[1/1]
Fiftieth May 17th
Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun started as archenemies.
When they met in their college year, Chanyeol and Baekhyun hated each other. Baekhyun hated Chanyeol out of sudden. Chanyeol hated Baekhyun for hating him out of sudden. Everyone knew it; all the fiasco they created.
But as cliché as a story could be, Chanyeol slowly, unknowingly, started to get pulled towards Baekhyun’s gravity.
=
He folds his cane and put sit on the empty spot next to him on the bench.
Releasing a long sigh, Chanyeol keeps his head up to take a proper look at the environment in front of him. The short trees and well trimmed bushes. The green, recently mowed grass pad. The seemingly endless white colored paths. Occasionally people would pass by, from blabbering little children to chatting old folks –
- like him.
He glances at the thin screen of the watch around his wrist. It’s already six in the evening.
‘May 17’, the tiny letters for the date says.
Oh, today is that date.
Was it because today is today that his heart has been acting up since this morning?
Or has his heart been acting up because today is finally his time?
Nevertheless, he keeps his hands on his laps, enjoying the fresh air. He finds himself thankful and bitter at the same time, for still being able to breathe.
Then a voice enters his ears, almost as soft as feathers. If only he wasn’t quick enough to catch it, the voice would’ve been carried away by the wind.
“Your ears are still huge.”
His breath hitches.
The voice, even though it was heard in a split of second and out of his focus, sounded too familiar that his heart wrenches because of it.
He slowly turns his head to look at his side.
There, at the other corner of the bench, sits the man,
whose face he could only saw in the back of his mind for the past fifty years.
Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun started as two different dots.
Which then grazed ways with and then collided against each other.
Chanyeol, since day one, never saw Baekhyun as a decent human being he could socialize with. Every single time they met, hell would break loose, disaster would be summoned, and people around them would go to safety like how animals run down the mountain whenever the volcano is about to erupt.
Even when they were put into the same dormitory and was forced to spend their every day together until they could be civil with each other, Chanyeol didn’t see any hope or enlightenment when he imagined one year later with Baekhyun.
So Chanyeol tried to live normally. Brushing off Byun Baekhyun, he tried to live his college life as normal as he could. Found a love interest, spent time with friends, kept his grades proper.
He was so busy trying to live normally despite waking up and falling asleep with the person he hated the most in the campus,
that he didn’t realize how he was slowly, gracefully,
getting pulled towards the center of that person’s rotation.
=
“Baek,”
“Yeol.” the man offers the softest yet sweetest grin.
Chanyeol feels like the air is being out of the world. Suddenly, the atmosphere around him is so quiet, eerie, likely ethereal. It feels like he is he only one existing there with the man in front of him.
Or technically, the projection of the person he always sees in the back of his mind.
Byun Baekhyun hasn’t changed even a little bit.
Still the same tuft of golden hair. The same dark blue sweater that covers a collared shirt. The same slightly tattered light blue jeans.
The same soft, graceful look on his face.
His first love has always been beautiful.
“It’s been,” painful, lonely, cold, aimless, chaotic, dull, “so long.”
Baekhyun chuckles. Every raise of decibel in Baekhyun’s voice twists a knot in his heart.
“Did you miss me?” Baekhyun asks with a glint of mischief in his eyes.
Chanyeol wants to laugh and cry upon the question.
“I don’t know.” he answers truthfully. “I’ve lost track on what I feel.”
The sun is already low, ready to disappear.
Just like the last time he was here with Baekhyun.
Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun were the complete opposites.
Park Chanyeol was someone who had started his life in tragedy, who then was blessed with a series of luck, and slowly, he grew into a bright person who saw hope in everything. While Byun Baekhyun was someone whose life was like a ship who had sailed by the favors of the winds at first, only to crash with an iceberg, which then forced it to sink, deeper and deeper.
Chanyeol grew up believing that love was the reason to every good thing in the world. Baekhyun grew up learning that love was just an excuse humans made to justify their darkest desires.
And maybe it was because they were north and south that instead of being repelled from Baekhyun like he had expected, he got attracted instead.
And it weren’t even rainbows and clouds that had caught his sudden interest.
It was how Baekhyun, underneath the strong, almost cocky persona, was a fragile, crumpled paper, stained with black inks and red marks.
=
“They really cleaned everything up.” Baekhyun sighs heavily. “If it’s not for the hill and the sunset, I wouldn’t have recognized this place.”
“They bulldozed everything, around ten years after –“ the words get stuck in his throat. Chanyeol coughs. “A decade after… our date here.”
Baekhyun nods in acknowledgement. “The first and the last here, huh.”
Even after five decades later, Chanyeol is still amazed at how casual Baekhyun can act while he talks about a devastating matter.
“The last time we were here,” Baekhyun’s face loses all its humor, “I gave everything I was, to you.”
Chanyeol feels the air stills.
“I never got to tell you this.” a smile accompanies the confession. “But when I told you what happened six years before, it was like I was gambling with everything, it was like I was surrendering all of me to you.”
