"I'm sorry..."

It froze me on my track. I never thought that one day, those two simple words would break my whole existence. My arms fell down from his shoulders, dangling on my sides. I can't feel the cold winter again, even though the window in the room's opened and letting the snowflakes fell down to the wooden floor.

"Why? I thought..." My lips quivered, tears were falling without mercy, "I thought you're.... We're..." 

"Not anymore," he said.

"So you choose them over me?"

It came out as a soft whisper. My throat felt soar and I suddenly found my vocal chord to be completely immobile.

"I have to," was his simple answer.

"No," I snapped my eyes at him; his eyes, "you want to."

"I have no other choice, you know what he'll do to you if he knows that..."

"That what? His beloved son, his beloved young prejudice is with a lowlife they call trash?" I asked him, voice filled with sarcasm and pain. 

"You're not that! Stop saying those things!"  His voice was pain, as if he feel it. Nothing pains more than the feeling I have in my chest right now. How dare he use that voice.

"Then why? Why?" I desperately trying to search for something to hold, to keep me sane, to keep me in my right mind. But it always slipped. I slipped in my own mind.

"We can't be like this. We... This... This is a sin, Hara," he tried to take my hand in his, but I avoided it.

"A sin?" I laughed, but it sounded hoarse and ugly. It's pitifull. "You said you don't care about those anymore. You said you'll be with me. You said you'll love me."

"But see now, Hara... Please, we can't be together anymore."

"Why? You're embarassed? You're ashamed if they know that you're with me?"

"No, it's not that..."

"Then what!?"  My knees gave out and I found myself in his arms. He caught me, like he always did. With his strong but soft arms, enveloping me in his warmth. I struggled out of my oasis, I need to. Or I can never go out from it. 

"Hara please... Love, please..."

His voice soothed me and only by that one simple word, one simple endearing term he gave me, my body refused to obey my order and instead surrender myself in my source of life; him.

"Why can't they see? Why? What's so wrong with being in love? Why's it so wrong to be with the one we love? Why's it so wrong that I can't even love you?"

He didn't answer the questions, instead he hugged me and kissed me. A kiss that deliver a message that only both of us knew, understand.

"Because we're meant to be, but not in the way love wants us to be," he whispered ghostly on my lips.

"It's not fair..." I gripped the front of his shirt and tugged it, nearly ripping it with my nails.

"Life is never fair, love," he kissed my forehead.

I felt something dripped on my cheek, but it's not my tears. I looked up to meet his eyes, and there I saw what I never want to see in his eyes. His tears.

"Why..." More tears were falling down, and another tears following suit, and another, "why do you have to be my older brother, Junhyung?"

He only stared at me with tears also falling down on his flawless and perfect cheekbones, down to his chin, and fell to the back of my hands. With his right hand he traced my left cheek, wiping the tear stain and left his hand carresing my face there.

"Because if you're not my younger sister, we'll never meet like this. And I can't hold you in my arms, I can't touch your face, I can't kiss your lips, I can't carress your hair, I won't know you, I won't even understand this feeling."

My lips parted and I stared at his brown pools of emotion, and there I saw pain, fear, worry, doubt, longing, and...

"If you're not my younger sister, I won't understand how it feels to love someone..."

"Say it, please... If this is the end, please..."

I feel my heart ache with pain... And for the word I'll never even get tired to hear from him, from his beautiful voice, because I know he meant it with his whole being and soul.

"I love you."

He closed the distance of our lips and sealed mine with such an emotion. And I understand what this kiss means.

A way of him expressing his emotion.

A message that I will never forget of.

A gesture that I'll forever long for.

A signal of the end, the end of us.

A goodbye.

So I returned his emotion with my own.

A promise that I'll forever keep this breaking heart for a man that share the same blood with the liquid that flows in my veins.

A promise that I'll forever keep this tingling feeling whenever our lips brushed, whenever he held my hand, whenever he put his arms around me, whenever he stared me in the eye and say the three words of my world.

A promise that I'll never forget a man, named Yong Junhyung.

When he finally end the kiss and stared at me again, I know that it's time to let him go. To let this sinful feeling go. To finally let him free.

"I'll never forget this day... I'll never forget you..." I whispered my thoughts, my inner feelings, my promises.

"If someone hurts you, remember that I hurt you more than he does. If someone breaks your heart, remember that I broke your heart even harder. If someone hugs you, remember that I warmed you more than he does. If someone loves you..." He smiled a painful smile and caressed my face, for the last time, "remember that I love you more than anyone will do." 

I nodded and leaned my face to his hand, trying to remember the warmth it had given me from the day I can remember. Then he retracted his hands from me, and I felt the loss again. I blinked back the tears as I saw him took his suitcase and went out of the room, and closed the door behind him. And just as simple as that, he left.

I felt my legs weaken at the sight of his fading back figure and I fell to the wooden floor. I can hear sounds of despair through my ears, it's heart breaking and after a while, I found out that it's my own voice. My whole being screamed for his warmth, for his love, for him.

And there, I cried my eyes out; my heart out.

And when I woke up again, I'm not the same person like what I used to be. I'm different. The only thing I can remember is the pouring snow that became the sole being that knew what I've been through.

At first, I didn't understand what's wrong, but suddenly I can feel the empty part in my chest where my heart supposed to beat for him. Then I knew why I can't be whole again.

Because that's the day where the heart of I, Goo Hara, died for Yong Junhyung. My own older brother.