I was never really one to run away from things so easily, most especially things that people should be scared of. It’s not that I was never afraid of what’s to come myself but I had always thought that fear is a chance to prove your bravery. That was what I wanted. I wanted to be brave but I wasn’t. All I could really do was pretend like I was.

I was fortunately so good at pretending that I managed to fool people around me. Nobody really knew this embarrassing, damaging and pretentious side of me. Of course, except for my best friend, Byun Baekhyun. To him, I am as transparent as glass. He sees right through me without even putting in so much effort anymore. Looking into my soul is easy for him and I feel extremely thankful for that.

It’s not easy bottling up feelings, hiding them. It’s not easy smiling through pain and spewing positivity when in the inside, you were drowning in negativity. You’d always end up exploding this way, whether that meant throwing a fit or just bawling your eyes out.

Baekhyun has seen me at my worst so many times. He was just there. Always. And sometimes I feel sorry for him but he’s my best friend. He’ll accept me no matter how much of a mess I am, right?

Right.

He understands me without even hearing what I have to say. He can guess what I’m thinking just by the look in my eyes and he senses my real emotions through my actions. He has me all figured out and he knew me all too well, so well so that he was even right about my heart disease resurfacing.

When I was born, I suffered from con heart defects. I got treated right after I came out of my mother’s womb but I never really had any follow-up treatment after that. Aside from we aren’t exactly well off to begin with, we all just thought that everything would turn out fine. I’ve already had my surgery anyway. I should be fine, right?

Wrong.

I am not and I kind of hated myself for not listening to Baekhyun, for mistaking “bravery” for ignorance.

Everything started with my breathing. I was suddenly experiencing shortness of breaths when I did strenuous activities that didn’t seem to bother me before. It was odd but I was quick to brush it off, thinking that it was nothing but asthma. My brothers suffer the same thing and so I thought I did too, even if it came about so late.

It wasn’t even too serious or at least, I made it out to be like that. I soon started to get these random “asthma attacks” more frequently and as time goes by, as I grew older, it worsened. It was now serious. Was it just asthma? I really didn’t know anymore but I was too stubborn to get myself checked, no matter how many times my best friend volunteered to come along with me.

We fought about it. I won and it wasn’t mentioned for a while but then another symptom came.

Baekhyun always had a weird habit of putting his hand on my chest to check how my heart was doing, something he developed after he found out that I had that type of disease before.

From a thumbs up to wide smiles, he began to frown and furrow his brows in worry. From his usual joke, saying, “Your heart is beating abnormally. Is it because of me? Is it reacting this way because I’m touching you?” He now ended up saying scary things like, “This really isn’t normal anymore. I have a bad feeling about this.”

I always ignored what he says. It’s wasn’t like I didn’t care. It was just because deep down inside, I was scared to death. I didn’t want to go to the hospital and find out that my heart was failing or something. I didn’t want bother myself thinking that I was going to ing die. My heart is still beating anyway. It’s beating weirdly but at least, right?

I always convinced myself that everything was okay, that I was okay. I kept feeding myself with false optimism because that’s just how I am. I am brave after all. I do keep my feelings bottled up. Even my family knew nothing about this.

But things just kept getting worse and worse. It was a lot harder to keep this from them when they started to notice how easily I get tired. They were confused as to how I could go jogging with Baekhyun regularly before and now, I can barely run to a damn drugstore at the corner of our house without feeling my legs give up on me the moment I get there.

They asked what was wrong and I told them it was nothing. They asked if I was okay and I said I was. That was how I am. I didn’t want them to worry but behind all that, Baekhyun knew very well how annoyed I was with my current condition. Why now? Why was I so suddenly like this? I kept asking myself these questions.

And as I held up my act, my already worrisome state has gotten me feeling dizzy for no apparent reason. I get so dizzy that I would practically give up on staying conscious and just let myself faint. It didn’t matter where I was. Once my head would spin and my vision would fade, I’d just gave up. Because of this, Baekhyun almost never wanted to leave me alone.

I was irritated and angry. I fought with him multiple times because he actually wanted to do something about my situation while I kept fooling myself. Voices raise, words stung and tears fell but in the end, he would always give in to me. Why? Because he was worried that our arguments would make my heart hurt even more.

