It was summer at a Saturday about early evening when I arrived at Hwa Seok’s house. Her graduation party slash farewell party has already started and I can feel the vibe in her home livening up even more by the millisecond. I don’t feel like partying tonight though. My chest feels completely hollow. I simply feel dead.

A few weeks before tonight, the girl who owns the missing organ in my chest just suddenly decided to never talk to me again. I was so pissed at her. Yes, we were fighting and I may have said some things that hurt her but she didn’t understand that I didn’t mean any of it. She didn’t understand that I too was hurting and so mad that it got to me.

At first, I told myself that I didn’t care, that maybe it was better for us to separate ways because everything in our relationship at that moment was just problem after problem that we can’t fully solve. I was tired of all the fighting and wanted it to just stop. “Leave then!” she yelled at me. My brows pinched angrily, nose flaring and my fists balling tight.

She probably thinks I wouldn’t dare do it but I will. I scoffed at her as I took a step back. I am exhausted. I don’t want this anymore so I spun around, briskly walking away from her, seemingly not wanting to wait any longer to just leave. I was inwardly groaning, burning in the inside with how ing mad I was but the further I got, I suddenly found myself slowing down.

The hurt, the anger and frustration within me was suddenly washed away and replaced with a sort of dread, a sort of gnawing pain and sorrow. My mind has been crowding with all sorts of thoughts but our memories together, the happy ones that we shared before the relationship went downhill, came crashing down on me all of a sudden. All I could see was her smiles. I could suddenly hear her laughter echoing in my ears.

My chest started to twist painfully when I recalled how much it made my heart burst when she says she loves me, when she kisses me or even just holds onto my hand like her life depended on it. These happy memories start to take over my thoughts until I slowly see them fade, like they didn’t happen in the first place. I started to think, to picture a life without her and that’s when I snapped back into my senses.

I stopped walking, suddenly noticing the wetness of my cheeks. I in a shaky breath when I realized just how wrong I was. I can’t ing believe myself. I walked away from Eun Bin, my Eun Bin, the first and only girl to ever make my heart skip so many beats at once, the girl who showed me just how bright and happy life can be, the girl who owned my heart.

I felt completely stupid, whirling back around, expecting her to still be standing at the spot where I left her but she isn’t. I didn’t even know why I still ran to that very spot, my tears streaming down my face even faster as the regret started to sink deeper, sink into my very bones. I reached the spot with my breath all labored. I turned here and there but I couldn’t see her anymore. That day… that dreadful day… I lost her.

“Baekhyun! Baekhyun, over here!” I heard Suho holler, snapping me out of my reverie. I gulped down the hurt and tears as I shift my gaze to Suho. He was waving his arms around to get my attention, Chanyeol and Jongdae eagerly beckoning me over. I heaved a deep sigh and forced a smile. I made my way towards them. About an arms-length away from them, Chanyeol has already grabbed me with his long arm and slung it over my shoulders.

He offered me a drink, his grin a little suspicious. “Here, have some punch.” He winked as he said this and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes. It obviously isn’t just punch. Jongdae was a giggling mess when I hesitated and only stared at the cup. Without much of a choice though, I ended up accepting the spiked punch and began to drink it.

The boys were grinning at me proudly before the conversation started to flow. I engaged in it the best that I could but it was hard when my wounds were still a little fresh and I simply couldn’t think straight. I understand that they’re acting as if things were okay so that they would be. They’re trying to cheer me up and I appreciate it, I really do, but I guess I’m just not ready to be “happy” just yet.

Still, I tried to smile and laugh along with their jokes. I wouldn’t want to ruin the mood and make them feel all sad just because I am. Hwa Seok and the two other girls have finally joined us after a few minutes, adding on to the laughs, the teases and jokes. At this time, I was smiling more genuinely and truthfully enjoying myself. For that moment, I was okay.

About an hour later, I finally feel the effects of alcohol peeking through. I am suddenly much louder as before, much more talkative and jolly. I was by the snack table, talking to Chanyeol about this new computer game I was slowly getting addicted to when our heads snapped to the sound of the girls’ squeal.

“Eun Bin-ah! It’s about time that you arrived. You missed out on a whole hour of fun,” Soojin said as hugged her best friend. Ilsoon also did the same, handing Eun Bin the cup of spiked punch Hwa Seok was trying to make her drink. Some whining and talks of being hurt by her late appearance were thrown at her then and I could hear her angelic voice apologizing for it.

