Lately I’ve been thinkin’,
Thinkin’ bout what we had,
I know it was hard,
It was all that we knew, yeah

 

it’s finally the time, for you and Jungkook to talk. 

 

talk like the grown ups that you’re both now.

 

also for the both of you to stop assuming and start asking each other real questions.

 

Have you been drinkin’
To take all the pain away?
I wish that I could give you what you deserve…

 

“so who was it?”

 

“who?”

 

“i mean how”

 

“are you for real?”

 

“fine. who was it?”

 

“i told you it’s my colleagues.”

 

“oh.”

 

‘Cause nothing can ever,
Ever replace you.
Nothing can make me feel like you do, yeah.

You know there’s no one
I can relate to.
And know we won’t find a love that’s so true…

 

it was almost a month ago, when you got your first paycheck in your new working place.

 

you and Jungkook, your boyfriend for 3 years, agreed that the night would be yours & his. it’s a very special night. it supposed to.

 

also, it was friday. friday nights have always been your home-everything night.

 

but this exact time last month, it was different. totally different.

 

There’s nothing like us,
There’s nothing like you and me,
Together through the storm.

 

“babe don’t forget about tonight okay?”

 

“of course my sweet, how would i forget when all i have been thinking today is what surprise are you going to give me tonight?” playful is the best word describing his tone most of the time he talks to you.

 

“well then, keep on thinking, big guy. i bet even if i give you clues, you’d still be shocked of what i would tell you. no matter what.” it’s actually not that big of a surprise, Jungkook is just that bad at guessing. 

 

“what if i get it right? what would you do then?”

 

“hmm,” you hums loudly, since you seriously don’t know what would you do, he have never been able to read your mind on these things, “stay with you forever?”

 

“is it only happening if i guess your surprise right?”

laughter, the sound coming out from your mouth is truly the only answer. the way he sulks at you has always been your weakness. it’s too adorable. he’s too adorable. 

even after all these years, you grant his wishes whenever he pulls out that card. well except when you’re super mad at him, which, rarely happens. 

 

“i miss your laugh” and of course, the butterflies never left. they maybe already claimed your stomach as home.

 

“but i just laughed, also this morning, when the pancake flies up to the ceiling and got stuck there for a few seconds,” with that, you laugh even more. Jungkook is your source of happiness. 

 

“dear God, please don’t ever let this girl down. her happiness means so much to me” the softness in his voice, the soothing, the calming– no classical music & caffeine would top that.

 

“hey, are you okay?”

 

“i am. totally. even if i wasn’t, your laugh changed that.” these kind of time, is when you personally ask the God above of what you did in your past life to get him as your lover.

 

the clock on your table rings, telling you that your resting time was up, “oh babe, i gotta go now, lunch time’s over. see you tonight”

 

“i cannot wait. i’ll keep on thinking and tell you if something crossed my mind.” right here, you can hear his smile.

 

“i’ll be waiting”

 

“alright. love you”

 

“bye bye.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

something’s not right. 

 

you realize this after several minutes, then. realizing what you did wrong. maybe not really for some people, but it does make you guilty.

 

you didn’t tell him you loves him too. very very much, that is.

 

 

not that you’re scared he doesn’t know, the both of you think of it as a reminder. a reminder of how much he means in your life, and vice versa.

 

 

I gave you everything, babe,
Everything I had to give.
Girl, why would you push me away, yeah?

 

but when the work hour time passed, things didn’t run the way it was planned.

 

“Chaera! come on, it has been a tradition here. you must spent at least a cent of your first pay with your colleagues”

 

“that’s true. some people would make it hard for you if you don’t.”

 

but tonight- today is your 3rd anniversary with Jungkook, you’ve already lost 10 hours from 24, you don’t feel right. “can we at least pending it? i cannot spend tonight outside of the house”

 

“pending it would make things rather awkward,, i’ve seen that happened, Chaera. just- give out an hour or so, pay, go home, and your life here will be safe & sound.”

