Kyung has learned to live with it, this weary sadness that settles in his chest when it's been long since the last time he saw Jiho. It isn't something dramatic, he's more than used to missing him, had to get used to it day by day, year by year.

 

He compares it to nights of insomnia, sometimes; when it takes you hours to fall asleep because you're thinking too much, but you aren't even sure what you're thinking about. And when you finally fall asleep, you dream weird things that you always forget as soon as you open your eyes. And you wake up, disoriented, cold at five in the morning, and for a minute nothing makes sense, you feel like something is wrong, crooked, and you aren't sure if it's something around you or inside of you. Until you realize you're lying down in a weird angle, across the bed, and you reposition yourself, and lay there for long minutes that feel like hours, waiting for whatever that is misplaced to go back to its place now that you got back to your right place in bed. But it never happens, and while you wait, minutes actually turn into hours, and the alarm clock goes off. You get out of bed with your left foot and heavy eyes and this pinch in your chest that won't go away until that something (someone) you don't know how to call goes back to a place you don't know where it is, don't know if it's around you, inside of you (probably next to you).

 

So yes, Kyung has gotten used to it, used to sleepless nights and to that part of him that feels weird, empty, or broken; that part he knows Jiho fills, or fixes (he's always been there to fix Kyung, since they were kids; he's still there, now, even if they are running out of time).

 

But lately, it's getting worse, and he definitely isn't used to it getting worse, emptier. He's afraid emptiness will swallow him whole.

 

---

 

Jiho is wearing himself down.

 

It isn't something new, he's always been addicted to work, he's that kind of person that feels useless when they stay still for more five minutes. He's overflowing with creativity, his mind is one step deeper and three seconds faster than the rest of the world, he has to write everything down in song lyrics in order not to lose track of his own thoughts, not to leave himself behind.

 

Sometimes Kyung wonders why he moved out of their dorm, why he's spending money on his own apartment when he practically lives in his studio, sleeps between beats and feeds himself with rhymes.

 

If Kyung weren't so envious, if his pride wasn't so easily damageable, he would probably stop him. He would burst into Zico's studio after Taeil calls him one evening to tell him Jiho has only went out twice this week, only because of more job, interviews and underground performances. He would burst in there and drag his out of his chair, he would force him to get some sleep and proper food, and would take him out with him to meet the rest of the group. But this time, Jiho has gotten so lost between his lyrics he's even forgotten about Kyung.

 

And Kyung knows, he knows it's for the sake of the group. Even if Zico loves to mistreat himself and work until he falls asleep on his keyboard after being awake for more than 24 hours straight, he knows he does it because it's just the way he is, eager and greedy. He wants to get as high as he can, wants to reach the top, stay there with his group. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, when your best friend hasn't contacted you in weeks.

 

Just as Jiho feels useless when he stops working for five minutes, Kyung feels useless when people stop needing him. He's just as eager and greedy, he wants to have a reputation as an artist, he loves popularity and recognition and good music and awards, he wants everything and more. But he's never been as good as Jiho, at least not in the eyes of a good part of the world (he's always been better than him, in Jiho's eyes, he's always been the best). So he enjoys that warm feeling in his chest when Zico calls him to help him finish a song, it makes him feel like Jiho wouldn't be where he is right now without him, makes him feel needed, wanted.

 

But it's changing, now. It's something progressive and linked to the weary sadness of missing Jiho. He doesn't call him anymore, doesn't ask for his help (doesn't ask for anyone's help), Zico finishes songs on his own and gets more successful and even greedier as time goes by. Kyung masks it with envy, the pinch on his chest, he says he's envious of Jiho's success (and he is), because it's easy, he knows how to deal with envy, it is like the third-wheel of their relationship, an old friend that even Jiho is accustomed to.

 

The fear of his best friend leaving him behind is new, scary, the kind of thing you avoid at all costs but still keeps you awake at night, when everything is so quiet there's no way to shush your own thoughts.

 

Being crooked inside isn't familiar, either. Missing Jiho like he does, missing being needed, wanted (loved), isn't familiar. So he masks it with envy because his pride is too big to do something about it.

 

Jiho has always been there to fix Kyung, and Kyung used to be there to stop Jiho before he even broke down, but his pride won't let him burst into Zico's studio and get him out of his black hole this time, even if he knows he'll escape his own emptiness if he does.

 

---

 

Kyung hates being anxious and sad. He hates when people can see how anxious and sad he is. That's why he's a master of acting, living surrounded by cameras so many years has forced him to learn how to fake people out. He's too good at it now, so good that people are too used to the chirpy side of him to even consider there's more to it.

 

He loves making people uncomfortable, but the kind of uncomfortable that comes with embarrassment and laughter. His favourite pastime is teasing the other members on camera. He knows he's intelligent, the cleverest out of them all, and he loves to use his intelligence to make people laugh.

 

Kyung also hates making people uncomfortable, the kind of uncomfortable that comes with concerned looks and careful moves. It's what happens when he's feeling blue, his friends act as if he's a wounded animal, treat him gently, tiptoeing around him, and he feels like a burden, he feels made of glass, easily breakable. He hates feeling vulnerable (he wonders why he misses Jiho this much, when he always feels defenceless around him).

 

That's why he's always faking, when sleepless nights and over thinking make his chest feel heavy and tight, he keeps smiling and cracking his cleverly dumb jokes and making people the good kind of uncomfortable.

 

He's never had to fake with Jiho, though. Not because he can be gloomy around him, but because he makes the gloomy feelings disappear.

 

He misses that, too. The easiness that comes with Zico, the calmness and raw happiness that they've shared since they were kids.

 

But Jiho hasn't reached out to him yet, this time, and Kyung's pride is getting impossibly bigger, so he keeps on faking, getting emptier.

 

---

 

If there's anything bigger than Kyung's pride, it is his need of being needed.

