Yixing remembers that when he was a teenager, he kept dreaming about preforming in front of big crowds. He worked hard – practicing vocals day and night. However, no matter how hard he tried he wasn’t good enough. It was hard to process but after a while it became bearable. The company he wanted to get into as a trainee offered him a job as a composer/song-writer. The vocal coach seemed to have taken a liking to his songs and asked him if he’d like to join the company. At first Yixing wanted to decline. He was too disappointed in the company, in his coaches and in himself, but having a stable job seemed appealing and he agreed with a heavy heart. After some time he noticed that he loved his job. He loved when the singers’ faces brightened when they heard their new songs. He loved getting phone calls at unreasonable hours telling him his song got the band an award. Yixing didn’t get to preform but his music was still heard. Despite the odds, everything seemed to have worked out.

Not long ago he met Ahn Heeyeon – another singer with big hopes and ambitions. He fell in love at first sight. Lucky for him, his feelings were reciprocated. For a few months everything was perfect. Yixing kept writing hits after hits for Heeyeon, while she managed to make herself known to almost everyone in South Korea. She got recognized as one of the best female voices in the countrie and Yixing couldn’t be more proud.

Things changed, however. They got married. Heeyeon got pregnant. The day Heeyeon told about her pregnancy Yixing cried the whole evening hugging her tummy and telling both to the kid and to her how much he loves them and how he’d give everything for them. Thus Minseok was born. He let her chose the name of the  baby which earned him a complaint from his parents who had a hard time pronouncing Korean names. He was the cutest baby with fat cheeks and big eyes. Yixing’s mum kept calling the baby Xiumin, since Korean names were hard for her and after a while Heeyeon started doing that too. Yixing thought that was adorable. So it became the baby’s nickname. Heeyeon still singed but now she spent less time on dance practices and more at home with her husband and her son. When Xiumin was 2, they decided it was time for a second child. Yixing and Heeyeon both loved children so they wanted to have as many as they could get. Jongin was even more adorable than his brother. He had a button nose and round cheeks and Heeyeon kept biting his cheeks and getting amused scoldings from Yixing, since the baby definitely didn’t like being bitten. That, of course, didn’t stop Heeyeon. She was affectionate and touchy. Xiumin liked his baby brother ever since he first heard the news, but when he first saw the small baby in his mum’s hands, he came close to him and kissed his temple – a habit he got from his dad. The baby smiled and Yixing thought his heart would burst with happiness. Two years later they had Sehun. This time, when Xiumin met his new brother, he came near his cradle and said.

“Hello, Sehun. I’m your big brother. I’ll always protect you.”

Yixing felt his eyes watering from happiness and pride when he looked at the scene unfolding before him. He glanced at Heeyeon who was sobbing loudly. She was always so emotional. He hugged her and told her that he is the happiest person alive. And he was. Before the accident.

Heeyeon had to sing for a Christmas special. When she was coming back from the studio, a drunk driver crashed his car against hers. She died instantly. Minseok was 5,  Jongin - 3, Sehun was only a year old. After his mum’s death Minseok didn’t let anyone call him Xiumin and cried every time he heard that name. Jongin became quiet. He always played alone and barely spoke to his siblings or his dad. Yixing was utterly crashed.

 He tried to appear stronger for his sons and only allowed himself to suffer alone, when his kids were asleep and couldn’t hear his sobs. At the end of the second year after his wife had passed away, he met Jongdae. Jondae’s wife left him for some sugar daddy a few years ago, and even if Jongdae didn’t want his sons to grow up without a mum, it was better this way. Their feelings disappeared long time ago and at times Jongdae wondered if she’d ever marry him, if it wasn’t for her pregnancy. They met at the kindergarten, where they took Jongin and Chanyeol and bonded over single-dad problems. After some times they became close friends. A year later Jongdae confessed his feelings and Yixing rejected him. But after a week of not-gentle persuasion from his best friend Yifan, he realized that he deserved a second chance too. They begun dating and soon enough got married.

xxx

Finally. After a month of writing and rewriting songs and a few more weeks of recording NCT’s album was finally done. Yixing finally could return to being his affectionate-dad self. He entered the living room to see his one kid pestering the other.

“Minseok hyung, what’s wroooooong? Tell meeeeeeeeeeee.” Baekhyun kept pulling the poor boys hand, who seemed to be immerged in his homework.

“Nothing is wrong, Baekhyun, leave me alone.” Yixing might be imagining but Minseok sounded angry. That was new. He may occasionally fight with his brothers for annoying him, but he is never curt with them. Something must be wrong.

“See? You called me Baekhyun. You only call me that when you’re angry. Tell meeeeeeeeeeeee. Did anyone hurt you? I’ll kick their butts!” Beakhyun rolled his sleeves and shook his fist, trying to show how serious he was.

“No one hurt me. Go away.”

Minseok kept on looking at his book, even if he didn’t seem like he was reading something. Yixing went to his bedroom, where he was sure to find Jongdae. He always took a short nap after getting off his job and taking boys home from school. Jongdae wasn’t sleeping though.

