So this is what it feels like, 

to be used and replaced, 

to get your hopes high only to watch it crumble, 

to love someone so deeply thinking they feel the same for you, but they don't, and they won't. 

So this is what it feels like to break my own heart to let you out - to let you go and wish you happiness. 

This... emptiness and darkness. 

"I'm happy for you." 

Should I still say that when I'm this miserable? 

I always wondered what made you fall for me - or if you actually fell in love with me. I always doubted your love, but I said nothing. Everything was perfect between us, I thought. Because that's what I wanted, I desperately believed in that thought. 

Sehun-ah, I know telling what I felt and feel about us before doesn't matter anymore because you're already with someone else. But I have to say these. 

I thought we would never end. Three years, and we decided to end it after all. He asked to stay, but I know - I actually felt it - that he didn't want to anymore. I knew we weren't together because he wanted me. We were together because he wanted to change something about himself, though I wasn't sure what, because to me he was perfect. Almost perfect. 

How did I get into this relationship in the first place? Well, I was so in love with Sehun. In high school, he was the only one I liked, no one else. I liked him despite not knowing his name. I liked him even though he looked back towards me. I liked him even more when he sat beside me on the floor at the library, just reading without saying a word to me. I liked him because he was reading the same book as I. 

I thought he was very mysterious yet beautiful. And I wondered why he chose to sit beside me. I probably expected too much, had my hopes too high, thought he wanted to get to know me. 

We were like that for so long however, not knowing each other's names. Just sitting next to each other at the library and me admiring every details of his face. I had wanted to say hi or pretend I dropped something next to him or pretend I have fallen asleep so he'd wake up and eventually notice my very existence. I imagined doing those countless times, just like a child. 

After school, I'd walk on the same route with him and we'd wait for the same train at the same time, without a word to each other. In silence, I'd just admire him from the corner of my eyes. I'd smile to myself and hear people say that I'm crazy, which I didn't mind, 'cause Sehun made me happy, and I didn't want to stop being happy because of him. In silence, I looked at him and admired him more and more each day.

 It took me a year to finally say something to him. It was in the train. We were literally in front of each other, both of us standing with me gazing at him, and him trying to get some sleep. 

I thought I couldn't take it anymore, that I had to know him. I had to know whether I should stop liking him or not. I had to stop something either way. 

"Do you remember me?" Was the first stupid question I asked from him. I remember him meeting my gaze then, his eyes were so dark and hollow, yet captivating. It was the first time he looked at me for that long. The first time just had to be a confused Sehun looking at me like I'm some kind of stalker - which was technically true, sadly. 

"I'm sorry?" Was his uncertain reply. 

I had no idea why I asked him if he remembered me. It's not like we were acquaintance or something. I don't know, I guess I just wanted to know if he ever noticed me following him. 

The first time we officially met, just had to be shocking. I would never forget his shocked expression when I confessed I liked him. The memory had been stuck in my mind, like a beautiful nightmare.

"What's your name?" He asked a few minutes after my lame confession.

"Sena," I replied, sensing my cheeks burning in embarrassment.

"And why do you like me?"

"That... I don't know. I just do," I answered stupidly.

"Do you know me?" He raised a brow.

"You're the person I like," I said, smiling. "I don't know your name though."

He laughed. "Wait a sec," he continued to laugh out loud, making everyone turn at our direction. "You like me but you don't know my name?"

"What's wrong with that?!" I felt humiliated at some point. "You can just give me your name later," I mumbled shyly. 

"How can you like someone who doesn't even have name to you yet?" He asked, his voice softer and quieter. I could no longer control the loud pounding of my stubborn heart. 

"Your mysteriousness is captivating," I  mumbled. "My other reasons are a secret." 

He smirked. The kind of smirk that could stop your heart, luckily, I survived. "You're something, Sena," he admitted. 

I blushed and stuttered as I asked, "your name?" 

"Sehun." 

I blushed even more. "I think our names match, Sehun." Too straightforward, I had thought. 

That day, he just smiled at me. The silly childish me thought there was something in his smile. Perhaps, some kind of agreement to my statement? 

Sehun and I started as strangers, then we became friends. We went to the library together and I enjoyed every day being with him. We would go out to get something to eat, like noodles or ice cream. We would take the same train together and he'd walk me home.

Then we started dating suddenly. He said he liked me, and gave me my first kiss. He said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, with a hint of sadness in his shimmering dark orbs, something I failed to understand. 

I was so happy back then. I was too happy that I even told everyone I know how happy Sehun made me. I was too happy that I failed to notice something wasn't right. 

It started when Luhan, Sehun's childhood best friend, showed up. 

I thought I was the leading lady in Sehun's life. I thought I was in my own love story, that I was going to be the lucky one who gets the man of her dreams, but Luhan came back into Sehun's life, and I became second in everything. 