 

It takes him less than half an hour to get to Jiho's studio after he gets a message asking for help, even if it's been weeks since the last time they talked.

 

And if there's something bigger than Kyung's need of being needed, it is his soft side for Jiho. He blames it on the years, they've been together for so long, he can't stop the warm fondness that washes over him and erases almost every bit of rancour he's felt for the past month when he gets to the studio.

 

He walks to Jiho, who's bowed over his keyboard with his headphones hanging from his neck, and Kyung places a hand on Zico's neck, traces the back of his ear with one finger. Jiho looks up at him, smiling softly, and he looks beautiful even with pale skin and dark circles under his eyes.

 

“Here” Jiho mumbles, hands Kyung his headphones even if there's three more pairs in the studio “I ed up somewhere in the end, I don't know how to fix it”

 

Kyung puts the headphones on and closes his eyes. It feels like home, and he hates to admit it, even if it's just to himself. Zico spitting fast raps in his ears, his scent all over the place, probably sticking to Kyung's clothes (to the back of his mind), Jiho's hand tapping his leg, managing to match the rhythm of the song even if he isn't listening to it.

 

He didn't come to the studio to fight, he wasn't planning to shoot at Jiho for forgetting about him or mentioning things changing, getting colder. But he didn't expect to feel like nothing had changed. He doesn't know why he's surprised, though, Jiho has always managed to take away his worries (he's always there to fix him, Kyung reminds himself, even if he doesn't know Kyung is cracking).

 

The song dies and Kyung opens his eyes, takes the headphones off and throws them across the desk.

 

“The day you stop being so exigent is the day I can assure the world is ending” he says, flopping on the chair next to Jiho.

 

“C'mon, I'm not saying it is bad, but it can be-” a yawn makes Zico stop mid sentence, and Kyung feels a little bit better knowing he isn't the only one losing sleep, even if it's for entirely different reasons, he's selfish, wants Jiho to feel the same way as him so he doesn't seem so pathetic “-better. It can be so much better”

 

Then Jiho starts meddling with his computer, changing beats and words here and there, he scribbles down on a piece of paper, notes to improve the song with lazy, messy handwriting that no one except the two of them would understand.

 

When they are in the studio, it always feels like time stops. All of a sudden, Kyung feels taken back to that year they spent trapped in one when they both came back to Korea after studying abroad. The studio was smaller, poorer, but it smelled the same, it smelled like Jiho and music and good ideas. And Kyung felt the same too, this easiness in his chest, he felt light even if he was filled with life (with happiness), and the relief of having Jiho by his side after months studying apart was overwhelming.

 

He feels even more pathetic comparing that time to this moment, when they've been apart for a month. But Jiho is as clingy as always, his sense of personal space is as blurred as ever, his hands all over Kyung every time he gets a chance, and Kyung could complain like he does sometimes (because it can be too much, he isn't sure if that's a bad thing or a good thing, so he stops him just in case), but he feels warm in a way he hasn't felt in too many weeks.

 

They laugh out loud and sing off key and rap battle and lose track of time as they always do when they are together, composing and producing, or simply sharing time. Kyung is so relieved that distance isn't making them grow apart, he feels like maybe (just maybe) Jiho won't leave him behind. Maybe (only maybe) they won't run out of time.

 

---

 

Later that day, it hits him, how much things have changed. It hits Kyung so hard that it almost leaves him breathless.

 

When he gets in bed at 2 am and he's still awake three hours later. It doesn't matter how many times he turns in bed, doesn't matter if he listens to music or tries to listen to his own breathing to distract his mind from over thinking. Nothing works to stop his thoughts, and this night is worse than any other sleepless night he's had before, because this time he actually has something to over think about.

 

He feels cold all over, and he wonders how he could have been so filled with warmth at Jiho's studio, he wonders how someone can make you feel so bright only by being next to you (it isn't new, though, happiness has always been linked to Zico).

 

It isn't only him; his room is cold, the whole dorm is cold. He felt so out of place when he stepped inside after being with Jiho, as if something (someone) there was missing. He walked through the living room as fast as he could, mumbled a “hello” to Taeil and Jaehyo and locked himself in his room, suddenly too exhausted (too empty) to even try to fake a smile.

 

It's ridiculous, the way Jiho's absence in the dorm is affecting him now, when it's been years since he moved out (Kyung's been years missing him, had to get used to it).

 

He turns in bed once again, the clock marks 5:17 am, and he wonders how distance can change his feelings so drastically, make everything more intense, more dramatic. He hates being dramatic (he wishes he was being dramatic).

 

Kyung's heard more than once that distance makes your heart grow fonder, but it's making his heart grow colder, emptier.

 

Jiho has always made him feel warm, but it is the first time he takes the warmth with him when they part, and leaves Kyung trembling.

 

---

 

When his alarm clock goes off, he's slept less than one hour, and he's almost (certainly) sure they are running out of time faster than ever before.

 

---

 

Another two weeks go by and it looks like Jiho has forgotten about him again, so Kyung guesses he has to get used to this new feeling. It'll be like getting used to missing Zico all over again, but rougher.

 

It's the third time he has to get used to Jiho's absence, and it gets harder each time.

 

The first time was when they both left Korea to study abroad. Kyung remembers unshed tears burning the back of his eyes when he had to say goodbye, he remembers hugging Jiho tighter than he had ever hugged anyone before, remembers his hands shaking and Jiho intertwining their fingers, laughing at him for being so emotional (so weak, he said). Kyung remembers he managed to laugh it off, even if the knot in his throat almost choked his laughter, he disentangled their hands, he lied (partly), mumbled he was just afraid of being alone in a new country. And Jiho looked at him for a long time, with a faint smile on his lips and his eyes shining, understanding.

 

“Don't miss me too much” Jiho whispered.

 

“You wish” Kyung said.

