Soul
Lost"I'm dead?"
It had been a painful question to answer. The blonde woman standing there, innocently lost in her own world, looked more confused than he'd ever seen someone.
"I'm sorry, but you are."
"You'd think I'd remember something like dying." She replied, sitting down as if the truth had knocked the wind out of her.
"You passed away in your sleep. Your neighbour, Mark, found you, unresponsive."
"But I don't understand. I was healthy, I did everything I was supposed to do and I took care of myself."
"As best the doctors could tell, your heart just stopped beating."
"Well. This ." She sounded ready to cry and it hurt his heart. "What do I . . . What do I do?"
"You have to find your way to an afterlife."
Most ghosts had an instinct for their afterlife, being able to find the place that they belonged in death. The way she met his gaze, a terrified panic in her eyes, told him differently.
"Where . . . is that?"
"I don't know. I'm not dead. I can't help you find it."
The panic increased and she nervously wrung her hands. "I don't . . . feel like I have to go anywhere. I still feel alive. I mean, my palms are sweating and my heart is beating so fast, but I don't feel drawn to anywhere. Should I? Am I going to be like this forever?"
"Calm down." He ducked down to her level, making sure he had her attention. "You can stay with me until you find your place, okay? But you can't stay here anymore. You can't live here."
She took a deep breath and held it before giving a stiff, dutiful nod. "Let's do it."
Jaebum felt the bed dip and the warmth of Jackson's breath on his neck. She settled herself against his body, sighing in content when he only cradled her closely.
They had been like this for almost four years now. Jaebum, working his whole life as a medium, had never come across something quite like her, nor had he since. Most ghosts appeared like washed-out photographs, blurred, incomplete versions of their former physical selves. Often times, they were tied to something or someone they left behind and it was his job to gently release them from it, to let them go down the path they were supposed to, to give them their final rest. And like a photograph, they plagued the area like a nightmare, invading thoughts and dreams, but unable to affect the physical world in any way.
And then there was Jackson.
She was most certainly dead, even he could tell that, but she had a presence that was almost physical. What had frightened her apartment's new owners had been her moving things, thinking she was going on with her daily life. They had come to Mark first, thinking that perhaps it was him that was doing it, but he knew her habits all too well and Jaebum, a friend of his boyfriend's, had been his first call. Jinyoung had been waiting there with Mark, worry etched onto his face both for Mark and for Jaebum. When the medium had walked out a half hour later, Jinyoung only looked more worried. It was always hard for people to come to terms with his one-sided conversations.
Behind him, Jackson had started to cry at the sight of Mark and his heart wrenched for her. She could see him, could probably touch him, but he would never hear her again, would never know it was her. He felt bad, really bad, and as soon as they were out of sight of the others, he had opened his arms to her. He had been surprised to feel someone incredibly solid press into him, to see his clothing move with the shifting of the invisible mass against his chest - well, the mass invisible to anyone else. He could see Jackson very clearly.
It was four years, almost to the day, since he had met her.
"JB?"
He cocked his head to her, nuzzling into the blonde strands and hummed. "Yeah?"
"What happens if I don't want to leave?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I've been with you when you go on jobs, right? They always have to go and sometimes I can see their doorway. But I don't have one. I don't have one, but even if I did . . . what would happen if I didn't want to go?"
"It would be bad for you." He down her hair. "You're not supposed to linger here. The longer you do, the weaker you become and the less like yourself you are."
"What about those spirits from the MIddle Ages and things?"
"They are only around so long because they twist themselves into monsters and become evil. They feed off living people."
"Oh. What if I didn't do that but stuck around?"
"You would wither away into nothingness and truly cease to exist."
"Oh."
"I've seen some really old ghosts. It's sad, actually."
"And what happens if I never get my door? If I don't have an opening to leave?"
"Then you're probably supposed to be here. Sometimes the world works in funny ways."
Jinyoung excused himself, disappearing from the kitchen and down the hallway to the bathroom.
Mark shuffled a little nervously, looking down at his hands. "Jaebum?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you . . . Do you think that Jackson watches over me?"
Beside him, she made a wounded noise, unconsciously reaching out to her best friend before stopping herself.
"She absolutely does."
Mark sighed, running his hands through his hair. "God, I sound stupid."
He winced as she loudly objected. "Look who you're talking to. People pay me to talk to things they can neither see nor hear."
"You never did tell me what ti was like inside the apartment."
Jaebum feigned looking away, but was actually looking at Jackson. They had made the deal back when he first took her in that it was up to her to decide when and how Mark got to know about her, if at all.
