Yixing didn’t know what he did wrong. For the past three weeks Jongdae had been avoiding him and he had no idea why. He never said a bad word to him and they always had a good friendship going on, so it made no sense, that for the last three weeks every time Yixing entered the practice room, Jongdae excused himself and went out, and every time he tried to talk to him about a song he was working on, Jongdae told him to talk to Chanyeol about it. Yixing was both hurt and offended. If he did something wrong, he at least deserved to know and maybe apologize and make up for his mistake, but Jongdae didn’t even stay in the same room with Yixing long enough for the latter to ask about his misdeed.

 He didn’t really do anything extraordinary lately – composed a song for their band called “Exodus”, played piano, practiced his dancing, sung his song… Wait. Was this what worried Jongdae? But he seemed so cheerful when he agreed to let Yixing sing the song.

 

xxx

 

When Yixing first composed “Promise” as a thank you for the love they got from the fans, the rest of the band – Junmyeon, Chanyeol and Baekhyun encouraged him to sing it, even if the main vocalist of the band was Jongdae. After the endless persuasion from a certain best-friend called Byun Baekhyun, he took a deep breath and asked Jongdae if it was okay if he sung it. Jongdae loved his position in the band and it was thanks to his amazing voice that they had so many fans, so he didn’t want to do anything to offend the boy he deeply cared about. So he asked Jongdae and spent a few days re-asking just to make sure the boy was okay with it before he preformed it. Jongdae didn’t seem like he minded it, on contrary, he looked happy, almost proud. He remembered practicing the song on his guitar and feeling Jongdae’s eyes on him and every time he looked up the boy gave him thumbs up and complimented him, which left Yixing with blushing cheeks and a fast-beating heart.

Everything seemed fine and even perfect, until their concert. He preformed his song and audience liked it, if the cheers and praises on the internet the next day were any indication, but when Yixing thought about it, that’s how it all started. After his performance they had other two songs to preform before ending the concert, but when the rest of the group came back to the scene, something seemed off with Jongdae. He looked like his mind was somewhere else, which wasn’t a usual occurrence with him, since he loved singing like no one else. Yixing approached him after the concert to find out what was wrong with Jongdae, but the latter avoided making eye-contact and quickly reassured him that nothing was wrong, before taking his bag and heading home. He asked the others as well, but they just shrugged.

xxx

 

So was this it? Jongdae just pretended he was fine with Yixing singing but he actually was the opposite? Did Jongdae feel threatened thinking Yixing will take his place? Was he jealous? If this was the result, Yixing would rather have never sung than had unintentionally ruined his relationship with the person he cared about the most. He always looked up to Jongdae, always tried to write good songs for him, always tried to preform perfectly so he could see his favorite smile directed at him, always cut down his dance practices short, even though after playing guitar it was his biggest passion, just so he’d spend more time with him. All this for nothing, because now Jongdae hated him and couldn’t even spare a look at his direction.

 

Everyone noticed the change in the dynamic between the duo. Junmyeon asked him what had happened, but all he got was a softly mumbled ‘I don’t know either’ before the former rushed to find Jongdae to ask the same question. Junmyeon seemed to have found out something, if the flustered face was any indication, but when Yixing tried to coax him to spell Jongdae’s secret, Junmyeon blushed deeply, looked around before saying that he had to ‘cook something for Byul and take Sehun to see a vet’ before rushing out. Yixing took this incident as a sign that he was right, because if Jongdae said anything about hating Yixing for taking his spotlight, that would explain Junmyon’s flustered state and the obviously made up excuse. So the next time Baekhyun asked what was up with him and Jongdae, he just shrugged and left the room.

xxx

Yixing tried everything to resolve his situation with Jongdae. He never practiced ‘Promise’ and didn’t even talk about singing. He stopped trying to talk to Jongdae and gave him some space. He begun spending more time alone – locking himself in the studio and writing new songs late at night and forgetting both sleep and his previous eating habits. He even begun dancing more, just to clear his head. He woke up early, practiced with the band all morning and afternoon, dance all evening and composed at night. After some time his eye bags were hard to ignore and his exhausted face was all that his band members saw for the past month. They, especially Junmyeon, begun to worry for him, always trying to get him out of his studio or at least to make him eat something. It got to the point that Bakhyun promised to burn his favourite sheep plushy if he didn’t eat and Chanyeol stole his guitar saying ‘I’m doing this for you hyung, because I love you’. Deep down Yixing was greatful for the love and attention he got from his friends, but he wasn’t fully happy because things with Jongdae got even worse. Now instead of ignoring him, Jongdae talked to him but in a way that made Yixing wish he was ignored again. One particular night Yixing hardly managed to conceal his tears before running to the toilet to cry in peace.

 

The band was in Yixing’s studio listening to the new song he composed. It was one of this rare moments when Jongdae had no other choice but to be around Yixing. This broke Yixing’s heart more than he could imagine. Everyone listened to the track silently, but when it finished Jongdae was the first one to speak.