 

And he turned around, with an unsaid I love you packed in his suitcase and Jiho's scent sticking to his clothes, his skin (to the back of his mind).

 

It was so hard, missing him back then. Being all alone in a country Kyung didn't know, surrounded by strangers, it made the feeling even sharper. But it was easier than it is now, because Jiho was in the same conditions as him, in a totally different country, but it felt like they were connected somehow (one in New Zealand, the other in Japan).

 

They talked everyday, phone calls and text messages, and even though Kyung wished it was more (wished it was closer ), it was enough (it was everyday). Jiho talked Kyung into rapping, and they spent days writing together (in different countries, but together). They used to rap to each other over the phone, clumsy and unpractised rhymes that sounded like million selling hits to their ears. Kyung remembers how it felt the first time they recorded a song together (miles away, but together), the overwhelming feeling of listening to his and Jiho's voice meeting in the middle of the song, melding together and rapping like one. That was the moment he knew he wanted to give his life to music.

 

He left Jiho in an airport in Korea, and came back to Zico almost a year later. He came back to a greedy boy determined to make a life out of rapping, and Kyung was determined to follow him even before Zico asked him to.

 

He wishes he could go back to those days, sometimes, when envy and pride hadn't become a part of their relationship. He wishes he could feel Jiho as close as he felt him when they were miles apart.

 

---

 

Missing Jiho is difficult, being with him becomes harder.

 

Their relationship is changing, and Kyung doesn't think anyone apart from him notices it (maybe Jiho does, but he doesn't mention it). He feels disoriented, in the verge of losing himself. He feels like if he gets his eyes off of Jiho the few times they are together, he will lose sight of him, and won't be able to follow him anymore (he will be left behind for real).

 

They have a few group events to attend during that month, and maybe people think their relationship is just the same as it has always been, but it is a million times more intense, Kyung can feel it on his bones.

 

He's heard distance makes the heart grow fonder, but it seems like it's making Jiho's heart grow more passionate.

 

He doesn't know what to make of it: of Zico's hands, always touching him somehow, finding their way to his waist, to the small of his back, to the back of his neck; of Jiho's legs, intertwining whit Kyung's every time they sit together (always together); of Jiho's chest, solid and warm when he hugs Kyung from behind, presses against his back, makes him feel all warm inside (so warm he's afraid he'll burst into flames). He doesn't know what to make out of Jiho's eyes, shinning when they meet with Kyung's, his plump lips always hiding a smile.

 

Jiho has never known the meaning of personal space (not around Kyung, not around anyone), but it had never reached this level before. Kyung wonders if it is his way of making up for all the time they spend apart, if he misses Kyung's warmth as much as Kyung misses Jiho, and he needs this closeness to sleep at night.

 

But when they part ways, he forgets about Kyung all over again. When they part ways, Jiho takes all the warmth with him and leaves Kyung a little emptier each time. And Kyung spends the night rolling in his bed, wishing he was strong enough to push Zico away every time he crosses the boundaries (but Kyung needs the closeness too much, even if it makes it harder to sleep at night).

 

---

 

Kyung finds out there's a bright side to Jiho's absence (more than bright, simply productive).

 

He isn't like Zico, he will never be as good as him (will always be better than him, in Jiho's eyes). He has a clever mind, he can solve complicated math problems that are impossible for most people, he can trace good plans and tell mischievous jokes and get away with it with his smart mouth. But when it comes to writing, even if he is good with words and rhymes, his inspiration has the annoying habit of abandoning him too often.

 

Kyung is a happy guy, he's optimistic and chirpy, his smile is easy and contagious, but, when it comes to writing, he's at his best when he's sad.

 

So he takes all of his frustrations, his resent and envy and pride, and writes down bitter words, scrambling hard over pieces of paper, hitting his keyboard harder than he should. And even though lyrics don't fill up the empty space in his chest, they make sleepless nights less boring.

 

Before he goes to bed (never before 3 in the morning), he reads his rhymes, reads the anger, the bitterness, the longing, and wonders if he will ever be able to go back to his happy raps, lyrics that used to talk about fresh, young love, now talk about cold nights and long distances.

 

When he finally lies down in bed he's exhausted, but he wakes up every half an hour, feeling like something is weird, crooked, and he finally admits to himself that that something is maybe (surely) a someone, he admits that the emptiness in his chest won't go away until that someone (Jiho) goes back to a place he's known all along where it is (not around him, not inside of him, but next to him).

 

---

 

The second time Kyung had to get used to missing Jiho was when he moved out of their dorm.

 

He didn't do anything when Zico told them he was moving out, he said he felt bad every time he arrived at the dorm at five in the morning and woke them up, said it was easier for everyone if he just bought an apartment closer to his studio. It made sense, and it wasn't like Jiho was moving to another country like the last time, Kyung could take it.

 

And he did take it, but it was harder than he had imagined.

 

He helped Jiho find a new place to live, helped him pack his stuff, borrowed a few t-shirts without telling him, and helped him move everything from one building to another. He remembers teasing Jiho, asking him who was going to cook for him now, who he was going to bother when he got bored, and Zico laughed, punched his shoulder.

 

“Don't get your hopes too high dude, you won't get rid of me so easily” he said, with an easy smile on his lips.

 

Kyung also remembers the weirdness he felt when he got back home that same day, without Jiho. He felt out of place, the dorm was a little bit darker, a little bit colder (a little bit emptier, just like he is now).

 

As the days went by, he found himself missing the way Jiho used to wake him up at early hours in the morning, his clumsy steps when he got back from the studio, his quick apologies when he got into their shared room, too tired to care if he was being noisy, waking the whole dorm up. He found himself missing Jiho's clothes scattered all over their bedroom floor, he missed stealing his underwear and drinking from the same mug of coffee when they got to have breakfast together. He missed having to pound on the bathroom door when Jiho locked himself in for more than fifteen minutes, he even missed fighting Zico when he wasted up all their milk and refused to go out and buy more.

