I'm depressive. Not since today. Not since one year. Not since I started working at a small company. No. I'm depressive since I was in the 5th grade. Maybe earlier. I maybe just recognized it back then.
At 5th, 6th and 7th grade my best friend and I made self killing plans. Jumping from a high building, trowhing us in front of a train or running over the highway.
We didn't just making plans. No. We talked about things we would write in our last letter. We thought how it feels to fall, seeing the ground coming near in high speed.
But maybe this talking stopped us from commit suicide. We had us 2 and every week we find a reason to live a week longer.

So now I'm here. I have thought I don't have those thoughts anymore. My former best friend is also doing fine, I guess. We don't see us anymore and also don't call each other everyday, how we used to do. We just write short texts about not important topics, like anime.
You can say I'm alone. Well I feel like this. I know, No, my brain knows that I'm not alone and my parents, my brother and 1 or 2 friends will be by my side no matter what. But I'm feeling so lonely. Especially on days like today. Days, where everything goes wrong.

On these days my suicidal thoughts come back, Hug me and are my only friends. It's not even night but I just want to sleep. To get away from this. But I know after the sleep I will wake up and everything will be back again. So sometimes, just like today, I'm sitting or ly