My neck craned here and there. They were all talking to Eun Bin with their backs towards us, obstructing my view of my girlfriend– I mean ex, my ex-girlfriend. Even the mere thought of it left a bitter taste in my mouth and had me frowning, swirling my drink around mindlessly as my stare bore holes into their backs.

When they finally moved and parted to walk Eun Bin further into the house, I can’t help but hold my breath. This is the first time I’m seeing Eun Bin as an ex. There was a strange feeling settling at the pit of my stomach. I almost didn’t remember a time that she wasn’t my girl but here she is and she simply isn’t mine anymore.

Seeing her now oddly felt like falling in love with her all over again. I didn’t expect it. The closer she got, the more I felt overwhelmed by just how beautiful she is. I’m literally feeling myself get goosebumps because of her presences right now. She’s glowing, much brighter and more gorgeously than I could ever remember.

Chanyeol nudged me in the rib and jokingly asked me to wipe the drool from my chin. I awkwardly tore my pulverizing gaze away from Eun Bin, glaring up at Chanyeol who was giving me the most ridiculous grin ever. “Staring won’t make her love you back. You have to talk to her,” he said, nodding his head to my ex, my Eun Bin.

I pressed my lips into a thin line. It’s so easy for him to say it but it’s so hard to actually do. Sighing, I turned to look at Eun Bin again. A bitter smile tugged on my lips as I watched her laugh so stunningly. “Ex, why?” I pleading whispered to myself. I let out a shaky breath, feeling my chest squeeze and my nose prickle. So much for enjoying tonight. One look at her and I’m into melancholy again.

Immediately, I looked away. I sipped on my drink rather nervously, my hand reaching into a bowl of potato chips when Soojin hollered my name and Chanyeol’s all of a sudden. My head naturally turned to her voice but my eyes landed right on Eun Bin. I can see her pupils shaking. I knew she was nervous.

“She’s late and therefore needs a punishment to appease me.” Hwa Seok smirked at the confused looking Eun Bin and then at me. My eyes rounded in surprise and before I knew it, Hwa Seok has taken Chanyeol away and left with the girls to do who knows what or go who knows where.

I blankly stared at the spot where Chanyeol stood before Hwa Seok dragged him away. I felt a body still lingering behind and slowly, I turned. I involuntarily gulped when I looked into Eun Bin’s anxious looking orbs. I’m not sure how mine looked but hopefully, it didn’t mirror hers.

We stared at each other for a good minute before we decided that it was too much and that we had to look elsewhere. I can feel myself start to fidget, wanting to talk to her but not knowing what to say. I searched for the right words in my head but I found nothing. I glanced at Eun Bin and the girl didn’t look any better than I did.

That was where the awkwardness all started. That was roughly two years ago but I remember that day like it happened yesterday. I hated Chanyeol for leaving me then. I was upset at Hwa Seok for putting Eun Bin at such an uncomfortable position like that. I remembered her fervently apologizing a few days after her party, telling me that she doesn’t want me upset because she was leaving soon.

I remembered the sigh I let out and the smile I forced upon my face when I wrapped my arms around her, finally accepting her apology. She was pouting ridiculously at me then. Soojin was snickering into her fist and shaking her head. “How cute of you, Baek. Still worrying over your ex and all,” she teased, trying not to burst out laughing.

Hwa Seok was trying so hard not to grin but since we just made up, I only shot my menacing glare at Soojin. Her laughter slowly died down and became an awkward chuckle. She sheepishly scratched her head. “Too early for teasing, huh? S-Sorry,” she said. I sighed at that and shook my head.

A few weeks after Hwa Seok left, Eun Bin and I have met up again.

It was kind of hard not to when we have the exact same friends. I was admittedly awkward with her the first few times that we met but I soon learned to let it go. As for Eun Bin though, it was a little obvious that she was awkward no matter what. It was a little annoying that she treats me so differently but she’s so adorable when she’s awkward. It was kind of amusing.

Obviously, I hadn’t moved on but I was done grieving over the break up. At that moment, I was really just being hopeful. I kept hoping, praying that some sort of miracle would happen and she would just come back to me, that everything was mere bad dream that I have yet to wake up from.

And when I do, she’d laugh like the angel she is and call me silly for even thinking we would break up and that she didn’t love me anymore. I guess, until now I still hope and pray for the same thing. Two years have passed. I still want my Eun Bin back. I’m still very much in love with her.

“Hwa Seok’s coming back to Korea for the summer.”