“So this kept you locked up in this studio for so long?” Yixing had never heard Jongdae talk so coldly to anyone before. He felt his heart sinking.

“Yes” nearly whispered Yixing.

“Knowing how much time you spent locked up in this studio, you could have come up with something better.” Jongdae’s every word was laced with hatred and anger, and Yixing felt his eyes watering. Being ignored hurt like hell, but it never made Yixing fell like the world crashed around him.

“Jongdae!” shouted both Baekhyun and Junmyeon at the same time. Chanyeol didn’t even know what to say. He knew that things were difficult between the duo, but he didn’t imagine it was that bad. Never, even in his wildest dream he could have come up with a scenario in which Jongdae would say something like this to Yixing, the same Yixing he had been parsing ever since he first heard a song written by him.

Yixing run out. He couldn’t handle this.

 

xxx

    Yixing spent the whole weekend alone at home. He turned off his phone and didn’t answer the doorbell, knowing there would be standing his band members, at least three of them, looking worried and trying to make things better. But now he needed to be alone. It was too much, even for him. If Jongdae hated him and his songs that much he’d leave the band. The last thing he wanted was to be hated by Jongdae, but he got too selfish, he wanted to get a spotlight too, so now he should suffer the consequences. He had to leave the band he loved with all his heart and forever cut his ties with Jongdae.

With these thoughts in mind, he went back to his tiny studio to get his stuff back before telling Junmyeon that he is leaving the band. He had to do it later, or Junmyeon would probably confiscate his stuff and promise not to give back before making him promise not to leave the band, but Yixing already made his mind. He opened the door of his studio, when he noticed a silhouette sitting in his chair in the dark. He turned the lights on. The person jumped up and looked at him. It was Jongdae. His eyes were puffy and red. For a moment Yixing thought Jongdae was happy-crying because he finally left the band, but then he thought Jongdae, even if hated him, wasn’t that bad of a person, so it had to be something else.

“Y-Yixing?” Jongdae’s voice was coarse. He must have been crying for a while.

Yixing averted his eyes.

“I came back to get my stuff.” Yixing really didn’t feel like dealing with Jongdae today. Not after everything that had happened, so he wanted to cut their chat short, get his stuff and get out of Jongdae’s life once and for all.

“Why would you need to…” something seemed to click in Jongdae’s mind, “Are you leaving the band?”

Yixing didn’t answer.

“I can’t believe it. After everything we went through, you are leaving the band? After our first performance when all our audience were 4 half-drunk people, after surviving on ramyun for 3 months just so you could save enough money to buy your music equipment, after months and months of getting our hopes crashed, we finally succeed, and you want to quit? Just like it?!” Jongdae was fuming.

Jongdae’s words drove Yixing up the wall.

“Just like it?? Do you think I have a choice?” Yixing was screaming, but he didn’t care because after months of getting hurt by Jongdae, Jongdae was the one angry at him. How dare he?

“No one told you to leave the band!” Jongdae was screaming too.

“No one? No one?! Who was ignoring me for more than a month now? Who was leaving the room every time I entered? Who was pretending that they couldn’t hear me when I was talking to them? Who do you think said to my face that the song I put my heart and soul into was crap!!!” Yixing could no longer control his emotions. He wanted to get this off his chest. This may be the last conversation with Jongdae but at least he would finally be clear of where they stood.

For a second Jongdae looked sad, remorseful even, before arching his brows again and glaring back at Yixing.

“So what? I don’t answer to you once or twice and I say that I don’t like your song and you decide to leave the band you worked so hard to create? How childish are you!”

“Once or twice?? Are you ing serious right now? After that damned performance you didn’t spare me a look. If you didn’t want me to sing, you could have said so, but no, you had to let me so later you would take your revenge by pretending I don’t exist!”

Every trace of anger on Jongdae’s face got replaced by pure shock.

“You think I did those things because I didn’t want you to sing instead of me?” Why did Jongdae sound offended when it was Yixing who got the offence? Jongdae’s tone was annoying him to no end.

“So now you admit it?! Why don’t you just say that I’m right and we’ll be done with this circus. It started right after my performance don’t you dare to deny it!” Yixing’s eyes burned again, but he didn’t want to cry. Not in front of him.

“I-I-“ Jongdae seemed lost at words. “It has nothing to do with it. I criticized your song, because I was angry at you for overworking yourself.” Jongdae’s voice became quiet and he lowered his eyes.

“Worried? Is that how you show your worry to your friends? So what, you were worried for me, so you pretended like I didn’t exist for weeks?!” Yixing was close to bursting with anger. “Is this the excuse you choose? Didn’t I tell you not to lie to me?! Why are you still lying after all the suffering you made me go through?” Yixing felt his tears threatening to spill from his eyes.

“I’m not ing lying! I was worried sick for you!” Jongdae looked close to a breakdown too.