 

is your life at work really on the line? you know Jungkook will understand. he understands you more than anyone. after discussing all the good and bad with your angels & demons, you gave up. “uhh, fine. but one hour and i’m out. i’m so sorry”

 

“yess!! that would be enough to protect you”

 

 

of course you told Jungkook about it. your relationship with him is like a glass. 

transparent, fragile–something you need to take by hand to keep it safe–yet resist all the bad things coming at you, it protects.

you’re both stayed together up until this time is because of the “no secret” agreement. 

 

 

Lost in confusion,
Like an illusion,
You know I’m used to making your day…

 

“how are you?”

 

you’re both sitting on the carpet in your living room. across from each other, and as always, snacks & drinks in the middle, 

 

“kinda good”

 

“i thought we’re the realest? are we becoming were now?”

 

“i haven’t continue my words,” he takes a draggy breath, “but mostly- i don’t know? bad? i’m confused. i am lost, Chaera.”

 

 

But that is the past now,
We didn’t last now,
I guess that this is meant to be, yeah…

 

“how about you?”

 

“physically? i think i am okay. mentally? i think not so good. i miss us”

 

“i miss us too”

it’s weird that Jungkook haven’t touch the snacks. he’s only drinking some mineral water.

 

 

Tell me, was it worth it?
We were so perfect.
But, baby, I just want you to see…

 

“can’t we try?”

 

“we can”

 

“but?” he says, finally takes a bag of chips and put it on his lap.

 

“but?”

 

 

“i know you, Ra. there’s so much things inside that beautiful mind of yours. let it out. i want to hear”

but the truth is that there is no buts. your mind was empty. even Jungkook cannot read you now. he’s using his imagination to see something, to try. but you’re a blank state. 

 

as your relationship survived this far by being honest, you say it outloud, “there is no buts, Jungkook. we can make this work.”

 

“you know that i would never lie to you, right, Ra? that’s why i said all those things. it’s because i love you. but don’t take that as my excuse. i said it because i do. and i said it, because i don’t want to lose you.” 

breaking the eye-contact, he looks down at the chips. acting like he’s trying to figure out where to rip.

“because then, if that happens, it would be too much for me. and it would take the rest of my life just trying to catch up, stitching up the hole and healing up the wound. i, maybe could live without you. but then, it’s just a body moving around.”

“the soul, Jeon Jungkook, will stay where you at. where your heart is” at this point, you too, look down. 

 

actually, look anywhere but him. trying so hard to blink away your wicked tears. you love him too, so much. but you don’t find yourself trying to say that to him. the memories are rushing back. 

 

you don’t want to lose him, ever.

 

“i’m sorry” there goes his pride. his walls. his everything. you know he took all the courage he got just to say those two words— no, not saying the words, but using the tone. you know how much energy he used just to talk with his stuck-on-his-breathing voice.

he tries to hold back his tears, too. 

you know it all too well.

because Jungkook, that boy, that man, the person you care about so much,
he never cries.

 

There’s nothing like us,
There’s nothing like you and me,
Together, oh

 

“so what should we do now, Jungkook?”

 

looking at you, he almost looks like he’s in disbelief, but you know better. “why are you asking me? you know how much of a selfish person that i am. you know what i would do. what would i choose.”

“i want us to keep going. to keep being together. i want us to keep our promises. i’m a man, Chaera, i have to keep my promises.”

“the question should be directed to yourself. what should we do now, sweeth- i’m sorry- Chaera? what do you think is the best now? what do you want? how do you want this relationship go?” he looks at his side, “or ends” saying with the tiniest voice you barely can hear it.

 

your pride. “i love you, Jeon Jungkook. so much it hurts me when i remember all the words you throw at me then. it hurts, because it was coming from you. i know it was partly my fault, i should’ve-”

 

“don’t. don’t-” he’s shaking his head now.

 

“no, let me continue”

 

“i should’ve tell you the real reason in my text, but i thought you would think i choose my new co-workers more than you. which was stupid because i know it wouldn’t even cross your mind. and i’m sorry, too.”

