chapter three

I tried to tell myself that meeting Jiwon is pointless, that I don't need to see him again. That the way things are right now are the way they should remain and we don't need to interfere in each other's life again. I tried to convince myself that I'm fine, I really did. 

But somehow, I couldn't prevent myself from driving all the way to the club that Friday night. I couldn't stop myself no matter how much I tried to resonate, because in spite of the time that faded by, I still feel as if our relationship hasn't fully ended, that we're still somehow attached in a way or another. It is only given as we had no closure nor proper goodbye. 

I sigh as I look up at the sky, blue and cloudless. Seoul is strange city for it is both calm and busy. Seoul is the silence before dawn and the afternoon noise, its traces of Jiwon at every cornor of a street. Seoul is timeless. People change as they grow older, things change as times passes by, but Seoul don't. The city remains there intact and holding onto thousand of memories. Perhaps, it's reason why I've never been able to leave Seoul, because it's only thing that remains unaltered, the only thing that I can still hold onto. 

Where I live, people rarely walk around aimlessly at odd hours of the morning, but strangely today, I am part of those rare people that strolls around without proper meaning. I needed to think, to take fresh air after meeting up with Jiwon that night... I don't know for how long I've walked or where my legs have taken me so far, but I keep making a step after another slowly, hoping the slow down the thoughts running inside my mind as well. 

``Hayi``

I turn around at the sound of my name and perceive an unfamiliar person standing a couple of feets away and little farther, another person. A little girl, petite and adorable and then, I see what she's holding in her hands and the memories comes in waves, cold and unwanted. I see Jiwon and me, in school uniforms and at an amusement park. I see Jiwon trying to win a teddy bear from one of the stupid games and I see him failing and I see my former self laughing at him and then playing. I win the teddy bear for him and he pouts, ashamed. We're in freshman year and I'm in his bedroom and that toy is somewhere in his room, lost and forgotten.

I see that teddy bear in that little girl's hands. I think of myself as silly for thinking it's the one I won for Jiwon years ago. But why do I feel like it's Jiwon's and why does this girl seems to remind me so much of him? The older women walk up to the little one, scolds her and brings her back inside the primary school. Her name is Hayi and I wonder what kind of concidence it is. 

I turn around again, back to my train of thoughts. Back to Jiwon and the things we've said to each other that Friday night. I had thought of plenty of ways I would react seeing Jiwon again and among all of them, slapping him had crossed my mind in all honesty. In fact, it was of the first reaction I had thought of for I was angry and hadn't accepted Jiwon's departure yet. Thing is, after five years, I hadn't expected myself to react that way. 

I slapped Jiwon that night. My hand cold and hard against his cheek. 

He smiled or more like smirked and apologized. “I guess I deserve it.” He's still as cocky as he was back then.

I didn't know what to say afterwards. For as long as I can remember, I've always pretended meeting up with Jiwon and spitting words endlessly. I've had prepared numberless things to say,  but standing right in front of him that night, it was as if I had lost my voice. I couldn't think properly, couldn't raise my voice and speak my mind. I couldn't remember all of these things I wanted to shout at him. My lips remained sealed and I stared at him in disbelief. And so did he.

I don't think anything would have happened if it wasn't for Zico and Mino. The back door opened up and both of them exited, theirs eyes constantly shifting from Jiwon to me. Zico was the first one to break the silence. “Bobby, we need you inside.” 

I wondered who the was Bobby until Jiwon turned around and nodded at Zico before walking in, not even bothering to give me one last glance. I guess I didn't matter to him that much.

I hid my face behind my hands, confused, tired and feeling pathetic. Mino approached me and I didn't push him away. He didn't say anything, he didn't utter any words, because he knows me and he knows I don't need to be comforted because that'd just make me feel even more pathetic. Instead, he sat down next to me and let me rest my head against his shoulder and we stayed in that position in silence for as long as I needed. 

I didn't show up to work for the next two days following that night for I was not emotionally stable enough. Mino sent me a couple of messages and phones calls and I did feel bad for ignoring them, because I know how it feels to worry about someone and have no news of them. To try and reach for someone and have no response. I called him the next day, promised I'll be there soon and that everything was fine. 

“He wants to see you.” Mino voiced as he plopped himself on a chair. It was three days after meeting Jiwon at the club and I was working on tracking sales data in order to analyze the price, demand and competition when Mino barged into the office. The others coworkers were out for lunch, but having missed two days of work, lunch was last of my priorities. I thought by “he” Mino meant the human ressource manager for I didn't show up to work without notice, but the look in Mino's eyes spoke for itself. 

It was Jiwon who wanted to see me. 

“When and where?” 

“He asked Zico to