“I’m not good enough.”
“Why do you say that? Of course you are.”
“… If I were, I wouldn’t be feeling this way.” With you.
(But that doesn’t matter.)

*
Yoona thinks about breaking up with Changmin. She thinks about it when Victoria tells her she still has feelings for him even though she knows they’re together and that she loves him mind, body and soul. Yoona thinks about it the whole night she sleeps in her car after driving around the city to blow off steam. She thinks about it when she comes back and slaps Victoria soundly on the cheek, crying her heart out while the older woman stared sadly. She thinks about it when she points out that Changmin has been on her dresser, her mirror, her desk, her wallet, her phone, her mind, her heart for years (and years and years; even before and when there was Changmin-and-Victoria or Changmin-and-Sooyoung or Changmin-and-BoA)—

She thinks about breaking up with Changmin because maybe he should be with Victoria (or Sooyoung or BoA) instead of her.

Maybe.

*
She watches Junsu and Taeyeon get married and she cries during the ceremony but it’s not for a good reason at all. The tears are there because she's jealous. So jealous because she’s sure they could make it. Her and Changmin. They could. They could have what Junsu and Taeyeon have, if only they held on tighter. And so for a moment, she decides that breaking up with Changmin is isn’t what she wants to do. That it’s not a good idea, because she loves him too much to let him go and she’s willing to tough it out for even longer.

But then they dance, and he tells her he kissed Victoria. Again. And Yoona thinks that breaking up with Changmin is the epiphany she’d been waiting to have since the very beginning of their relationship.

Because it's all the same.  He’ll keep her heart in his pocket until his perfect girl comes around again and then it’ll be over. It’s all the same.

“I’m never going to be number one, am I?”
“You are—it was a mistake. It didn’t mean anyth—”
“A kiss always means something.”

*
Yoona cries ugly tears in the back room. She breaks down and thrashes around while he stands motionless behind. She tells him she's not mad, and it's true. She's not mad, she's crushed. Because that boy that claims to love her that much, doesn't seem to know her at all. The last time they broke up she was mad. Because it was his fault – he had cheated on her with her friend. But now she's just mad at herself. Because this time, she thinks, it's all her fault. That maybe she pushed him towards Victoria for being too busy, too needy, too Yoona.

But it's only a maybe.

A girl can't live with so many ‘maybes’ in her life, and she’s already had enough to last her until – well, ever. She can't live wondering if every night when Changmin says he has to work over time, he may be cheating on her or that every time she doesn't see Victoria at practice she might be with him. She wants the facts. She wants Changmin to show her (and the world) how much he loves her. She wants Victoria to stay the hell away from her boyfriend.

She wants to tell him, to show him that they can be so much more – that maybe they could be what Junsu and Taeyeon are now: together, bound for life and happy. In love.

*
So she goes to his house. And when she opens the door she sees Victoria.

And that's a fact.

Victoria leaves when she sees her waiting by the door and ducks her head (she says ‘sorry’ under her breath and it drives the knife in her chest a little deeper). But Yoona knows she's going to come back. It's a fact neither of them (all three of them) can deny. So she breaks up with Changmin. And somehow she can almost hear the cracks of her heart breaking when she does. He looks at her with those eyes when she finishes her piece, begging her not to leave—

But he doesn't say it, and it infuriates (kills) her because he might never will.

She decides right then that she doesn't want just showing anymore; she wants words spoken out loud and ringing in her ears – words spoken in front of her and Victoria and anyone else who would care to listen. Three words, eight letters.

He says ‘sorry’ and it hurts more than the “Let’s break up” she’d just told him because it feels like he might actually think it’s for the best too.

He says ‘sorry’. And that’s all he says until the door clicked shut behind her.

*
“I’m not good enough.”
(No one answers.)

*
Changmin calls everyday after the wedding.

He calls her over at Jessica’s and stuns her with his voice ringing through the silence in her room. She doesn't pick up; Yoona doesn't pick up, so the answering machine answers for her. He leaves a message everyday.

*
“Baby, I’m sorry… Yoona… please, just let me explain.”

On Monday he apologizes. He begs. She swears to herself thinking that she heard him sob at one point, but then he hangs up before she could reach out and pick up.

*
“I read something from a man named Lawrence Block… ’Serendipity. Look for something, find something else, and realize that what you've found is more suited to your needs than what you thought you were looking for.’ It made me think of that the movie you made me watch…”

On Tuesday he starts quoting authors Yoona pretends not to know. He says he needs her back. That she's his ‘fate’ – his ‘fortunate accident’ but she knows he got that from Serendipity and she giggles to herself because she