A rendezvous of memories comes gushing all at once – his majestic smile and enthralling eyes along with his virulent refreshing laughter; Jinyoung has always been Mark's guilty pleasure. Jinyoung is an addiction Mark is not embarrassed to admit.

 

It was definitely not love at first sight nor a love that blossomed from a one night stand. But it was, is an affection – love that budded from an inadvertent varying circumstances. Mark was, is, undeniably, illogically, irreversibly in love with his best friend, Jinyoung.

 

And a series of uncalculated decisions and unforeseeable scenarios lead to their story. And there are times Mark looked back to the past in order to relieve moments of what could have been, what should have been - but in the end, at least, currently, Mark is satisfied as to what they already have.

 

Mark is hopelessly in love with his friend, Jinyoung.

 

***

 

March 1, 2017

 

“The cheese tarts here are to die for. But you should queue up early or else Jackson will hoard all of them.” Words came pouring in a fluently well-versed Korean sentences, the only thing Mark picked up was the word Jackson and Mark had no idea who Jackson was nor the guy who just spoke to him, is he Jackson? and the same guy was already occupying the seat in front of him in the cafeteria.

 

“I'm Park Jinyoung” The guy whose face was a silhouette of perfection, eyes accented with thick rimmed glasses but the adorable wrinkles formed on the corners of his eyes highlighted his beauty, was making himself comfortable on the steel bench in the same table as Mark’s “Having trouble on your first day? Or is this an easy breezy day?” The continuous flow of sentences made Mark dizzy – or maybe just because in front of him was a true beauty. He wasn’t really quite sure.

 

It was Mark's first day at Seoul University and sadly, although he excelled in other subjects such as math, science and logic, he had mastered the Korean language and the only phrases he knew are the usual common greetings, hello, goodbye and I love you. So when a Korean guy bombarded him with sentences after sentences, he could not help but stare at him while his mouth hanging agape – clear confusion and desperation to understand were evident on his face.

 

It didn't took a long time for the speaker to comprehend the situation as the realization continued to flow.

 

“You don't know Korean?” The speaker asked again in Korean and Mark still had no idea what the speaker said so he sported the same expression he had been having ever since the speaker started to engage in a conversation with him.

 

“Oh, sorry” Jinyoung finally said in English. “I am Park Jinyoung” He said clearly, although a hint of Korean can still be percieved, Mark knew then that the guy in front of him was well versed in the language Mark was familiar with.

 

Finally, after gruelling hours of having to converse with Korean-only speaking students, Mark was relieved as he realized the man sitting in front of him could potentially be his savior because in no way he can survive the university life with only having 3 bullets at hand. “You speak English” he immediately replied as his lips started to form a curve.

 

“Yes but still not very good” Jinyoung admitted, “But studying it here” He tried to elaborate.

 

“That's more than enough” Mark replied, a wide smile creeping on his face as he stretched out his hand, “I'm Mark Tuan.” He offered his hand along with the hope of the start of a lifelong friendship.

 

And although Mark had hoped for an eternal brotherhood, he wasn't aware that it was the beginning of something far more than friendship encompassing of series of regrettable situations, unparalleled moments, and memories of sudden uncontrollable outburst of feelings. At that certain moment, everything comprised of innocence and unwavering hopeful future and so Mark didn't feel love at first sight but sometimes he wished he did.

 

 

***

 

 

December 24, 2017

 

“You didn’t have to stay here with me” And although Mark could barely talk because of the burning sensations he felt due to his tonsils, and the headache that was currently ripping his head out – he urged himself to start a conversation with Jinyoung wanting the latter to realize the mistake he did – the mistake of choosing to stay with Mark.

 

Because Jinyoung was supposed to be with his family. Jackson went back in China while Jaebum chose to be his family. Jinyoung should have done the same. He could have spent a wonderful Christmas listening to Christmas carols while stuffing his stomach with home-cooked meals, not taking care a sick person.

 

Jinyoung, instead of answering, continued to cook the soup he was preparing. Mark just woke up and it was an hour before Christmas. Jinyoung had bought a chocolate cake, a double order of kimbap and was currently preparing a samgyetang. Mark was being a kid – who would blame him – he was currently in a lot of pain coupled with grueling guilt. Jinyoung deserved better, not to be stuck in a lousy apartment with a sick, ungrateful brat.