And one time, it really did.

Baekhyun groaned in his hands, stood up and angrily kicked the leg of the chair he was sitting on. “I don’t understand why you have to be like this!” He scoffed when I still had the nerve to roll my eyes at him. “What are you going to get out of acting like you’re fine? You’re not and you won’t be unless you ing do something about it!” He continued to yell.

I flinched at his volume and that little reaction had him softening up immediately. I felt a prickle in my chest as his words sunk deep into my brain. He was right. I know he is but I’d rather deny what’s obviously there than face it and have everyone know how much of a coward I am. I simply refuse to have my brave front put down.

Baekhyun softly called my name as he reached for my hands and held onto them tightly, as if I would evaporate into thin air if he didn’t. “I know you’re scared,” he started and that alone had my chest clenching. “I am too. I am so, so scared but I don’t want you to keep suffering like this. I–”

I swallowed hard when I saw his tears welling up in his eyes. He in a breath. “I’m in love you,” he cried and pressed my hands on his cheeks. My eyes rounded as my lungs suddenly stopped to breath. “I’m in love with you and I don’t want to lose you.”

And just like that, I doubled over. My chest was squeezing painfully. It was like having a heart attack except I couldn’t pass out. I had to suffer, the thumping of my heart suddenly too excruciating to bear that it had me wishing for it to just stop beating and end my misery.

I was sweating bullets, lips pale and breathing ragged when he desperately called my mother and accompanied us to the hospital. This time, the brave front I so proudly paraded had finally shattered.

I showed them just how scared I was. I begged for them not to take me to the hospital and cried uncontrollably the moment we pushed through the emergency room doors.

As the pain in my chest escalated, as my breath became thinner and thinner, my consciousness had finally left me.

I woke up after being unconscious for I don’t know how long and heard my mother sobbing. I turned my head to see Baekhyun trying to calm her down and instantly shut my eyes again when they noticed me move. I felt my tears burn at the back of my eyes but tried so hard not to cry.

“She’s still asleep, auntie,” I heard Baekhyun inform softly. My mother let out a weak hum and muffled her cries before I heard something that brought the pain back in my chest. “I can’t believe her heart disease is back. Baekhyun, it’s worse than before. She mightꟷ” She breathed heavily. “It’s going to kill her…”

My mother’s voice trailed ever so slightly at the last sentence before she began to bawl again. I heard another sob and I was sure it was Baekhyun. I couldn’t take it. I moved, shifting my body to the side so they can’t see the tears seeping through my closed eyes.

“Won’t my mother kill us? Or well… you?”

“I don’t care. You’re all mine for the entire day.”

Today, my best friend and I threw caution to the wind and ran away from our horrible reality. Where are we headed exactly? I have no idea but anywhere far, far away is good enough.

Our phones are turned off and tucked away in our duffel bags so no one would disturb us. We’re probably going to get hell for it but we’ll just have to deal with that later. Right now, I’m eagerly waiting for Baekhyun’s jeep to take me somewhere oddly familiar.

I smiled at the scenery that started to show outside the window. He knew I’ve been aching to come out to the sea and so that’s exactly where he’s taking me. My head cocked to the side as I daydreamed about chasing the waves and having the sounds of the ocean fill my ears like a melody.

Baekhyun would be there, holding my hand and sharing with me sincere smiles and laughter. I grinned like a creep. I couldn’t wait for it. I was so immersed in the view outside and in my thoughts that I didn’t feel a hand slip into mine. I pulled myself out of my and turned my head to face Baekhyun, my creepy grin softening into a more content and loving one.

“You’ve taken your meds, right? All of them?” I was too busy staring at his side profile and so terribly struck by it that my brain malfunctioned for the moment and made me respond with a stupid nod even if he can’t exactly see me.

From the road, his eyes found mine. The irregular beating of my heart drummed in my ears. His eyes are awfully honest, conveying the love he has for me in the swirls of his irises and in the depth of his pupils. The beating became faster in my chest and in my ears.

Afraid that my chest would start to aching at this rate, I looked away. My cheeks were probably flushed because I heard him chuckle at me. He lifted my hand up to his mouth and pressed his soft lips on my knuckles. My face grew warmer and my small smile grew a tad bit wider.