“Is something wrong?”

Jongdae got startled, before noticing who was talking and getting up from the bed.

“Doesn’t Minseok seem weird to you?” So Baekhyun wasn’t the only Kim worried about Minseok.

“Not that I know of. Did he do something? He seemed normal when I saw him this morning.” If even Jongdae said something was wrong, there had to be something.

“Not really…. It’s just he didn’t talk during the whole ride home. Not even when Baek took away Jongin’s soda and you know how he gets when someone pesters his brothers. You know, when we get home, he tells me how his class went and then helps Chan and Jongin with their homework. Today he just put his books in front of him and ignored everyone. Even when the boys came asking him for help.”

Jongdae put his hands around Yixing’s neck. Yixing seemed to be in deep thought.

“I might be overreacting though. I mean, maybe he is just tired today.” Jongdae sighed deeply. ”Am I becoming an overprotective mother hen?”

Yixing chuckled and kissed Jongdae before replying.

“No, you are not. You just care for our son. It’s normal.” Yixing suddenly got serious. “I’ll talk to him. The last time he behaved like this was when…. He didn’t talk to any of us and became a loner. After all, he was very close to her.” Yixing’s voice always got quieter, when talking about his wife. The wound was still fresh.

“Oh… Then make sure to talk to him. I’m not the right person for this.”

“I will.”

xxx

Yixing did talk with Minseok, but he didn’t get  answers. Minseok was as stubborn as his dad, although this time Yixing wasn’t proud of it. Minseok just said that he had a long day and needed rest, that’s all. Yixing decided to give him some space. His sons knew that they could talk to him about anything and they usually did, but on their terms. So he waited.

Maybe he shouldn’t have.

xxx

Yixing was packing lunch for Chanyeol, Jongin and Sehun, while Jongdae was brushing Baekhyun’s hair. Minseok was sitting on the sofa waiting for the rest to be ready. After finishing with Baek’s hair, Jongdae rushed to make a sandwich for Minseok too. When he finished the sandwich, he called out for Minseok.

 “Xiumin, here’s your lunch. Put it in your bag.” If Jongdae’s back wasn’t facing the rest, he’d have noticed Yixing, Minseok and Jongin instantly freeze. When Jongdae didn’t get a reply, he turned around, noticing the tense atmosphere.

“What’s wrong?” Jongdae looked at the Zhangs but none of them spoke. Until finally…

“Don’t ever call me that!” Minseok shouted. Wait, what? Since when did Minseok begun shouting and at his parents none the less?

“Minseok, honey, what’s wrong?” Jongdae came to crunch down near his son trying to understand what got him so angry.

“Don’t call me Xiumin ever again! Only my mum can call me that. You are not my mum and you’ll never be!” Minseok’s words shot right through Jongdae’s heart. He was so confused and heartbroken that he couldn’t say anything.

“Minseok!” Yixing shouted back, when he noticed his husband’s eyes watering. “Apologize to your dad, now!”

“He is not my dad. He is your husband. He will never be my dad!”  Minseok shouted back, before going back to his room and closing the door.

Dead silence.

Chanyeol and Jongin silently took their lunch boxes, and went to wait for the school bus. Jongdae was still scrunching down, but his shoulders were shaking. Yixing finally could feel himself move and came to hug Jongdae.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with Minseok hyung, but he doesn’t think like that. I know it, daddy. He really loves you.” Baekhyun came to stand beside his dad and spoke with an unusual concerned voice. He his dad’s hair, like the latter usually did when Baekhyun was crying. “If he doesn’t, I’ll beat him up.” Baekhyun again pulled his sleeve and shook his fist, trying to look cute. He knew his dad could never resist his acting cute. Count on Bakehyun to try to make his crying dad smile.

“Baekhyunnie, take Sehun and go to school, please. I’ll sort this out. Pinky promise.” Yixing tried to do the same.

Baekhyun nodded and took Sehun’s hand, who was just as confused as the Kims and followed his older brother. Only when the door was shut, Yixing spoke.

“Baekhyun is right. I’m sure there is an explanation for his behavior. He loves you. He really does. I know it, trust me.” He kept kissing his husband’s hair, trying to comfort him.

“I just… I-I never tried to take Heeyeon’s place. You know it too. And I always treated him like my son. I wanted him to be happy. I tried to be a good that. What did I do wrong?” Jongdae sounded so broken. Yixing could only imagine how he felt. He’d be in a worse condition if Baekhyun or Chanyeol said something like that to him.

“It has nothing to do with your attitude to him. You treat him like your son. You are a good dad. Don’t ever question it. He must have lost it because of ‘Xiumin’. Now that I think of it… where did you even get that?”

This momently stopped Jongdae’s crying. He raised his head, which allowed Yixing to wipe his tears.

“Isn’t it his nickname? I was going through your old photos yesterday and noticed that all his old photos had ‘Xiumin’ written on them. I thought he’d like to be called that again.” Jongdae genuinely looked confused. It was just a nickname, wasn’t it? What was the fuss about?