 

“You should be with your family.” Mark insisted because he knew he was right.

 

“And what?” Jinyoung finally relented “leave you here?” He stood his ground.

 

“But it’s Christmas.” Mark fought back. “You should be with your family.”

 

Jinyoung heaved a deep sigh and shook his head in clear disappointment but when Jinyoung spoke again, the words struck his soul and he melted.

 

“But you’re also my family, Mark” Jinyoung replied.

 

***

 

September 4, 2018

 

“So?” Mark flashed his brightest smile hoping Jinyoung could sense that he was waiting – expecting for something. Jinyoung had always been the best when it comes to surprises. He planned them carefully and tenaciously – the details were always intricate and delicate.

 

Mark remembered when they threw a welcoming party for Youngjae, the younger guy broke down in tears because of excessive happiness - Jinyoung planned the party. Mark recalled the day Jackson took home the first place in Fencing during their Sports-Athletic Tournamet, Jinyoung found a way to record Jackson's parents' congratulatory speech. And during Jaebum's birthday, Jinyoung had actually invited Jaebum's most loved indie band.

 

And Mark was expecting just like that. It's only an hour before his birthday ends and the surprise should come anytime by now.

 

“What do you want?” Jinyoung angrily replied, “Mark, can't you see I'm busy?”

 

But instead of a surprise, Mark was given a hasty reply. He blinked a couple of times trying to assess the situation, is it really happening? Did Jinyoung forget about my birthday? Am I a nuisance to Jinyoung?

 

“If you don't have any important thing to say, just leave me alone for a bit because this is important.”

 

Mark had no reply to that and instead, he nodded and silently muttered his apologies as he quietly walked towards his bedroom. It was the greatest surprise of his entire existence – never did he expect to witness Jinyoung in a foul mood directly at him. They had their fights – a couple of arguments just like normal friends do but the Jinyoung he just witnessed was a different one.

 

He almost forgot his birthday because his mind was occupied with the thoughts of Jinyoung being angry with him. Apologies are a must but Mark didnt know how to – he didnt even know if Jinyoung wanted to hear his apologies and he wasnt aware of the reason he should apologize so Mark stayed at his room wondering what he did wrong that he didn't event realized it's only a minute before his birthday ended.

 

Come to the living room. It was a text message from Jinyoung.

 

A little bit hesitant, Mark gathered his courage and opened his bedroom door only to be welcomed by pitch black darkness.

 

“Jin---”

 

Happy Birthday to you~ Happy birthday to you~ Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to you~~~

 

And a light came from a single candle.

 

“Happy birthday, my dear Mark.” Jinyoung greeted, as he made his way towards Mark

 

Mark stared unseeingly as his mind echoed with words he could not get out of his chest. He already thought that hoping for a happy birthday was far and dim but Jinyoung proved otherwise.

 

“Are you crying?” Jinyoung said in panicked as he rushed to switch off the lights and placed the cake on the table.

 

“hey, Mark”

 

“I'm not crying.”

 

“Well you should!” Jinyoung snickered. “You thought I totally forgot about your birthday. But I didnt, I waited for the perfect moment.”

 

Mark could not believe what was happening. It was surreal – various emotions came rushing all at once but the overflowing happiness he felt inside cannot be explained by any words or be expressed with any song. He was almost at the brink of tears but he tried to hold it in – Jinyoung should not have the last laugh so Mark diverted their conversation.

 

“And you didn’t give me any presents?” Mark demanded.

 

“I already gave you one, idiot.” Jinyoung started laughing, the laugh Mark loved the most.

 

“What? Where? I don’t see it.” Mark walked around the house, pretending to look for the present but he stopped when Jinyoung spoke.

 

“Of course you won’t see it.”

 

Mark rolled his eyes, “What the hell, Jinyoung!”

 

Jinyoung just continued to laugh.

 

“Seriously, what did you give me?”

 

 

And almost like a fantasy, Jinyoung smiled and stared at him.

 

“My heart.”

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

***

 

November 23, 2017

 

 

“You like Jackson.”

 

A statement uttered in confidence in the English language making Mark choke on the water he just drank.

