Seulgi and I, we did it again today.

Recently, Seulgi had been feeling down. I can see the way she drowns herself in thoughts almost every time that she's not busy. She isn't as enthusiastic as she was when she talks to her friends, nor when she talks about her favorite things. She doesn't even eat or sleep as much as she does.

And when the night comes, she gives me a call.

"Seungwan, can you come over tonight?"

And every night, I always come to her place.

I was always there, willing to listen to her; but she never speaks about what her problem is.

She just asks me to stay for a moment, and we both stay in silence as we stayed outside their porch.

There was once, when she asked me for a hug. And I know that she needed it the most, and that's the only thing I could possibly offer her, so I did.

Almost every night, she asks me to give her physical contact, even though I know she's not fond of those. But I am, and I am more than willing to give Seulgi more than what she needs.

I am her friend; ever since I met her in our freshman year, I have always been there for her.

I know her, like the back of my hand. I know her, like every strand of my hair. I know Seulgi, and I know that something's up with her.

I knew that she had something going on in her head, when she suddenly said,

"Seungwan..." with the reddest of cheeks I have ever seen on her. "Would you mind if you kiss me tonight?"

---

We did it again today.

Almost every night -- and even in daylight -- she asks me for a kiss.

I don't know what made her ask me for that; but all the same, I am more than willing to give her kisses.

She needed it; I wanted it.

In a way, we both win, right?

Recently, she starts to hold my hand when I least expect it -- when we walk, when we sit together on the benches at school, when we talk together in public.

I don't want to admit, but it does make me feel like my stomach did backflips. I want to tell her what she does to me, or ask her if she's aware of her impact on me.

I want her to know that I love her; I want to listen to her, and ask her what's wrong.

But I never had the guts to ask her; for she might not feel comfortable talking about it, or if it's so heavy that she couldn't even explain it to me.

I want her to tell me, but on her own.

I don't want to pressure her.

But every night -- each day that passes -- her kisses become needier. Her hugs become tighter. Her grip on my hands become more firm.

And I want to believe that somehow, maybe she wants me too.

Maybe she needs me the way I need her.

Maybe... Maybe she's in love like I am.

---

"I love you."

I must be hearing the wrong thing.

What was it?

'Love', was that the word?

She 'loves' me.

Of course, all I could do was blink.

I was searching for the fondness in her eyes, but she couldn't even look at me.

She was looking down, pursing her lips, with her uniform almost undone.

She looked like a mess; a wreck.

Like she ran laps, only to look for where I was.

She looked troubled; but more than anything, she looked desperate.

Seulgi held both of my hands in her trembling pair. Her hands were still as soft as when I first held them; when she first held mine.

I wanted to ask; I wanted to know if this was what she wanted to tell me the whole time.

Was this the reason you ask me over every night?

Was this the reason you hold my hands?

Was this the reason why you wanted me to hug you on your down-est of days?

Was this the reason... You desperately asked me to kiss you?

Do we share the same heartbeat for each other?

Are you suffocating when I'm out of sight, like how I feel to you?

Is the room cold when I'm not beside you?

Do you need, want -- love -- me as much as I do to you?

Carefully, I freed both my hands from her hold, only to run my hands through her hair, and to caress her cheeks.

That was the only time she dared look at me.

And even though I'm not a mind reader, I knew she was sad.

Sadder than ever.

And it took me all the courage I have in me to step forward to kiss her forehead.

A kiss for protection. I'll protect you.

I kissed her on the cheek.

A kiss for friendship. No matter what happens, I'll still be the friend that you used to talk to about almost anything. Anytime, and anywhere.

And a kiss on the lips.

This obviously isn't the first time I did this. But for some odd reasons, this one makes me more nervous. This one makes me feel that I need to kiss her hard enough, to let her know how much I waited for this time to happen; for her to tell me those words.

I wanted her to feel how much I needed her.

She pulled me closer, and that's when I felt something rolling down my cheek.

Tears.

It was her tears.

I don't know if it was out of happiness, or out of sadness.

As someone who knows her, I'd like to believe it was the latter.

---

We're not lovers.

Technically, we're still friends who meet up as often as we used to when we're both free.

She doesn't call me every night like she did before, and I wanted to believe that it was because she was doing better now.

I want to know if I, confessing back, made her feel a bit better.

But when I see her, she doesn't look as troubled as she does.

Her skin has color on it; she looked livelier.

She started laughing again; I thought I'd never get to see her do that.

But I do notice that she had become more serious. She wasn't as friendly as she was back then.

She surrounds herself with the same people every day. People who I didn't think she'd actually befriend.

Jung Soojung, Myoui Mina, Yoo Yeonjoo, Kim Jisoo.

Occasionally, I also see her hanging out with some boys; Oh Sehun and Kim Jongin.

There's a certain glimmer in her eyes whenever I see her with any of the people mentioned.

Affection?

Passion?

Admiration?

Whatever it was, I see it the most when she's with Soojung.

Maybe it was the aura that the people has, that makes her look at them.

She couldn't even look at me like that.

