He was shaking and tears were streaming down his face. He had been feeling down the whole day and used a headache as an excuse when the boys wanted to eat out. He reassured them he would eat at the hotel and that he would take care of himself. Hyungsik was at a point where he didn't even know what 'caring for himself' meant anymore. He had lost himself in all those comments about him, in all the hatred towards him. He couldn't handle all this anymore. Music was playing over his earphones while he was waiting for the relieving numbness after he had been crying for a long time. He didn't even know when things got so badly out of hand, when he started to feel lonely and miserable. Even right now he felt like no one cared. Hadn't he expressed him being unwell? How could everyone just go like "Then take a nap and eat something. Everything's will be alright after that." How could they turn their backs on him just like their fans did?

Hyungsik didn't know where the anger suddenly came from. Of course they would turn their backs on him, if he could he would turn his back on himself right now. Nevertheless they were his friends, the people who should be beside him. Couldn't they see him suffering? Why didn't they know? Of course he tried not to show how miserable he was. Hyungsik knew their lifes were not easy either but couldn't they care a little more? Couldn't they dig just a little deeper to see his hidden feelings? Couldn't they help him finding his way out of this dead end he had reached? He had lost his way inside of a maze and couldn't seem to finde neither the end nor the beginning. He was drowning in himself and it hurt so bad that people did not just not help him but even threw rocks at him while he was struggling staying alive.

Slowly Hyungsik became calm again. He laid down on the bed, again listening to music. His rage had just disappeared and had made space for resignation. He had lost all hope and energy. Suddenly everything became clear again. His way out of his maze. It was not the first time this way appeared in front of him but it was the first time it was so tempting he couldn't resist anymore. He was full of all this 'He has everything, he has to be happy' and 'Why aren't you smiling? Do you hate us so much? Don't forget we're the ones buying your albums and feeding you that way. You're our puppy you have to wag your tail when we demand it.'.

Hyungsik took his phone and dialed the number of his parents. They didn't pick up. Sure. Why should he have one last conversation with his most beloved and trusted persons.
"Eomma... Appa.. I miss you so much right now. I love you. I'm sorry for all the wrongs I have done to you in the past..." He had to pause because he had to think about the words he was going to say to them. This would be the last thing they'd hear from him. "You're the best parents a child could wish for. Thank you for always supporting me. Please never lose your smiles. I can never put in words how much I love you.." After taking a few deep breaths thinking hard if he should say something else. "I'm sorry you have to put up with a son like me. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry I just can't simply disappear from this world to save you from what's going to happen now. Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine." He ended his call and looked at his phone.
He opened Instagram lifting his mobilephone, looking for a nice angle for a picture and smiled at the camera when he pushed the button to take the picture. His eyes were puffy and his face still showed stains of the tears as well as some red spots that came from crying that much. Hyungsik let out a deep sigh and put some filters on top until his face was looking flawless.

Showing you this hoping you will remember that way forever. Stop hatred because hatred will lead to you finally uncovering the truth.

He tagged the photo and uploaded it on his Instagram account. After rethinking for a few seconds he also uploaded the original one.

The truth is never as nice as the things you want people to see. Not caring hurts people. Not caring kills people.

He turned off his phone, getting up from the bed und walking into the bathroom. There it was - his beloved numbness. And more.. he felt light just as if a burden had fallen from his shoulders. Hyungsik filled the bathtubt and closed the door before stepping in front of the mirror. He looked into the mirror, hesitating for a moment, before he took the razor blade and pressed it hard against the flesh at his wrist. It stung, nevertheless he pulled it left without looking away from his reflection even one second. Just when he felt the blood running down his arm he looked at what he'd done and again his whole body became light. Now without hesitation he repeated the same procedure at his other arm before stepping into the warm water of the tub. He sat down, closing his eyes. He felt peace. He felt relaxed. And he began to feel sleepy and tired. His heart started to race and he could hear the drum of his own heart in his ears when he slowly let himself sink into the water, feeling every inch of water that covered his face. Finally he found his way out of his maze. That's what he thought at least but again someone had to put a wall right in front of him.

Hyungsik was brutally pulled out of the warmth and greeted with a hard and cold floor and shouting.

"Get out! Don't look! Call an ambulance! NOW!" He knew he should have known who was shouting but his mind was to clouded and he was to tired. Couldn't they at least let him die? Couldn't they at least respect this last wish? "Get me an first-aid box! And a blanket!" No.. they couldn't.

"Hyung...." It was a small whimper that escaped Hyungsiks mouth and suddenly he felt strong arms around him.

"Shhh.. don't talk. Everything will be okay. I'm here now. And I won't let you go right now. Stay with me.. stay awake.." The voice was gentle now but still.. he couldn't say who was talking to him. Was it even one of his friends?

"I'm tired... tired of all this.... please let me sleep.." It was hard to talk. It was hard to try to focus. His eyes were blurred he couldn't see anything clear. The person laid him down again and he felt strong hands on his wrists, before he was put in a blanket and liftet up.

"Bloody idiot..." The voice said and Hyungsik let out a deep breath.

"I'm sorry....." was what came along with it.