 

And after Mark cleaned himself up for the mess he created, it was completely follow by Mark's mouth hanging agape and for a moment he felt something shuddered its way up his body and he could not help but be awed for the ridiculousness of the claim.

 

“What the hell, Jinyoung?” Mark accused in English, his eyes squinted as he slumped his shoulder. He guessed it could have been another prank or Jinyoung’s way of making him uncomfortable because for the past months he had doing just that, when he’s not teaching Mark korean.

 

“Mark, it's okay to like someone. You do not have to hide it from me.” Jinyoung shrugged as he answered in Korean, not even interested in what Mark had to say. It seemed that he already made up his mind and was positive about his statement. “I'm your best friend” He said, “Am I?” He added and the look of doubt on Jinyoung’s face struck an incredible unexplainable pain in Mark’s chest.

 

Mark couldn't believe the sentences he just heard and although it was still difficult for him to comprehend long sentences, he clearly understood what Jinyoung had meant. He briefly asked himself on what insane reason could possibly prompted Jinyoung to ever doubt their friendship. It was true that they have only been friends for a couple of months but Mark was sure he was keen on showing how he continually treasured what friendship they already established.

 

“For Christ's sake, Jinyoung, I don't like Jackson” Mark argued as he mixes Korean and English, his voice suddenly increased in decibel, the palpable irritation evident on him “and what made you doubt our friendship?” He retorted, and honestly he felt betrayed - saddened by the fact Jinyoung had mistrusted their relationship. They met only months ago but the bond they've developed - the memories they created together were enough recognition of a solid brotherhood. Jinyoung should have never ever doubted it.

 

Jinyoung stayed mum right and Mark highly guessed his best friend was formulating a reply.

 

At most times, Mark experienced difficulties distinguishing gestures of blatant friendship from actions that can be accustomed to stepping out of the boundaries of friendship.

 

And sometimes, Mark found it hard to differentiate the effects of coffee from something unexplainably difficult to comprehend.

 

 

 

 

***

September 7, 2018

 

“I'm not good with words but you're the best thing that ever happened to me.” It was obvious that Jinyoung was fighting hard to hold back the tears while focusing on the speech he was currently reciting. Everyone's drunk – having consumed alcohol more than their limit but no one cared even though they could barely move or thought straight.

 

“Thank you so much for always being there” Jinyoung continued and this time, a tear fell from his right eye and from then on, the words coming from his mouth were muffled by cries and hiccups. He was a sobbing mess but Jinyoung being intoxicated meant he was telling the truth. The celebration of Mark's birthday turned out to be a blast with a lot of his friends from the university went and celebrated it with him.

 

“You were – you were the ideal man for me, you know that” He continued to spill out unfalse claims, “I'm just – god damn it – I'm happy to have met you, Mr. Tuan”

 

 

***

October 7, 2025

 

 

“Remember the time Jinyoung confessed to Mark?” Jackson relived the memory as if it happened yesterday. 5 years had passed and it was the first time in 3 years since they have been together – in complete attendance.

 

Everyone laughed for they too, had witnessed drunk Jinyoung letting out all his feelings.

 

“But Mark was too drunk to even remembered it happening.” Youngjae chimed in, adding bits and pieces to the hilarious story they loved the most.

 

Jinyoung was laughing uncontrollably, left hand covering his mouth, the wrinkles on the side of his eyes were still ever so beautiful as they were since Mark had first saw them.

 

“Those were the good times” Jinyoung finally claimed after he calmed down form all the laughter. “Right?” He nudged his partner in crime as he flashed a gentle smile to the guy sitting beside him.

 

“Yes” Mark replied. “Good times” He repeated.

 

Mark silently wished he could return back in time to prevent Jinyoung from confessing because it started the pathway to a problem until now, Mark is currently having.

 

***

 

May 6, 2017

 

 

“Why did you approach me that day?” Mark had asked while they were currently lying on the sand - eyes fixated on the wonders of the stars above them.

 

“You look cute.” Jinyoung replied without ever batting an eyelash. It was straightforward - not even a hint of hesitation. But Mak highly doubted it.