Something brews inside his chest.
Anger towards himself.
“Do I regret ever doing that?” Baekhyun ponders, shifting his gaze towards the purplish skies above them.
“Do you?” Chanyeol asks in a thin whisper.
Baekhyun shrugs. “I should, shouldn’t I?”
Chanyeol winces.
“If only I knew I would lose the gambling, I wouldn’t have done that.”
Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun were a helpless case.
For a painstakingly long time, Chanyeol fought against his own feelings. He kept thinking that it was just a phase. He just got distracted. He was supposed to be in love with another man after all; Kyungsoo was already there for him.
But he kept falling deeper and deeper into the curious case that was Byun Baekhyun. And like a boat getting lost into the waves, Chanyeol got swept away by the currents Baekhyun made. He found himself finding more things that attracted him to the other. He found his heart fluttering over little things that showed how much of a decent, nice person Baekhyun actually was. He found himself seeing Baekhyun in his worst state, and found the strong urge to make everything better; to pick Baekhyun and his pieces up.
Especially every that particular date of the month, when Baekhyun would surrender to his own demons and wreck himself allover again. Chanyeol found himself swearing that he would pull Baekhyun away above the water.
And after a painfully long process of accepting, he finally knew it.
He was honestly, hopelessly in love with Byun Baekhyun.
=
“But I –“
“It’s alright.” Chanyeol cuts in. “I – you have all the right to resent me.”
Baekhyun raises an eyebrow, then it dissolves into a chuckle. “You haven’t changed.” he muses.
You’re not the one to speak, Chanyeol thinks.
“I can still remember all the rides here.” Baekhyun points at the park. “There used to be the teacups ride right there!”
Chanyeol nods with a smile; it eventually feels warm, right where his heart beats. “And there was the toddlers’ train.”
“My knees almost bruised because it was too cramped.” Baekhyun laughs. “Oh, there was the bumper cars track after it.”
“Uh,” Chanyeol holds his grin, “it was actually the horror ride.”
Baekhyun blinks. “I’m pretty sure it was the bumper cars first.”
Chanyeol laughs amusedly. “You’re forgetful now?”
“Uh, I’m not the one who is turning seventy this year.” Baekhyun snorts. “You must’ve forgotten but I’m –“
“Oh, I haven’t.” Chanyeol says softly. “How could I ever forget, if everything plays through my mind… every single day?”
Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun were in love with each other.
Chanyeol didn’t know, never got to know, but Baekhyun was in love with him.
It’s just that, none of them had the chance to love each other properly.
They already had their beginning, one day, May 17th, when Baekhyun took him to an amusement park in his hometown. The same day Baekhyun told him that he had his first date just six years before. The same day Baekhyun told him about everything that happened; everything that had awaken the demons that had tortured him during those years of his growth, that had wrecked him and turned him into a person he never wanted to be.
Their beginning wasn’t that pretty, but it was promising.
Yet the beauty in promises is that, they tend to break.
For them, it broke in a rather slow process.
It cracked one day, when they were testing the waters, kissing the life out of each other in their dorm room.
When suddenly, someone opened the door and caught their actions.
When they saw the hurt and betrayal on Kyungsoo’s face; poor soul who was in love with Chanyeol without knowing he never had his heart since the beginning.
When Baekhyun prevented Chanyeol to catch up with Kyungsoo because what if, what if Chanyeol changed his mind?
When Chanyeol had released his hand from Baekhyun and said,
‘it’s fine, I’ll talk to him’
and went for Kyungsoo.
That day, was when their promising beginning cracked.
=
“Have you ever wondered,” Baekhyun says gently, “how thing would’ve turned out to be, if only we didn’t fall apart?”
“I have.” Chanyeol answers honestly. “Yet I never found the answer.”
Baekhyun turns at him.
“I just wish,” the words are bitter on his tongue, “that it was different. I wish… I wish the door was locked that day.”
“Or you had let me chase Kyungsoo instead.”
“Or we had kissed earlier than that.”
“Or we had come clean with our feelings for each other earlier.”
Chanyeol closes his eyes; they feel like burning.
“But it doesn’t matter, does it?” he doesn’t see Baekhyun’s bitter smile. “We still fell apart. I still left you, and you still lived half a century without me.”
Park Chanyeol and Byun Baekhyun, in the end, broke in their own ways.
Chanyeol, who had chased after Kyungsoo, never got the forgiveness. Baekhyun, who could see he had betrayed Kyungsoo in the simplest yet sickest way, felt like he was slapped by his old demons.
‘You’ll never do things right’, Chanyeol told himself.
‘You got too cocky’, Baekhyun’s demons said at him.
So, eventually, they fell apart.
They never touched each other anymore.
A couple months after that, they were separated, moved into different rooms. That was the start of them ignoring each other’s existence.
Slowly, they were strangers to each other.
On a cold September night, though, Chanyeol was forced to know about Baekhyun’s well being.
He didn’t expect it would be the last thing he would ever hear about Baekhyun.