What was surprising was that Seulgi wasn't the one pushing herself to them,

Those people are the ones who seems to be magnetized to her.

And I don't know anymore what Seulgi feels about me.

---

"Seungwan..."

She must've noticed.

She went to my classroom after classes, when everyone else had left to hang out with their respective friends.

"Seungwan, come on." Seulgi said, kneeling beside the chair I'm sitting on. "What's up..? You're not spending time with me anymore."

I wanted to tell her I was sorry. I wanted to apologize for constantly avoiding her.

But I can't look at her; not when I feel that poisoning feeling inside me.

Jealousy, was it?

"Seungwan, please." She started to hold my hand. "Look at me. Please tell me what's going on."

I obeyed, and looked at her. But I couldn't speak.

I don't want to.

I don't want her to know that I'm feeling this way.

We're not even dating. She's not even my girlfriend.

She only said that she loved me; but she was never mine. She still isn't mine.

She loved me, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have the right to love someone else.

I don't want to show her that I'm being shallow.

So, in the vaguest way possible, I tried to send my message to her.

"You..." I started. "You smell like Victoria's Secret's scent 'Scandalous' quite recently."

Seulgi smelled her blouse's collars.

"Oh," She said. "It's Soojung's perfume. She gave me a bottle because she said I might miss her too much once school gets busy with requirements."

I smiled. A bitter one, but I know that with Seulgi's denseness, she wouldn't even see it through.

"Well, will you miss her?"

"Of course." She said almost immediately.

Of course.

Of course, she will.

Soojung was probably a cool, fun person. Someone that Seulgi would truly want to be with.

As for me, I don't have much of that. I don't know what to tell Seulgi to keep her amused.

I don't even amuse myself.

All I can give her was silence. Hugs. Kisses.

Only things that would comfort her, but not things that would entertain her the way those people do.

"I think Soojung's a cool person," I said. I sighed in defeat and stood up.

Seulgi stood up and followed me as I walked out of the room. She accompanied me all the way home, but neither of us had anything to say.

---

Just when I thought I was the most broken I would ever be, I saw something that powderized my heart to the point that I was beyond broken.

The sight killed me. I felt like someone had stabbed me, but this probably hurts more.

Because the pain was from the inside.

Physical pain can be tended, but emotional pain?

I don't even know what to think about, or who to blame.

Do I blame Seulgi, who was pinned by a certain Soojung against the wall as she allowed the latter to kiss her roughly?

Or do I blame myself, for constantly believing that I have Seulgi? For allowing myself to fall deeper, even though I know that I was bound to crash when I reach the bottom?

Do I blame myself for continuously being hurt, because I know -- and I truly know -- that Seulgi doesn't love me in that way? Because even though I know that this is one-sided, I still make myself believe that Seulgi would catch my feelings and return them?

Maybe I'm the wrong one.

I shouldn't be feeling this way.

I shouldn't be feeling this kind of hatred -- to Seulgi, to Soojung.

To myself.

This feeling drives me mad, and I don't know if I should still hold on.

With a heavy heart, I ran away.

I don't think I still have the guts to look at Seulgi in the eye.

---

I wanted to avoid Seulgi the whole week, so I decided to hide in the library where I can let myself be lulled by the silence and the atmosphere.

I used to always spend time in the library, but I don't think I have ever seen this girl.

From her uniform, I can tell that she was in the college department. But all the same, she was from the same university.

She wasn't reading anything; she was just alone on one of the big, rectangular tables in the library, with earphones on.

She looks like she was bothered, with the way her forehead was wrinkled and her eyebrows her knitted together.

Like she was trying to maintain her calm.

That made me wonder if I look like that, too.

I wonder what kind of struggle she's going through.

Maybe I should try to talk to her some other time.

---

Seulgi went to my classroom again that afternoon, after classes.

"Hey," She greeted by the door. "Soojung and I will be going to the karaoke today. Want to tag along?"

Was she asking me if I was willing to be third-wheeled?

"I'd rather I don't." I muttered, as I tried with all the energy I have in me, not to look like I cared. "I'm not even close to Soojung."

She scratched her head. "That's why I'm asking you if you wanted to tag along. I want to introduce you two to each other."

She acts to innocent, even smiling at me, as if she had never kissed the both of us.

Was she serious in trying to make me -- someone she had kissed -- meet the person she had just kissed? Was she for real?

If I had never seen that, I would've agreed to come with her.

I still want to go; after all, I'll be coming for Seulgi, and not for Soojung.

I'll be going because I want to spend time with Seulgi.

But I can't give the assurance that I won't be slapping Soojung, or attacking her, if I see her being dangerously close to Seulgi while I'm in the same room as them.

"Hey." Another voice said. It was Soojung.

She looked neat. Her uniform was tidy; it made her look like she was pure.

Like she didn't force herself into kissing Seulgi earlier today.

"You're Seungwan?" She smiled. "I'm Soojung. I've heard a lot about you from Seulgi."

Seulgi stepped aside to let Soojung into the room, but neither of them attempted to come closer to me. It was as if they wanted to leave immediately if I don't stand up anytime soon.