“And why would you be worried for me?!”

“BECAUSE I ING LOVE YOU!!!” Jongade shouted back. As soon as these words escaped his lips, his eyes got wide as if he couldn’t believe he said that. Yixing, on the other hand, was dumbstruck.

“What?” Yixing’s question was barely heard but he knew Jongdae heard him.

Jongdae put his head on his hands before answering Yixing’s question, completely avoiding eye-contact.

“I had a crush on you at first sight, when Chanyeol introduced you as the new songwriter and the bass player and you smiled at me. At that moment I knew I’d always want to be closer to you. We spent a lot of time together and I felt myself falling for you but I always denied it, because we were friends and band mates, and even if I wanted something more, I knew I was a friend to you; nothing more, nothing else. After your performance, however, I could no longer ignore my feelings. Seeing you on stage, so confident and so full of passion, made me realize that I never loved anyone more than I loved you. I-I didn’t know what to do with my feelings, so I tried to keep them under control and the only way was to avoid you. I know it was a terrible decision and I noticed your sad smile every time I rejected to spend time with you, but I had no other choice. I know it was a move, Jun made sure I knew that, but I was afraid I would confess to you and ruin everything. But I guess I did in the end ruine everything. I’m sorry.” While talking Jongdae’s voice gradually became strained as if he was trying to control it. He whispered his last words before basically fleeting the room leaving Yixing staring at the spot he stood with a dropped jaw and wide eyes.

xxx

 

     Yixing didn’t appear after their ‘incident’, not that Jongdae expected anything else. He hurt Yixing and then confessed his love for him, what else he could expect? No matter how the apparent rejection hurt, he knew he deserved it, so he bared the pain all alone and didn’t talk to his band members. He noticed the knowing looks Junmyeon shot at him, but it’s not that he could do anything else. Not anymore. So here he was sleeping in the practice room, while the rest were eating, since he lost all his appetite a few days ago when he criticized Yixing’s song. He knew he had no right to say something like that, he didn’t even think the song was bad, but he was angry. Yixing was overworking himself. He was always either dancing or composing. He rarely slept and ate even less. Jongdae was painfully aware of it, but he couldn’t say anything to the boy, because he didn’t dare to face him. He needed to get rid of his feelings before he’d be able to face the boy again. He knew that song was the reason Yixing stayed late up at night, the reason the boy had permanent eye bags, so when he heard it, he couldn’t help but scold Yixing. He hoped the boy would stop staying up late, but instead he went too far. Yixing left the room in tears and Jongdae felt like the worst monster in the whole world. s were pissed, the boy he loved was crying because of him, all because he didn’t want to deal with his feelings.  

He felt something warm and soft on his lips. When he opened his eyes, he saw Yixing with his eyes closed, his lips on his lips. Yixing was kissing him. YIXING WAS KISSING HIM. He felt his heart stopping for a second before it begun to beat so fast he thought Yixing would hear it. Yixing pulled away and smiled at Jongdae with a special smile reserved just for him.

“Is this a dream?” Jongdae couldn’t help but ask.

“What do you think?” Yixing took Jongdae’s hand in his and softly kissed his knuckles.

“This has to be a dream. I hurt you. You can’t be here.” Jongdae wanted to cry again. He slept hoping not to think about Yixing, and this is what he got. A cruel dream in which Yixing kissed him and smiled at him. A cruel dream, because no matter how much Jongdae wanted it, Yixing would never forgive him.

Yixing snorted.

“That’s true. You hurt me deeply, but I can forgive you. I want to forgive you.”

“Why would you?” This dream was too cruel.

“Because I’m very persistent in what I want and I wanted you ever since I first saw you.” Jongdae’s hand was resting on Yixing’s chin and he used it to lightly his lips.

Maybe this wasn’t a dream after all.

Jongdae sat up and just looked at Yixing. His soft gaze, his lips which only a few moment ago were on his, his hands which were still on his wrist. Everything about Yixing in that exact moment made him fall for him all over again. He leaned forward and kissed him, cupping his face.

When they parted, Jongdae rested his forehead on Yixing’s and just enjoyed the moment. His eyes were closed when he talked again.

“I’m sorry, Xing. I never meant to hurt you.”

“Shhh, don’t talk about it now, love. All I want right now is to enjoy having you in my arms. I dreamt so much about this.”

Jongdae leaned to kiss Yixing again. He never hoped to get his feelings returned, and after losing everything, the love of his life was right in front of his eyes, with his hands on his waist.

“You can make up for my sufferings though.” Said Yixing after some time.

“How?” said Jongdae opening his eyes and farrowing his brows.

Yixing opened his eyes too, before closing them again and kissing Jongdae.

“Be my boyfriend?”

“I’ll be the best boyfriend out there, just wait for it.” Jongdae couldn’t believe his happiness.

“I’m sure you will, babe.”

If there was a camera going off in the hands of a certain giant, the duo didn’t need to know.