 

Everything felt weirder, darker, colder, but Jiho still crashed there often, he let himself in without asking for permission, filled the dorm with noise and light, and flopped into Kyung's bed as if it was his own. He fitted in there, he belonged with them (he still does).

 

It's been months since the last time Jiho stepped into their dorm, now. Kyung had gotten used to it, he could handle having him around every few weeks, could handle the cold and the silence. But it's been too long, and it's getting too much, and he doesn't know how to handle it anymore, the emptiness in the dorm, in his chest.

 

---

 

Kyung gets tired.

 

It's an exhaustion he has never felt before, it is worse than the tiredness that comes with the lack of sleep and suffocating schedules that won't let him relax.

 

This kind of tiredness tightens the knot in his throat, it threatens to make him spit out all his frustrations and resentment at the most inconvenient times: in the middle of interviews, when Zico talks about how tiring it is to spend day after day in the studio; in the middle of shootings, when Jiho drapes his arms around Kyung as if they are closer than ever; in the middle of their living room, when he's talking with the other members and Jiho's name pops up.

 

He's tired of waiting for Zico to make a move, to show he still needs him as much as Kyung needs Jiho. He's tired of his pride stopping him from trying to fix things, but he's too stubborn to swallow it all down. He's tired of faking smiles, because he's never had to fake for this long before, and it is consuming him. He's tired of the cold in his chest that keeps him awake at night, the kind of cold that not even three blankets can take away (because it isn't around him, it's inside of him). He's tired of feeling pathetic and needy and childish, losing sleep over someone that was once his half (if not his everything), but clearly doesn't give a about him anymore.

 

He doesn't even know how they've gotten to this point, doesn't know how a friendship can crumple before your eyes and go beyond repair before you even realize it is too late for saving.

 

Kyung is so tired, he's past the point of feeling hurt and scared to death, and he doesn't want to stay still being the only one feeling pitiful.

 

He calls Zico at three in the morning, when he's on his fourth coffee and in the middle of a new song.

 

“I've been writing” he says as soon as Jiho picks up the phone.

 

There's a tense silence between them that lasts a few seconds, but it feels like hours, and Kyung feels like they don't have much time left (he misses their phone calls when they were miles away, when time used to stop for them).

 

“I need the studio. I'm coming over” Kyung hangs up without giving Jiho a chance to answer, he can't give him the chance to soften him just with the sound of his voice, nostalgia can be strong enough to smoother him, but everything hurts a little less when he's all sharp edges and bitterness.

 

When he gets to Zico's studio, cold inside and out, wrapped in a big jacket even if he knows it won't change anything, the door is unlocked, and the room empty.

 

Kyung flops down on Jiho's chair, he ignores the cozy warmth in his belly, tries to avoid thinking how it smells like home, and gets to work.

 

He convinces himself that Zico isn't there because it felt like a punch finding out that he isn't the only one moving forward. Kyung is rotted and twisted, he's rancorous and finds relief in the thought of Jiho feeling as ty as himself. Maybe (unlikely) he fears Kyung will be the one leaving him behind, instead of holding back, waiting to follow as he has always done (will always do).

 

---

 

Kyung keeps borrowing Zico's studio almost every night, and Jiho is never there; that's why he's highly surprised when he gets a message saying their comeback will be soon.

 

He doesn't know how Jiho has managed to finish writing a new album when Kyung steals his studio most nights, but he doesn't stop to think about it, the rush of excitement when he thinks about recording again is almost intense enough to erase everything else.

 

But the excitement dies out pretty fast.

 

Kyung wasn't expecting their first day for recording to be smooth and easy, it can never be, they are rusty and trying to sing songs they've never heard before, they can't get it perfect in the first try.

 

But Jiho is a perfectionist, and he's always on the edge these days. Today isn't an exception.

 

Kyung notices Zico is more irascible than usual, though. He's edgy, jittery, fidgeting with his fingers, tapping his desk nervously, doubting himself and his songs when the members can't get their parts right after more than 10 tries (Kyung doesn't remember when was the last time he saw Jiho doubting himself).

 

Zico snaps at Yukwon, he rips out his headphones and throws them across his desk, he stands up and smashes the voice button.

 

“Since when are you so useless” he says, he doesn't rise his voice, it's his normal tone, but sharp as a knife and colder than ice, aimed to hurt.

 

The quietness that fills the room the following seconds crushes Kyung's lungs, and he wonders if this is it, if this is what it feels like to reach the end.

 

Yukwon gets out of the recording room, and the look in his eyes matches the sharpness and coldness in Jiho's words.

 

“Don't you dare talk to me like that. Never again” he says, with a dangerous calmness that gives Kyung goosebumps (not the good kind).

 

Jiho leaves the room as fast as lightning, smashes the door shut with such force Kyung feels it on his ribs.

 

Kyung stays still for a few seconds, he doesn't dare to move in case a failed step will set it all on fire, until Taeil grabs him by the shoulder harder than necessary, dances his intent gaze between Kyung and the door.

 

When he gets out of the studio to follow Jiho, he feels disoriented in a way he's never felt before, as if he's forgotten something he's supposed to know by heart. He walks aimless, trying out different things he can say once he finds Zico, but nothing feels right (finding the right words when it comes to Jiho has never been this difficult).

 

He finds him sitting in a bench behind the building, head between his hands, shoulders dropped, legs bouncing anxiously. Kyung stands before him, and he feels so uncomfortable (so unwanted) when Jiho looks up at him, his eyes stern and burning.

 

Kyung doubts there's something worse than this, worse than standing in front of your best friend, who is crumpling, and not knowing what to do, feeling like they don't want you to do anything, they don't want you to pick them up (not anymore).

 

“What do you want?” Jiho says, and it's softer than his words to Yukwon, but somehow it feels even worse when Kyung hears a trace of hope tangled there.