I blinked, snapping out of my own thoughts and staring at the huge blinking “Game Over” on the game I was supposedly playing. “Ah, ! I died!” I groaned in frustration and threw the game controller aside. Chanyeol put his phone down and laughed at me. “Idiot, you have been dead in the game for five whole minutes…” he said with a roll on his eyes.

I stopped glaring at the screen just to look at him in confusion. He clucked his tongue at me as he reached for the controller I just threw away. “I’m guessing your thoughts are preoccupied by…” Chanyeol pretending to cough and said “Eun Bin” in between them teasingly. I shot him the meanest glare I could muster and he responded by laughing at my face.

“Man, you are so damn whipped! It’s been two years! You’re still acting like a love-sick puppy over her” he said as he replayed the game. He jutted his lip out in an exaggerated pout and turned to me as he waited for the game to load. “You’re so cute, Baekhyunie” he cooed, pinching my cheek then laughing. I groaned and shoved him away from me. “ off, Chanyeol!”

He laughed even harder at my reaction and all I could really do was scowl at him. I was about to leave for a quick bathroom break but he suddenly spoke. “Did you hear what I said earlier though?” I paused from getting up. Truthfully, I’m not sure if I did. I pursed my lips in thought for a moment to recall what he could’ve said.

“About Hwa Seok coming back to Korea?” I guessed. Chanyeol grinned at that so I probably guessed right. “And you know what that means, right?” I pursed my lips again. “That… she’s going back to Korea?” The grin on Chanyeol’s face was replaced with an irritated straight line for my stupidity at the moment. “Dude, who killed your brain cells?” He heaved a deep sigh.

“That means we’re definitely going to have a reunion.” My breath seemed to hitch up at my throat. The giant idiot is right. Hwa Seok will definitely want to see all of us again and that meant that I get to have an excuse to see my ex. Just the thought of seeing her again made me bite down a huge grin. Chanyeol caught that gesture, howling at me teasingly and nudging me in the stomach.

I had excitedly counted down the days to Hwa Seok’s welcome back dinner, not necessarily exicted to see her again but more of excited to see Eun Bin again after many months. A little mean, I know but I couldn’t help it. I was just wondering how Eun Bin was and hoping she would somehow act normal with me around again, that she was finally over the awkward stage like I was.

I wanted to talk to her freely. I want her comfortable with me again. I want to be able to make her laugh without her having to hide it. I want her look me straight in the eyes so I could see just how shiny and captivating they are. I had sat through my classes, shamelessly daydreaming of us meeting each other again.

And I would feel embarrassed with myself after realizing what I was doing. I just end up smiling like an idiot at the thought of her and suddenly have some students staring at me weirdly. Sometimes, the professor would randomly call me out for an oral recitation and when I stand up saying nothing, I get scolded for having my head in the clouds. I’d drop my head then and apologize for not listening.

As I sit back down, I heave a deep sigh and nibble on my bottom lip. What has Eun Bin done to me really? She is absolutely making me crazy! Still though, despite the embarrassment and scolding I get, I didn’t really stop until the day I’ve been waiting for finally came.

At that moment, when I was seated right in front of her, hearing her talk about how much she missed us (I hope this is me included), I couldn’t contain the wistful sighs and dreamy looks I was giving her. Jongdae kept giving me mocking glances while Suho tried almost too hard to keep a straight face, the two idiots seated at either sides of me.

Chanyeol, who was sitting beside Eun Bin, was “discreetly” taking photos of my apparently idiotic looking face. I snapped out it, flushed and heavily embarrassed, when I felt my phone vibrate with a new message. I reached for the device absentmindedly. When I opened up the new sent message, my eyes automatically narrowed. It was a meme of my face that Chanyeol just took. The idiot. I’m going ing kill him later.

I gritted my teeth as I looked up from my phone, eyes still narrowed into slits. Chanyeol nearly spit his food out trying to contain his laughter while the other two have basically lost it and started to snicker. The girls were exchanging glances, probably trying to remember what brought them to still remain friends with us all these years. I can feel myself flushing even more and couldn’t help but steal a glance at Eun Bin.

She was raising an eyebrow, eyeing the boys in the table but making sure to skip me. I pouted at that. “I had almost forgotten how weird our boys can get…” Hwa Seok commented, clucking her tongue and shaking her head. “Anyways! It’s a good think all your classes are over because I’m going to kidnap you all and take you to my beach house!” She beamed and an uproar in our table erupted at the exciting news.

On the day of our supposed trip, I was a little too excited to see my ex again so I ended up arriving early at our meeting point. The cashier was still wiping down the counter and checking the money in the cash re