전정국

 

To my dearest Jungkook,

 

By the time you receive this, I would probably be gone. Forever.

Death has come knocking at my doorstep and I’m afraid, always. Of what I will leave behind. That I will leave you behind.

I didn't want to write this and I hoped and prayed to God that there won’t come a time where you will have to read such letter. I honestly don’t know what to say to appease the suffering you must feel, but I want you to know that I loved you with all my heart despite our differences. I loved you so much.

The circumstances may not have been favorable between us but I’m glad that I was able to know you. I was always thankful of Seokjin, because through him I met you.

That time when you sincerely confessed to me, I was happy and at the same time, conflicted. I’ve never felt so desolate and happy at the same time for I know I won’t be able to give you the kind of love you truly deserve. I was torn but I decided tying you to me would only cause you pain. Forgive me, Jungkook. I have decided on my own for the both of us without considering what you might feel.

I wanted you to focus on your career without having to think of anything, so I rejected you. I know you would constantly worry therefore I decided it would be better for us to remain the way we were. It was the hardest decision, but I know it would be for the best.

There came a time where I questioned the reason why I’m doing this, then I realized, you’re one of the many who would benefit from this. I wanted a world where you could freely enjoy your life without having to worry of the unknown future, of the many things that corrupt this world. I wanted you to just be yourself and be happy, live a peaceful life, get married and have children.

I can’t help but tear up as I am writing this. I feel so helpless and the thought of not seeing you breaks my heart but then, this was the life I chose. It’s a bloody path, miserable. The life of a soldier, that is. And that is something I do not wish to share with you. 

Jungkook, please live happily. I want you to do just that. Love like you’ve never loved before, live like you’ve never lived before. And I will be watching over you.

It will be a long journey for you but I want you to remember, you never walk alone. You have the other members, your family, your ARMY.

You have me. Always.

 

Forever yours,

Seojin

 

It was a reality I couldn’t accept nor have I expected. The kind and lovely Seojin, gone.

 

The day the news came, everything fell apart. I felt my knees weaken at the thought of never seeing her again, never ever seeing her smile. I felt devoid of anything.

 

The shock made me speechless. My mind went blank and when it sank down, I felt my world collapse. Then Jin hyung gave me her letter together with her dog tag. 

 

"Jungkook, Seojin would want me to give you this." Jin hyung said as he handed me Seojin noona's handwritten letter and dog tag. "She left this along with the letter."

 

I was overcome with immense grief that I fell to the ground, the tears I so bravely held back came like water from a faucet. I couldn't hold it anymore after Jin hyung told me the news and I wonder how he could still hold the tears back and be so calm about it when it was his beloved sister we lost. 

 

"Hyung, tell me, how are you handling this so calmly? You loved her so much and you were so protective of her. I can't imagine how you must feel. She was your sister." At this point, I did not care that I was weeping like a kid. This kind of sorrow, I do not wish it upon others even to my worst enemy. 

 

"Oh Jungkook, believe me when I say I know how you feel at this moment and how I wish I could have taken her place." Jin hyung said while helping me stand up and wiping my tears. "She was so precious and I know how much she means to you Jungkook."

 

"She means the world to me hyung. I've loved her for as long as I can remember and now that she's gone, I feel like my heart died with her. " I whispered, left with no strength to say anything. 

 

"She loved you too. Very much so that she would rather have you love someone who would properly love you back and be happy with than become an empty shell if and when she dies." Jin hyung said the released a heavy sigh, "Jungkook, I know it's easier said than done but we have to accept that she's gone. She wouldn't want to see you like this." 

 

"Hyung, can you leave me for a bit? I just want to be alone for a while." I pleaded, holding the letter and her dog tag close to my heart. 

 

Jin hyung nodded and gently walked away from me, leaving me inside my room to wallow in misery. 

 

I laid on my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. It brought me back to a time where there was still a girl named Seojin, remembering as if it was only yesterday. A girl that was once so full of life, now buried six feet underground. She was like a ray of sunshine, so full of warmth and vitality.

 

It was after a live performance at a tv station that we went back to the dorms, exhausted, sweaty and sleepy that I got to see Seojin noona again after so many months. She waited for us at the dorms to surprise us, giving each and everyone of us a congratulatory hug. I tightly hugged her back when she came to me, letting her know that I've missed her so. For a while, we stayed like that until she pulled away and then smiled at me, kissing my forehead. 

 

"I watched you guys and you were amazing. You've grown so much Jungkook. You look handsome." Seojin said then pinched my nose. "I bet you've got a lot of girls falling at your feet." She then grinned at me. 

 

"I'm glad you think I'm handsome noona but please, I'm not interested on other girls. " I frowned as I looked at her in the eyes. "It kind of hurts when you do that, pushing me to look at other girls when I only want to look at you." And it really does hurt, but I would never fail at reminding her of how much I love her. 

 

Ever since I've gathered all the courage I could muster and confessed, I would al