chapter one

“I'm going. Please don't look after me.” 

Jiwon ended our seven years of friendship with seven words. Seven insignificant words hastily sent through text message. At that time, I was sitting in my Korean literature class, first desk, front row trying my best to assimilate the lecture and take as much notes as my hand would allow. My phone was on vibrate mode and up to this day, I can still clearly recall the sound of my phone buzzing in my blouse's pocket. Being in class and being the studious girl I am, I ignored the vibration of the phone.

But perhaps, if I hadn't, things would have been absolutely and wholly different now. Perhaps, I would know where Jiwon is, if he's even alive.

Later that day, when my lecture ended, I smiled seeing Jiwon's name on my rectangular shaped phone screen. He had sent me a text message, little did I know it would be the last I'll ever get from Jiwon. A month before the graduation ceremony and he disappeared, vanished from Seoul, from me leaving behind nothing, but seven words. I texted him many times, more than I should have at least. I called him every single day after his sudden departure, hoping to get a hold of him. But all of my text messages were ignored and my phones call, redirected to voicemail. Still, I left him many voice messages in which I was either snapping on him for leaving out of the blue, without any warning or proper goodbye and for not giving any signs of life or either I was crying, begging him to come back as if he never left. He was supposed to pick me up that day, he was supposed to walk me home that day and not ran away. We still had that science project to finish, Bigbang's concert to attend and all of these summers plans we had made together. What about them?

I visited his family the next day, asked if I could possibly talk with Jiwon, but he wasn't there. He wasn't ing anywhere. He had left the country apparently, but I knew it was bull. Jiwon couldn't have left Seoul. He couldn't have left me like that. After all, we were best friends for seven years and Jiwon was my crush for two years - not that he knew. I had fallen head over heels for him, but Jiwon only had eyes for Jisoo and with that being so, my feelings were left unspoken. My love, unrequited.

Jisoo had dissipated the same as Jiwon and that fact had slipped out of my mind the first couple of days, being so busy looking for Jiwon and only thinking of him. But, when the graduation day came and I looked through the senior album, I realised that Jisoo hadn't shown up to school since the day Jiwon had left. 

And the thought of them being together, somewhere out there, didn't fail to cross my mind. It was that day, I decided to stop sending him text and voice messages. To refrain myself from looking up his social medias hoping to see a new post or a new picture that could give me some clues about his whereabouts. It was that day, I decided to stop feeling so pathetic and to get rid of any lingering feelings. Jiwon was gone and my feelings had no reasons to remain. 

When Jiwon left, I always smiled under the bore daylight, pretended that it was fine, that I was fine. That Jiwon leaving wasn't a big deal. Everyone had gone on with their life as if nothing had happened. Even Hanbin, Jiwon's best friend seemed to be fine. He seemed to have made new friends and it was as if time was passing by, but I wasn't moving along unlike the others. When I was alone in the darkness of my bedroom, I allowed myself to be broken. Nobody ever unmasked the amount of the time I cried when no one was eyeing me or the amount of time I buried my head into my pillow so no one hears my suffocating cries or my compulsive sobs. The amount of times I felt like running away without telling anyone anything and just leave, the way Jiwon did. Running away seemed like a good idea at that time, but I had nowhere to go... It was when I was alone that I allowed myself to shed tears, to sob so much that my lungs ached for air and my eyes burned and the whole world turned into a blur. Jiwon's decision to leave had affected my daily life drastically and I swore that summer that I'll never ever attach myself to someone else the way I did with Jiwon, that I'll never ever let my happiness depend on someone else than my own self. 

Five years ago, I was chubby, studious and rather shy, but I have changed now. I'm not as chubby as I used to be, although I still has some weight on, I'm content with the way I looks and where I have come. My growth over the past years has been significantly positive and I'm grateful with