“i love you, Jungkook. i want to live my life with you. we’ve acknowledge the fact that we’re each others’ soulmates. and i support that until this very second. you know me all too well, even more than myself sometimes. even now.”

“i don’t want to hear the word “end” between us. i was disappointed when i heard you said it.“ it’s the kind of time, where you choke back your tears, until you feel some kind of sweetness at your throat.

“but i don’t know what we should do now. we’re getting more awkward each passing days and i hate it. i ing hate the tension between us.”

“i don’t know how to fix this. i’m sorry.”

 

you glances over him now. the bag of chips is still sealed. he has just been toying with it. 

 

the both of you are silent now. having unknown battle inside your own hearts. 

 

“Chaera?”

 

“yes?”

 

 

“i don’t know if this is going to be a good idea or not, but i think, i think what’s best for us right now, is a break.” pointing out his finger up in front of his plump lips, making you stop everything. your thoughts and your urge to cut his sentences. just like spelling mantras, he stops you. 

“a break, meaning sometimes in the future, when the cold tension around us melts down completely, when the weather is chilly- just like how we love it, when the fridge is full, when your notes is filled with words from your beautiful mind,”

“when it’s all already in place, we’ll be back living in this cramped apartment, together again, at last”

 

“because you, you take care of me- yet i have the feeling to protect you, i relate to you in so many ways that sometimes i forgot we are two different individuals. i’m crazy over you, Chaera. but i would be worse if i’m not with you. without your guidance in every ing tiny things.”

 

 

“then, i agree.” you said so fast it shocked the both of you. you asked yourself why? it answers ‘you don’t want to cry in front of him, you fool.’

composing yourself, you corrects the sentences, “i mean- yeah. i think it’s the best way. until then, we’re not seeing each other, right?”

“and then, when we finally meet, we’ll miss each other so much that we forgot what made us even think of separa- taking a break. you’re so brilliant- gosh! i’m amazed at how i could love you more than i already am” with this, you smile so big, so wide, so bright that you almost didn’t see anything. that’s the kind of smile Jungkook loves the most. 

 

‘it makes me think like i took the moon just for you, like i won at life, and it’s the prize i’m getting’ he explained to you, one time. and since then, you give him that smile of yours and his in-aww-reaction never fades, never fake.

 

never, until today. his eyes twinkles, still. but you know there’s something he covers. 

 

you didn’t push him, though. you know how hard his effort in not being honest with you. 

 

“Chaera?”

 

“yes?”

 

 

“i love you.” usually those three words makes you smile, laugh, or even smack him, but today, it makes you cry. the tears are finally leaving your eyes, some are relieved being released. others are guilty, it makes you look weak. like you need to be protected. which would trigger Jungkook into doing that, but right now is not the right time. 

 

you’re disappointed. 

 

and it makes you cry harder.

 

you feel stupid.

 

now you’re choking in your own spit. 

 

 

but Jungkook thinks otherwise. he thinks it’s the right time for him to be the boyfriend he needs to become. 

 

he comforts you now, rocking you back and forth. hugging you like you’ll be gone- which is true, but it makes you regrets your decision. so you slowly release yourself from his embrace. 

 

 

Jungkook doesn’t fight you. why? because he knows. he understand your heartbeats. your breathing. your smile. 

 

he holds both of your warm cheeks with his cold hands, you didn’t flinch.

 

he meets his forehead with yours, and stay like that for a while.

 

and when he thinks it’s already long enough, his lips lands on your temple, nose, both cheeks, linger at each place for a bit, and lastly, your lips. finally. the final. 

 

his lips linger way longer there. he tastes home. he didn’t want to go. just like a five year old who gets asked to go to school each early morning, he thinks of any possible reason to hold still, stay in his home. 

 

“i believe in you. i believe in us.”

 

“i have faith. this will work, why? because there’s nothing like you, Chaera. no one could ever come close to where you are.”

 

“i love you” you say as he look at you with those deep brown eyes. it’s so deep that you’ll never see the end of it. 

 

 

 

he tucks a strand of your hair behind your ear, smile the happy smile and says, “i love you too. but we should go now”