To the boy I once loved

I know it must be hard for you right now, with me leaving you without any caution or reason. I know you don't wasn't to ever see or hear from me again from the pain that I put you through, but I've hidden from my fears long enough.

And you deserve to know why I broke it off.

We were both young and stupid teenagers back then, heck we're still young and stupid - but now we're adults. I was fifteen, I moved from from Busan to Seoul because of my father job transfer.

But of course you already knew that.

I remember ting my pants the entire ride to my new school, what were they going to think of me? What if I'm bullied because of my accent? I remember my mum dropping me off at the main entrance of the academy, kissing me softly on my temple before speeding down the road.

I followed the other students and wandered around the school hallways, too scared to ask anyone for where the new students go. And at that moment you decided to walk out from one of the classrooms, it was like something out of a typical drama.

I just happened to be entering that class when the door swung open, it struck me in the face and just as I about to fall to the ground, you wrapped your hands around my waist and hoisted me up. I still remember the strange feeling it gave me when I saw you stare at me with such concern, it was similar to the buzz you get when you accidentally hit your funny bone.

It took me a few seconds to register that you were speaking to me, I pushed you off me and turned to walk away. But being the stubborn guy you are, you held my arm and pulled me back. You took me over to the infirmary, despite the fact that door hadn't hit my nose but my head and there wasn't any bruise.

Your reason was because I "could have a mild concussion."

The walk to the nurses' office felt extremely long and uncomfortable, I tried to kept quiet and not answer any question you asked in hopes you would stop talking to me and leave me be. Instead you smiled at me and continued to speak, telling me your name and other things that - at the time - I didn't really care for. I just wanted you to leave me alone.

But you didn't.

You stayed with me whilst I was getting checked on, you stayed with me to walk me to class. You stayed with me when you found out I was a new student and took me to the reception, hell you even stayed in the library with me during lunch.

To be honest you were really clingy back then, and even though I said I hated it, I didn't. I loved every bit of it, I loved how much attention you gave me, how special you made me feel when your would gaze at me warmly.

The only thing I hated was the things you made me feel, I hated you for ing with my mind and making me question my uality all through out my first year of high school.

Then second year rolls around. Even after coming to terms with not being fully straight, I was still as cold to you as I was the year before - maybe even colder. Each time you'd run to me and hug me, I'd push you off and glare, because I resented you for turning me bi.

And after that I would continue to push you away, even gotten to the point of teasing you about your height or anything that you were insecure about.

Nothing broke my heart more than seeing your face fall, and your lips quiver as you held down your tears. But I had to push you, make a distance between us because back then I thought maybe then my feelings will die down.

Remember when I said I was young and stupid?

Even though I got what I thought I wanted, it wasn't what I wanted. As each day passed, I couldn't stop myself from missing your presence. Your caring touches, your warm hugs, your bright smile and your cute chubby cheeks. My feelings for you worsened by the day.

But I couldn't find the courage to speak to you, I had hurt you too much for you to even look or breathe in my direction.

I was a coward, who waited a whole other year to finally come up to you and apologise. I prepared during the last weeks of the summer holidays, I would buy a huge bouquet of flowers and a DVD of your favourite movie.

In the end I didn't proceed with that plan, I knew presents couldn't make up for what I did to you. So I appeared in front of you during lunch and got down to my knees, begging for your forgiveness.

I was desperate, I missed you to the point where it ached living without your presence.

You looked different, you bore thick black glasses and had dyed your hair orange. You lost weight, and you barely spoke to anyone beside Taehyung.

I can still feel the sting on my left cheek when you slapped me repeatedly and I let you, I knew you were taking out last years frustration and anger out on me. I didn't stop you because I deserved every single slap and punch I got that day, I deserved so much more than that.

Then you escorted me to the infirmary, something that surprised me, and stayed with me whilst the nurse patched up my wounds and put ointment on my bruised skin, clutching my hands while I hissed in pain. You took me home and cared for me when my mum and dad weren't around.

You still stayed with me even though I abandoned you and said all those hurtful things to you.

It was at that moment, when you were cleaning my wounds whilst muttering words to comfort me, that I more than just liked you.

I was freaking in love with you, Park Jimin.

A week later was your graduation, I watched on the bleachers as you smile brightly at the crowd and said your speech as valedictorian. After the ceremony, you dragged me away from the crowd and took me to the roof of the school.

