AN: So I've been busy with my new fic but I've finally managed to finish this one yay!

Again this is story was inspired by a song so you should listen to it while reading ^^

Months had passed since that dreadful night that made Taeyong realize how utterly blind and foolish he has been for the past years. If only he was smart enough and paid more attention; if he only opened his eyes and see what was there before him, then he would’ve probably realized what he felt for the younger before it was too late. Maybe he wouldn’t have caused Jaehyun pain and there would be no need for him to suffer right now.

But no that wasn’t the case, Taeyong’s an idiot and he knows it. He has everything right under his nose, but he didn’t even notice it until it was gone.

Everyone knows what the leader is going through. Unlike Jaehyun, his illness didn’t become a secret to the group. They’re all worried for him and asked him to go through with the operation countless times before and just get rid of all that ties him with his mysterious lover once and for all, but he was stubborn.

Despite knowing about his situation, no one knows who the person behind it is. Some have their guesses but nothing’s confirmed.

“You do know that punishing yourself won’t bring back his feelings for you right?” Ten asked him once after having an attack.

What the Thai lad told him was true and even Taeyong agrees, but for him, things are easier said than done. It wasn’t that easy to let go...

Guilt. A part of him knows that he’s doing all these things because he felt guilty. He caused Jaehyun all these pain, while he was living comfortably Jaehyun was in misery. But another reason is because for him, going through the hell that Jaehyun went through before is the only thing keeping him somewhat closer to the younger, especially since he has been nothing but cold and distant towards Taeyong. They may seem close on stage but it’s a different story once they get off. It’s actually surprising how no one caught on it yet, or maybe they’re just trying to keep out or just turning a blind eye.

“Have you ever thought that maybe you’ve already fallen out of love with her, but the reason you can’t move on is because you’re still in love with your feelings for her?” he remembered Yuta asking him a week ago after practice. They were preparing for their performance at the upcoming Mnet Asia Music Awards. The others went home early while the two decided to stay behind to practice and polish some parts.

“What do you mean?” Taeyong doesn’t fully understand what the Japanese guy was saying. “And just you know it’s him not her.”

“You fell in love with a dude?!” Yuta was surprised, not that he’s judging Taeyong, he’s totally cool with him liking guys; he just didn’t see it coming. “Maybe you’re just confused right now. Maybe you did love this person once but you can’t let go of whatever you felt for him that’s why you couldn’t let him go as well.” Yuta explained once he’s snapped out of his shock.

“So what are you saying, that what I’m feeling for him isn’t true at all?”

“Not really… I mean at some point maybe it was real, but right now you’re too hurt by the fact that he doesn’t love you back and you’re blinded by all of your feelings that you couldn’t see or even realize that what you’re doing, hanging on and waiting for something that would unlikely happen, isn’t for the best!”

Taeyong was silent after Yuta’s sudden outburst. He can’t help but think, what if Yuta’s right?

“Go through with the operation and move on from him. I know how persistent and determined you are, but you have to learn when to give up.” Yuta said before walking out on him.

NCT 127 was given the ‘Best New Male Artist’ award and everyone was ecstatic and emotional at the same time, even Taeyong couldn’t stop his tears as he gives his acceptance speech.  s were all comforting him including Jaehyun who unexpectedly pat him on the shoulders, but it wasn’t enough. When their name was called and Doyoung gave him a hug, he couldn’t help but wish it was Jaehyun’s arms wrapped around him. Back when they were still trainees both he and Jaehyun promised to debut and do everything together. Now they’re in Hong Kong, their dreams finally coming true. He and Jaehyun are both on stage receiving this prestigious award with the latter just a few steps from him yet Taeyong still feels that the younger was out of his reach.

After winning the rookie award at the MAMAs, the ­members were given a chance to have a small feast at their dorm. Everyone was gathered in the small dining area and was having a good time. When the clock strikes ten the younger members were asked to go to bed while the older ones decided to stay up some more. It was definitely a good night for everyone.

When the celebration ended, both Taeil and Taeyong were left after they volunteered to do the dishes. Taeyong snickered as he heard Yuta’s constant knocking on the bathroom door while begging Ten to hurry up.

“You know,” Taeil suddenly spoke. “You’re making things more difficult, not just for you, but also for him.”

Taeyong looked at the elder questioningly and Taeil just let out a small chuckle.

“I think you’ve forgotten I’m the oldest one in this group,” Taeil teasingly answered. “It’s my job to look out for all my dongsaengs and that includes you leader-nim. I may be silent most of the time, but I definitely see and notice everything that is happening here.”

 “What are you talking about hyu-“

“Jaehyun.” Taeil cut him off.