"Tell him. Everything." There was a note of desperation in her voice. Mark hadn't broached the subject of Jackson with Jaebum ever. Even for the original meeting, it was JInyoung who had called and set the whole thing up.
He looked back to Mark. "No one takes the news of their own death well, for starters."
That got a laugh out of the blonde man, but there were poorly hidden tears in his eyes.
"Tell him that I'm still around! That I can touch things!"
"She, uh . . . How do I put this?" He took a deep breath. "Please don't look at me like I'm crazy."
"Never. I believe whole-heartedly that you can see and speak to the dead. You could tell me the afterlife was made out of chocolate and I would believe you."
He chuckled. "As flattering as that is, it's not exacatly true. Most ghosts go to an afterlife and watch over their loved ones from there. Even ones that get stuck go there once I cut them loose. Jackson wasn't like the rest of them right from the start. Ghosts can't actually affect the real world, only dreams and a bad feeling crawling up someone's back. Jackson's actually able to move things, to affect the current world. Not only that, but after she acknowledged she's dead - which was her issue - her door to the afterlife was supposed to open up and she would be drawn to it. As it stands now, the door still hasn't appeared. She, uh, she lives with me, for lack of a better term."
Mark blinked, taking a moment to process that. "What do you mean, lives with you?"
"I couldn't just let her roam like I normally would because she can affect our world and cause some real damage. So she kind of follows me around."
"Does that mean she's here right now?" The Californian wasn't able to hide the excitement in his tone.
"Can I? Can I, JB?" Jackson was probably seconds away from shaking a yes out of him.
"Yeah, but be gentle. He can't see you to expect you anymore."
Mark looked vaguely surprised for a moment before he was wrapped up in a hug. He squeaked, freezing.
"What's happening?!"
"That's-" He watched the hurt shatter her face. "-Jackson."
It was always hard for Jaebum - he knew who was dead and who was alive by the feeling he got in his chest when he looked at them, the way a steadily growing ache would centre in his brain. However, he had issues connecting that knowledge with the visual, especially with Jackson. She was so much like an actual person, not only by keeping her personality intact, but because she was such a weighty prescence in his world. On one level, he knew Mark couldn't see her, was startled by the sudden feeling of feeling against his body, but to Jaebum, she was perfectly visible, truly real and alive right there. What he knew and what he experienced had always had issues connecting.
"Can she- Can she understand me?"
"Yeah. you just can't see or hear her."
Mark took a deep breath. "Okay, off for a sec."
Obediently, Jackson let him go, looking worried and fearful. This was her first interaction with someone other than Jaebum since she had died.
Mark held up his hands. "Press your hands to mine and hold still."
Again, she followed his instructions, worry fading into confusion. Mark took another shuddery breath, then started feeling up her arms, thin fingers tracing over her divots with increasing familiarity. He traced up her shoulders, feeling out to the blades, then in to her neck. He pulled her forwards, then, hugging her fiercely.
"I can hardly believe it's you." Mark whispered, voice broken and harsh.
"I've really missed you." Jaebum repeated. "There have been so many things I've wanted to talk to you about and I want respond when you tell Jaebum about your day but I can't and I can't have him ask because it woudl be weird and give him and me away and what a mess. I wish that you could hear me, too. That would be so great - I wouldn't have to speakw tih you through JB. I wish you could see me, too, that way you don't walk into me and you can see all my stupid flailing. I wish . . . I wish I was still alive, Mark."
With that, Mark started to cry in earnest. Jackson held him through it, not flinching in the slightest as his sobs escalated and he clutched her so tightly it was like he would die the moment he let go.
"Jinyoung is coming." Jaebum repeated, his voice low and sad, the same as hers. The twisting feeling of grief in his gut was nothing compared to the anguish on her face as she pried her best friend off her, wiping away his tears and trying to make it seem like he was more okay than he was.
"I leave for a moment to go to the bathroom and I come back to Mark sobbing? What the hell, Jaebum?!"
"It was me, it was me." Discreetly, he tagged Jackson to tell her to move. Obviously used to it, she did so immediately, takig Jaebum's hand in hers and gripping it very tightly, obviously particularly wound up. "I asked about Jackson. I should have known better."
Jinyoung instantly softened, coming to sit next to his boyfriend and hold him close. "Sorry. I won't push."
"No, no, it's fine. We'll talk after Jaebum leaves."
"Should I go?" The medium asked.
"Please stay. We haven't seen you in months and I don't want to lose you that soon." Mark replied, wiping his eyes, though his gaze was directed slightly behind Jaebum to Jackson (or where he assumed Jackson was).
It hurt him, sometimes, when he thought about it.
Months and months of living together, Jackson shadowing him because she was lost without him, and they had wound up here. A man made to see the dead and a ghost with the prescence of the sun, bound together unnaturally in an unavoidable way.
