Stuck in a rut.

But why? It's summer. The time to have fun, relieve all the stress from the school year and most importantly, relax.

Ah, relax sounds so good but why can't I do it? Why can't I be the most carefree person in the world right now? I don't know. Don't get me wrong, I have a whole list to complete before school starts but I feel as if I have no energy to do those activities. I just feel like a useless piece of garbage that's just taking up space and wasting resources. Nothing really makes me genuinely smile except for this one person I talk to online.

There's just something about her. Every single message that she sends, makes me want to talk to her even more. But I can't.She lives in a different city and still has school. The end of the year is coming up for her so she's busy finishing up final projects and studying for finals. She's rarely online and I always miss her by a few minutes. I can't wait for her to be done with school.

In the meantime, I just fill up my time somehow. Spending endless hours on Instagram, sending my friends memes. On KakaoTalk, I mentioned my moodiness to one of my best friends, Youngjae, but he just never questioned me about it. Youngjae is a good person but sometimes I just feel like it's me. We’ve been really close friends since elementary school and I know he is there for me but I still can't find myself opening up about my problems to him. I just feel as if I'll be a burden to him so I just keep a lot of the emotions to myself.

I've also been trying to keep my mind off my emotions by watching drama and listening to sad music. Especially Yongguk's mixtape, Drunkenness. I met Yongguk through Daehyun and Himchan’s mutual. Yongguk is a pretty cool guy who has a strong passion for music. He's also a terrific rapper that conveys the emotion he wants the audience to feel. Junhong’s rap is more for speed but Yongguk's rap hits you deep, right in the feels. Props to Yongguk, he’ll make a great musician. I also have been listening to Sistar’s Lonely and Seventeen’s Don't Wanna Cry on repeat. I just keep clicking on it and I'm never tired of it.

Maybe I'm just in a phase.

Maybe I'll get over it. 

I hope so.

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