We stood for a while, no one spoke we smiled widely at each other before you grabbed me by the neck and kissed me with such passion, it knocked the air out my lungs. I didn't hesitate, I kissed you right back my hands cupping your cheeks, deepening the kiss.

We pulled away shortly after, our foreheads rest on one another as we tried to catch our breath. Then you said something that I'll never forget, "Jeon Jungkook, I've been in love with you ever since I opened the door in your face."

I kissed you hard after that.

A few days later, we had our first date. Then our second and several after that. It was after the tenth, I ask you to be my boyfriend and you said yes.

It was the best day of my life.

Fast forward to three years later, we were still going strong. We even moved in together, although it took you a couple of weeks to finally agree with this huge milestone. I in my first year of university, you worked at a local theatre where you were a dancer. I had a part time job in a pizza delivery shop that was quite popular in Seoul, which meant there was never really a slow day. But I didn't mind, as long as I get paid enough to pay half the bill and still buy luxuries.

We were problem free that time, didn't have to worry about whether my dad was getting transferred to Japan and if I had to follow him. We didn't have to worry about anyone homewrecking our relationship.

That was until I met Yugyeom. You've always hated him and I didn't know why, he was a cool guy and he was into the same things and I was. I just thought you were jealous since I wasn't spending all of my time with you anymore.

But then over the months I started spending more time with him and less with you, but you always said that I could go - even if it meant I'll miss out the date we planned a week ago. I thought you were okay with it so I stopped asking if it was okay, and you stopped being yourself.

Whenever we did get our alone time, you'd stay at work for an extra hour or you'll blow off any plans I make for us. I guess it was your payback for me blowing you off those multiple times.

Then one day, I meet your colleague, Hoseok, at work and we chatted. He also noticed your weird behaviour around others as well, you'd only hang out continuously with Yoongi until late hours. And it happened almost every day.

It made me paranoid, what if you were cheating on me because I never gave you enough attention. It didn't help that Hoseok and Yoongi were already dating at that time.

Then you stopped texting me about your whereabouts, it made me even more paranoid. And whenever you'd come home extremely late and your only excuse was that you "didn't realise the time" made me mad.

I was so mad that I called Yugyeom over and told him everything, we went out to a club and got drunk. The next day, I woke up in a strangers bed with dry stains in between my thighs.

I never told you this because I was ashamed, I committed infidelity. I cheated on you, and the worst thing is that I never could remember whether the guy forced me into having with him or I let him.

But still, ever since that day I started acting strange around you too. I would never let you touch like before, because I was a disgrace, I was a foul human being who didn't deserve your love.

But the cheating didn't stop there, each time Yugyeom came over he'd always drag me over to a nearby club and I'd end up in another strangers bed. All this happened whilst I thought you were cheating on me with Yoongi.

It took me another week before I confronted you about it, you laughed in my face and denied it. The two of were making music for upcoming musical, there was nothing going on. You even asked me if I wanted to join if I still had my doubts.

Hearing that made me feel happy, I thought things would go back to the way it used to but they went worse.

Whenever I was around Yugyeom, I'd always end having with if not him someone else, because I wasn't satisfied with our relationship. And knowing that scared me, knowing that I was falling out of love with you put me into a stage of denial.

Even though your kisses didn't affect like they used, your touches didn't leave small tingles on my skin like they used to, even though your clingyness began to annoy the heck out of me. I still stayed with you because I didn't want to believe that I wasn't in love with you anymore.

So each time you were out, I brought different men and women in our house and we ed in the same bed the two of us slept in.

But it didn't last long, after two months of sleeping around, I finally decided to break things off. There was no point on being with you if the love wasn't there anymore, I could put you through that torture.

But I still couldn't face you, so I packed my things and moved into my own apartment. The only thing I left behind was a letter, much like this one I'm writing.

But with only two words.

I'm sorry.

And I truly am, I'm sorry for putting you through all of that when we broke up. I'm sorry for lying to you, cheating on you and deceiving you.

I'm sorry that I'm a spineless coward, that still can't face you even after two years.

I'm sorry that I'm not in love with you anymore.

••••••••••••••••

i havent written in ten in ten thousand years!!!

anyway I hope you enjoyed this one shot and... yeah I hope you have a beautiful and wonderful day

peace