 

Kyung's hands itch with the need of touching Jiho, he wants to make up the lack of words with physical contact, cling to what's left of their relationship with clammy hands, and it's so strong he has to bury his fists in his pockets.

 

He looks at Jiho with his mouth half open, he tries different words in his tongue but all of them taste sour. He wants to say talk to me and let me back in and we can fix this (we still got time).

 

What comes out is:

 

“You need a break”

 

Zico stands up fast, moves close, so close to Kyung the tips of their shoes press together, and looks at him right in the eyes. All Kyung can see is disappointment.

 

“I can't” Jiho spits, and he walks away, pushing Kyung out of his way with his shoulder.

 

Kyung turns around and watches Jiho disappear around the corner of the building. He thinks that if there's something worse than losing your best friend, it is realizing that you're in love with your best friend when you're losing them (when you've already lost them).

 

---

 

When Kyung gets back to the studio, he's trembling, he blames it on the cold weather when Jaehyo asks him.

 

Everything is quiet apart from Yukwon, who is pacing around the room, complaining in fast mumbles about Jiho being childish.

 

Kyung knows they should resume the recording, but he can't stay there for too long, not with Taeil's eyes fixed on him when he notices he comes back without Jiho. One disappointed look is enough for the day, so he leaves fives minutes after he arrived. In his way out, he hopes he shuts the door with enough force for the rest of the members to feel it on their ribs.

 

---

 

Kyung knows that if his and Jiho's friendship is so wormy right now, it is partly his fault. He gave up before fighting and now Jiho doesn't feel like a best friend anymore, he feels more distant than a workmate, and it stings.

 

Kyung isn't the type to give up: he didn't give up when he left Korea terrified to study abroad, he didn't give up when he started rapping and everyone thought he wasn't good enough, he didn't give up when Block B went through their darkest moments, didn't give up after everyone started to compare him with Jiho. He isn't going to give up now, even if it's maybe (surely) too late, because he was too stubborn to talk things out like real best friends do.

 

Melancholy and nostalgia fill him up every night, and Kyung won't allow them to take over him when Jiho is right there (even if he doesn't feel like it anymore).

 

So he shows up at Zico's studio three nights later without warning. The room is as quiet and warm as it always is, but it isn't empty this time.

 

Jiho is slumped on the couch, one arm resting over his chest and the other falling over the side of the couch, his hand almost touching the floor. He's sound asleep and he looks exhausted even while sleeping, with his shoes still on, his clothes all wrinkled, his skin pale like paper, grey under his eyes (Kyung still thinks he looks beautiful).

 

Kyung did come to fight this time, or at least talk, but his soft spot for Jiho is still strong, and he doesn't have the heart to wake him up. So he takes Zico's shoes off gently, covers him up with his own jacket and smooths his hair with the tips of his fingers before moving to the desk.

 

He gets to work surrounded by empty cans of redbull and coffee cups, the studio smells acrid and it's way too hot inside, but it doesn't make it feel any less like home.

 

He writes lyrics about fighting for love and meddles with sounds for hours until Jiho talks.

 

“You should try to speed up the melody in the bridge” he says from his spot on the couch, behind Kyung. He still sounds tired, but a million times more relaxed than the last time Kyung heard his voice.

 

Kyung wants to tell Zico he doesn't have the right to have an opinion on his work, not when he hasn't been there for months. But he swallows down a piercing reply, changes a few beats and plays the song before he turns around to look at Jiho.

 

There's a smile in his tense lips, it looks frail and unstable, but it is there and it is so genuine, Kyung almost smiles back (he bites it off his face just in time).

 

“I've missed this” Jiho says when the song dies out.

 

It leaves Kyung speechless, the weight of those words. Zico is still lying on the couch wrapped in Kyung's jacket, his eyes are puffy and tired, lips smiling faintly, he looks drained and so sincere, Kyung has a hard time believing him.

 

He wants to ask why, he wants to scream liar, he wants to mumble I miss you. But he's so confused and surprised, trying to figure out why Jiho keeps pushing him away if he misses their relationship as much as he does, that it takes him a little too long to find the right words to reply, and Zico falls asleep again while he stares at Kyung, the smile still on his face.

 

Kyung considers waking him up so they can finally talk , because the knot on his throat is so tight it's threatening to choke him, he has so many things he wants to say and ask he's afraid his thoughts are going to get so loud he'll go deaf. But Zico needs as much sleep as he can get, and I miss this doesn't mean I miss you.

 

So Kyung swallows hard the knot on his throat and turns the music up until it muffles his own thoughts. Maybe (hopefully) they'll still have enough time left to talk when Jiho wakes up again.

 

---

 

When the clock hits 3 am, Kyung can't wait any longer or he'll go crazy. He's been stuck in the same part of the song for more than one hour, he can't help to sneak glances at Jiho still sleeping on the couch, and his body itches all over with the need of reaching out and touch.

 

He wants to make himself small and squeeze his body between Jiho and the back of the couch, he wants to fall asleep with their bodies pressed together and his face hidden in Zico's neck, like they used to do when they were kids.

 

He would do anything to go back to the way their relationship was before, so he kneels in front of the couch and shakes Jiho awake, even if he's scared to death one more time, dreading a conversation they should have had months ago, when Kyung started feeling empty.

 

“Hey” he whispers when Zico's eyes flutter open.

 

Kyung sits down on the floor and watches as Jiho wakes up slowly, the way he frowns and rubs the sleep out of his eyes, how he pulls at Kyung's jacket, trying to cover more of his body with it.

 

“What time is it?” he asks, voice low and husky.

 

“Three in the morning” Kyung says, and he has to bite his lips to stop himself from smiling when a look of pure terror crosses Jiho's face.

 

“What the ” he almost jumps off the couch, he sits up so fast Kyung's jacket falls to the floor “Why didn't you wake me up? I wasted the whole day sleeping!”

