Seungyoon had stayed locked in his studio for more than a week and no one was able to get through it. They had agreed they would leave him alone as it might be the best for him but they were worried he wasn’t even eating properly or even bathing properly. They had hoped that maybe Seungyoon had gotten loss in his Nintendo games and lost track of time. Seungyoon had always been the most talkative, well when they were outside and maybe that was because he was the leader. But Seungyoon really did love talking and spreading joy to those around him. This time no mattered how much the boys had tried to call him on the phone or text him he wouldn’t answer. He had even cancelled a broadcast appearance and no one had any idea of what was happening to him. They weren’t use to seeing their leaders like that. Before they did a lot but could it really be him pouting over being teased? “It’s the stress” Jinwoo said, him who was usually the less talkative. They had sat together trying to find solutions to cheer Seungyoon up. “You’ve known him the longest and games seems to not be working what can be done?” Mino asked Jinwoo. “I miss his nagging and his loud noises” Seunghoon exasperatedly  said slumping in his chair, 

Seungyoon was seating uncomfortably in the studio listening over and over to the song he was composing. He felt gloomy although they were finally given the opportunity to comeback again. He was feeling more insecure than he had ever been in his life and was doubting his own leadership. He had even been thinking of giving back the leadership to Mino or maybe Seunghoon would be a better choice. He was doubting his composing skills has YG had already told him that he should focus on performing rather than composing. He was worried over his looks as he has never felt as good looking as the others but what was stressing him out even more, what had made his hands trembled was probably the departure of a member. He didn’t show how much it had hurt him like Jinwoo had done or even like Mino but it had been a huge hit to him. And all these doubts and frigates of disbanding with only so little years of group activity had made him weak and lowered his moral like never before. As a leader he had fought so much for them to stay together but unfortunelty their paths had been full of obstacles and some events were unstoppable. He felt guilty he felt like he was a fool and these thoughts refused to leave his head alone. He was eaten by an unexplainable anxiety and feeling of impeding doom but he couldn’t let himself give up no matter how hard he tried.  He had read online that people were saying he was the cause of their member’s departure and that he didn’t try enough, that he was too greedy. Each of these comments were like a dagger that was twisting inside of him. It did not add to the fact that he did think that his remaining members hate him, maybe them too were blaming him? maybe they hated having a leader younger than them? each of these thoughts also made him unable to fall asleep at night. Even the praises seemed like it was praises of sympathy. He had doubts about himself right now, locking himself up and cutting any form of communications. Was that a behaviour a leader should have? 

He knew he didn’t show emotions enough and the only emotions he allowed was the ones of happiness but everything had started to pile inside of him until he started to suffocate in his body. Attack by small viruses that started to make his body convulse when he was out of sight. ‘I can do this’ he told himself yet still being unable to stand up from where he was sitting. Legs paralyzed and unable to support his weight. The light were bright on his face. He wanted the most light as possible, maybe it was his own illusions to not succumb to darkness. Even Jinwoo stayed in the dark when he had his lows. But Seungyoon insisted that they should both faced the light. So why was his eyes closed unable to look at the light? 

“Seungyoon-ah can I come in?” Jinwoo’s faint voice was heard through the door. The door finally opened for the first time and Jinwoo went in. The room was bright, even brighter than the whole house, it was as bright as Seungyoon. But this time Seungyoon’s light was only faintly radiating like the last rays of sunshine before dawn as he was coughing in a corner of the room. “Seungyoon let’s go take a bath okay?” Jinwoo said approaching him and helping him to stand up. Seungyoon only nodded and followed him out of the studio. Seungyoon’s senses started to tingle as the fresh and warm odour of many dishes started to envelop him. “Seunghoon is cooking something good for you” Jinwoo said smiling arriving to the clean bathroom that had warm water already filled and white lotus flower floating on top. “Did you know that you could have vanilla latte odours for bath? it’s smell like the original but don’t worry we also have your favourite drinks for later” Jinwoo continued helping him undress. Jinwoo had never seen Seungyoon looking so small as he let himself be washed completely by his elder. “I miss your heavenly smile Seungyoon, so why don’t you smile again?” Jinwoo said kindly rinsing his back. 

It was Mino that had picked some nice comfortable clothes for him and had brushed his hair walking him to his spot on the table. “You are looking all handsome “ Mino told him fixing a strand of his hair. Seungyoon had wanted to say something but he didn’t and only sat down. 

Seunghoon had made food that was sure to give him all the nutrients he needed in his body and even fed Seungyoon himself. “You haven’t eaten enough so eat more” he kept saying. Seunghoon had even made a vanilla latte on his own for him. But Seungyoon had stayed silent except for small puff of thank yous that were mix with something that was hard to describe. 

They had decide to just put Seungyoon to bed and leave for the night but Seungyoon surprised them by saying “stay”.

That’s how all four of them were laying lock on each other and mostly around Seungyoon that was aching to say something. it was Mino that talked first “You know….it’s fine to cry sometimes, no matter if you are a leader or not”. Jinwoo whose eyes were already watering let out a muffled sob “We are so worried for you”. And Seunghoon that didn’t usually liked physical contacts held him even tighter “We love you so much please don’t close up to us”.

Seungyoon cleared his throat overwhelmed by all of them “you know…I wanted to make a song that made everyone happy…because I wanted to also be happy, maybe if I made people happy we would be happy too…that’s what I told myself, but how can I make people happy  if myself I can’t find happiness” Seungyoon said broking down in heavy sobs and the boys knew how much he had held on unto them. How much he had suppress each and every one of his sorrows for their sakes and their careers. “I feel like everything is my fault and I’m not good enough, that I’m not trying hard enough for each of you” Seungyoon cried out unable to stopped the heavy rivers from his eyes. Jinwoo patted his head “You are enough, it’s us, it’s the world that doesn’t deserve you” . The best thing that the boys had ever wished for was a leader as caring for each and everyone of them was Seungyoon. They wanted his rays that were often blinding to be back in their lives. The silence filled with small and hard sobs were an understandable silence that each and everyone of them understood, the thank yous and the sorrys. Between patting Seungyoon's head, enterlacing their fingers in his or just softly kissing his cheeks. They needed no words anymore. They had a relationship hard to put into words but they all loved each other very much, it was different from romance and even deeper than friendship. They were four now, but not weaker. In fact they were even more bonded and stronger than before. 

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I didn't edit at all sorry :(

I suddenly felt like writibg this last night before sleeping :) I haven't had a lot of inspiration lately and this suddenly came to my mind ^^

Also there is still so much feelings missing in that small part that would have been nice to share too :)

This may look like an incomplete story too I'm sorry :(