Her legs around his waist, one hand buried in his hair and the other digging fingernails into his back. He was ing slow, hard, deep, groaning as she moaned into his ear. She was so alive under him - all hot whimpers, tight holds, tender caresses and deceptive realism. He felt her there, her s pressed into his chest, the moist heat between her legs that he was buried inside, the taste of her lips, the softness of her hair between his fingers.
"I-" Her breath hitched, the air punched from her. "I love you, JB. I- oh! I love you."
He rumbled low in his chest, pulling his face out from where it was buried in her neck and met her gaze. The large black pools were very honest, but also resigned - she knew she was dead, that she depended on him and not the other way around, that there was no possiblity of a future or a family for them, that it was foolish to have let herself fall for him. But there was also strength there; she knew all that she was (and all that she wasn't) but was unwilling to hide behind it. She would not diminsh herself, would not hide. She had nothing to fear and nothing to lose.
He touched their noses, closing his eyes as he nuzzled her. "I love you too, Jack. And I've got you."
The smile she gave him was enough to thaw out all the cold crevices of his soul and bring life to all the dark corners of his heart.
"I wish I had of known you before now. I wish I had of been with you when I was alive."
"There is no less of you now." He ran his fingers over her temple and down her jawline, tilting her head back into his kiss. "This way, I don't have to share any of you. I get all of this beauty to myself."
She flushed under his praise, eyes flickering like she wanted to avert them. "I don't want to share you, either."
"You don't have to, baby girl." He cooed, resuming his lazy pace. "You're the only person at my side. You know that."
"I don't want to the world to see this." Her hand slid out of his hair and down his neck, trailing over his an tracing across the lines of his torso. "I don't want anyone to know."
He kissed her again, thumb tucked under her jaw as he held her head. She mewled and let him do what he wanted, fingers curling against his side as his tongue slipped into . His free hand dropped down to her thigh, hiking it up higher and gripping it firmly, rocking into her harder. Her hand jumped back up to his hair, tugging on it just hard enough to make him rumble when he hit the right spots.
"Don't let me go, Jaebum." She whimpered. "Don't ever let me go."
"I promise." He grunted back, holding her gaze. "I won't let anything take you from me."
Jaebum just sighed. "Mom, stop."
His mother frowned. "Jaebum, you have to find yourself a woman. I want grandchildren."
Jackson, standing behnd him with her hand on his neck, started to fidget.
"And I don't."
"How could you be so selfish?" She continued. "You need a wife and a family, Jaebum."
HIs father scoffed. "A proper job would be a step in the right direction."
At this, Jaebum sat up straight, eyes narrowing and shoulders tensing. "I support myself being a delusional freak of nature without relying on anyone else."
Jackson's fingers crawled into his hair. His father sat back a little, surprised.
"That's not what-"
"That's exactly what you're saying." Jaebum spit back. "You'e said it since I was a little boy. But I don't really care whether or not you believe me. I make my own money and how I live my life is none of your business." He rounded on his mother. "And its not yours, either. If I don't want a wife and kids, that's up to me. Stay out of it."
"Jaebummie . . . " Jackson cooed against his neck, nuzzling into his hairline. "Don't get mean."
He sighed and slumped back into her touches, trying very hard not to melt into them. If he forgot about where he was and lost himself in her, he would regret it.
"Jaebum, I didn't mean to upset you." His mother said softly, as if he was a cat on edge.
"It sure feels deliberate." He stood from the table. "Thank you for having me over. I think its best if I leave now."
"No, please-"
"I have an early job tomorrow morning and I can't stay any later." He said firmly. "I'll see you later."
"O-Okay." She replied meekly, watching her son walk away.
Jaebum drove away, parking in a far back lot of a nearby mall before climbing into the back seat. Jackson welcomed him with open arms, kissing away the frustrated tears.
"I know they don't experience it, so it's hard to believe." His fists clenched in his lap under her hand. "But it's not fake. You're as real as I am and I've seen so many ghosts before you. Not believing me is one thing, being a freak . . . "
"I'm sorry." Jackson, helpless, just kissed and held him. She moved onto his lap, resting her chin on his head.
"Please don't leave me." He choked into her collarbones, squeezing her. "I know you're thinking about it. You'll say 'If I leave, he'll find a living woman. They can be together and be happy.' No. Stop thinking it. You might be stuck with me, but you don't understand. I'm yours. You own me, Jackson. I'll never feel this way about anyone else and even if I could, I don't know that I would want to. Don't leave me. Don't return my heart. I wouldn't know what to do with its pieces."