 

2 months of a roller-coaster ride was enough to know almost all about Jinyoung. It happened too fast but unhurriedly at the same time. The fateful day he met Jinyoung marked the beginning of their friendship, the next thing Mark knew he was moving in the shared apartment of Jinyoung and his other friends.

 

He had met Jackson - a fellow foreign student; Jaebum, Jinyoung’s childhood friend. And everything fell exactly where they should be - the things worked up perfectly and Mark was experiencing the best days of his life.

 

Jinyoung seemed like a maze but Mark with his eagerness to know every possible way in or out had successfully uncovered his best friend.

 

“You’re doubting me.” Jinyoung squinted his eyes in accusation.

 

“Yes, I am” Mark replied, unabashed.

 

“But it’s true” Jinyoung replied, “I thought you were cute so I talked to you, but I didn't expect you didn't know Korean.” He elaborated.

 

“And I was hoping you were a knight in shining armor who noticed my helplessness” Mark half-joked but still thankful and was sure he would forever be thankful for the day he met Jinyoung.

 

“I’m still a knight in shining armor, though.” Jinyoung smiled, “And you’re the helpless prince I will always be glad to save - over and over again.”

 

And Mark didn’t know how much he would hold onto the words Jinyoung claimed. Because Jinyoung stayed true to his words - countlessly saving Mark - pulling him out of gut-wrenching scenarios and turning them into heart-warming memories.

 

But sometimes Mark wished Jinyoung didn’t have to utter such promise because at times, the prince didn't need to be saved - there are times, the prince needed to step up for himself. And the knight in shining armor was supposed to help the helpless - not necessarily the prince himself.

 

 

***

 

 

 

October 10, 2018

 

“I've missed you”

 

The past week had been stressful with Mark doubling his efforts to pass his Korean history as well as trying to work overtime at the bookstore. He had to keep his mind off of some things that were pestering him causing his inability to think straight – to decipher fiction from fact because that was what he needed the most – to separate reality from his fantasy.

 

So when he felt an arm draped over his body, and the ever familiar voice filled out the room – the emptiness that had lingered for a month had suddenly vanished. But the embraced burned like a living coal in the soul and before Mark can even compose a reaction – the warmness had vanished – just like that.

 

“You look thinner.” Jinyoung scolded as he gathered the scattered things he dropped on the floor when he rushed to greet Mark.

 

Mark turned around and he saw his best friend looking handsome as ever - more than ever. Jinyoung had been away for a month – attending an internship in China along with Jackson and Jaebum.

 

Finals week was hell and as much as Mark had tried to focus on his literature essay due in an hour, he could not help but feel strangely excessive happiness – the past month without Jinyoung had been hell – had been the longest month of desperation and grief. There were times Youngjae had literally brought Coco to the apartment just to make Mark feel normal again.

 

To see Jinyoung in the flesh, and not in uploaded photos on Instagram, Twitter or snapchat, moved Mark to a strange exhilaration. His heart had been beating out of order and as his body swayed in a tempo he had not realized he was dancing into – next thing he knew, he was wrapping his arms around Jinyoung – tightly, protectively.

 

“You don’t know how much I’ve missed you.” He confessed, “Please don’t be away from me that long” He continued, “Again.”

 

Mark felt Jinyoung stiffened just momentarily but immediately relaxed right after, Jinyoung might just be surprised because Mark rarely initiates skinship. It took a while before he let go and as soon as he did, Jinyoung started teasing him again.

 

“Did you fall in love with me or something?”

Mark had hoped he knew back then what to say because it could have traversed into a different scenario in the present but Mark was too young – confused and scared. If he only knew how to determine the disparity if reality of fantasy, he could have had replied better.

 

“You wish.” Mark claimed as he slightly punched Jinyoung on his shoulders.

 

***

January 24, 2020

 

“What the hell happened to you?” Jinyoung greeted.

 

“And I’ve missed you too!” Mark replied while attempting to embrace his best friend. It felt surreal to finally see Jinyoung standing in front of him. The grueling winter vacation, the month-long break seemed longer than it actually was. But not a day did he miss calling Jinyoung on skype – even during the countdown for New Year’s Eve. He knew those weren't enough but the calls - simple text messages from Jinyoung during the times they were away from each other were enough to fuel Mark's body to function.