"Want to come with us?" Soojung asked. "Or do you have anything else to do?"

"I don't," I said. "It's fine. But I don't have the money, so might as well not come along even if I wanted to." I didn't really want to.

Soojung chuckled. "It's all on me. Seulgi would feel bad if you didn't come along."

I don't know if she meant it or not.

But as stupid as I am, I stood up when I heard it.

Soojung laughed; maybe she thought I stood up because she said it was her treat.

But I stood up because she said that Seulgi would feel disappointed.

I'm so stupid, I hate it.

---

I've sang enough songs for the day, as I feel my body give up.

Seulgi had forced me to sing, as she keyed in some songs. I didn't want to disappoint Seulgi, and I obviously want to prove that I have some skills to threaten Soojung.

As I sang, I watched Soojung laugh as she talked with Seulgi, occasionally sipping beer and pushing Seulgi to drink with her.

But Seulgi declined; I knew her parents would get mad if they smell alcohol on her.

Seulgi silently ate some chips that they had ordered, as she watched me; watched my every movement, the way I sing, and the way I look back at her.

She wasn't drunk, but even under the dim lights, I can see that she was red -- red for me, I suppose.

And they were four songs all in all, before Soojung volunteered to sing something.

The song was in the middle when Seulgi asked if she could excuse herself as she needed to go to the washroom. Soojung nodded, but I was surprised when Seulgi started to pull me with her.

---

"What was that?" Seulgi asked.

I didn't know what she was talking about, but I'm guessing she was talking about the way I was looking at her the whole time I was singing the songs she put in for me.

"You look like..." Seulgi bit her lip, as she looked into my eyes, then to my mouth, then back to my eyes. She sighed, running a hand through her hair, obviously keeping herself from being flustered.

She didn't even bother to finish the sentence.

Locking the washroom, she said, "You make me so ually frustrated."

And I never expected that with one sentence, my mouth could go dry.

She started to undo her ribbon, as she stepped closer to me.

"Don't be too loud," Seulgi whispered. She ed her blouse, watching me. Smiling slightly, as if she was enjoying my reactions. "It'll be quick, don't worry."

She kissed me. And as soon as she broke it, that's when I realized that my blouse was already ed to the very last one.

I didn't even notice her undoing my buttons for me.

I don't know what was going on.

We didn't go all the way.

The farthest that we have gone was on my chest.

Last time, I've heard was that she was ; how the Hell was she so good?

Maybe it was because it was my first time to be touched like that, or maybe...

Maybe someone -- I'm not going to name anyone -- had done things to her.

Seulgi had always been a fast learner; who knows, maybe she learnt it from her first time (if she ever HAD given someone her first time already).

For someone as wholesome as Seulgi, I never expected her to be aggressive. Even to the point of removing my blouse for me.

She did all things that made me go crazy.

I wasn't able to stop myself from ; I couldn't stop myself from whimpering.

And maybe if I had the power to stop myself from making noises, we could've gone further.

Seulgi only stopped because she didn't want us to get caught.

But did she ever consider my feelings?

Anyway, we're back in the karaoke room, and Soojung was back to sipping her beer.

Seulgi looked innocent, as if nothing happened between us.

She decided to pick a song to sing herself,

As I was left to overthink on my own.

---

The college girl was in her usual spot again.

This time, she was texting someone, but every time her phone vibrates, the more she gets frustrated.

She looked like she was on the verge of breaking down, and I knew best that if I was her friend, I would've patted her back by now and had given her a piece of advice or something.

Probably even taken her out to get some food.

I didn't want to go to her, but it seems like she needs someone to talk to.

She looked around, and as soon as she looked in my direction, I averted my gaze.

I didn't want her to know that someone was watching her as she suffers from whatever was her problem.

She stood up, making me hold my breath.

I thought she was going to approach me and tell me that I was being rude and I should be minding my own business.

But plot twist: she went outside the library.

---

"Sup?" Seulgi greeted.

I looked up from my desk.

It was dismissal time, and it took Seulgi a good twenty minutes before she went to my room.

She's late -- I think I know what's up.

"Don't 'sup' me," I said. "What took you so long?"

Seulgi fiddled with her thumbs. "I did a favor for Sehun..."

Sehun?

Wasn't Sehun the guy who's rumored to be a...

"What favor?" I asked. "You could've told me. I shouldn't have waited this long, and I could've helped you with it."

Seulgi looked down. "It's nothing, really. It wasn't too much, so I agreed to it. Sorry for being late."

"No, really." I asked. "I don't want to judge you or anything, Seulgi. But I just want to know the truth. I think I deserve to know what's been happening to you."

There was adrenaline running through me; I never once thought of interrogating Seulgi like this. But since my feelings are concerned, I have no other choices but to ask her like this.

"Why do you keep prying into this? This is none of your business, Seungwan." Seulgi said. "I'm tired. I don't want to talk about anything today."

"All I'm just asking is what you did for Sehun. Why are you so -hurt about it?"

"Why are you so nosy about it?"

"I'm always this nosy, Seulgi! So what makes it different now?"