 

“Hey. Hey, calm the down” Jiho tries to get up to go to his desk, but Kyung pushes him until he flops down on the couch again “You didn't ask me to wake you up, did you expect me to read your mind or what?”

 

“I've been stuck in a studio for months, I think it's pretty obvious I want to work. I shouldn't have to tell you , you should have known” Jiho's softness is all gone, his words are sharp and his eyes burning, like the day he snapped at Yukwon, and the studio doesn't feel so much like home anymore.

 

“That's exactly why I didn't wake you up, because you've been overworking yourself for months” Kyung gets to his knees in front of the couch, he reaches out, presses his hand hard against Jiho's chest and pushes him again, just in case he tries to get up one more time “And you have no right to expect anything from me”

 

The look Jiho gives him makes Kyung want to crawl out of his own skin. It is so bare and vulnerable all of a sudden, as if those words have caught him with his guard down, as if he knows exactly where Kyung wants to head this conversation, and he dreads it just as much. Zico brushes Kyung's hand off of his chest harshly, as if it started to burn his skin.

 

Kyung sits down again, with his legs crossed and his hands resting on his lap, he looks at them for a long, lazy minute until he dares to look back up at Jiho. He has his head bowed down, his fingers pressing over his furrowed brows, and Kyung wants to reach out again, he wants to scratch the pale skin of Jiho's neck. He looks down at his hands one more time, clenches them into fists, so tight he scratches his palms until it hurts.

 

“What do you want?” Jiho says, and his voice sounds as empty as Kyung feels.

 

“I want you to stop tearing us apart” he replies before he gives himself time to think, because the feeling that they are running out of time is more vivid than ever, it squeezes his chest and dries his throat. It is unfair, blaming it all on Zico, but he's too angry to care right now.

 

“This about the other day, isn't it?” Jiho raises his voice and Kyung flinches a little, they haven't fought in ages “You know I get edgy when we're about to have a comeback, I didn't mean to snap at Yukwon like that. I didn't want my bad mood to affect the group but it isn't such a big deal, for 's sake”

 

Kyung presses the heels of his hands against his eyes when he realizes Zico has gotten it all wrong, he presses as hard as he can and wishes he could turn back time instead of having this conversation. He reminds himself that I miss this doesn't mean I miss you, and considers dropping it, but he doesn't think he can take another cold night.

 

“I wasn't talking about the group” he mumbles, he takes his hands off his eyes and intertwines his fingers behind his neck to stop himself from reaching out to touch Jiho “I meant you and me”

 

When he looks up at Jiho, he sees little colourful lights framing his face from squeezing his eyes too hard, it looks pretty, even if Zico's face is stone cold.

 

“What are you talking about?” Jiho asks, it doesn't even sound like a question, it sounds like an accusation, and Kyung feels exposed and rough.

 

“Stop it” he wanted it to come off as impatient, but it comes out as a plea, and Kyung wants to run away and hide in his cold room forever, he wants the emptiness to swallow him whole “You know what I mean. You've been avoiding me”

 

“That isn't true” Zico complains, but his legs start bouncing anxiously “At least, I didn't mean to”

 

Kyung can't help but scoff at that, he actually giggles at those words, even if he hasn't felt this far from happiness ever before. He looks at Jiho with his eyebrows raised and an ironic smile on his face.

 

“Jiho, I've known you since you were a kid. Are you seriously trying to lie to my ing face”

 

“I'm not lying, I just-” Zico puffs, runs his hands through his hair, frustrated “You wouldn't get it”

 

“Try me” Kyung's hands fall on Jiho's knees, they don't squeeze, they just rest there, needy of contact to remind him Zico isn't entirely gone, that they can still save this (that they will save this) “Talk to me like you used to do”

 

“You know I'm not good at this” Jiho protests, with a hint of desperation in his voice, and he looks defeated when he slumps against the back of the couch.

 

Kyung feels so tiny, sitting on the floor in front of Jiho, who is staring down at him looking high and mighty, even when he's feeling insecure and lost. Kyung has never felt smaller, he wonders how he's supposed to help Jiho through this conversation, if he himself doesn't know what he's doing.

 

“If you really miss making music together-” he starts, choosing his words carefully “why did you stop counting on me?”

 

“Why do you care, anyway?” Zico laughs, sarcastically “It's not like you gave a all this time”

 

Kyung really wants to scream, he wants to punch Jiho's chest and scream right at his face, ask him why he should have made the first move when he was being pushed away. He wants to apologize, too; wants to say he's sorry for getting carried away by his pride and resent. He does neither of those things, he clutches Zico's right knee, squeezes hard until Jiho rests one of his hands on top of Kyung's, the touch tingles.

 

“I'm asking now” he mumbles, because that's the best he has to offer. He swallowed his pride, and it is maybe (certainly) too late, but Kyung is very prideful, and he wouldn't do this for anyone; Jiho knows it (he used to know him).

 

Zico sighs and rubs a frustrated hand over his face. He leans down, closer to Kyung, and he looks like he's struggling with his own thoughts, his mouth crooked and his eyebrows burrowed in concentration. Kyung knows this is difficult, Jiho is good with lyrics, but not so good with words, not when it involves feelings. They barely talk deep, and when they fight it is nothing than a few beers and a large pizza can't fix. Kyung squeezes Zico's knee again in encouragement.

 

“I did it for you” Jiho blurts out.

 

Kyung stays really still, trying not to laugh or storm out of the room, because it makes no sense. Zico must see the confusion and anger written all over his face, because he Kyung's hand with his thumb.

 

“I feel… I feel like a burden, sometimes. To you.” Jiho isn't even looking at Kyung, he has his gaze fixed on their hands, and it burns more than his touch “I know you get jealous of my popularity or success or whatever.” Kyung wants to protest, he feels a bitter reply going up his throat, but he swallows it down, because he doesn't want to cut Jiho now that he's finally opening up (and because he knows Zico is right).