 

But it was a surprise, Jinyoung was reluctant to the hug and instead violently ruffled his newly dyed hair, “What did you do to your hair?” 

 

Mark cocked his read to right and looked at Jinyoung with confusion. “What? Doesn’t it look nice?” Mark currently sported a blonde hair. 

 

“It looks so nice I’m actually appalled” Jinyoung threw his hands in the air, while he walked passed Mark, “Now, you will definitely double your admirers.”

 

“And I don't want that.”

 

***

 

July 22, 2019

 

“Mark, I need you.” Jinyoung breathed into the phone and Mark heard suppressed sobs. Mark panicked, Jinyoung was never the one to show his weakness. He never once saw Jinyoung cried no matter stressed out he may seem.

 

“Jinyoung, what happened?” Mark shouted through the phone, he was currently in Busan attending a school associated camp – a final requirement for his course.

 

“I – I “ Jinyoung started crying and the words were muffled by his tears but Mark heard him clearly, “I didn’t get in” He said.

 

And Mark’s heart broke for he knew how desperate Jinyoung had tried to get into the internship in France. He worked hard – offered sleepless nights and even dropping some units so he could focus on making the perfect portfolio. Everyone though Jinyoung would be chosen because of his background and grade standing so it was an utter surprise to hear he didnt get in.

 

“I'm sorry” Jinyoung said after, “You should – I know you're busy. I'll call again tomorrow.”

 

“Jinyoung wai---” But the line went dead.

 

There's not a trace of hesitation when Mark packed his bags and forced himself out of camp and took the last bus from Busan to Seoul – the passing mark was disregarded, even the impending sanction for missing the camp – or the failed evaluation he might get from suddenly disappointing with notice. All Mark could think of was he needed to be there for Jinyoung.

 

After 4 hours, Mark went straight ahead to their shared apartment. He couldnt help but ring the doorbell continuously as he felt agigated and after quite some time, Jinyoung opened the door.

 

“What are you doing here?” Jiyoung was beyond surprised, “Aren’t you in Bus---?”

 

“Because you need me.” Mark replied and wasted no time as he held Jinyoung in his arms.

 

“I'll always be with you whenever you need me.”

 

 

 

***

November 24, 2018

 

It was not akin to a scene in a movie or an act in a theatrical release of a play - it didn't happen overnight nor because of an excessive gesture or the so called one big exceptional moment, but it consisted of various little moments - unmeasurable laughter, unforeseen moments and one liter of tears before Mark realized he had fallen in love with his best friend, Jinyoung.

 

And when he did realize that every stomach ache he encountered whenever Jinyoung flashed his bright eye-blinding smile or the sudden convulsion his heart underwent during the times Jinyoung offered selective skinship only to him, or when he felt awful over Jinyoung’s unnecessary closeness to anyone but Mark, or those moments when all he could think about was Jinyoung’s lips and how soft it felt when it accidentally touched his own for the first time- Mark had nowhere to go but face the impending doom of loving someone he can’t have.

 

“Hey, Mark!” Jinyoung waved at him, a take-out bag from Mark’s favorite Chinese restaurant on one hand.

 

Mark stayed glue on his spot, his heart grippingly forcing its way to leap in a violent manner.

 

Mark was, is, powerlessly in love with his best friend.

 

And he didn’t know what to do.

 

 

***

 October 27, 2017

 

It happened swiftly – unplanned, unexpected.

 

The aftermath was predestined to be awkward but Jinyoung was hysterically laughing uninterrupted. Mark, on the other hand, immobilized on his spot while a lot of things took a whirlwind ride on his mind. He’d have to end Jackson’s life for this was his entire fault – if he didn’t pushed Jinyoung then – then – then, god damn it, Wang Jackson. What would Jaebum think? The younger ones saw it too. But Jinyoung was completely okay with it.

 

“You taste like vanilla ice cream” Jinyoung claimed.

 

Mark’s heart hammered against his chest.

 

It was his first.

 

He never had one before.

 

Jinyoung was his first kiss.

 

And also his last. 

 

 

 

 

***

September 12, 2019

 

“Do you like someone?” Jinyoung asked over dinner. The two of them decided to stay at their shared apartment during the Chuseok holiday. Mark had no choice but to remain in Korea for it would be tiresome to fly back and forth to America and only spend a little time with his family. He opted to save his time and money and decided to stay.