Yixing sighed deeply before replying.

“’Xiumin’ is the nickname Heeyeon gave him.” Jongdae’s lips formed an ‘oh’. He must have put things together. ”I never used that nickname after the accident. He didn’t allow any of us to ever say it. I must have told you before – among the kids he took her… her death the hardest. He was very close to her. I guess, that’s why he said all those things. He didn’t mean them really.”

“Oh.” Jongdae didn’t know what to say.

“Yeah, oh, indeed.” Yixing smiled sadly. ”I’ll talk to him.”

 xxx

Yixing knocked thrice, but Minseok still didn’t respond.

“Minseok, please, open the door. I promise I won’t get mad at you. I just need to talk.” Yixing really meant it. He didn’t want to scold him, not too much at least. He just wanted to understand. His son was behaving weird lately and he should have found it out sooner. It was all his fault.

The door clicked and he opened the door to find a crying Minseok behind it. He hugged his son for a while, just letting him to cry his heart out. When the kid quieted down, he made him sit on the carpet beside him and talk.

“I’m sorry, daddy. I didn’t mean to offend Dad.” He did seem apologetic.

“Then why did you do it?” Yixing tried not to sound disappointed so his son would answer him honestly.

“He called me ‘Xiumin’. You know I don’t like it.”

“He didn’t know it, sweetheart. I never told him. But he knows now and he promises to never call you that.”

After a short pause, Yixing continued.

“But there was something else too, right? You’ve been acting weird lately. I didn’t want to force you to answer, but now your dad is crying because he thinks his son doesn’t love him. I think we both deserve to know what made you shout at him like that.”

Minseok lowered his head and mumbled.

“I keep forgetting her.”

This was not what Yixing expected to hear.

“My teacher asked us to write about our best memory with our mums, so I wanted to write about her. When I tried to write something I couldn’t remember anything.” Minseok begun crying again. ” I could only remember her hand. And how she took me to swim on my birthday. And that she made me eat honey every morning to have a good memory like hers. But I don’t remember her face! No matter how much I tried I couldn’t remember it. Daddy, what if I forgot about my mum forever?”

  Yixing just hugged Minseok, trying to control his tears as well. He knew this pain all too well. Ever since he begun dating Jongdae he was terrified of forgetting his Heeyeon. He didn’t want to forget her. She was the part of his life, the part of him. After her death all that remained to him were his three sons and their memories. Nothing else. And he desperately tried to hold on to them, but he never imagined his son is going through it as well. Not even in his worst nightmare, he could come up with a scenario in which his 9-year-old is terrified he’d forget his mother.

“Minseok, dear, listen to me well alright? When I started dating Jongdae I was afraid too. I was just like you. I thought if I find a new person to love I’d forget her.”
“Did you forget her?” Minseok looked up clearly hoping for a negative answer.

“How could I ever forget her? Remember when her old classmate thought you were a girl because of your long hair, and your mum wanted to play a prank on her and for 5 months every time she was at our house, your mum called you ‘Mina’?” At this Minseok laughed.” Remember when you two made a song for me on my birthday and sung it when I came home? Remember how she always punished the table for hurting your toes, whenever you stubbed it against the table?” Minseok nodded, smiling at the memories.

“Until you remember the small things, like her loud laugh, or the birthday gift she gave you, or even her hands, as long as you think about her you’d never forget her. You don’t have to push you mum out of your heart to make room for Jongdae.”

Minseok thought before nodding slowly.

“Great, now let’s clean your face. She’d be so angry with me if she saw I made you cry. You were always her favorite.”

“She loved you too, dad” Minseok tried to reassure.

“I know she did. I loved her too.”

xxx

They found Jongdae in Yixing’s and his bedroom, staring at a wall without any trace of emotion on his face. Yixing encouraged Minseok to go apologize and left the room. Actually, he was hiding behind the door, but Minseok didn’t need to know that.

“Daddy, I’m sorry.” Minseok said while standing near the door. He didn’t want to see his daddy’s face strained with tears because of him.

Jongdae didn’t move.

“I’m sorry for shouting and I’m sorry for saying those things. I was lying. I really love you like my dad.” At this Jongdae turned around. He set up on his side of the bed and looked at Minseok.

“Really?”

“Yes, I really do. You always make breakfast for me, always make sure Jongin’s Mr. Waddles and Mr. Piglet are near him, always read stories at night and make dinosaur noises. You take care of Dad and never let him work at nights. He is happy. And we are happy too.”

 Minseok was talking sincerely. He wasn’t sure when his father said he wants to get married again, but Jongdae was so nice to them and he was so lucky for getting such a good new dad.

Jongdae didn’t say a word. He came towards Minseok and hugged him tightly.

“I’m sorry for saying that nickname. I didn’t know. If I knew I wouldn’t say it.”

“Thank you, Dad. I really love you.”

“I really love you too.”