Taeyong came out of the bathroom, toweling his pink hair absently. His slippers scuffed quietly on the hotel room carpet as he approached the bed. He let the towel rest on his head as he flung off the bedspread – those things were filled with germs and didn’t even get washed between hotel guests. Yuk.

He sat down on the clean white duvet and toed off his slippers, pulling his bare feet up to sit against the headboard. He looked at the TV, though it wasn’t on, and then his eyes landed on the door connecting the next room to his. Mark was on the other side, probably doing the same thing- showering, getting ready to fall into bed exhausted. It was nice to have privacy, but he missed the old days of stuffing a bunch of rookies into a room, sometimes two to a bed, one on the couch. Those were times of giggles in the dark, goofing around, just being together. Now they were men, had their own rooms, had their privacy. It was lonely.

A quick knock came at his door, and Taeyong put his slippers back on and went to open it. Jin the manager was standing there, a clipboard in his hands. “Just doing a head count. Good night, Taeyong.”

Taeyong didn’t even try to smile, just nodded, and let his handsome face keep its carved-marble stoniness intact. “Sleep well, Jin.”

The pink-haired man stood at the closed door for a moment, listening as the knock came again at Marks room next to him and the quiet murmur of conversation as the door shut again.

He didn’t want this to be his problem. It shouldn’t be. But the leader of the group couldn’t forget what he’d seen.

He watched the others go down the hallway, protective as always of s. He watched Ten most carefully – not only because he had just returned to them, and was still recuperating from an operation, but because he had a tendency to not pay attention and go in the wrong direction. Tall Johnny walked beside the smaller member, as always, best friends side by side.  Ten’s was the last room, of course. Johnny made sure he got in, and Ten turned to look at his friend with his smile warm and beaming full of affection. Even catching just a glimpse, Taeyong felt pleased to see the younger man looking so happy.

The door closed on Ten, then Jaehyun was coming up to Johnny. Tae saw the two exchange keys. Jae went in the room next to Ten’s, and Johnny went back up the hall to key into the room on the other side of Mark.

Private business was private – but he couldn’t have Ten sent away again. The first time had been his fault. It wouldn’t be this time.

He picked up his phone out of his backpack and sent a message to everyone. “Jin is coming down the hall to make sure you are all where you should be.”

That was all he could do, really.

Taeyong sighed as he sat in bed again, tiredly running his fingers through his damp hair.  His body ached. His heart ached.

Whatever Jaehyun was up to – he wouldn’t do anything to hurt Ten.  He was practical, intelligent and thoughtful – and when he broke the rules, he put those gifts to work to make sure he never was caught. Jaeyhun wasn’t a people pleaser – he could say no when he had to, even to the most winsome and persuasive members. He kept the others out of trouble; he kept cool, even when others were running hot.

Unlike me, Taeyong thought.

After he turned out the lights, Taeyong lay between the crisp clean sheets and felt misery creep up on him with soft cat feet. It was a familiar companion when he was alone, with no-one to care for, with no company but his own inconsequential self. He should be feeling better now that Ten was back, but it was just the same. That place inside him that Ten had filled when he loved him was still empty and aching. Every time they were even near each other, coordinators and managers looked askance and tried to come between them. Ten himself was quenched and quiet, so careful, so different than he had been when his laughter rang out too loud and  his smile lit every eye that saw it.

Taeyong rolled to his back, opened his arms out to make a cross on the bed. “My fault,” he muttered into the silence, and stared with dry wide-open eyes into the darkness. If he hadn’t demanded so much, they wouldn’t have been caught, Ten wouldn’t have been sent away, wouldn’t have hurt his knee, wouldn’t have needed the surgery. Wouldn’t have come back so thin and fragile, so delicate it looked like he could break.  Blaming himself for all of it was too much, but he wallowed in it, letting the ache of it settle in his chest and burn.

After, Taeyong had been so perfect and done absolutely everything they had told him to do. He had been their spokesman, their leader, their visual god, their dance main.  He acted and smiled and never showed that he was quietly bleeding from that part of him that had been amputated when they sent Ten away. And as a reward for his good behavior Ten had been allowed back, but things would never be the same.  His first love was lost, and was never coming back. Seeing Ten but treating him with a hesitant friendship was one of the hardest things he’d ever done.

