Exhausted.

The best way to describe how I’m feeling at the moment.  I fiddle with my phone thinking of ways to end this dysfunctional relationship of mine. It’s been more than two years since we’ve started dating but now I just wish to end things on a good note with him. The thing is how?

I’ve been laying here in the same position for the past half hour and I still don’t know what to send him. I groaned and messed with my straightened hair. Why do things have to be complicated? I get up and head for the little coffee table in my living room and open my laptop.

“How to end your relationship on a good note?”

I typed away and looked for answers to my unsolved problem. I searched through many pages till I found one I thought seemed doable.

‘Ending your relationship with Honesty’

‘The best way to end your relationship with someone else is through honesty, making sure you are completely honest and tell them exactly how you feel and why your relationship won’t work out. Remember to be nice though, there is no reason to be blunt.”

Ending my relationship with honesty? Well, what better way to do it than this. I grabbed my phone and quickly messaged him.

‘Hey, whenever you have time let’s meet up :)’

Does this even sound right? Was the smiley face too much? Or should I send it without it? I struggled with just sending him a simple text message. If I can barely send a single text how am I even going to face him and end it with him? I quickly sent it before I was going to regret it and make myself even more stressed out. Now I just have to wait for his response.

Getting up from my spot I headed towards the kitchen cabinet and saw the purplish-pink mug he got me as a gift, since he knew how much of a tea fan I am. I moved it to the back of the cabinet reminding myself to get rid of it as soon as this is done. I walked back to see a notification on my phone.

‘You read my mind haha. Let’s meet up for some coffee around 7? At our usual spot? :)’

I bitterly smiled as I read his message.

‘Alright perfectly fine by me’ I responded.

I looked at the time and noticed that it was ten minutes to 6 o’clock.

“I still have half hour or so,” I muttered.

I still had yet to figure out what to say to him, I knew I had to tell him my honest feelings but I just don’t know how to put it in such a simply and relaxed way. I paced back and for in my living room thinking of different scenarios in my mind. As I walked towards the couch my eye caught on to a picture of us two. It was a picture from our very first anniversary together. I remember the happy but shy moments we shared that day. He had taken me to the movies and to the park, though I have to admit we were both so shy and awkward we kept laughing at the small things we did. It was that moment I fell in love with him, it was his thoughtful heart and caring actions I fell in love with.

Soon we both became very busy and had less time to meet up or enjoy each other's company. Though it wasn’t necessarily bad at first it later on took a toll on me. We had stopped communicating for sometime but we didn’t say much about it, as much as it began to hurt me I knew I couldn’t selfishly blame him or yell at him. He stilled cared, yes, but my heart slowly faded away. I felt horrible.

I started sniffling and noticed that I was crying after remembering everything. I took a deep breath and decided to get ready, I had to get this off my chest before it’s too late.

It wasn’t really a long walk to the café but more like a 10-minute walk. The moment I entered I was greeted with the fresh smell of scones and macaroons and the sweet smell of jasmine tea. I ordered a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies with a cup of jasmine tea and made my way to the back of the café. This café brings back so many memories whenever I look around. This is where we first met.

I had been on an errand run that day and quickly made a stop to grab a drink and some cookies. I had been so impatient that when I grabbed my things I quickly tried to leave which caused me to bump into some stranger and spill my ice tea all over his white T-shirt. Now that wasn’t a pretty site. I gasped loudly and looked at the man’s surprised expression. I remember saying sorry so many times and being so embarrassed. Though instead of getting mad at me like someone would originally do he chuckled and said it was fine. I was stunned. How could he be so calm and collected when I had literally ruined his white, I repeat white shirt?

I asked him if there was a way I can repay him for what I have done, he thought about it for quite a while when he finally took out his phone from his pocket and handed me it. He asked for my number and said he’ll let me know when I can repay him back. I agreed and asked for his name. “Jae, my name is Jae” he smiled. I couldn’t help but smile back at him.

At that moment I completely forgot that I was doing errands when my phone went off and ruined that small moment we had right there. I realized that I had to go so I had told him to contact me anytime he wanted to and left the café.

Who would’ve known two years later we’d be dating…

I was interrupted when someone cleared their throat. It was Jae. I looked up and made direct eye contact with him. He was smiling brightly and was nicely dressed.

“How long have you been waiting? Sorry I'm late, work is always keeping me busy”

“Isn't that the reason to why you're always late?” I mumbled to myself.

He sits across from me and the waitress comes over with my cup of Jasmine tea and cookies. The waitress turns to him and asks Jae, “Would you like anything sir?’

“No thank you, I won't be staying much longer.”

Jae looks at me and the bright smile he once had is now gone. Jae sighs deeply. As I'm about to say something Jae stops me and says, “I don't think this is working.” It took me a moment to process everything he had just said. Is he breaking up with me? Why did I feel weird about this, shouldn't I be happy and agree to end things?

In that moment I realized I couldn't be without him. Jae has been the only man I've been with for two years, in fact the only man I've ever been with.

I asked him, “How could this be? Did I do something wrong?” Jae looks into my eyes and says, “I don't feel anything for you anymore, I just didn't know how to tell you.”

I felt tears rushing down my face and I blurted out, “This isn't supposed to happen, I was supposed to break up with you!” Jae gets up and starts to walk away and as he is walking he mutters a sorry. I sit there in awe as I can't believe the only man I ever loved has left me.

I regret all I've said and all I've done and I only ever wanted to love him, but now he's gone for good.