Don't get me wrong... it's not like I hate Luhan. He's a good person, a good friend. He was oblivious. Cheerful. The happy-go-lucky type of guy. He was the best friend. He's a man, a petite one. 

A lot of times we hung out together. Me,  Sehun, and him. I had a lot of snaps about them. I had never seen Sehun smile like that with him, his smile was different whenever he was with Luhan, I knew that. His concern for Luhan was even better than his concern for me. 

One call or text from Luhan - and he'd leave me behind, as if I was never with him. He'd just run off, without saying what happened or where he's going or whatever. He'd just go. 

I didn't mind that, because I already loved him. I thought he probably just cared a lot for Luhan, I didn't think my boyfriend would be gay for him. Though I had my doubts, what was I going to say to him? Confront him if he's gay or something? 

I didn't believe any of that. That he was either in love with someone else or he had fallen out of love with me or that he's gay. I didn't believe any of that. 

Because I loved him too much. I carried my own doubts and worries with me.

 I continued watching them in their own happy world as I silently trembled with fear of losing Sehun. For years. 

I continued listening to Sehun's lies, and unfortunately enjoyed all his lies. The obvious lie that he loves only me, no one else. 

I continued noticing the way he looked at Luhan, and continued wishing he'd look at me the same way he looks at him. 

I carried all these burden with me for years, until I couldn't anymore. Why? Why couldn't I just stay quiet about it? I loved him too much, and it started to hurt too much. My chest was heavy and it still is every time I remember the first man I loved. 

I felt like I had trapped him for years. I felt like he was only waiting for me to end us. I didn't want to. I wanted to be with him forever. I wanted him to love me more than I love him. So I asked him, hoping for an honest answer. 

"O-Of course. I love you, Sena." 

But they were all lies. I could see through his eyes, something wasn't right when he said those words. 

So I asked, "how about Luhan?" 

He stammered. "What do you mean?" 

"Don't you love him more than you love me?" I asked, tears streaming down my face. I tried to put on a smile, but I'm pretty sure it came out like a pathetic sad smile. I watched Sehun open his mouth to say something, but he ended up not saying a word. His look was downcasted and I worried I was right. "I'm right, right?" I asked, part of me not wanting to hear his answer while the other part was dying to know. "I'm not stupid, Sehun... You've been in love with him all this time, haven't you?" 

He bit his lip, avoiding my gaze as if in shame. 

"You've been in love with him before you met me, am I right? If you're not gonna say anything, I'm just gonna assume that what I saw is true. You're very different when you're with him, and it's not just because you guys are best friends, am I right?" 

"S-Sena..." 

"Is it because I'm a girl?" I croaked, my voice so brittle and broken now. I didn't want to say it, but I felt like I had to if he were to stay or not. "Or is it simply because I'm not Luhan? Am I not as good as him?" 

"Sena, please stop. It's not like that, please," he begged, and looked at me with regret, with tears in the corner of his eyes. 

"I need to hear your answer. I need to know, Sehun. I'm so tired of thinking about these, about you, about us. If you don't really love me, just tell me, please," I pleaded. "If you're gay and not into me, I need to know. You're driving me crazy. Tell me. Are you..." 

"I am," he eventually confessed and I broke down as he tried to console me. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." 

He begged me if he could stay with me. He promised me he'd change and stop the feelings he had for his best friend. He promised me all those things that I should've wanted to believe, but I pushed him away. 

I pushed him as far as I could, and begged him to never come back. 

He broke my heart, but he wouldn't go away. He tried to clung onto me, so I broke my own heart to let him out - to let him go find his happiness. I've always thought that I wasn't his happiness and that I'll never be his happiness because he's hopelessly in love with someone I'll never be.

Luhan. 

So this is what it feels like to fall so hard. 

Everything's quiet and dark.

I feel empty and lost. 

I want to wish them happiness, but I can't say it out loud. I want to see them together, in person, but I know it'll only break me more. It's been almost a year since Sehun and I ended it, since he managed to pursue his true happiness without someone like me stopping him. I often see them posting pictures together online, and with that I break slowly yet over and over and again. 

I type "I'm happy for you" in the comment box, but fail to click send - every time I try. 

Should I be happy? 

Should I pretend I am? 

Should I still say that when I'm this miserable? 

I broke my own heart for him. To let him go. So, this is what it feels like. Am I to blame or should I blame both of them for loving each other? 

Sehun and Luhan, I wish I could be happy for you two.

Maybe someday, my heart would no longer drown with the weight of our broken promises, our broken love.

A:N; Lol it's kinda fun typing on my phone but I think I have a lot of mispellingss and wrong grammar so please forgive me ehehe ^^