He was sweaty, his skin looks glistening under the light of the make up room. They gather once again and put their hands in the center. I saw them yell together, their usual before-the-stage 'fighting', in the midst of their short breath after changing costume and fixing hairdos.
I peeked carefully and adjusted my sight from the small gap between the door and the wall, standing carefully outside the room when they walked towards the backstage door, once again performing their best.

I took a step backward, unable to process what just happened. Some coordi eonnies walked in front of me and I bowed out of habit, a habit I grew accustomed to after living in Seoul for quite a long time.
They smiled at me and even invited me to sit and rest with them, because they said I look pale.
Of course I looked pale, I spent the whole day struggling in the hot weather of this place, the country where I used to live since I was a kid.
It was funny, how this tropical weather once felt so familiar, yet felt so weird for me now. At least this is not the same place I met him the first time, so I should be less emotional, I thought to myself.

I walked toward the make up room and nodded my head to the guards, they knew who I am because I wear a backstage pass. I walked around and to specific direction toward his backpack, or what I recognize as his white headphone lied on a black bag with black jacket folded neatly beside it.
I took the headphone and the cable ended up on his phone, on and 40% battery, I touched the unlock button and felt butterfly in my stomach when I saw his wallpaper. It was a picture of our intertwined fingers, the one we took last year before he departed to Japan.

*****
1 year ago
He kept convincing me to go with him,
'just go with me, it'll be fun'
'no Hoseok, I'll stay, I have a lot to do here anyway'
'come on, it's just for one day, what could possibly gone wrong if you come?'
'a lot. there is a lot of things may happen wrongly'
'no, as long as you stick with me'
'that is the problem, the more I stick with you, the more it'll grow as a problem.'
He pouted, so cute yet so handsome.
He put his hands under his chin and pouted cutely.
'Eunsollieee.. come on and go with me!'
'your aegyo won't do anything at this rate, you know, I grow so tired of it, please stop' I said.
He stopped his aegyo and sit straight, his face turned to a more serious expression.
'I don't know why, it's even harder to enjoy time being with you now.'
'you should have known better, it's because you grew, you changed, you are now bigger than what you think you are, thats why I have to be that annoying one who constantly reminds you to be careful'
'what are we being careful about?'
'I dont know too, you tell me.'
He sighed, and I sighed even longer, I know we would always stop at this kind of conversation.

I would drive alone with car I rented and parked far from their van, I'd dress as if I was one of the fansite master, taking my camera with me, as a property to look like a considerate masternim.
In fact, I just wanted to say goodbye.

He would walked out from the car and crossed the airport in the coolest way possible, and I'd have a fast-beating heart when he walked crossed me.
I'd walked fast with the crowd and took several pictures, and end up stopping at a nearby bench and stare at him in awe, from afar.

