You almost feel ashamed

That someone could be that important

Without them you are nothing

Your world stops spinning

You’re desired to stop living

 

Chanhee studied his reflection in the mirror. He saw a deemed pathetic and weak of himself.

 

Just how far have I walked?

If look back to the times we were together

I’ll find a trail of tears

A tons of regrets

I was wounded in return

And when it’s over

He’s gone

He left me

Alone

Only to miss him for every breath I have made

+++

 

Chanhee stared up at the looming sky above him

Just how long had he been there?

He had been walking, not knowing where his feet would lead him. All he wanted to do is walking, to keep his mind off things. He just wants to be alone.

It was a cold winter, just like today.

Why?

He remembered that day.

If only he had stayed.

Chanhee felt the tears rush to his eyes as he tried not to let them fall.

It has been a while, right Byunghun?

+++

 

“Stop it Byunghun!” annoyed Chanhee.

“No Chanhee, I can’t stop without finding the truth. You’re distance and I can feel it. And..and I even know there’s something going on between you and Hara” Byunghun shouted in anger

“There’s nothing between us so stop accusing me! As you can see, yes I am distance from you, but all this matter happened cause of our own mistakes so keep Hara away from our problem. She has nothing to do with our relationship”

“I’m not accusing you. You know yourself that I’m saying the truth. Why you still denied about this Chanhee? Just tell me the truth, can you?” Byunghun replied heatedly as tears started to swell up his eyes.

Byunghun was right. No matter how much time he tried to deny it, Byunghun still got the right answer. Chanhee did felt a bit guilty but inside him strongly didn’t want to leave Byunghun. He still loves him but he didn’t know what has gone with him since he met Hara.

He knew he was wrong but he really has no mood for this argument.

“You can be such a pain Byunghun!” Chanhee has lost his patient “Fine. You want to hear it that much right, then I admit. I admit that I’ve seeing Hara and we’re in love, happy?”

It was the first time he had ever rose his voice in front of Byunghun and seeing the latter’s heartbroken expression made it all worst.

“So it’s true. Why? How could you do this to me?” Byunghun cried out in despair.

Chanhee felt heavy stab on his heart as he watched his lover break in front of him. “I don’t know Byunghun, I love you so much but when I met Hara, I could feel something chilling me in my heart. I was confused. I think I have fallen in love with her but I don’t want to hurt you either”

“Am I not good enough for you?”

Chanhee let out a groan of annoyance. “Let’s stop this for now ok? I really don’t want to talk about it. I couldn’t stand to see you hurt. I’m just tired”

“Are you tired of me?”

“Stop Byunghun!”

“Tell me!”

“No! We need to stop this. I am not in the mood to talk right now”

“Am I tiring you, Lee Chanhee?!”

“Enough of all this drama!” Chanhee raise his voice again in anger. “You only made me sick of you” Chanhee said as he grabbed his jacket and keys, grabbing to the door knob and proceed to leave their apartment, leaving the trembling Byunghun alone being broken.

+++

 

I miss him.

I miss him a lot that now he been so far from my grasp.

Chanhee let out a long sigh as he recalled that day.

How he wished he could turn back time and do things he was supposed to do.

How he wished he could stay at Byunghun’s side once again.

“What brings you here, Chanhee?” The latter nearly cringed at the sound of his name. It’s hurt hearing them from Byunghun’s mouth.

He studied the boy standing before him. He was thinner and didn’t look like he’s having his good sleep. If it weren’t for his pride, Chanhee would’ve definitely broken down.

“Is it a crime to see you?”

Byunghun’s lips parted as a smile appeared “You never seemed interested in seeing me since you and Hara lives together”

“Drop it Byunghun. Don’t even start it” Chanhee yelled. His eyes planted on the outside world. “I don’t want to talk about me”

“Sorry am I tiring you off already?” Chanhee glared ahead of him to be captivated by those sapphire eyes of his love one.

Chanhee sighed heavily “Look, I’m sorry. Please Byunghun, I just don’t want to hurt you anymore. You had enough so give me some time and I’ll sort things out ok?”

“Can you please stay with me?” Byunghun sounded pleading. “Can you leave her and come back to me, Chanhee?”

Chanhee feel’s annoyed by Byunghun’s question. “I need to go” he hurriedly went out of the apartment but out of his concerned that Byunghun followed behind him.

What should I do? I want to stay but I can’t leave her. Byunghun please, understand me.

Too distraught with his thoughts, he didn’t notice that he was in the middle of the road when there was car that rushing in his direction until he heard Byunghun screamed his name.

The next thing he knew he was on the side pavement, panting heavily. His limbs had gone numb from the sudden shock.

BYUNGHUN!

