I hate it when you’re being stubborn. When you’d refuse to listen and all I had were words to offer an explanation. When it tears us apart because all we do is disagree on the things we’d like to agree on.

 

“But you’re not listening, Baek!” I shout in frustration, hands all up in my hair with a crazy look in my eyes, so strong it would’ve distracted anyone from noticing the big, fat tears pooling.

 

 

____________

 

 

 

We were talking about exploring choices and how I thought about living in another country because all I wanted to do was to open my eyes up to the world and open my mind up to other possibilities unexplored. It started off as harmless talk, giggling about the future with my lying on your chest, our eyes glazing over constellations while we felt the green grass beneath our skin.

 

Just because I wanted to check out new options and live life a little vicariously, I talked about attending university somewhere else, or moving to the countryside for the summer, or going somewhere else with you. 

 

I knew you’d tuned out after the first option I snuck out of my mind, because that was when something snapped, and I knew you couldn’t stand the thought of me being away from you when all you’ve ever known was having me beside you.

 

You sat up from the grass and stare down at me, fury and confusion reflected through your eyes. Brows furrowed with an expression screaming distressed, you started.

 

“All you ever care about is you - have you thought about how I’d feel? What about us? Our plans together? Do you know what you sound like right now?!”

 

“Baek I was just saying because I thought-”

 

“Oh you’d love to stay away from me wouldn’t you?”

 

And there goes your snarky mouth. It was as if you needed to protect yourself from something, some words, maybe someone. But you were always that way. You’d shield your heart before letting anyone in; build a wall with words you didn’t mean, yet time and again I’d always fail to stop the disappointment from sinking in.

 

“You know it isn’t like that - it’s not like I’d have to be alone, it’s just an option, you could come with me, we could see the world and more, but nothing’s set in stone yet and-“

 

“Why would you even- I just don’t understand, everything’s fine the way it is now and I know you’d want to go around but do you have to leave? It’s like you want to get away from me, from your life, from everything here or something!”

 

“Maybe I do.” I said, as soft as a whisper, the settling of disappointment in my heart and the bitterness of your words lingering in my mouth instead of yours.

 

You stood and upright I sat, the betrayal in your eyes not stronger than the betrayal in my heart, to me from my own words. Tears well up in both our eyes and I was reminded of how we were tied together by our feelings, of which we’d so easily influence the other to develop.

 

“So in the end you’d throw away everything we have just to ‘see the world’?” You managed to form. Your fists were curling and your body language screamed that you’d love to be anywhere but here with me. And in the air was the dense, unsettling feeling of unhappiness that we promised not to feel when we started writing our story.

 

“But you’re not listening, Baek!” I shout in frustration, hands all up in my hair with a crazy look in my eyes, so strong it would’ve distracted anyone from noticing the big, fat tears pooling.

 

“Sure I’ll be gone, looking at new sights, studying new things, meeting new people and growing a pair of wings but you know I’ll never leave with my heart with me!” I spoke in frustration, letting my arms fall limp beside me as I look up into your eyes that lacked conviction.

 

The moon was glistening and we were sweating from the tension of the conversation. What a beautiful night for a not-so beautiful paragraph.

 

“Baby you have to understand nothing is right or wrong, and nothing cannot be changed. You’d always be welcomed to come with me if it ever happens, but I won’t stop myself from doing what I want to do. I have respected your decisions and I hope in the near future you’d nod your head for mine to.”

 

I got onto my feet and cupped his face with my hand, both of us still looking into each other’s eyes, both of us still uncertain of the future, as near as the end of this conversation.

 

“I just want you to listen and understand that I’m not throwing anything away, I’m merely moving forward as an individual, and I’ll always be moving with you.”

 

“But you’d move on with life, and I won’t be in it, and maybe you’d find yourself to be happier, and maybe I’d love for you to be happier in that manner and I just..” His eyes dart across the grass through our feet and to my arm as he struggles to find the words to continue. Sure he’s stubborn and he may say things in the heat of the moment but fact is, he worries way too much to be free of the habits he’s built. 

 

And as he brought his eyes to meet mine once again, I figure that he’s lost and afraid, and that’s the most human reaction that I can’t help but feel my chest tighten in pain as I see how much this episode is straining not only him, but also me.

 

“Maybe I’ll be happier, maybe I won’t, but we’ll figure this out together, just like we always do.” Reassurance settles in both our souls as he takes a step closer towards me, bringing my hand down and locking them with his. 

 

“And we’ll walk through everything together, just like we always do.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_____________________________________________________

:)

 

Image from baekhyunsama on tumblr: http://baekhyunsama.tumblr.com/post/159737457884 (I love this edit!)