Seulgi glared at me.

It was pretty obvious that Seulgi's blood was starting to boil.

I start to feel guilty; maybe she's right.

It's not my business in the first place.

After all, she's free to do whatever she wants. I have no authority over her, and never will I have any permission to tell her what to do and what not to do.

"You know what? This is pointless," Seulgi huffs. "If you're going to start giving me that attitude, then it's better if I stop seeing yo--"

I don't want to hear it.

I don't even like the idea of Seulgi leaving me -- if it's as lovers (if she ever loves me), or as friends.

This is alarming; I'm starting to notice how dependent I have become to Seulgi. Even if it hurts to see her around so many people, I still want to be with her.

At the end of the day, I know I'm going to regret this if I don't apologize.

So I stood up and ran towards the door where Seulgi stood and hugged her.

"I'm sorry..." I muttered against her neck. "I didn't mean to invade your privacy."

The air was still, yet the atmosphere chokes me.

I can feel the way Seulgi's hand slowly moved to pat my back. Her free arm wrapped around my waist.

"I'm sorry..." I said again. "I was too concerned. I just missed you, Seulgi. Every time you're away."

This is pointless, I think. Because Seulgi will never feel the same; and yet here I am, offering all my time and energy and heart and soul for her.

My heart was beating fast because I don't know what to do.

I don't know if it truly angered her. And I hope I didn't.

Seulgi tucked the sides of my hair behind my ears and lifted my chin to kiss me.

I don't know what makes her think it's easy to just kiss me like that.

How and when did she even get such courage? Back then, she was shy as Hell, to the point where she couldn't even ask for ketchup at a restaurant!

But I kissed back.

Even if Soojung kissed her there.

Even if the other girls probably kissed her there.

Even if Sehun -- God knows -- kissed her there.

I kissed her back, because I know that she was the one who wanted to kiss me in the first place.

Kissing Seulgi was the only time I felt like she was the one who needed me, for actually initiating something like that.

Her hands slowly slid down my back, and as soon as they reached the hem of my blouse, they easily made their way underneath it.

The feel of Seulgi's soft hands against the skin of my back makes me burn inside.

I want her.

I want Seulgi.

---

"Excuse me, are you stalking me?"

It was the college girl.

Somehow, we ended up in the same cafe the next day, and I didn't even expect that the table I usually take would be the table next to this college girl's table.

I bowed in respect. "Ah, please don't misunderstand," I said timidly. "This is my usual table here. And whatever happened yesterday... I didn't mean to stare at you like tha--"

"What happened yesterday was understandable," She said, with a smug smile. "I'm beautiful, so I know why people look at me like that."

Well, now that she had mentioned it, she actually looks rather beautiful.

Her skin was pale, her hair was black, and long, and straight.

She was about the same height as I am.

Her lips were red, and she had doe eyes. Her nose was tall, and she looked like a person who people would actually stare at.

But she wasn't my type; no, she wasn't Seulgi.

"I just thought you'd be one of my stalkers after this coincidence," She continued. "Anyway, if we're bound to keep seeing each other in the library and bumping into each other in this cafe, might as well introduce myself.

"I'm Bae Irene." She says, as she extended a hand to me.

Shyly, I took it into mine and shook it. "Seungwan," I responded.

"Well, you seem like you love books," she commented as she gathered her things. She inserted them into her bag, and hung it over the chair parallel to me.

She's going to sit with me.

"But you look like you love to brood more." She said. I blushed. "Well, you seem like you have a problem. If you want, you can tell me about it. I'll be a good senior and listen to you."

"Oh, it's nothing, really!" I said. Of course, it's better not to make things worse. I'll just keep these all to myself. "But I could throw the same question to you. You seem like you're always stressed."

Irene nodded. "Ah, yes. Finals are coming, and my problems are getting in the way. I don't know which one to prioritize."

As much as I wanted to respect her own decisions in life, I wanted to give out my opinion and comments, as well. "Well, unnie... You could try to fix your personal problems first. Mental health should be prioritized over anything."

"Fixing it would be a waste of time," She says. "I've ed up badly in my relationship, and I think it's better if I should just focus on my studies. I need to live up to my father's expectations, anyway."

I don't want to pry into her life -- after what happened to Seulgi and I -- but I suddenly got interested as to what her problem is.

"Well, how 'bad' did you ' up' in your relationship anyway? I think you could still do something to make it right." I said.

A sigh. "I don't know if I should be saying this to you because it's so shallow, but I think I made the wrong decision from the very start.

"Two people confessed at the same time; one of them was rich, and knows how to balance social life with studies. The other one was my childhood friend. Guess which one I chose."

If I were in her shoes, I think she's wise enough to pick the one she knew almost half of her life.

Monetary needs is something she would reconsider, but from her vibes, she looks like someone who's soft, and would actually pick the friend.

"Um... The friend?"

She smiled.

"Yes. That's the one I chose.

"The one I chose to reject." She then laughs, probably at how stupid she was. "I didn't want our friendship to end. Turns out, that person could've treated me better than the rich guy I chose. I'm so stupid."

