Hyungwon stares over at the other side of the bed, noting how his fingers desperately bury themselves into the sheets. He quickly snatches his hand away, clearing his throat and mind as he returns his gaze to the journal in his lap. The counselor told him he should write in it whenever he has the chance about whatever he wants, but to be honest anything he writes down sounds like a lovelorn middle schooler’s scribblings. It's extremely aggravating, because lovelorn is the last thing he is. 

I still reach out for you at night, even though I know you won't be there.

He sighs and snaps the book closed. He sets it on his nightstand and lies down on his side, curling up underneath the covers. He squeezes his eyes shut, his hand sneaking over to the other side of the bed once more. He allows it to remain there this time, though. No harm in it while he sleeps, after all. Maybe it'll help them meet in his dreams… 

“Hyungwonnie?” 

Hyungwon stirs in his sleep a bit, absolutely refusing to open his eyes. A familiar hand shakes his shoulder. He grumbles at the touch, not wanting to be awake. Not today. 

“Chae Hyungwon!” his hyung’s voice yells at him, sounding like it's coming from a different room. There's a sigh above him, and the first voice speaks again. 

“Come on, Hyungwon-ah,” it tells him tiredly. “If you don't get up now, we're going to be late.” Hyungwon turns, cracking his eyes open to see one of his roommates, Minhyuk, standing over him. Bags line his bottom lids, and his eyes are red and puffy. He's been crying. Of course he has. 

“I'm up, hyung,” Hyungwon mumbles, rubbing at his eyes as he sits up. Minhyuk nods, sniffling as he turns away. 

“Kihyunnie made breakfast,” Minhyuk tells him over his shoulder. “Come and eat before you shower, so it doesn't get cold.” Hyungwon nods, turning to shove his glasses onto his face as he throws the covers back. An odd fog fills his head, and he stumbles a moment as he stands. He feels a steadying pair of hands on his waist, painstakingly familiar. He whirls around, his breath catching in his throat.

Tears threaten to fall immediately at seeing no one is there, but he forces them down. He refuses to cry today. He's cried enough for the past two weeks. He's done crying. 

The entire meal is silent. Not even Kihyun can bring himself to nag anyone into a sunnier mood, which honestly would've been pretty welcome at this point. As Hyungwon stands from the table after forcing himself to eat the food despite his lack of hunger, there's a knock at the door. Minhyuk goes to answer, and the others come into the apartment. 

Changkyun is the first to approach Hyungwon. The youngest of them all wraps his arms around the tallest with a surprising amount of strength, burying his face into the older’s pajama shirt. Hyungwon numbly pats his back, and pulls away. He offers a halfhearted smile to his friends, and drifts off towards the bathroom, his feet feeling as heavy as lead. The others watch him go, sadness and sympathy in their eyes. 

“How's he been?” Jooheon murmurs, sitting down at the table. Minhyuk goes and wraps his arms around the younger from behind, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Jooheon leans back against his hyung, grasping tightly onto his arms. 

"Better than he was,” Minhyuk murmurs, “but he's still far from fine.” He pauses before adding, “Though I don’t know if he'll ever be fine again.”

“Can't really blame him,” Kihyun adds. He begins picking up the plates and putting them into the sink. Changkyun moves towards him, hugging the older, needing human contact. Kihyun bites back a sigh, setting the last of the dishes down and pulling the younger against him. He feels his shirt become moist, and notes Changkyun's shaking shoulders. 

“I-I’m so... I c-can’t,” Changkyun murmurs, his words coming out in a painstaking gasp. Kihyun runs a hand up and down his boyfriend’s back, the other reaching up to run his fingers through the younger’s hair. 

“I know,” Kihyun whispers, understanding immediately what he's trying to say. The others watch as their beloved youngest breaks down, fighting hard to keep themselves from crying as well. They had to be strong today. They’ll cry later, in their own homes, when all this is over… if it's ever over. 

Hyungwon stands in the shower, letting the warm water rush over his . He leans forward, resting his hands against the wall to support himself. His hair sticks to his forehead, his bangs obscuring his vision. He should really get a haircut, he realizes. If only he'd have noticed before today. He wants to look his absolute best today, and now his stupid hair has ruined that. 

He sighs, and quickly finishes up in the bathroom. He makes his way to his bedroom and towel-dries his hair before getting dressed. Luckily his suit is ironed, he thinks. At least it'll make up for his awful hair.

“Hyungwon-ah?” Minhyuk’s voice calls through his closed door, sounding a bit more gentle than before. Loathing suddenly fills him. He doesn't want his friends’ sympathy. Not today, not ever. “We need to leave. Are you ready?” Hyungwon can only hum before going to open the door. His fingers twitch at seeing the sympathetic light in the older’s eyes, feeling the undeniable urge to slap it out of him. He restrains himself, though. Minhyuk sets a consoling hand on the younger’s shoulder, and then turns to head to the door. Hyungwon glances back at his room, his eyes hovering over the other side of the bed one last time, and leaves. 

The car ride is quiet. Not even the engine dares make a sound. Hyungwon notices with detached interest that the blinker seems to be set on silent as well, the light coming on to signify the turn but without the typical click. He turns his gaze to the passing scenery, watching as leaves drift down in the breeze from the trees lining the streets. His gaze flicks up to the sky, blinking at seeing how cloudy it is. 