 

“But, my life isn't all that great, Kyung. It's tough, and I know you know it. But I just-” Jiho swallows so hard Kyung can hear it over the sound of his own heartbeat, pounding frantically in his chest “I got you into this mess, into rapping, into Block B. It's my fault that you're in this, and you should get whatever you want to get. I just wanted to make it easier for you, take care of the group alone, so you could, I don't know, plan your solo career, write only for yourself, like you've been doing. That's what you deserve.” He finally looks up at Kyung, and his eyes are so bare, Kyung could read Jiho's feelings on them if Jiho didn't avert his gaze again a second later, too embarrassed to keep eye contact.

 

“You deserve the success you want to have without having to bear with my annoying .” Zico goes on “Without my complaints and my doubts, about my own music and the group's music. That's my responsibility. No one else's. You've been putting up with me for too long”

 

Kyung is so stricken by what Zico just blurted out, all he can manage is a chocked “What the ”

 

“Listen, forget it” Jiho says, removing his hand from Kyung's and pushing him away “It made sense in my head, okay? , you know I at this”

 

Zico is fidgeting with the hem of his shirt, a shade of ashamed pink coving his cheeks, but his eyes look annoyed. Kyung's mouth is ajar and dry, unable to find good words to reply.

 

He feels selfish, he's been too busy drowning in self pity to even think about Zico's feelings, about the reasons behind his actions, if he was hurting as well. And Jiho's been thinking about him all this time, even if he was wrong all along and didn't handle it the way he should (he's always been kind of a mess without Kyung by his side).

 

“Jiho. God, Jiho” Kyung reaches out again, curls his fingers around Zico's wrist, holds on tighter than he should “Why didn't you talk to me?”

 

“Told you. I at serious conversations” Jiho is still annoyed, tensed up like a cat ready to attack, but his voice has gone softer. This time, he doesn't look away when Kyung locks their eyes.

 

“You honestly thought you were doing me a favour and I thought you didn't want me around anymore” What he doesn't say is I thought you were leaving me behind, and it was terrifying.

 

“Kyung, that's bull” Zico laughs a little, tries to take his hand back, but Kyung grabs his wrist harder “You're my best friend, I always want you around”

 

“It didn't feel like it” he murmurs, and Jiho stops looking angry and starts looking apologetic, somehow that hurts even more “Jiho, you didn't 'drag me' into this, I knew I wanted to make music for a living even before you asked me to join a company with you” Zico opens his mouth, ready to argue, but Kyung jerks his wrist to stop him “And even if you did drag me, it doesn't matter. I love what I do. Sure this industry sometimes, but it is always worth it”

 

Kyung had thought a lot about this when they were still trainees, he had spent nights awake wondering why he kept doing this, when they left their lungs in the training room every single day and they could barely afford food. His body ached only by looking at himself in the mirror, he used to hide in the bathroom when it got too much, throwing up out of exhaustion.

 

It got better, with the years (it is better than it has ever been, now). They went through so many hardships together, they suffered a lot and worked their asses off, and now their effort is paying off (Kyung still feels like they deserve more, but at least it's better). It still gets rough, this industry will always be hard and they barely get time to relax, and living surrounded by cameras and cruel criticism is never easy. But being on stage having hundreds of people singing the songs they wrote (songs he himself wrote, with Jiho by his side) makes it all worth it.

 

“I do want more” he says slowly, rubbing his fingers up Jiho's arm “but I don't need more. I just need you” Zico's eyes light up at those words, in a way that makes Kyung feel he has said too much “I wouldn't be able to handle this world without the group” he adds, trying to fix it.

 

Zico nods, visibly more relaxed and not ready to fight at any second anymore. He takes Kyung's hand between his own and plays with his fingers nervously.

 

“I'm sorry” he says, and Kyung shakes his head.

 

“I'm sorry, too. I should have talked to you sooner”

 

Zico takes Kyung's hand to his lips, he doesn't kiss it, he just presses it there, his breath hot over Kyung's skin, warming him up inside (like he always does). It kind of leaves Kyung breathless, Jiho has always been the clingiest out of the two of them, but this feels so intimate, intense.

 

“You can be really ing annoying sometimes” Kyung says, Jiho raises an eyebrow “but you are never a burden. You've put up with me for too long, too”

 

Staring into Jiho's tired eyes, his hand still pressed against his lips, Kyung feels tingly all over. He doesn't know what to do, it feels like the conversation is over, but there are still things he should say, but he doesn't know how to. Kyung wasn't made for serious conversations either, he feels like he's already talked too much, his voice may fail him if he speaks up again.He doesn't know how to tell Jiho that distance does, in fact, make the heart grow fonder, and now he misses him in ways he's never had him.

 

The tension between them is almost choking Kyung, he needs to do something. So he moves before he can over think, he rips his hand away from Jiho's mouth, gets to his knees, and curls a hand around Jiho's neck, bringing him down towards him until their lips meet. Zico makes a little surprised noise, his hands flying to Kyung's arms and squeezing hard as if he needs balance.

 

Kyung pulls back after a few seconds, he gasps against Jiho's mouth, and he doesn't even have time to open his eyes when Jiho is kissing him again.

 

Jiho's mouth is frantic and bruising, he bites Kyung's lips, parts them with his tongue so he can explore every corner of his mouth. Kyung feels scorching inside and out, he feels like he could set Zico on fire just by touching him, and the fire inside of him is burning his lungs, it makes him grab onto Jiho'shoulders, as if being closer to him is the only way he can keep on breathing.

 

Zico's hands pull at Kyung's arms, they sneak around Kyung's waist and pull him up until he's on the couch with Jiho, pressed up against him, straddling him, warm and shuddering. Suddenly, Kyung is so aware of the situation his heart speeds up so much he feels it in his throat. He has to pull away to breathe, hard and fast over Jiho's skin.