I felt her struggle; how she wanted to stay friends and save their wholesome relationship, but emotions are getting in the way.

"Well, I feel you." I told her. "But the difference is, I don't really have any people to confess to me. Just that I keep choosing my friend, even though I know that she's got a lot of people around her that she can choose over me."

Irene clapped silently. "Well, I admire your patience with her. My friend has a lot of people around her too now, so I think that even if I broke up with my boyfriend, she'll probably not come back for me anymore. She seems very happy now."

Well, Seulgi was sad.

I don't know what to tell her, since we differ with the situation. But I guess I should cheer unnie up.

"Well, like what I said, it's never too late to fix it." I said. "She used to like you, didn't she? Then it's not impossible to make her want you again."

She smiled. "You're kind. But I doubt it would happen, since I see her hanging out with a lot of people way too often, that I'm guessing she's been having flings here and there. Just a little more and she's officially going to date one of them."

"Ah, I feel you." I sighed in defeat. "Well, you can tell me who she is, and if I know her, I'll look for a way to help you get together."

"I doubt you know her, though." Irene says. "My friend is a bit shy, and she's not one to make friends. The people around her were the ones who probably befriended her, and she had no choice but to accept them. She's that nice."

"Well, if that's the case, then I'll pretend to be after her! So that we become friends, and I'll put you in the mix. I assure you, you'll win her back, since it's not too late!"

Irene just laughed. "Well, if you say so."

"I promise, unnie!" I said, with conviction.

I never make promises with strangers, but I wanted to help. "I'll do all that I can, and I'll put my heart to it! Just tell me the name, and you'll see her coming back for you in no time!"

"If that's the case..." She says, opening her bag.

She took out her wallet and looked through the smaller pockets in it.

It seems like she has a lot of pictures in it.

She took one out, and showed it to me.

"This is our picture together, just recently. This was before I rejected her."

I took the picture in my hands.

Oh, God.

It was...

They're beautiful, it makes me want to cry.

I don't even want to continue the conversation, but well...

She ended it.

"I have to go, my next class is about to start." She says as she stands up.

But before she starts to walk away, she says the name of the other person in the polaroid.

I didn't want to hear it, but I heard it anyway.

"She's Kang Seulgi."

---

Truth is, I don't even have to pretend that I like that person, just so that I could befriend her.

Irene's Kang Seulgi is the same Kang Seulgi that I know; that I have befriended, and loved.

Whatever made me promise to Irene to get them back together is surely the reason why my brain had been malfunctioning for the past few hours, and I think that by now, Seulgi thinks that I'm weird.

"Are you okay?" She asked. "You look like you lack sleep."

I have slept, of course. But I think I have been blanking out for quite a few times already which led her to think of that.

"Yeah, I did." I said. "Just... Thinking about things."

Should I tell her?

Should I tell Seulgi that I have met -- talked -- to someone she used to like?

Would it shock her?

Will she ask me to find a way to get them back together?

Do I have the guts to actually say it?

Do I have the strength to basically give her away?

"About what?" She asks, as if she was actually interested in hearing things about me.

I snorted. "Chemistry,"

"You said Chemistry was easy last time." She said. "I was actually about to ask for some help later about it, but it seems you're kind of lost, too."

Panic.

Of course, I was lying.

I found Chemistry easy.

Why am I such a bad liar?

"Well, I mean I messed up some parts. But maybe if we could study together, we'll both get it right." I said nonchalantly. I hope she doesn't see through it.

"Of course, you would." She smiled. "You're so good in academics; it's almost impossible for you to not get a topic right."

I nodded it off, wanting to dismiss the topic.

I wonder how she would react if she sees that I have a picture of them? Of Irene and her?

Would she feel mad?

Angry?

... Sad?

Does she still feel something for Irene?

Would she come back to her, if she knew that Irene regrets not picking her in the first place?

Would she forgive Irene and actually try it all over again?

There's so many things running in my head.

I didn't even notice Seulgi staring right through my eyes,

And I can just feel my heart ache a lot -- because something's telling me she used to stare at Irene like this before.

"You blanked out again," She says. "Chemistry?"

I sighed in defeat.

Game over, probably.

I nodded, closing my eyes.

"Yeah."

---

Somehow, we ended up in my room to study Chemistry.

Although my room was messy (I had to get all my stuff out of my bag just to my pen), Seulgi still insisted that we start right away because she 'had to go home early today'.

I had to act like I didn't know what the topic was about, how to get this and that, and the like.

When in fact, I know just the answer to every item in the take-home drill that our teacher gave us.

I didn't want to sound mean, but I've been talking all the time to at least teach Seulgi the parts that she claimed she didn't know, but she kept on typing something on her phone.

She must be texting someone, and for all I know, it's one of the people she's been kissing or going out with.

"Who's that?" I asked in the middle of my lecture, eyeing her device.

Seulgi looked up from her phone's screen, and it was as if she had forgotten where she was as of the moment.

"Oh, this is Kim Jisoo. You know, the underclassman?" She says. "She invited me over for lunch sometime,"

I sighed. "Well, tell her you're studying right now, and you have no time to talk to her."

