Title: I don't know you anymore
Beta: fanfan69
Pairing: YunJae
Universe: DBSK - post-lawsuit
Genre: Drama
Rating: PG
Warning: major angst
Disclaimer: Based on Savage Garden's I Don't Know You Anymore. I own nothing but the plot.

Summary: The picture frames have changed and so has your name.

I don't know you anymore

Everyone's got an agenda, don't stop
Keep that chin up, you'll be all right
Can you believe what a year it's been
Are you still the same?
Has your opinion changed?

'Keep that chin up, you'll be all right.' A phrase that is well impregnated inside your mind. Every day you chant it to yourself, every day ChangMin would remind you of its meaning.

“Do not fret, hyung. We will manage just fine. Even without them,” a constant muttered remark of your younger bandmate meant to keep you sane; to not give up. The only one left was him. Together with you. You do not know how it had come to this. You do not know how you could have prevented it from happening. You were left behind to pick up the pieces that was once a treasure of your heart. And you could do nothing but keep going.

You do not talk about it in public. Not even in privacy do you want to talk about it. The cut is too fresh. Too deep. You do not have the strength nor the will for it. ChangMin understands you just all too well. He does not voice his anger. He does not show his hurt. He does not let you feel the betrayal gnawing on his heart. You just do not have the will to see it. You know. Of course you know. ChangMin feels abandoned, and you left alone.

Constantly you are reminded of them. Of your shared past. Of him. You do not dare to read about them. You do not dare to contact them. But you catch yourself one too many times following their every activity. Have they changed? Are they still the same? You wonder about it whenever you come across a picture. A tweet. An Article. Has their opinion changed?

More than once a sad smile tugs on your lips. More than once you trace the screen of your laptop to caress his skin on a virtual picture. Has he gotten thinner? Where has his smile gone? Was he not happy? Was that not what he had wanted? It always brings a painful sting to your heart. Was he not happy?

You do not dare analyze with ChangMin. You do not dare provoke the youth at his most vulnerable state. For him you keep going. For your fans you hold the name of Dong Bang Shin Ki high. For them you keep those memories precious.

I know I let you down
Again and again
I know I never really treated you right
I've paid the price
I'm still paying for it every day

A puff of bitter smoke leaves your lush lips when you exhale into the night sky. Your eyes linger on that familiar constellation of stars sparkling in the sky. You count them. Every single one of them. One, two, three, four. You halt for a second, an expression of sorrow crossing your features. Five. You take another drag of your cigarette.

You let the bitter smoke linger in your lungs before you exhale, your head dropping onto your knees with a sigh. You stub the cigarette into your ashtray and pull your legs closer to yourself. The night is cool against your skin and you do not want to go back inside. The piercing coldness does you good, keeps you from the haunting thoughts. Thoughts of them. Thoughts of him.

You miss him. Greatly. But you do not have the right to miss him you chide yourself. You let him down. One too many times. And missing him, both of them, is the price you have to pay. You feel alone albeit you are not. You feel sad albeit this was what you wanted. You deliberately forget to take care of yourself because there is no one left to look out for you. You have YooChun and JunSu by your side, but you are alone. All alone.

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

With heavy feet you drag yourself into the apartment. You spare a glance through the still hallway. ChangMin is not there. No one is. You do not recognize this place. It is not how it used to be. Your eyes linger on an old picture. Five men. Five smiling faces. You gulp at the lump forming in your throat, blink away the wetness gathering in your eyes. You glide the tips of your fingers gently over the glassy surface when your eyes wander over the framed memory. A tear escapes your eyes when you register. Everything has changed. Your homes. Your fans. Your pictures. Their name. The meaning of their name.

Your eyelids drop at that and you realize tears are staining your cheeks. Their names have changed. They are no longer a part of you. You do not talk with them. They do not talk with you. You want to, but no one would let you. Does he try to contact you? Does he follow your renewed activities? The hope of that he does, lets your heart sting. You want to see him again. You want to hear his laugh again. You want to lace your fingers with his again. You want to redefine what never really had a name.

I would like to visit you for a while
Get away and out of this city
Maybe I shouldn't have called but someone had to be the first to break
We can go sit on your back porch
Relax
Talk about anything
It don't matter
I'll be courageous if you can pretend that you've forgiven me

It is a crisp Sunday morning when you grab the keys to your car and drive out of Seoul. You do not know what has come over you but you want to see him. You want to hear his voice. You want to embrace him again. Far too early you reach his new home. You couldn't even remember how you found out. Oh yes. You read it on a fansite. Or maybe a discussion between fans. You follow too many sites to get any glimpse of them to even remember where what came from. But it does not matter. You stand in front of his door, your heart pounding in your chest.

'Maybe I shouldn't have called,' you wonder but you listen to the voice of hope telling you that maybe he had listened to his voicemail. If he did, he might not be home. If he did, he might have waited for your arrival. You gnaw nervously on your bottom lip when your finger presses down tentatively on the bell. The sound is shrill and clear. You close your eyes when the erratic beating of your heart drowns out every other sound. You do not register foot steps from behind the door coming closer. You do not register a lock to be unlocked. You only open your eyes when the door of his apartment opens.

You just stand there, looking at him as he looks at you. None of you says a word. You fidget nervously in front of him and mutter the first thing that comes to your mind, “I did not think you would-”

“I got your call,” he interrupts and his voice is still as warm and soothing as you remember. You are left speechless at that and remain silent. You just stare at one another before he opens the door wider. “You can come in, you know,” he mutters and you have the decency to flush in embarrassment.

“Sorry for the intrusion,” you mumble and before you even set a single foot inside the new apartment, you are encased in strong arms and caged against a warm chest.

“I've missed you,” he breathes so lightly into your ear that you can't help but shudder. Maybe, you let yourself believe, maybe he has forgiven you.

Because I don't know you anymore
I don't recognize this place
The picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't talk much anymore
We keep running from the pain
But what I wouldn't give to see your face again

I see your face
I see your face