He caught me one day on his way to Japan.
'Eunsol? Is that you?'
He messaged me.
I knew he'd do this especially after our eyes met for 1 second in the crowd earlier. I knew I was being to close
'what do you mean?' I replied.
'nope, I thought I saw you.'
'where?'
'here in the airport.'
'are you kidding? i'm at home now.' I insisted.
'nope, the other also saw you, Jin hyung, Jungkook and Jimin did. where are you now?'
'at home' I repeated.
'share your location, now.' he insisted.
'I dont want to, Hoseok.'
'see? you're here. Meet me now or I'll never forgive you for lying to me.'
I stood up from my bench and walked back and forth in confuse, until he called my phone. 'look at the glass door on your left.' he said.
I turned my head to the left and saw his eyes, just his eyes, everything is hidden well by a face mask and the poster sticked on the door, and he looked at me with wide eyes. No, he glared at me.
I walked towards the glass door but cannot hear him. He told me to go to the gate and get in the waiting room. They have not checked in.
Later he told me to get in a convenient store and there he was, standing with his hand folded and pouty ㅅ face. I went in, ignored him and opened the chiller to get some iced coffee.
'what are you doing here?' he started.
'saying goodbye to you.' I answered.
'why wont you tell me? I even asked you to go with me?'
'nothing, I just dont want you to worry about me.'
He gave me a long sigh and made himself a cup of hot coffee from the machine.
I went to the cashier and paid, still ignoring him.
He chased me to the cashier and said,
'ya Eunsol, I will let you go this one time. promise me one thing, though. stop doing this and come with me someday.'
I turned to him and walked closer. I stopped and stared at his eyes, trying to not looking fearful at all.
'I'll think about it. and I paid for the coffee already.'
He came and took my hand in his. 
'Dont make me sad here. I'm sad enough to leave Korea each time, thinking I'll leave you lonely, but it looks like you never care, right? I'm feeling stupid the whole time, but today what have I found out? I know how you really feel. Honestly, I'm happy and sad to find you here.'
'Hoseok, no need to embarassed me right on my face. You know I could never stop fangirling over you.'
'I didnt know, but now I know.'
He smiled proudly and make me wanted to punch his face.
'what is that smile for???' I was grumpy.
'you are a very lucky fangirl, you know that?' he said while pinching my nose.
'I know right.'
'promise me one thing, that you will come with me someday.' he said once again.
'okay.' I said quickly and sat on one of several provided seats inside the store. Beside the seat was a glass wall and only half down covered by posters of products.
He came after me and offered me his pinky finger.
'promise?' he said while kneeling down.
'promise.' I said, chuckling.
'wait, let me have a proof.' he said, taking his phone and set the camera.
He held our pinky finger in place and took a good photo of it.
'done!' he said, satisfied smiling and standing up.
He kneeled back so fast and said, 'oooops, nobody should see us here.' he kneeled down next to me.
'us? I thought we are doing this without any agreement of the word 'us'?' I always about this, half because I was tired with all this stupid romantic experience initiated by him, half because I truly wanted him to know how chicken he is to always do this to me and admit nothing in front of the others the day after.
He glared at me and threw a knowing look.
'dont start talking about this'
'ow ow ow! Okay, as you wish, Jung Hoseok! i have to maintain your happy virus because you are going to Japan!' I blabbered.
He did not smile at all. He looked sad and burdened and I regreted my words right there right now.
'You know why we have to keep it low right? I'd tell the others if it's safe. Just wait for me and I'll always come back to you.' he said for like the 5.893.256 times.
He looked so soft and brokenheart everytime he asked me to wait. He asked me to have faith on him, but none of his action indicated he is worth the wait.
I smiled and couldnt bring him any worse than this. He had too much to worry about, already. 

'Nee, Hoseok-ah, joesonghae. Jja, I'll stop here and let you go now! I see someone is calling you since a minute ago. Your phone is vibrating.'

I stood up and walked backwards toward the shelf of the store. 'Bye! Safe flight!' I waved my hands.

He stood up too and put his face mask on. He came near me, ruffled my hair, stared at me for some seconds, and exchange our coffee. 'Take care.'

I can see him smiling behind the mask, and he walked out of the store in a hurry.

I wanted to go away ASAP from here but I cant because Hoseok exchange our coffee, now I have hot cappucino instead of iced coffee. So I put on my earphone and let any random song played.

I've been crying for a long time.
Again today, I long for you
It's been hard for you, right?
Those words, those words of comfort as you look at me

I've been lost in your memories for a long time
But when I opened my eyes, I only see your back
Is this a dream?

I just want you, love me, will love come?
Tell me that you love me, if you feel the same way
I hope and hope and hope but I cant have you
I know this but I look for you again like a fool

You wont even know even if I am always smiling
How much my exhausted heart has cried
If I call out to you and tell you I miss you thousand of times
Will you think of me at least once?

-song by Kim Na Young, Hope and Hope

I changed the song right away. My eyes were wet of tears. I drank the hot coffee and went home.
*****

I stared at the photo of our intertwined fingers and put his phone back to his bag.