"Yeah, I'll just finish this conversation and my attention is all yours again."

Of course.

You just had to say that.

And my heartbeat's starting to be abnormal again, but I know it shouldn't be like this; not when you have other people you tell that to.

I want to get some space for a moment; I want to get out of my room, run away, and cry.

Probably by then, when I get home, she's done talking to Jisoo and she's back to asking me questions.

I want to cry, but not here.

I stood up, alarming Seulgi.

"Are you okay?" She asks.

"I have to use the bathroom." I said, dismissing myself. "I'll be back in a moment."

And I went out of my room, tears falling down.

This is so shallow, I hate myself.

The moment I entered my room was the moment I wanted to jump off my window.

Because when I opened the door, Seulgi was still there.

Both her hands were occupied -- but it wasn't by her phone anymore.

On one hand was my wallet, and on the other was the picture that Irene gave me.

The moment she heard me entering my room, and the moment our eyes met, I felt my whole world shatter.

"Where did you get this..?" She asked, her hands trembling. "Do you... Do you know her?"

And I can only swallow the lump in my throat, because I don't even know what to say.

"Do you know this person?" She continued asking, but each time she does, I only get intimidated.

She didn't look mad, but she didn't look happy either.

She looked broken.

And I hate to see the way she looks like right now.

"Does she know you? Do you know anything about her?"

I couldn't keep up with keeping things to myself anymore.

I don't want to be selfish.

I don't want to keep her from the truth.

So I nodded, because that's the only time she stopped asking.

She saw me nod, and by the time she did, a tear rolled from her eye.

She was crying.

"Since when?" She asked. "How did you know her? What are you to her?"

"What are you to her?" I asked back.

Because I want to clear my mind off everything related to this.

Because I don't want to keep hoping -- I don't want to think that Seulgi would actually look at me in that way.

I want to know if she still feels something -- anything -- for Irene.

So that I can shatter in pieces, and in peace.

---

Rejection.

Of course.

That was the reason Seulgi avoided Irene.

That was the reason Seulgi was feeling down for past few weeks.

That was the reason she had been kissing people, telling them she loves them.

She wanted Irene to regret.

"I've heard she broke up with her boyfriend just recently," She said. "I found an opportunity to break her the same way she broke me. I needed to find people who I can hang around with, just so she knows what she lost."

I wanted to ask if I was one of them.

Am I one of the people you used to purposely make Irene feel regret?

Or did you truly love me -- even as a friend? Did you genuinely care, or was it all in my head?

"Irene was my childhood friend." She said. "We have known each other since birth. We know everything about each other."

Just when I think I have known everything about her, that's when I learn about Irene.

"Beautiful, kind, intelligent and elegant. She's Irene," She says, as she stares at the photo again. "I loved her, I always did."

I know I should feel happy, knowing that Irene loves her and Seulgi still loves her.

I should be supporting her, and leading her back to her path to happiness -- to Irene.

But I can't. I couldn't.

Not when these feelings are starting to eat me up.

Not when I'm starting to think that someone actually cares for me -- that someone loves me.

Not when it's Seulgi. Not when it's the person who made me feel all of these.

She looked happy, seeing the picture. But her eyes were telling me that she was still hurt.

"She led me on. But when I confessed to her, she confessed to me that she has someone else in mind. She picked a snobby, rich boy over me.

"And now, now that I know that Irene broke up with him for mistreating her, I could only laugh." She said. "Now, I've had my revenge. I know she sees me with other people, and I only wish every night that she at least regrets everything. That she wants me back.

"Because I'll keep choosing her -- over and over."

The final blow.

Of course.

Irene, she was perfect.

I've only talked to her once, but she seems like she has everything I don't have.

She has everything.

She could give the world to Seulgi if she was asked to.

And all I could offer Seulgi were kisses and hugs and touches and ‘I love you’s; all of those asked just because she seek for comfort and revenge.

And I know that I'm nothing compared to Irene.

Because Irene makes Seulgi happy; I can see it.

From the way Seulgi's eyes lit up when she was talking about their happy moments, and how her heart seemed to break as she started with the bad ones.

I want to keep seeing Seulgi happy.

I had no choice.

"I talked to her,

"She told me she wanted you back."

---

A week passed, and I hadn't seen Irene in the library.

I haven't seen Seulgi with her usual circle of buddies too, and I think it's odd.

I know that Seulgi refused to hang out with those people because she wanted to be faithful to Irene again, but where was the college girl?

"I'm confessing to her," Seulgi said. "... Again. Hopefully I don't get rejected."

I nodded. All I can do was to support her.

"When?"

"Later," A grin. The same smile she used to have back when things were light and beautiful. "She was busy this week, so I know she's at home. I'll give her a call, and tell her to meet me up. I have already bought a bouquet of flowers."

I gave her a shaky thumbs up, and I hope she didn't notice how my hands shook. "That's... Nice."

"Do you think chocolates or a stuffed toy would be better?"

"Seulgi," I sighed. "I don't think a college student would want a stuffed toy."

