Journal entry #25

You always ask why I befriended you, I can never tell you a reason Mark. Maybe because of your bad luck, maybe because I owe you from a previous life. I just know that I felt in love with you. It wasn’t at first sight, but it’s as intense.

I now understand that old song… You and me, we used to be together, everyday together, always. I really feel that I’m losing my best friend. Mark I don’t want to be a burden. What do to? I know you’re good that’s why I can get over you. I can see I’m fading… It hurts so much. Maybe I was meant to love you, this kind of old fashion one sided-love story must be my type of story. Every nerve in my body transmit love for you, it seems I’m reaching my limit. It hurts so much but somehow I can let it go…

My symptoms are worsening after I visited the doctor in China, he says I went from stage 1 to stage 2. He’s afraid I’ll be in stage 3 soon. He prescribed me some more pills to lessen my nausea and to give me strength, some painkillers and vitamins. I’m under a whole new medication system now. Luckily I can hide them and say they’re vitamins. I pray the rest of the members won’t find out, I'm so grateful I have BamBam, he may seem careless but it's quite the opposite. Mark mianhae, Wo ai ni…

Such a hopeless feeling…

J-

Once he was done with the journal, Jackson prayed every night; he wanted to get better, he wanted to breathe normally again to be able to stand next to Mark without feeling the air was taken out of his lungs. Jackson wanted to be supportive of Mark’s relationship but his body was betraying him, the moment he spotted Mark and Sana holding hands he would ran to the nearest toilet to expel more petals. The doctor examined them and told him the meaning behind:

Every patient is unique, every person develops a different kind of flower, in your case Mr. Wang it’s zhīzi or gardenia, in our Chinese culture represents a secret love. The color symbolizes hopelessness; it’s the indicator of a bitter sweet love. I’m so sorry to inform you that with this rate of the development you’ll be in stage 3 too soon. Please consider the option of the surgery, even if the new medication has a positive effect on your body the roots of these flowers are spreading super-fast, most of your internal organs will be affected in no time. Mr. Wang you should schedule the operation as soon as possible- 

Jackson didn’t want to be a burden. He didn’t want to bother his dongsaeng BamBam or gege He Jiong anymore. His body was slowly giving up. It was February and Got7 was preparing the comeback with the last part of Flight Log Trilogy. Jackson was no longer tied to Mark, no ore late night walks along the Han river, no more movie watching, he didn’t wait until Mark was done with the recording, and Jackson wasn’t the one handling Mark a bottle of water after an instense practice. He wasn’t the one giving a towel whenever Mark forgot to take one with him when showering. There were no late night visits to their favorite restaurant. Jackson would always create excuses and when Mark wasn’t buying them, BamBam went into his protective mode and helped Jackson to escape from the situation. Jackson was really trying to put some distance, on the contrary, Mark was trying to become closer but the atmosphere was rare. 

If only Mark knew that Jackson was sliping away...