At this point, I still remember everything very clearly, how frustrating it was back there.
But what I have now are a lot more precious.

I could hear them singing and rapping out there, my heart pounded so hard.
I have watched the first half performance and felt satisfied, I decided to come here and say hi to everyone. Everyone was quite surprised to (finally) see me here, because I've been to the office and studio often, but always refuse to come to the concert.
Yet, because this is my home country, I decided to come, and decided its time to fulfill my promise to Hoseok.

I sat outside and had a chit chat with the coordi eonnies as they offered before and had a good time listening to their story, since they arrived until the preparation of concert today.
Suddenly the concert was finished and dancers flooded the make up room, luckily they were just passing by, some of them recognize me and wave their hands.

I was so nervous and peeked carefully into the make up room, I saw Yoongi the first time and he saw me too, still with the clip on set on his ear. He made an 'o' shape with his lips and widened his eyes. 'You...?' -
Namjoon and Jin came after him and cut Yoongi's words because Jin screamed 'Eunsol!!! You're here!!!' I almost ran towards them, we held each other's hands and jumping around like we havent seen each other for years.
Namjoon sat on the nearby couch, he took off his blazer and said 'Hobi will pass out if he see you here.' I threw him a towel because he sweats a lot, like he usually is.
Taehyung and Jungkook went in, chattering like crazy and didnt look tired at all. They look so charming and handsome, they stopped talking when they see me and slowly looked at each other, at me, and towards backstage. 'Hi Tae, Jungkook!' I said simply.
'Noona! Wooow what a great surprise!! Does Hobi hyung know about this?' Jkook said.
I shook my head and threw another towel to him.
Meanwhile Taehyung walked back towards the backstage and tried to slow Hoseok down. All of us chuckled when we heard Hoseok's annoyed voice, being disturbed by Tae. Jimin went in the room before Hoseok and Tae, and he stopped while pointing at me angrily. I smiled and amazed on how good he looked with light chocolate hair, again, after blonde and pink. I came closer and we did a quiet, short hug.

Tae came in with Hoseok at last, Hoseok was extremely annoyed and screamed here and there. 'yaaaa Kim Taehyung, let go of me!!! Whats wrong with you??? Arrrgh, get off me! Ouwh I'm so thirsty I need some water-'

He stopped at his sentence when he saw me. I stood up there, bouncing on my feet, nervous as hell.
His face is so priceless, his hair has gone back to black, and his skin look so fairly bright because of it. He slowly changed his surprised face to a more relax and a smile formed on his lips, I walked fast near him and everything around seems to disappear except the two of us.
He hugged me so tight, I could feel his body still warm from his movement on stage and maybe the light. His neck still wet of the sweat but I didnt mind at all. He smelled good still, I squeezed his body with my hands around his neck and felt the tears flew out of my eyes for no reason.
We let go and there we stood, he looked so tall in front of me, and surprisingly look more protecting when he put his chin just before my temple, his hand squeezing my hand in the most loving way possible.
'sorry it takes me forever to fulfill my promise.' I said, looking up to him.
He stayed still and hugged me again. 'it doesnt matter, you're here anyway.'
'sorry I didnt do this earlier, I dont want to be a burden for you.' I said.
'you are never a burden to me, even if you consider yourself a burden, you are the burden I love so much' he said.
'So cheesy.' I pinched his cheek.
'By the way, you fulfill one promise but you broke another one.' he said, furrowing his eyebrow together.
'how come?' I quickly asked.
'you promised me you will never call yourself a burden anymore, that same day you said 'I do'.
I smiled in guilt 'I know, I'm sorry Hoseok..'
He still hugged me tight and have not let go.
'I love you'-
'I love you'-
We stopped and chuckled because we almost said it in the same time.
'lets go and say hi to the other..' I let myself off Hoseok, and wanted to walk towards the others.
I found myself being pulled back to Hoseok and his hand on my waist.
'After one quick kiss.' he said.