He tears his eyes away, absentmindedly beginning to fiddle with his hair. Kihyun notices the action, and offers a supportive smile. 

“You look very handsome today,” he tells the younger softly, sounding a bit too motherly for Hyungwon's taste. “I know he would've—”

“I need a haircut,” Hyungwon mumbles thickly, not wanting to hear how that sentence was going to end. Kihyun blinks, surprised at being interrupted, but quickly recovers. He gives a half shrug, tapping his fingers against his knee. 

“I can make an appointment for you,” Kihyun offers. Hyungwon gives a noncommittal hum, resisting the urge to snap at him. He doesn't need to be babied, though he knows Kihyun doesn't mean anything by it. It's just how he is. 

Hyungwon physically jolts, feeling a hand on his shoulder. He glances around surprisedly, his heart beating a million miles a second. Kihyun's eyes squint questioningly at him, worried about the younger's behavior. He doesn't say anything, though, thinking it best not to press Hyungwon into anything today. 

They reach their destination and get out of the car, all seeming to circle Hyungwon. They move towards the front of the crowd, halting upon reaching the hole in the ground. Hyungwon takes in the sheer amount of people here, resentful. None of these people truly knew him. They liked to think they did, but they didn't ever bother to even try. They don’t deserve to be here today. They have no right to mourn him, not when they only knew his public image. 

The ceremony goes on without a problem. It all feels distant for Hyungwon. He can't even tell if he's really there, or if all this is just some terrible nightmare. He's drifting, and there's nothing here to ground him anymore. 

He jumps at a hand being set on his shoulder, looking to his side to see Hyunwoo smiling down at him gently. He breaks away from the older’s gaze, only to see everyone staring at him with a disgustingly pitying look. He scoffs, separating himself from the older. 

“Don't look at me like that,” he tells them, glaring down at the ground. He stares with such force he worries it may bore holes into the wood. The box is lowered into the hole, slowly but surely. The pastor gestures towards the pile of dirt beside the hole, and Hyungwon instinctively grabs a handful of it and tosses it in. 

"Sorry, Hyungwonnie,” Minhyuk murmurs. The tone in his voice causes Hyungwon's aggravation to spike. He isn't some wounded animal. They don't need to use such a soft tone with him. 

“Don't talk to me like that,” he spits, his voice coming out much louder than intended. He looks over at his friends once more, taking a sort of pride in their shocked expressions. He knows this is awful of him, but he can't help it. They've been treating him like a fragile piece of glass for weeks, ever since it happened. It ends now. He can't take it anymore. 

"I'm grieving,” he continues, taking a breath to calm himself. “Don't treat me like a child, when all I'm doing is going through the normal process of dealing with what's happened. The love of my life—” He has to stop, choking back a sob that's suddenly forced it's way up his throat. Tears blur his vision. His heart stutters in his chest in all the worst ways. He looks away, breathing deeply before continuing, though it doesn't help. The tears roll down his cheeks.

"Wonnie," Minhyuk begins, and Hyungwon can almost feel the older take a step towards him. 

“Don't call me that!” Hyungwon shouts. It becomes hard to breathe, his love’s voice suddenly bombarding his ears with every time he called him by the nickname. He presses his hands to his ears, shaking his head. 

“Hyungwon-ah,” Kihyun interjects, his tone wary, “we know you're hurting, but—”

"I'm not hurting,” Hyungwon says, “I'm more than hurting. Hoseok is dead. He's not coming back. All our plans are gone. We won't be moving in together into a nice house, we won't make each other sick with our awful cooking, we won't take drives along the country roads anymore, we…” Hyungwon's voice drifts off. He realizes he's on his knees, his hands pressed against his eyes in an effort to stop the tears. 

It feels as if his heart has completely disappeared, leaving him cold and empty. All he can feel is pain and loss, hatred and anger. Why did this have to happen to them? What did they ever do to deserve such a cruel fate? How is he supposed to go on without Hoseok? How is he supposed to live on? 

Hyungwon feels Minhyuk's arms wrap around him tightly from behind. He relaxes into the older’s touch, crying against his chest. He lets loose a scream, clawing at his friend’s shirt. All Minhyuk does is hold him, rocking them back and forth slightly. Next thing he knows, everyone is surrounding them. They all wrap their arms around Hyungwon tightly, surrounding him with their love. 

Hyungwon peers through the gaps between their arms towards the open grave, staring down at Hoseok's coffin. A breeze blows through the air, and he glances up. Hyungwon gasps sharply at what he sees, though no one else notices, it sounding too much like all his other hiccuping breaths for them to.  

Hoseok stands at the mouth of his own grave, hands in his pockets and an adoring smile on his face. He stares into Hyungwon's eyes, telling him silently that everything will be alright. 

I'll never leave you, not really, he seems to say. Live your life, be happy. I'll always be by your side. I love you, my dear Wonnie.

Hyungwon blinks, and Hoseok's gone. Again. 

Hyungwon screams again, a guttural sound that echoes throughout the empty cemetery. His friends tighten their collective hold on him, telling him they'll never let go.