I began to wonder how in the world was I so blind and dense that I didn’t realize I had fallen for my best friend. Baekhyun always had a different effect on me no matter how many guys I’ve dated before. My relationships never seemed to work out and I’d always end up running back to him.

I can’t believe I didn’t know what it was. I can’t believe I didn’t understand the connection we had, thinking that the pull I always felt was just because we were close, because we were best friends. And now that things are not at all looking up for us, now that hope seemed to be unattainable, now I realize just how in love I am with him and just how in love he is with me.

Just my luck right? Great, absolutely great timing. I heaved a deep sigh as I felt him hold my hand a little tighter, as if he could read my mind and know I was thinking too negatively for my own good. He let go for a moment to change gears then reached for my hand again. He pressed it onto his lips once more then playfully bit it.

I whined and glared at him despite the obvious butterflies that invaded my stomach. He wrinkled his nose at me and laughed. He laughed so melodiously that it almost sounded like a love song in my ears. Gradually, I smiled again. I was happy, extremely, but in the circumstances I’m– we’re under, it’s hard not to let worry settle at the pit of my stomach.

It has been a while since I’ve been seeing the doctor and it was stressing him out too that the only option left for me was surgery. Even if my brothers have saved up for it, I found it useless because my survival through it was unsure. I’d really rather not go through it and accept that I just wasn’t going to live for as long as I’d hoped.

My open-heart surgery is tomorrow. I came out here thinking that today might just be my last day with Baekhyun and I wanted to make it worthwhile. It’s unsettling wondering how things will turn out after today. I’m not exactly that strong to tolerate the pain, I’m not exactly healthy enough and the complications just seemed to overpower any hope of a positive result.

Still, I don’t want these worries to get in the way of our time together now. Today, I just want to have fun and forget about the uncertainty of tomorrow. Today, I want us to just forget that I was dying. I want us to pretend that we weren’t just best friends. Today and probably for the last time, I want us to just love each other.

“We’re here!” Baekhyun joyfully announced as he switched the engine off. Obviously I had been too caught up in my thoughts that I didn’t even notice we already arrived. I let out a squeal, dropping Baekhyun’s hand so I could get out of the car and fill my lungs with the fresh sea breeze.

I hopped off the car and ran towards the shore. “Careful!” Baekhyun hollered as I started to jump on the sand, repeatedly screaming “wow” as the waves came and went. Baekhyun closed the car doors and locked them. “Alright, let’s get settled in before we explore the beach.”

I stopped gawking at the sparkling waters and excitedly jogged over to him. “Can you stop running around like that? You’re gonna get tired,” he muttered through a pout. I rolled my eyes at him and grabbed my duffel bag that he held onto tightly, refusing to hand it to me.

“C’mon, Baekhyun! I’ve taken my meds. I’m going to be fine.” He gave me a long hard look as I repeatedly tugged on my bag. One pleading look and a pout later, he sighed and gave up. He groaned at himself for being weak when it came to me and reluctantly handed me my bag. I grinned at him as I took it and swung it over my shoulder.

My mouth suddenly couldn’t stop talking as he walked up a few steps and opened the door to the beach house. I was asking all sorts of things, ranging from how awesome it was that a house this pretty was just by the beach to how in the world did he found it and rented it for us.

As soon as I set foot inside, I was drawn to the amazing view of the ocean from the floor to ceiling windows. I so dramatically dropped the duffel bag on the floor and shamelessly let my jaw drop at the view. “How did you…?” I trailed as I slowly turned to him.

Baekhyun chuckled, dropping his own bag to wrap his arms around my waist. His smile alone made my knees feel like jelly and the way he’s swaying me side to side basically had my insides turning into mush. And there go the weird beat of my heart, tripling when his lips met mine. “This is Suho hyung’s rest house. I asked if I could borrow it for us.”

An ear splitting smile tugged on my lips and I kissed him one more time before peeling myself off of him so we could sort our things quickly. “Well, let’s not waste any more time. I want to go play at the beach!” I excitedly said as I linked my arm with his and grabbed my bag with my free hand. I dragged Baekhyun and my bag all the way to the bedroom, giggling.

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