Please stop crying

I won’t let you go

I will stay with you

Leaving everything that could take me away from you

You are the one and nothing matters more

Chanhee looked up only to see Byunghun lying on the street, bleeding.

The people who had witnessed the accident had called for an ambulance immediately.

He rushed up to his lover’s side and pulled the latter into his tight embrace, careful enough not to hurt the boy further.

“B-Byunghun…” he stuttered. He couldn’t hold back his tears at the sight of his lover.

“Chan..hee” Byunghun looked up weakly as smile painted on his always beautiful face. “It’s been aw-hile since las-t t-time you hold…me like this” he managed to choke out as stab of pain overwhelmed him and he hissed in pain.

“ssshh..save your energy Byunghun. Ambulance on their way so what you need to do is just hold on until they come, ok?”

“You h-holding me like this..i am h-happy” Chanhee sobbed once he heard Byunghun utters those words. Byunghun smiled weakly at him as he at the moment has realized how much of jerk he had been.

“I am a jerk. Why did you do this? Why did u save me?”

“Y-you’re not a jerk. You’re the best boyfriend I have. I-I love you so mu-ch that I move to take the h-hit for you” Chanhee cried harder as Byunghun reached out a hand to brush away the tears that stain on his handsome face. “I-I am sorry for every-thing I have made. I want y-you to be..happy”

“Stop Byunghun. I don’t want you to talk like this anymore. You’re not saying any goodbye to me. You’ll survive. Just hang on Byunghun, stay alive for me my love”

Byunghun just smile weakly as he leaned closer on Chanhee chest.

If you’re not there then there’s no meaning in my life

Minutes later they heard the silence of ambulance echoed toward their way.

“Ambulance is here, be strong Byunghun. You have to live on” Byunghun was too tired and cold. He could feel hot tears fall on his face. It was Chanhee.

“I-I’m s-sor-ry…Cha-n-hee” Byunghun smiled his last before closing his eyes. All the strength drifts away from Chanhee when his head falls deeper onto his chest. The uneven breath he had earlier has vanished away, leaving behind a still him.

Chanhee’s throat chokes on emotions as he holds him tighter. The moment Byunghun had closed his eyes had Chanhee to let out a scream of anguish. His whole body was shaking and his heart was breaking. His whole world shattered.

“Didn’t you ask me to stay with you? I’ll stay Byunghun. I’ll stay with you and leave Hara, you hear me?” Chanhee lean his chin onto the crown of Byunghun’s head and kiss him gently. He remembered Byunghun will always like it when he did that and responds him with a peck on the lips. However this time was different. He got nothing in return.

“Byunghun…just wake up ok? Ambulance is here and you will be saved. Please. Don’t’ joke anymore” he shakes the love of his life slightly and cups the face in his hands. Byunghun’s eyes are firmly closed. He looks like he’s sleeping in peace.

Don’t leave me

I need you in my love

Stay with me as I promise to stay with you

Chanhee kiss his lover tenderly and tighten his embrace.

I know how much you love my possessiveness

His heart falls greatly when he saw the eyes of Byunghun still closed.

Tracing his peaceful face with kisses and pecks, Chanhee pray to God for making his lover open his eyes. Byunghun cannot leave him just yet. There are still tons of things that he wants to tell him.

“You always say you love me, don’t you?”

He does, always. He never forgets to let Chanhee know how much he loves him, how much important Chanhee was for him. He says, he does and he proves it. Chanhee felt his heart crying in guilt.

Clutching onto Byunghun limb body, he let his tears falling freely down his cheeks and onto him.

“I love you Byunghun. I am crazy and desperately in love with you..so don’t ever leave me! I can’t live without you. I love you” Chanhee voice is breaking as emotion surges up more and more in him.

The snow starts to fall silently although people around them were making a fuss. To Chanhee, only he and Byunghun left. He couldn’t seem to hear a word as all he could see was only his lifeless lover.

Chanhee cried as he had never cried before, he poured out all his pain and regret but no matter how much he wished and prayed, Byunghun would never wake anymore.

+++

 

The wind blew softly caressing Chanhee with coldness.

Chanhee took off his glasses as he wiped his teary eyes. If only he hadn’t hurt Byunghun then he wouldn’t be alone and cold.

But…Byunghun had once promised him that he will always stay by his side.

And he does.

Byunghun will always remain in Chanhee’s heart.

+++

 

Say Chanhee, isn’t life strange? One moment a complete stranger can become your best friend then your lover and next, that same person will leave you and you become his complete stranger again just like you never know him before. It’s strange, isn’t it? To be honest, I had fun. I thank you for letting me to know you, being friend with you, love you and even heartbreak with you. Thank you for loving me even it was for a short amount of time. I just wish you will be happy with your love life Chanhee.

I love you always…

-Lee Byunghun-