He’d always thought the Thai boy was cute, but when his skills and improving Korean put him in with the Rookies Taeyong was charmed and then entranced. The dark haired boy knew it well enough, and liked to tease the elder with hugs and sweet kisses, as if daring him to do something about it. When he did it was as natural as breathing, pressing the other up against the back of his door and tasting the poignant sweetness in those teasing lips. He’d left the younger boy blushing and breathless, bright eyed and smiling.

Love had hit him like a linebacker, with a violence of nothing else he’d ever experienced. Nothing mattered as much as seeing Ten, talking to Ten, touching Ten. The feeling made him an addict, made him crazy for the highs that he could only experience in Ten’s arms. He could still remember the echoes of how it felt – that intense skin hunger that became an obsession. Ten was beautiful, warm, offering him sweet affection and companionship every day – but none of that would do, it wasn’t enough. The only thing that could statiate him was Ten’s hands on him, tongue in his mouth, bare skin pressed together so tight he could feel the hot pulse in the other’s veins. He had to feel that heady fugue of lust, where pleasure can become more poignant with a little pain and ecstacy covers a multitude of sins. They would curl in the darkness after, each wrapped around the other like they were unborn twins sharing one womb. Closer than anything else ever before, ever after.

He’d pushed Ten past where he was comfortable, urging him to lie, to meet him in secret places, to find ways to be together when it seemed it couldn’t be done. Ten loved him though, loved what they did together, so he went along even when it seemed crazy. And when they were caught there were no consequences for Taeyong – he was the main, the golden boy, the one that everything was built around. Ten got the consequences. Taeyong had never felt such anguish at anything before in his life.

This is what he gets for loving me, going along with me, trying to give me what I need. This is what he gets for not being able to tell me no. This is what he gets for being mine.

Next morning, Taeyong was up early after a restless night. Unable to help himself, he texted Jaehyun to come to his room. In a few minutes, there was a knock and Jaehyun came in, dressed in his pyjamas, with a calm face and a half-smile. His blond hair was mussed and he looked like he'd just woken up. “You need to talk?”

“I saw you exchanged keys with Johnny.” The leader blurted. “Do we have something to talk about?”

“Ah.” Jaehyun's eyes were knowing, even sympathetic. He went to the chair and sat, motioning the older man to sit on the bed. They gazed at each other, old freinds, collegues, teammates, and tension crackled in the air. “I figured we would have this talk before long.” Jaehyun admitted. "Its good to get it out of the way. I'm with Ten now. Very, very carefully. And only when it makes sense. I care a lot about him, and I have for a while."

A cold shiver tingled through the pink-haired man’s nerves. He gazed at Jaehyun with new eyes. The younger man was tall, broad shouldered and very handsome. He had always been interested in guys; he and Taeyong used to fool around a bit, back in the day. Now he was maturing, with his own projects apart from the band, and a confidence that let him say such a thing flatly, without apology.  "I don't know how to take this."

“It depends how you want to take this. I’ve been by Ten’s side when he needed me. It wasn’t always easy – the more fragile he was, the more demanding he became – but everything is so good now. He brightens up my world. And I keep his world stable and peaceful.“ A soft smile crossed the blond man’s face, then faded as his lips firmed into a line.  “What do you want to tell me, Lee Taeyong?”

What did he want to say? Emotions swirled inside him so rapidly that he hardly knew how he felt. Sorrow. Regret. Jealousy. Maybe a little bit of relief. If Ten was happy, he could put down some of this weight of guilt. If Ten was with Jaehyun, maybe the unspeakable longing for him would just fade away. “Just – don’t be selfish like I was. He was too good for me. Please put him first.”

Jaehyun’s slow smile was like the sun coming out. “Of course I do,” He assured Taeyong kindly. “I always will.”

Taeyong thought if he were going to pick someone for Ten – other than himself – it would have to be the calm and sweet-tempered Jaehyun. “Tell him I approve. That I’m happy if he’s happy. And to please be careful, and not work too hard.”

“Ah. Keeping Ten in line is my job now, so don’t worry.” Jaehyun got up to go, placed a hand on Taeyong’s shoulder and squeezed. “See you at breakfast, hyung.”

“All right.”

When the door shut behind the tall young man, Taeyong sat quite still.  He was barely aware of time passing until his phone lit with a message. It was from Ten.

“There are many rooms in my heart. Jae’s is next to yours. “

-----------------------

I thought of this after hearing Crestfallen by the Smashing Pumpkins :)