I see you walking hand in hand with your (new) best friend. I see you laugh together while walking to school,in every class you both have,lunch time, and while the two of you walk home. Together, always together. I can't help but watch your new source of happiness, what you used to call me before you got her. I wish I could say that she stole my spot from me but I know that I can't. I closed myself from you, making it easier for someone else to come in. I did that not because I wanted less of you but because I wanted more.

I was afraid. Afraid of the feelings that were consuming me every time you looked at my eyes. Avoiding your eyes was the first step I took. Then your face, then your soothing voice, then the world. My world which consisted of everything I loved. You were at the center of it all. Irene, the name that my world orbited.

Before you I had no one that brought me joy. Nobody's eyes to get lost in. No one to sing me to sleep or a person that was willing to shoulder the weight of my thoughts. Before you I was an emtpy soul wondering through life. Your voice was music that took me away from the loud noises of my house. I grew up hearing my father's thundering tenor voice and my mother's soft soprano cries. You came and made the noises smaller, avoidable. Your soft hands pulled me out of my room, my small little world and into your vast and colorful one. Everything amazed me and I don't think I will ever be that happy.

With every new experience, I discovered new emotions. From immeasurable joy to uncontrollable heart ache. The school that I once found cold and cruel was a garden of new emotions waiting for me to discover. All because you, the sun that fed the garden, had chosen to let me into your warm embrace. Never had I imagined that my bleak life could ever be so full of color. I also never imagined returning to the past either, but here I am back into the colorless cruelty of living. Alone with the unavoidable noises of my thoughts. 
Watching you live happily from afar is both a gift from the heavens and a punishment by the heavens for feeling such impure emotions. Ever since my name came out from your mouth my heart never responded to any other sound. I never cared for the electrifying sensation that went through me when you took hold of my hand, intertwining our fingers. I never minded the racing of my heart every time you met my eyes or the way my stomach responded to your every touch. The words that laid at the tip of my mouth was also ignored. 

The only thing I knew was that you were my happinesss and no matter what I should never lose you, but later on I saw how different I felt from you. The look you gave was different from mine. Your voice never lost its volume when you spoke to me,never had any breaks. Your cheeks never got any shade of color when we were too close. My insecurities got louder and whispered to me of all of the things I lacked. My insecurities whispered how unworthy I was to have your warmth. I tried to ignore the whispers until you confessed your emotions. To the one you loved. To the luckiest girl in this world. 

Wendy Son was a new student from Canada. She was a fun and sweet girl. She was also one of the nicest human being I had ever come across. Wendy was everything I wasn't, she didn't seem to have any flaws at all. Wendy had offered her friendship to me and I had accepted with no second thought, how foolish of me. I thought I had nothing to worry about. You didn't talk as freely with her as you did with me nor did you call her name with the same tone as did you with mine. That was also foolish of me as I had forgotten how persistent Wendy was, how lovable she was. 

A month later and you were freely talking to Wendy. I started to fear Wendy taking my spot (did I ever even have a 'spot' for her to take?) and that fear became my wrong doing. Jealousy made me lock myself up again. Made me retreat into my small world and ignore the two of you. Of all the new emotions Wendy was now starting to discover because of you. You did come looking for me at first but as you got closer to Wendy you came less frequently. School was starting to go back into being as cold as it was before. The sun moving to a spot where it felt more wanted. I also began to realize just how loud the noise was at home. Went back to hearing my father's shouts and my mother's cries. Started to see the broken glases again, the smell making me dizzy. I saw purple, your favorite color, more clearly on pale skin. 

I had also put a definition to the feelings I felt during my retreat.  The answer I discovered troubled me even more. I feared of what you would think and how you would react. I didn'tbwant to lose you. In the end though I did lose you. When Wendy had told me of how she felt for you I panicked. I knew that I was going to lose you if I didn't say anything. Telling you of how I felt was a step I was too cowardly to take. I tried to find out if you loved me or if you loved Wendy instead, I observed and observed, until that was all I could do. Until all I could do was watch the two of you.
You later confessed to me of how you felt for Wendy as well. I knew that I had to get rid of my feelings for you since you could never be mine. I acted like your best friend, I gave you advice and support. I told you that Wendy felt the same and I even helped you confess. The letter of your love and the sweet words you said were the words that I wanted to tell you. The words that I ignored until it was too late to say. You showed me a world bright and colorful, then you sent me back into my bleak and colorless life. Every time you said my name my heart responded immediately with joy fluttering it's wings, but now when you call me it gives my heart so much pain. Even so I don't think I can ever live without hearing you call my name and so I will keep watching, always, by your side. 

"Seulgi!" Irene called
"Seulgi! Come on its time to go."

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A/N : Thank you for reading a beginner writers short story.