More often than not these days, Yongguk found himself struggling to fight back the dark cloud threatening to consume him. And even more than that, struggling to hide it. As much as he tried to stop it, he could never quite get his brain to completely silence its constant tirade of abuse against his will.

 

You missed that hip movement in the third chorus. Why is it that you miss that every time? It is the chorus. Pull it together.

 

Yongguk stood still for a moment, panting only slightly as he stared at himself and his team in the mirror. Smiles spread across each of the younger boys faces at their successful practice but other than the prideful expressions, not a single one moved, all eyes trained on Yongguk.

 

What have you done to deserve this loyalty? Look at this level of respect that you most certainly have NOT earned.

 

Yongguk forced a smile onto his face before finally letting his shoulders fall and spinning to face the group of younger males who didn't move until he did. By the time he turned around, Youngjae was falling into Daehyun, hooking an arm around his shoulders and giving him a light jab in the side. Himchan was ruffling Jongup's hair and within the next second his thin fingers were running through the tuft on top of Zelo's head.

Yongguk watched the members congratulate each other on a job well done before offering up his own encouragement. "That was amazing, guys." Yongguk said as positively as he could make his voice sound. "We have only been working on this routine for three days and it is already coming together very well!"

 

All the hard work that the five of them put in and you still can't get this right? You're a piece of ...

 

Yongguk lifted his right heel slightly from the ground, rolling his ankle to stretch it out as his boys continued to congratulate each other, each throwing a thank you and a few words of encouragement at Yongguk, which all fell on deaf ears. The leader's eyes were now trained on the floor, eyes running over the lines where the thin wooden boards met, without really seeing them. Here it was, that panicked feeling that he couldn't ever hold back. It was becoming more frequent, almost a normal thing now. It consumed most of his time outside of dancing. It made his hands shake, his arms and legs feel week. His heart raced in his chest and his breathing dropped to short shallow breaths.

 

Yongguk bit down on his tongue hard as he headed to his duffle bag in the corner of the room. He pulled a t-shirt out and slipped it on before picking the bag up and slinging it over his shoulder, starting to taste blood. When he spun back towards the door, Yongguk found Jongup standing in the doorway, looking down at the ground and pinching at the skin on the back of his hand. Yongguk swallowed the blood that had been puddling on his tongue and tried to pull in a deep breath.

 

"Everything okay, Jonguppie?" he asked as he threw his arm over the younger's shoulders and started pulling him towards the door. Jongup looked up at him and stopped walking, unhooking himself from Yongguk's arm so he could stand face to face with him. Yongguk cocked an eyebrow, eyes locked on Jongup's own concern filled ones.

 

"Hyung..." Jongup started tentatively. A hand came up and dropped onto Yongguk's shoulder. "Are you taking care of yourself okay?"

 

Yongguk's breath caught in his throat and he inhaled as deeply as he could, trying to even out his still shallow breathing, to no avail.

 

"Of course Jonguppie. You shouldn't be worried about me." he flashed the best smile he could come up with. Jongup stared up at him hesitantly for a few moments before returning it and tucking himself back under Yongguk's arm, dragging the older along this time.

 

"Come on then hyung, manager-nim said we can get ramun today!"

 

Great, even Jongup, the thickest person you have ever met has noticed that something is up. What the other members must think at this point...

 

~~~

 

Yongguk stared into the mirror in the bathroom of the ramun restaurant, letting the water run over his already clean hands. His cheekbones were becoming more prominent as he hadn't been able to eat much for some time now. The door swung open and Yongguk quickly turned off the faucet, shaking his hands over the sink. He turned towards the paper towel dispenser to find Zelo standing next to it holding out a few pieces of paper towel for him. "Thank you Junhong-ah."

 

Zelo smiled at him and closed the distance between them.

 

Once Yongguk had taken the paper towel and started to dry the water from his palms, Zelos hands locked around Yongguk’s arms, just above his elbows. "Hyung," Zelo said quietly, giving the olders arms a comforting squeeze. "How are you feeling?" his voice was quiet and soothing.

 

"A little odd about you trapping me in the bathroom, but other than that fine."

 

Yongguk recognized the smile plastered on Zelo's face as they younger nodded. It was tinged with knowledge and concern, not a real smile. The smile of someone who is worried you are going to throw yourself off a bridge. Yongguk didn't want to look at it. "Well, my noodles are getting cold..." Zelo gave his arms one last squeeze before releasing him.

 

~~~

 

Yongguk woke late in the night, uncomfortable in the jeans he had fallen asleep in. You deserve to be uncomfortable.

 

He made his way into the kitchen and dropped a piece of bread in the toaster, starting it. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes but didn't want to let them escape, because that would be admitting he had a problem, wouldn't it?