Clinking of utensils were heard after Taeyong dropped them on the sink, “so you know? H-how long have you known?”

Taeil took a deep breath and smiled at Taeyong before answering, “I’ve always know that boy has a crush on you… I just didn’t know it was more than a crush. Since we were trainees, Jaehyun has looked at you differently. His eyes would twinkle when he looks at you and his smile is the widest when you’re around.”

“I’ve seen him huffing out petals before, but I didn’t mention anything since it wasn’t my story to tell.” Taeil continued. “I was waiting for him to approach me or someone from the group. I actually expected him to confide to you, but I was wrong. Do you remember that day we got back from Hawaii?”

Taeyong remembers that night… that was the night Jaehyun kissed him on the cheek.

 “I overheard Ten telling Jaehyun that there was still time to back out but Jaehyun has already made his decision.”

“I’m sorry hyung.” Is that why he apologized? Was Jaehyun apologizing because of the kiss or because he’s giving up on him?

“A few days after that, he started distancing himself from you. At first I thought you guys had a feud but you started seeking out for him and later on… you started getting sick and that’s when the puzzle pieces started to fit in.”

“I don’t know what your reason is why you don’t want to get better, but from what I’ve seen so far you’re only prolonging both your sufferings.”

This time it was Taeyong who laughed at what Taeil said. “Why would he be suffering because of me? Why would he even feel guilty? In case you’ve forgotten Jaehyun had an operation that makes him indifferent towards me.”

“Is that what you think?” Taeil questioned. “Jesus Taeyong I didn’t know you’re this stupid! He may not be having any romantic feelings towards you but he was still a friend of yours and that will never change. You do know that going through the operation doesn’t really make a person indifferent right?”

“So what are you saying that he still cares for me as a friend?” Taeyong mockingly asked. “Hyung please you said it yourself, you see everything then I’m sure you can see how he pushes me away. If he really cares for me then he’s got a funny way of showing it.”

That night, Taeyong lied awake on his bed as his conversation with Yuta and Taeil replayed on his mind. ‘They don’t understand,’ Taeyong told himself. He couldn’t help but wish he could build a time machine and go back in time. Things would’ve been easier if he only realized his feelings sooner. If he only knew his future with the younger would turn out to be like this, he would’ve cherished every moment they shared together.

Taeyong couldn’t stop himself from smiling as Jaehyun’s name was called on stage. He clapped and cheered for the younger as he made his way up. Taeyong was so proud of the latter for making it. He’s a witness to how hard it was for Jaehyun juggling his time training and studying and now here he is finally graduating. The others were laughing, teasing him how he’s acting like Jaehyun’s parent, but he doesn’t care.

When the ceremony ended, the boys ate at a restaurant to celebrate Jaehyun’s graduation before heading back and continue practicing for their upcoming show in Thailand.

Once again, their practice ended at a later time. Taeyong felt bad for the younger because it was a special day for him yet here he is trapped in the four walls of their practice room. The others decided to head back to the dorm as soon as they were dismissed, but being the diligent student he is, Jaehyun chose to stay and practice some more.

“Jaehyun-ah,” he called out. “Let’s call it a day and just continue okay?”

“No hyung I’m fine,” Jaehyun replied. “I’ll be done in a few you can head out without me.”

But Taeyong won’t take no for an answer. He took their bags and pulled Jaehyun by the wrist. “I’m older than you so you should listen to me. We’re done for today and we’re going to eat whatever you like. My treat.”

“Hyung,” Jaehyun protested. “The show is in a few weeks I still need to perfect the choreo.”

“And you will,” Taeyong said with a cheeky smile. “I’ll help you we can go through it tomorrow but tonight you and I are going to have some fun.”

Jaehyun sighed letting the older drag him wherever. He knows how stubborn Taeyong can be and telling him no wouldn’t make a difference.

“Take us to Hangang please,” Taeyong told the driver when they entered the cab. Jaehyun’s eyes widen when he heard where Taeyong was planning to go.

“What?” Taeyong asked him. “I told you were having fun tonight didn’t I?”

Jaehyun just shakes his head at the older. Both were silent the whole time, but it wasn’t awkward it was unexpectedly comforting.

When they arrived at their destination, Jaehyun immediately looked for a restroom where he could change his clothes. Taeyong didn’t really give him the chance to change before leaving. The two headed to a convenient store after where they bought snacks. Once they’ve finished eating they decided to walk around and enjoy the tranquil night.

“I was hoping to get your mind off everything that’s why I took you here,” Taeyong confessed. “You just finished school, you should be relaxing just like any other student and not stressing over something else.”