 

It feels so good, having Jiho so close to him in such an intimate way after so many days feeling so far away from him. All those times Zico draped an arm around him during interviews felt fake, void, and now, now he feels like he can't get enough, like their old friendly hugs won't be enough ever again.

 

Kyung bumps their noses together and opens his eyes to find Jiho staring right back at him. His cheeks flushed pink and his eyes twinkling, but Kyung can see doubt and worry dancing there though, he's probably thinking about the consequences and hardships that can come with crossing this line. But Kyung doesn't want to think right now, he just wants to feel as mush as he can after being empty for so long. So he kisses Jiho again, on his plump bottom lip until he's panting under Kyung, his fingers digging painfully into the flesh of his thighs.

 

Zico kisses the same way he performs, with everything he has. It is passionate and hungry and eager, it's aimed to leave Kyung breathless and begging for more. So searing and furious, Kyung feels light headed when they break the kiss.

 

“, Kyung” Zico moans, his hoarse voice makes Kyung shudder.

 

He slips one hand down Kyung's back to the curve of his , squeezes at the same time he presses him closer to his body, and Kyung has to pull away to breathe one more time. He hides his face in the crook of Zico's neck, breathes him in, grinds his hips down in a way that tears a groan out of them both.

 

Soon, they are grinding frantically against each other, hands slipping under shirts and moans slipping out of their throats. Kyung kisses and bites Jiho's neck, he can feel every single groan he lets out, it sends shivers down his spine, takes him closer to the edge each time.

 

Kyung can't remember a time he had felt this much, pleasure is running through his veins in a way he can barely control himself, his hips move desperately against Zico's, his nails dig in the soft skin of his shoulders. He kisses every part of Jiho he can reach, arches against him when he feels his hands running through his thighs and pulling at his hair, he tries to swallow every noise that Jiho makes.

 

He comes shamefully fast, whining Jiho's name and kissing him sloppily at the same time. He's warmer as he has ever been, burning everywhere, sweaty and gasping, holding onto Jiho for dear life.

 

Jiho comes soon after, his hips grinding clumsily against Kyung's, he digs his fingers on his waist, bites his shoulder and growls out his name, and his voice is so low and harsh, Kyung thinks he could come a second time only by the sound of it.

 

Kyung has always thought that Zico is beautiful, when he's at his best up on stage and glowing, when he's at his worst passed out on the couch after working for too long, But he's never seen him like this, after he comes, all wasted and wrecked, his eyes are black and half lidded, his cheeks flushed pink, his lips red kissed and swollen, hair all tousled. He looks vulnerable and so pretty, Kyung's chest is so full with warm he thinks he might explode.

 

He doesn't know what to say now, doesn't know if they should talk, or if words aren't needed after what just happened. So he just stares at Jiho in awe, and makes a pleased sound when Jiho moves to kiss him gently, first his chin, then his cheeks, finally his lips.

 

Zico curls his arms around Kyung's waist and moves them both, lies down so Kyung is squeezed between the back of the couch and Jiho's chest. For a few minutes Kyung thinks he won't be able to sleep for another night, he's too warm and sticky, and it seems impossible for his heart to calm down. But he hides his face on Jiho's neck (the way he used to do when he has a kid), he breaths him in, his scent sticking to the back of his mind, and he feels so calm when Jiho starts to run his fingers through his hair, sleep comes easier than ever.

 

---

 

When he wakes up, Kyung doesn't know what time it is or how many hours he slept, but it is the first time in months that he has slept for hours without waking up with nightmares, it is the first time in months that he feels well rested instead of sick as soon as he opens his eyes.

 

Jiho is still pressed up against him, warm and solid and there. When Kyung looks up at him, Zico is already staring back, smiling softly, and he still looks exhausted, but he's brighter, happier. Kyung is amazed by the realization that he has as much effect on Jiho as Jiho has on him.

 

“Good morning” Kyung mumbles, presses the words against Zico's chest, and it shakes with laughter.

 

“Good morning at 2pm” Jiho replies.

 

Kyung looks at him surprised, he doesn't know what shocks him the most, the fact that he slept so many hours, or that Zico is still lying there and not panicking over how many hours of work he's lost.

 

Jiho laughs at his face, his nose scrunched up and his eyes all wrinkled. Kyung elbows him on the stomach, but he's smiling just as wide.

 

A sudden loud pound on the door has Kyung jumping out of his skin (and Jiho laughing at him one more time).

 

“WOO JIHO OPEN THE ING DOOR I KNOW YOU'RE THERE” Jaehyo's voice comes from the other side of the door, he sounds so angry Kyung actually laughs, muffled against Zico's shirt.

 

“He's been banging the door and screaming for like half an hour” Jiho whispers “but I didn't feel like moving”

 

“WE HAVE A DAMN ALBUM TO RECORD ZICO, WHAT THE ” Jaehyo keeps screaming, but Jiho decides to keep ignoring him and curls into Kyung.

 

“Are we really going to skip recording today?” Kyung asks, feeling equally hopeful and guilty, partly amazed too, at Zico skipping one day of work.

 

“You yourself said it last night, I've been overworking myself for months, I deserve a break” he says, and throws his head back to scream “We aren't working today Jaehyo, get lost!”

 

Kyung snickers into Jiho's neck when Jaehyo hits the door one more time before walking away, and presses a kiss there, just because he can.

 

Everything feels so right , Kyung can't quite believe it. The feeling that they were running out of time has vanished, now that Jiho is here, literally stealing time from their schedules so they can spend it together. Kyung feels like they have all the time in the world. And there's nothing crooked (nor inside of him, nor around him, nor next to him), he feels full and warm, everything is in place. Jiho has managed to fix him one more time (like he always does, like he will always do). 

 

---

 

I hope you liked it, please tell me what you think!