 

He fished a butter knife out of the drawer and grabbed the peanut butter from the cupboard before moving to lean back against the wall near the fridge. He felt so heavy, weighed down with guilt, and sadness. He wasn't even hungry. Why was he out here wasting food? He felt his legs grow weak beneath him and he slid down the wall, resting his arms on his knees and tucking his face into the crook of his elbow, fighting back the tears.

 

Suddenly, someone was sliding down the wall next to him, a hand resting on his shoulder. Someone else was pulling the butter knife he hadn't realized he was still holding from his hand. He took in a shaky breath before shifting to sit cross legged, finding Daehyun sitting next to him and Youngjae putting the knife on the counter before coming to join him on the other side. Now each of the younger members had a hand on his knees.

 

"A little early for toast hyung." Youngjae mused.

 

"It's never too early to eat Jae-yah" Daehyun countered.

 

"I can't believe you haven't blown up like a freaking balloon the way you eat!" Youngjae threw back at him.

 

Yongguk took a few more deep, shaky breaths, trying to calm the sobs sitting at the base of his throat. He was grateful for both their presence and their ability to speak like nothing was abnormal about this at all. Yongguk wrapped his arms over each of their shoulders pulling them both closer.

 

Each of his younger friends leaned into the half embrace and continued arguing in hushed voices so as not to wake up the other members. Yongguk let their bickering drown out his own thoughts and before long passed out, head lolling on Daehyun's shoulder.

 

~~~~~~

 

Yongguk sat on the couch waiting for Himchan to get home, worried that his dongsaeng was going to cancel on him. Why are you so stupid? Yongguk's brain prodded. Himchan had never canceled one of their friday night movies before, so long as they didn't have an event to attend or prepare for. Every friday night that they weren't busy, Daehyun and Youngjae would head out bowling. Jongup and Zelo would go to the skate park down the street to skateboard, and he and Himchan would stay in and watch a movie together.

 

It felt like they hadn’t done this in years, although it had only been a few weeks. They had been busy on a tour, learning a new routine, and preparing for a concert coming up soon. This would be their first friday night off in more than a month, yet instead of looking forward to it, like Yongguk expected, he found himself just as nervous as ever. He probably won't come. You're so boring. Why would he want to spend any more time with you than he already has to?

 

Before his mind could continue bombarding him, Himchan pushed through the door. "Hyung!" He stumbled into the room, multiple plastic bags slung over each arm, and crashed down onto the couch, half landing on top of Yongguk. The smile that spread across the older’s face as he looked down at the disheveled male in his lap was the first genuine one that had broken his features in a long time and an actual laugh slipped past his parted lips. "Sorry..." Himchan said, straightening himself up. He slid the bags off his arms, dropping some of them on the floor and others into Yongguk’s lap so that he could dig through them. "Sorry I'm late hyung, the line was so long at the grocery store but I wanted to get all your favorite snacks.

 

Yongguk fought back the frown that threatened to overshadow his smile at the idea of food. Nothing sounded good.

 

Yongguk started the movie, upon Himchan's insistence, and shifted around a little, trying to get settled while the younger male continued to dig through plastic bags. "I know it's here somewhere..." he mumbled.

 

Yongguk drug his eyes away from Himchan, letting the movie absorb his full attention.

 

"Aha!" Himchan exclaimed nearly ten minutes later, causing Yongguk to jump in his seat. "Look hyung!" He held a small package up in front of Yongguk’s face. Yongguk caught Himchan's wrist, holding his hand still so he could focus on the bright orange object in front of him.

 

"Reese’s?" Yongguk asked, astonished. His jaw slackened and he turned his wide-eyed gaze on the younger male, who was beaming up at him. "But... how...?" Yongguk hadn't had any of the candy in years. When he was younger his dad used to travel to america regularly and when he came back he would always bring Yongguk Reese’s. It was his absolute favorite.

 

Perhaps it was built up homesickness all along that had left him feeling this way. In his depressed state, he had no desire to call his family, worried that his parents would be disappointed in his efforts and he hadn't been to see them in months with their busy schedules.

 

"I called your mom." Himchan said simply.

 

"But..."

 

Himchan shook his head, and pulled the package open, handing one of the cups inside over to the the older.

 

Yongguk stuffed the whole thing in his mouth and a wave of nostalgia rushed over him. In the past the Reese's always meant that his dad was finally home, his family was whole again, he could rest easy. Now those feelings flooded back as well. He couldn't help the tears that streamed down his cheeks and Yongguk tackled Himchan down onto the couch in a tight bear hug, pressing his face into the crook of the younger's neck.

 

Himchan let out a surprised huff but hugged Yongguk back just as tightly.