 

Jinyoung was a completely different case though, it would took him a couple of hours to visit his family but he surprised Mark by choosing to stay with him and Jinyoung continued to startle him by dropping a question Mark was not ready to answer.

 

Mark forced a faint quivering smile, not really sure on what to respond. They promised not to lie with each other but answering Jinyoung’s question would lead to several unwanted possibilities - and endless queries Mark could not able to answer just yet.

 

“No” He chose to lie.

 

“Hmmm” Jinyoung replied and sighed.

 

Mark shivered, “Do you?”

 

Jinyoung looked straight into his eyes. “I’m not sure.” He said and after a while, Mark could hear his own heart beating crazily as Jinyoung let the words flow into the air.

 

“But yeah, I guess I do like someone.”

 

 

***

 

August 28, 2024

 

 

It was definitey not love at first sight nor a love that blossomed from a one night stand. But it was, is an affection – love that budded from an inadvertent varying circumstances. Mark was, is, undeniably, illogically, irreversibly in love with his best friend, Jinyoung, still.

 

And as he witnessed how the love of his life had agreed to spend his lifetime with a man not him, he felt his heart constrict in a varying levels of pain he could not imagine he could feel. And Mark's brain was filled with unnecessary moments of regrets. His mind was dazed and wandering in a mist of memories of what could have been – what should have been.

 

He knew right at this moment that he could not possibly turn it the other way around even if he currently had the courage to tell Jinyoung how much he loved, loves him – of how much he had tried to suppress his feelings but as Mark looked into Jinyoung's eyes – he could see the happiness they contained as they shined – shimmered because of another person – entirely not Mark.

 

Those glimmers were once for Mark but over time – they vanished and replaced by a whole different light – a greater, more powerful glimmer caused by someone else.

 

Mark could think of tons of memories, he would always – always blame his inability to step up for himself. He could have, would have, should have prevented this day from happening and he could only blame himself as the scenes of that particular moment dwell on his mind.

 

“Yes” Jinyoung, with noticeably tears in his eyes, had replied to a question Mark wanted to say but someone else had already did.

 

“Yes, Jaebum, I will marry you."

 

 

***

 

 

February 26, 2021

 

“Jaebum said he is in love with me” Jinyoung said one afternoon while they were in a middle of reviewing for their Communications Development 2, the last exam for the final leg of their university life. It was a desperate call and Mark realized it. Jinyoung's intent stare made Mark crumbled into pieces so he looked away, hand gripping the pen tightly.

 

“Does he make you happy?” Mark replied after a while, and he fought hard not to make it obvious that his hands were trembling. The statement wasn't really a surprised per se – it was like a ticking time bomb for quite a while – and Mark was just hoping – praying it would not be too soon. And as he said the question, he knew Jinyoung understood that it was not just a mere inquiry but a deeper messaged lingered in the air, more than me?

 

“Mark, Jaebum said he is in love with me” Jinyoung uttered, once again, a desperate call as if Jinyoung was waiting for Mark to argue with him, to pull him back – to prevent him from making the decision.

 

“Jinyoung” Mark replied, still not meeting Jinyoung's eyes because he felt that he could no longer prevent himself. Mark was a coward, was the stupidest person in the entire planet. He had loved Jinyoung too much that it hurt him to see Jinyoung unhappy and he knew someone else more deserving than him can make Jinyoung live in bliss and not in oblivion.

 

“I need to review”

 

Just this moment, Mark longed to travel back in time and reverse all the unplanned decisions he chose. Because maybe, just because maybe, this moment would have not happened. And he would have not said his most bull reply.

 

And instead of a confirmation, Mark heard a more heartbreaking reply.

 

Jinyoung nodded silently but with finality – no words were needed as Mark already got his reply when Jinyoung left him at the library.

 

And Mark knew back then, he lost to a fight he never engaged in – but wished he had joined. And as Jinyoung slowly walked away, Mark had the urge to pull him back – but he didn't.

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

“I love you.”

Unheard, unuttered.

 

 

“You will always have my heart”

The words Mark wanted to say but never did.