sau·da·de

/souˈdädə/

(noun) a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia.

 

           Ren smiled. He couldn’t believe that they were granted another chance to stand on the stages after the end on Produce 101. He honestly thought it was over for them, the flopping urban electro band.

He couldn’t describe his feelings that night, curled in the back seat of their black van. Baekho’s arm wrapped around him while Aron and JR were sitting quietly on the front seat; neither had any words to say. The youngest was too used to having three people cramped up in the back that the space suffocated him. Baekho’s soft humming didn’t even soothe him a bit. It felt weird for his feet to have so much space, not having to get entangled with Minhyun’s ridiculously long legs.

Then it hit him that he wouldn’t only be having extra free space on their van, but also their bedroom. Ren always liked having Minhyun as a roommate, and he realized he had never thought of not having Minhyun as his roommate, at least not until now, where Minhyun would already be rooming with someone else.

           You see, Ren was never fond of sharing. He hated the idea of them going to Produce 101. He hated it even more when Aron was announced not to be joining them. He hated the talks about the 6 years old idols competing with trainee.

He hated it even more when he felt like they were growing apart, finding their own separate circle and laughing with new friends. It was always his bandmates that sneaked around at night, bringing him food or just to rub soothing circles on the maknae’s back.

JR would bring him food and said all the nicest words. He would tell Ren him to trust him, to lean on him. He would stare at the younger’s eyes and talked to him for hours, intertwining their fingers

Baekho was never good with words, so he would just squeeze Ren into his arms. He didn’t usually say anything, just singing Ren’s favorite songs and patted his head softly.

Aron would be the one with the jokes. He would call at odd hours and just spewing nonsense. Nonsenses that he knew would keep Ren’s mind out of its worries. Nonsenses that he knew would bring smile to his face.

Minhyun babied him the most. He wouldn’t say much either, just light conversation and soothing circles. He would tell Ren to go to sleep, and he would cuddle him in the process. Minhyun was like a mother.

            Baekho seemed to understand his feelings and the rush of saudade hitting on the maknae. He tightened his hold around Ren, practically scooping him closer before softly singing the bits of FACE. Ren’s favorite song and their debut track. JR glanced at them before giving them his reassuring smile, latched with just a hint of sadness, but still a whole lot reassuring. Aron even joined him for the chorus part. Ren laughed a little.

           It was the fans’ endless tweets and SNS comments that finally persuades PLEDIS’ CEO to plan a comeback stage for NU’EST. It was hard, and Ren hated all his new parts. He always joked about stealing Minhyun’s part, but when the older’s not around and he did get his part, Ren realized he would rather not.

They spent months on the practice room, working their off. Baekho and Woozi were at the studio a lot, preparing and recording their new song, where they used to jokingly call it sonagi 2.0. Woozi always complained about it though, saying that sonagi was a song about goodbyes and that he didn’t want to write them a goodbye song, ever.

“Yah, do you expect me to still be dancing when I’m 50?” Aron would jokingly retaliate.

“You’re 49 now what’s the difference.” Baekho chipped in, earning a smack from the eldest.

           Ren laughed. He missed this so much, being with s. Fooling around joking about how one day they will come first at music shows and the funny antics they plan on doing after reaching the milestone.

He dialed Minhyun. The vocalist answered on the first ring, he always did, and at the sound of Minhyun's hello, Ren shushed the shole room quiet, kicking Aron’s shin in the process.

Now he felt content.

           Then suddenly they were in the backstage again. 'NU’EST' plastered on the doorframe. The members were getting their makeup done. JR finished first and was playing games on his phone, undisturbed.

It was also like that at home. JR would finally have his quiet gaming time without Minhyun jumping on him and killing his game character every now and then. Now, whenever Ren told me JR had been caving again with his games, Minhyun would call and screamed on top of his lung trying to distract the leader, but without actual physical barrier, JR would just laugh it off and nagged at him for being too loud.

“Ren-ah,” Aron called on him, plopping his chin on the maknae’s shoulder. “When is he going to come here?”

“Their van is still on their way, the traffic was insane.” He replied, opening his chat with Minhyun to type in a quick ‘get here fast aron is annoying’ and pressing send.

'when is he not,' came a reply that made Ren chuckled. 

           Minhyun came knocking after three minutes, panting and huffing but wears the biggest smile on his stupid face. It had been too long for him since the last time he saw his bandmates in flesh instead of hijacked video calls (either Seongwoo or Aron’s fault).

“I strangled Jihoon to get makeup-ed first.” He grinned. It wasn’t long until he was smothered in smiles and tangled limbs. Minhyun could feel his heart swells at the touch. They pried off with even bigger smile.

“I listened to the song, it was awesome!” Minhyun chirped, sitting next to JR.

“Of course. I made a better vocalist than you,” Ren replied, confidence on full force. It earned a laugh from Baekho and a glare from Minhyun. “The showcase was amazing, I’m sorry I couldn’t be there.” The latter continued, shrugging a little but the sadness in his tone unmasked. Ren pretended to look mad, but ended up reaching out to hold Minhyun’s hands.

           The five of them just sat there in comfortable silence. Finally being together again in a waiting room after what seemed like forever. Minhyun had missed them last week on Music Bank’s comeback stage because Wanna One had to leave early after performing their goodbye stage. They were lucky that Show Champion’s goodbye stage were filmed last, so they could meet on the stage while NU’EST had their comeback stage.

           Ren slumped on the stage floor as NU’EST’s name was called for being first place. He couldn’t believe his ears, not until Minhyun had rushed to him and basically straddling him for a hug. He felt happy tears trailing on his cheek as Jonghyun said his thanks, stuttering and sobbing. He saw Daniel and Guanlin hugged Baekho close, and the other Wanna One members were gathering around them.

He never let go of Minhyun’s hand even after the other artists rushed out the stage, making him to stay for the encore. (who was mainly just Baekho forced to sing alone as his bandmates were too busy holding hands.)