“Thank you hyung,” Jaehyun muttered sheepishly. “You didn’t have to though.”

 “Hyung-“ Taeyong turned to the younger but Jaehyun quickly avoided his gaze, blushing. “Nothing, nevermind.”

Taeyong and Jaehyun continued their little stroll relishing each other’s company. They walked side by side with just right amount of distance between them, not too close but not too far either.

If only things could be as peaceful as that night. If only Taeyong asked what the younger was going to say that night. Was he going to confess? And if he did what would his reaction be? What was he going to say? Would he accept Jaehyun’s confession?

Taeyong couldn’t stop those thoughts from flooding his mind. All the ‘what ifs’ and ‘could’ve beens’ just came rushing into him. His head was pounding and his chest was tightening.

‘Jaehyun’ he thought once more before fading into darkness.

Bright, too bright. Taeyong slowly opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was bright lights and white ceiling.

“Good, you’re awake,” Yuta who was standing by his bed sarcastically said.

“What happened?” he groggily asked as he slowly sat up. He checked his surroundings only to realize the iv drip attached to him. He wasn’t in his room that he shares with Taeil back in their dorm.

“You passed out,” Johnny replied. “You were having another bad attack and out.”

Taeyong nodded as Johnny explained, he tried remembering what happened but nothing came up.

“Hyung you have to stop this, please do the operation already,” Doyoung pleaded. “Our comeback’s coming and we need you now more than ever.”

Just as Doyoung finished talking, the door opened and Jaehyun came in, “can you give us a moment please?”

The other members looked at one another before nodding their heads and making their way out of the room.

“Do it.” Jaehyun said as soon as they heard the door clicked. His voice was cold and stern but his eyes were warm and filled with concern. “You don’t have much time hyung. Go through with the operation and just let me go.”

“I can’t.”

“You can’t or you won’t?”

“It’s not that easy for me Jae-“

“I thought that too but look at me now,” Taeyong was cut off by the younger’s statement. The thought of Jaehyun being in the same position as him broke his heart especially since Jaehyun chose to give up. He was able to do what Taeyong couldn’t do.

“Hyung you have to let me go,” Jaehyun said once more. “You deserve all the happiness in the world, but I won’t- I can’t give it to you.”

Taeyong was silent so Jaehyun continued, “Back then I used to think that maybe one day you’ll realize what I mean to you. One day you’ll come to me and confess that you love me too. I spent years waiting for you but then I started getting sick and weak and it’s just not right hyung. Loving you was toxic. It killed me both literally and figuratively.”

Jaehyun’s voice starts to crack and his eyes were wet with tears, “even until now your love is still killing me. Do you know how hard it is for me to see you like this?”

Taeyong wants to say he does. He might have not witnessed Jaehyun’s suffering back then but still he knows… then Taeyong realized it. Once again he’s being selfish thinking of himself when he should be thinking of Jaehyun’s sake. Everyone’s been trying to tell him but just like what Yuta said he was blinded by his feelings, he didn’t comprehend what the others were truly saying.

After his talk with Taeil, instead of admitting he was wrong he ended up blaming Jaehyun for everything.

Taeyong’s heart broke as he looked at the younger who crying because of him. ‘It’s time for me to finally end your suffering Jae. I hope to see you smile again.’

“Okay I’ll do it, but I want you to do something for me first.”

Jaehyun’s crying stopped as he asked determinedly, “what is it hyung?”

“Tell me you love me.”

“Hyung-“

“You don’t have to mean it. I just want to hear those words coming from your mouth.”

The younger wasn’t moving and was just staring directly at him. “Have you ever thought what could’ve happened if you were honest from the start? If you told me that you love me instead of hiding what you felt?”

“It’s not like it’s going to change things back to the way they were,” Jaehyun reasoned out.

“I know.” Taeyong replied. “But I still want to hear you say, at least just once I want to hear them from you.”

Jaehyun took a deep breath before opening his mouth to speak. He wasn’t sure if it’s the right thing to do, but for Taeyong’s sake.

“I love you hyung.”

AN: Hello! So yeah that’s the end of the story lol I’m sorry if you hoped for a happy ending but I love angst more than I love Jaeyong (kidding I love Jaeyong the most). But yeah the only reason why I wrote this is because I got inspired by the song and I thought it would be a shame not to use it plus it fits Taeyong’s situation perfectly so why not?

If you didn’t understand the illness-cure thing. Having an operation won’t make you indifferent towards the person because the only thing that is being removed is the romantic feelings towards them. It means you can still be involved with them but only platonically that’s why even though Jaehyun had his feelings for Taeyong removed he still cares for the older.

Hope you guys liked it! ^^