He got too drunk, Jongin said. Someone was forcing himself at him, Jongin continued through his sobs. He ran out of the bar blindly and a car swung towards him, Jongdae finished for Jongin.
Baekhyun lost.
Death won.
It wasn’t even by his own will.
It was the 17th day of the month.
=
“How did it feel?” Baekhyun offers him a sheepish grin. “Living half a century without me?”
Chanyeol can’t answer. He doesn’t remember ever really living. It’s like the fifty years of his life without Byun Baekhyun had blurred into old Polaroids, ready to be thrown away. “I lived after all.” he says instead.
Baekhyun laughs, seeming like he had expected Chanyeol to say that. “Did you ever… miss me?”
That, Chanyeol can answer. “Every single day.”
It was supposed to make Baekhyun blush. It was supposed to lift the mood up.
But Baekhyun cries.
He cries instead.
“I left too soon, huh?” he asked through his sobs.
Chanyeol can only reach out a hand to rest it on top of Baekhyun’s. His hand really feels Baekhyun’s skin. Baekhyun feels so real.
“You never left.” Chanyeol whispers. “You never did.”
Eventually, just like Baekhyun,
17th became the crucial date for him.
17th was the date he learnt that Byun Baekhyun was a fragile human being.
17th was the date he realized how much he loved and wanted to protect Baekhyun for the rest of his life.
17th was the date Baekhyun took his last breath.
At the next 17th after Baekhyun’s death, he thought he was going insane.
(Maybe he really was.)
That day, he woke up with the worst headache he ever experienced. He was about to call for help because he couldn’t take it anymore, when he saw someone at the edge of his roommate’s bed.
Baekhyun was sitting there.
Staring at him.
Chanyeol had screamed.
Then he cried.
Asked for Baekhyun’s forgiveness.
But Baekhyun didn’t talk.
Baekhyun never talked.
For the rest of fifty years, every 17th of the month when Chanyeol locked himself in his room for the whole day, Baekhyun never talked.
He only stared at Chanyeol,
as if reminding him that it was all his fault.
It was always like that for fifty years,
until one day, on May 17th, when Chanyeol, instead of locking himself in his room, decided to go to the park that was once the amusement park he and Baekhyun went to.
=
Baekhyun musters up a smile. It seems that Baekhyun thinks Chanyeol meant it in a metaphorical way.
Chanyeol thinks Baekhyun doesn’t need to know.
“The last time we were here, we finished everything by 6:39.”
Glancing at his watch, Chanyeol chuckles. “It’s 6:20.” he says. “We’re earlier this time.”
“Since we’re earlier,” Baekhyun grabs Chanyeol’s hand gently and stands up, “shall we leave now? Before it gets dark.”
Chanyeol stares up at him. “I’m…” he whispers, “I’m tired.”
He’s been tired for a long time.
“It’s okay.” Baekhyun smiles.
The sunset’s glow shines a little too brightly behind Baekhyun.
“You’re not alone anymore.”
He believes it.
He finally believes it.
“Okay.” he replies softly. “Okay, Baek.”
The smile on Baekhyun’s lips gets wider.
The sunset glows too brightly.
His time stops.
Park Chanyeol became the saddest man in the world.
There are lots of things he regretted about his own existence. One of them was that, it took a death to make him see that he really ed up.
.
He should’ve never let his ego win. He should’ve forced himself to be braver and change Baekhyun’s mind.
He should’ve dragged Baekhyun out of those bars,
and cried together with him, all night long,
and told him he was sorry for ever leaving the other alone with his own demons.
Or maybe he should’ve let Baekhyun chase Kyungsoo instead.
He should’ve trusted Baekhyun to clean the problem up. Maybe it would’ve been hard for them first. But through a painful process, they would’ve reconciled. Maybe in the most ridiculous way. But they would’ve made it.
And Chanyeol would’ve had the chance to love Baekhyun right,
and would’ve given Baekhyun the chance to learn how to love again.
And maybe, one day, they would’ve found themselves in their room again, with their ten friends scattered across the whole area. They all would’ve had fallen asleep, leaving only the two of them awake.
Chanyeol would’ve said, ‘let’s catch a movie tomorrow’.
Baekhyun would’ve . ‘Are you asking me out on a date?’
‘What if I am?’ Chanyeol would’ve whispered back. ‘What do you say, Byun Baekhyun? Do you want to go on a date with a clumsy, oversized giant who takes up too much space and has ugly ears and can’t tell his left from his right?’
And Baekhyun would’ve grinned.
‘Yes, Park Chanyeol, I do’
Their promising beginning could’ve led to a meaningful process, and would’ve made a beautiful ending.
But all of that never happened.
Because took the wrong decision,
and one wrong decision led to others.
And all Chanyeol could do was to regret, and regret,
and live as the saddest man in the world for the rest of his life.
But at least, at the last seconds of his life,
he saw his love again.
And somehow, Chanyeol wasn’t afraid of passing over.
Because fifty years of misery and loneliness
were worth the thirty minutes of seeing Baekhyun’s smile for the last time.
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