She chuckled. "Right, right."

"I don't know, why don't you sing her a song?"

Because she had good voice.

And I know that Irene knows that.

Probably.

But as soon as Seulgi had the same glimmer in her eyes again, like the first time she touched me, I soon regretted it.

"You'll have to sing with me, then."

---

The park.

How cliché.

"She'll be here in a few minutes," She says as she hands me the guitar.

Apparently, I won't be just singing -- I also had to play for her.

If only she wasn't my friend, then I would've asked for a talent fee.

"You're lucky I'm this supportive, Kang." I said with all sarcasm.

But then she smiles, and it was the pure, innocent, and genuine one that I couldn't resist.

Like it was enough to light the whole world up, if she had the chance.

"Of course, I am." She says. "I'm lucky to have met a friend like you."

Yes, yes.

I know.

I should've known, that I was a friend all along.

"Well, do you even recall the lyrics?" I asked.

"Of course." She said. "It's for Irene, I won't forget about the lyrics, of course. I wouldn't want to mess up now, would I?"

Well, I would want to mess it up, for a change.

But no, of course I'm not that heartless to embarrass you in front of her.

Not when you're finally having your way back to her.

Not when we're so sure that you're going to end up with her.

From a distance, a familiar looking girl -- who was all too familiar for Seulgi -- was approaching us.

I thought at first glance that it was finally Irene.

But no, she wasn't.

Instead, a younger-looking version of her appeared.

"Seulgi," She said, the corner of her lips curving upwards into a smile. "Long time no talk?"

Seulgi laughed. "Yeah, hi."

The girl's eyes went to see the bouquet on Seulgi's hands. "Oh, who are those for?"

"Someone," Seulgi winked, and I swear I wanted to hate Seulgi.

Weren't you supposed to be confessing to someone today?

Why the Hell do you have the guts to flirt with this?

Why do I have to get hurt twice today?

As if Seulgi winking at the girl wasn't enough to cause me pain, the girl leaned in and pecked Seulgi on the lips.

This er.

"Well, see you around." She says, as she pecks Seulgi again.

I want to stab her, and get her out of my sight.

Couldn't this girl get a hint?

Didn't she know those flowers meant?

But that wasn't the thing that made my blood boil.

Seulgi kissed back.

I saw it.

It didn't have to take a genius to know that Seulgi indeed kissed her back.

But karma was fast, and karma was everywhere.

For Irene appeared, when Jisoo was starting to walk away.

---

A slap.

I love Seulgi, but she really deserved it.

Irene slapped Seulgi, and for the second time, Seulgi was rejected by the woman she loves the most.

"I'm an idiot," She said.

"You are." I said in monotone.

I have nothing to hold on to, to even tell her that it was alright.

It was wrong. It was so wrong.

"You had the chance, Seulgi." I sighed. "Well, that's unless you really want her bac--"

"I do!" She answered. Immediately. Persuasively. "I do want her back. But I'm an idiot! I wasted my chance, Seungwan!"

I pinched the bridge of my nose, wanting to stop the headache I feel was about to come.

"Well," I started. "For one, you're really an idiot. It's old news."

Seulgi groaned, putting her head down on my desk.

It was lunch break, and the room was almost empty.

"I just... Ugh, and here I thought I could count on you to make me feel better."

I shrugged.

I can't tell her that it was okay, because she ed up real bad.

If I was Irene, I would've slapped her as well.

I only stared at her as she stared back at me, and it was the longest time I had stared at her.

I want to get used to staring at her without flinching, nor feeling awkward.

I stared at her, as she stared at me, but those eyes always holds something that tells me -- pushes me -- to do something.

Hypnotizing.

Alluring.

Persuasive.

And like her eyes, her voice were all of those as she whispered quietly,

"Hug me."

And I find myself doing what she had asked.

---

"I-Irene unnie!" I called out once I reached the cafe.

She was on her usual table, with earphones on, but surprisingly, she looked up.

I rushed to her table and sat on the opposite seat from where she sat, hoping that she doesn't find it rude (even though it was).

She stared at me, as if waiting for me to continue talking.

So I did.

"Unnie..." I said quietly. "I came here on behalf of Seulgi...

"I-I know it's too late... But please know that she didn't mean to do what happened yesterday. I know Seulgi, and I know that it wasn't her intention to do that. She loves you very much so please--"

She cleared . "So, why wasn't she the one apologizing? Did she talk you into to do this for her? Or perhaps,

"Did she you?"

Well...

As much as I wanted to deny it, and as much as I know that it was so, so wrong,

I have to keep my mouth shut.

I shouldn't rat out Seulgi like that.

I know that if I expose her... I might not be able to experience it again.

Seulgi will hate me if I tell unnie the truth.

And I want her to get back together with her -- because she loves her.

Even if questions such as 'if she really wanted to redeem herself to Irene, shouldn't she be doing this?', 'was she seeking comfort from me again?', and 'would she regret this?' came into my mind.

But I still chose to believe that Seulgi really wanted to be with Irene.

And so here I am, as promised, that I will get them back together.

