why can I still not give up on you ?
I hold onto the withered memories
Is it greed ?
The lost seasons I try to restore, I try to restore them

 

Days turned to a month then a year, and everything would change depends on their own. There are few kinds of person in this world. First who couldn’t wait to be an adult and second, who wished s/he never grow up. But the bitter fact or that how the second type called it, even if they chose to not grow up, it was all trash. Because the world would try to persuade you to be mature or whatever you say. Without exception with this girl, y/n.

Can you imagine she is a member of trash squad and she has the most annoying personality ? It is her indeed. Not to mention others gang, they are not queenka for god’s sake. Just merely bunch of kids who have swag personalities.

Talk over about y/n. who seemed cold-hearted but it’s true though, she always think that she has no time to do useless things but the fact that half of her life was useless is….so heartbreaking.

 

Waking up with her expressionless face, she groaned,”how tired I am. What did I do ? uh, whatever. I can’t remember…”. Just like her previous daily activities before going to school, she had prepared everything perfectly, even her friendly fake-smile. She took a step and another step to reach her school gate, while walking lifelessly, she never paid attention to her surrounding.

What’s so special about school life ? she wondered about it since she had failed her exam in middle school. Being ridiculous, she even tried to be bad student with rebellious act. Blocking juniors’s way but being thrown away instead, abscene in her class while hiding in bathroom, so rebellious. Obviously she failed.

That was the small part of her ridiculous act at junior high school and don’t try to dig more.

 

 

There she was, wearing high schooler uniform. Not everyone could do everything without much effort. She has been getting through hard times in young age. While others focused on their puberty, she couldn’t do the same thing. Arguing with parents, gave up easily, thinking about how cruel the world. She went through a lot, even she heard people whispering that she is ‘broken-home kid’. But she has never showed it though.

Living apart with her family, she used to do everything by herself though. Depression, pain, emotional, she tried to control everything on her own. Luckily enough she found her friends that could help her forgot the world she lived in.

 

Break time. The weird squad were having conversation then one of them, Yoora said”guys, you know Kang Chanhee from the A-1, right? don’t you think he is cute ? we were friend in elementary school”. y/n and the other girl started whistling annoyingly. “I’m going to tell him later !” y/n teased. “yah, if you really gonna tell him, I swear! You are going to fall for him!” Yoora protested.

 

While teasing Yoora and Chanhee, y/n trusted herself that she won’t fall for him. But hell, she has fallen for his kindess and more.

Dilemma. That was exactly what y/n felt. She wanted to live a normal life but her past held onto her, couldn’t let her go easily. People who don’t understand her would have this thought,”what the hell is wrong with past ? past is past. She is too much”. Most teenagers in her age would have break-up or lovey-dovey scene. Not with y/n, in those age she went through a big incident, family matters to be exact.

Those things became her reasons that she couldn’t fall for someone.

Seulgi, one of the weird squad member, came out of nowhere while approaching y/n,”come back to earth, y/n. what is it ? you went blank lately”. y/n turned her head and slightly smiled,”don’t you know that is the most normal thing I’ve done since…I was born (?)”. Seulgi chuckled,”what? Zoning out ? ah, yeah I bet you could get a platinum medal. Congrats”.

“y/n, just tell me already. What’s bothering you? Tell me or I will end our friendship this instant.” Seulgi threatened jokingly. She smirked,”why would you end a friendship for something useless ? it’s not worth it, Seul”,”uhm..so..I kinda like someone..”. Before y/n could explained everything, Seulgi snapped her first,”oh-my-god! You are a girl, y/n. Do I know him?”. “ye-ah..you do know him…we before…” y/n told her carefully. “KANG CHANHEE!” Seulgi shouted.

y/n sighed deeply,”I’m the wrong one here. Can you please be quiet, Seul ?! but how can she guess it right away..”. Seulgi closed and her eyes widened,”I AM RIGHT. Oh..oh..lucky guess then…go on. Tell me!”. Finally y/n had no choice but to tell Seulgi everything. Girls conversation.

For more than 6 months y/n had a feeling for Chanhee. They became closer and no awkward moments when they met. But then, one of her close friend,”hey, I don’t know what I’m saying but Chanhee kinda cute..that’s exactly what I am saying”. Y/n have no intention to ask her more. But the more they hang out together she has speculation that her friend interested in Kang Chanhee too.

 

Seulgi heard y/n’s explanation,”yah, you aren’t going to say to give up, right?”. “give up on what ? I have no intention to be with him though. I…just want to like him, that’s all..I guess” y/n smiled then sighed. “it will be one sided love then, go tell him you like him” Seulgi’s advice. y/n frowned,”I feel like I’ve never gave him any code but tell him bluntly, he should’ve recognize my feelings, don’t you think so?” y/n and Chanhee became awkward after y/n decided to erase her feelings. I don’t want to get hurt later. She acted cold to him so sudden and it confused him as well, but he has no urge to ask her, well Kang Chanhee indeed.

Why would you end a friendship for something useless? The sentence that she said proudly. True. y/n made up her mind and thought that she need to be cool with Chanhee. It was true she has done so many things to make Chanhee notice her feeling but somehow it was all trash.

Then one day, thanks to her niece who wanted to do survey, she has a chance to ask Chanhee a question that bothered her. “Chanhee, do you like someone perhaps?” she asked him. Chanhee smiled,”uhm, how should I answer it?”. “just answer honestly, yes or no” she answered. Thump thump thump. He thought for awhile and,”well, no for awhile..”

At first she thought, I have no more special feeling for him, ah I’ll be fine. But after hearing his statement, no his answer, she got hurt without realizing. “why does it hurt ? I thought I will be fine.” She said to herself. Then she thought about it again and again. Ah, I’ve done much and it really has no effect on him. Miserable.

y/n sighed then smiled,”it is okay, I have so many reasons to forget him, uhm..my friend like him too, and I have so many works to do..” she paused.

“I shouldn’t have fall for him in the first place..”

I disappointed with myself.

I’ve tried to stop liking him but ended up waiting for him instead.