"She didn't." I said. "She said she just didn't have the face to show to you after everything that has happened. She asked me to see if you were mad, so that she knows when she would try again."

Irene sighed.

By now, I'm wondering as to why she could hear me even if she had earphones on.

I was an idiot for believing this front, for when I followed the end of the earphones, it wasn't connected to any device.

Looks like she was purposely avoiding any social interaction today.

"I'm not mad at Seulgi," she explains. "I'm just mad at what she did. If she wanted me, then shouldn't it just be me?"

I pity her. I pity the both of them, for this was slowly being ruined.

With all my attempts to try to lighten up the mood, I said, "Don't you think it was just a good bye kiss for one of her flings, since she'll be starting to be loyal to you now?"

She forced out a chuckle. "Yeah, that must be it."

And I watch as her smile unscrews into the thin line she had been sporting ever since I went into this cafe.

She's hurt.

Almost as hurt as I am, for being constantly used for Seulgi's own convenience.

"If ever, I want Seulgi to be the one talking to me. Because I want to hear how sincere she is."

I nodded, understanding her point. Of course, I'm not powerful enough to convince Irene into getting back with Seulgi.

She's probably seen me hanging out with Seulgi before, that she doubts me this much.

Even to the point of asking me if Seulgi had done things to me to make me apologize for her.

But it was Seulgi's fault after all; she had done things that made Irene lose hope.

Though to be fair, Irene was partly at fault to.

Had she not rejected Seulgi in the first place, Seulgi wouldn't have been like this.

Seulgi wouldn't have had the need to seek for comfort.

She wouldn't have had involved a lot of people in this mess, to the point that she had to play with their emotions for the sake of feeling better. For the sake of making you feel jealous.

And well,

She wouldn't have used me.

Although I knew from the start that I will never be Seulgi's, I was still willing to give her what I have. What she wants. What she claims to need.

Maybe it was everyone's fault, that all the decisions we have made led us to this kind of circumstances.

But all the same, I knew that Seulgi was meant for Irene, and not for me; as Irene is, to Seulgi.

"I hope you two make up..." I smiled. "I... I want you for Seulgi. You are her happiness, and everything."

This time, I know it hurts less.

I have accepted my fate.

This eternal unrequited love.

---

Another week passed, and all I can do is to be back as Seulgi's supportive best friend from freshman year.

I've heard that they made up.

And I'm happy for them.

For real.

Though I admit that it hurts me to see Seulgi be so happy like that, I can't be selfish.

I can't keep her to myself for my own happiness, if I'm not the one who she truly wants.

Seulgi said she would continue courting Irene; this time, Irene made sure she won't be giving herself so easily, but she assured Seulgi that she will give her the answer they both had been waiting for, at the right time.

All the people Seulgi was associated with started to disappear, and I haven't heard from them ever since.

Turns out, Seulgi personally apologized to them, and admitted that she had used them.

I wonder if she had considered me as someone she had used.

Seulgi was answering the questionnaire I had made for her for Chemistry.

She looked so focused, and I pledged to myself to help her be more serious with her studies.

It feels good to see her back to her normal self.

I didn't notice that she had dropped her pen and scooted over to where I sat in my room.

Unexpectedly, she gave me a kiss.

She looked sorry, and I'm guessing this is the part where she apologizes and says good bye to this kind of past.

"You taste like jealousy," She said. She snickered when she saw me sigh. "Please, Seungwan. I ask one last thing from you."

And although I know that this is the last thing that would make me feel hurt, I knew I had to hear it.

Maybe with this, I can live in peace, and have my thoughts cleared out.

Maybe I'll need this to move on.

"I really enjoyed being your friend. And I think you have caught up that I used you in some point, and I was a jerk for doing that.

"I'd understand if you would leave me like everyone did, because what I did to you was unacceptable; you didn't deserve to be treated like that. No one does. You were so kind to me, and I abused that.

"But if in case you're willing to still accept me as your friend... Then I'm more than thankful."

I patted her head.

"I didn't need a good bye kiss," I said. "But it's alright. I forgive you."

And maybe despite my good grades, I was the stupid one here.

That because of these poisoning emotions, I keep giving Seulgi a chance.

A second chance to fix us.

That I never cared about myself; I was more than willing to hurt myself just to see Seulgi be okay.

But I hugged her nonetheless.

Even if she didn't ask for it.

Because I know she won't need this anymore, so for the last time...

I'm sending her all the love I have for her left inside of me.

That maybe with the closeness of our body, I can have the closure I could never dare to ask.

"But Seungwan..?" She continued, making me let go of her.

She took my hands in hers, and look at me in the eye.

And only one thing ran in my mind:

'Break me now.'

With a smile, she said,

"If you're going to fall in love with someone soon, please don't let it be me."

And all I can do was to smile back, because I cannot give her the certainty that I'll be able to grant that.

[A/N: YEEEES I want you all to hate Seulgi on this one. Let's see what your opinions are about the characters, and who are y'all siding with or something in the comment section. Sorry if the story seemed rushed lol. Started today, ended today ^^ Peace out, yo.]