She made a wounded sound in the back of and held him tighter. "You promised not to let me go. I won't let you go either."
"You where thinking it, though, weren't you?"
"I mean, yeah." She silenced him with a kiss. "No one likes to see the person they love suffer for them."
"I would suffer more with you gone."
She cracked a smile. "I'm starting to see that."
"I love you, Jackson." The words left them in silence. She was cupping the back of his head with one hand, the other holding his cheek. His arms were wrapped desperately around her waist, holding her to him like without them she would drift away into space and be lost forever.
She gave him a watery smile back. "I love you too, JB."
"I know."
HIs brother held his tongue, ducking his head. "Right. Medium."
Jaebum breathed a heavy sigh. "Sorry. I didn't mean to be an ."
"No, I get it." He sat down next to his brother, laying his head on Jaebum's strong shoulder. How the other man was still so fit at this age was a mystery - especially since he didn't have a little lady back home to pester him about it. "I imagine you saw mom before she left."
Jaebum remained silent. HIs mother hadn't come to see him. She hadn't bothered, despite hanging around a couple of days. It was Jackson who felt her die, waking him up from a sound sleep with her crying. Jackson had never much liked his mother - especially for all her doubting him - but she was a deeply emotional person and felt the loss of his mother the same way (though perhaps a little less severe) she would have her own mother. Thankfully, her mother and father were still alive and well. He couldn't imagine trying to console her should they pass on.
"I didn't really think you'd have anything to say about that. I'm sorry she never believed you."
"That's not your fault. I never expected anyone to believe me." He blinked and his eyes felt like they were lined with sand. "The only people who did were usually already dead. A captive audience, if you will."
His brother snorted. "The comedian, even now."
"I guess so."
The other man sighed and got up, readjusting himself and wiping away tears. "Well, I have to get going. I'll make sure to give you a ring next time I'm in town, okay? I know you want to be alone right now."
"Thanks. See you around."
As soon as his brother left, the door leaving behind a dull ringing that seemed to grow in the silence. It was deafening, really. He wasn't used to being without someone around anymore. Nearly twenty years since he walked into Jackson's apartment and he had become so used to her - she was an extension of him now.
"I don't want to be alone."
A weak touch crawled up his neck, into the black hair sparsed with creeping silver. Jackson, silent and dark with worry, moved to stand in front of him. She crouched, her beautiful, ageless face pinched in anxiety.
"I'm right here. I'll always be right here."
He tried to give her a smile, to convey how grateful he was to her, for her, but it didn't come out like he intended. "You don't have to protect me, Jacks."
"Jaebum," She ran her thumbs across his brows. "listen to me very closely. She can eat dirt."
He tried to pull back in surprise, but Jackson was just as strong and youthful as the day she died and he was getting older with each day, grey creeping in at the temples.
She held his gaze, strong and determined. "To hell with her if she thought you were crazy and didn't come to see you just to remain stubborn. If she wants to be like that, then you didn't want to see her after all. I know its terrible and it hurts. But your brother and I will never let you go. We've got you. I'll always be there, no matter what happens. Do you understand me?" Her face softened. "I think it's your turn to cry now."
He slid off the chair and into her arms, tucking his face into her neck. Then he started to sob.
Oh God, this light was awful.
"Jaebum! Jaebum! Oh God, Oh God, what do I do? Jaebum! Wake up, please!"
It felt like he was in water, being down into a vortex. The light faded and blackness took him only for him to emerge face-up on the other side, blinded once more.
"No! Jaebum, no, no! No! Nonono! You can't do this! You're not ready yet! You can't be! Don't you dare die before I told you to!"
Oh. That was Jackson. Why did she sound different? It was like she was closer, like he'd been hearing her through a wall all these years but was now in the room with her. That was ridiculous, though. She'd been in his arms most of his life. She'd been there when his parents passed away, when his brother got married, when they had their children, when those children had children. She'd been the first face the youngest grandchild had been - born a medium like her great-uncle. The babe had had immediately fallen in love with Jackson and had to be held by him every time they came over so that Jackson could play with her, to keep her from crying. And of course, she'd been there to help hold Jinyoung together when Mark passed away, as well as he himself when Jinyoung passed away a year later.
"Jackson, sweetheart, don't worry."
"No, Mark, you don't understand-"
"You have to let him."
"Jinyoung, don't-"
"Jackson, if you don't let him come over, he'll get stuck in a coma."
The light faded out and he was sitting on the edge of his bed, staring at Jackson's face. It was creased in worry and fear, Mark and Jinyoung standing behind her. He shook his head, rubbing his eyes. It felt like the whole world was too big to process.
"What happened?"
Mark gave a sympathetic smile. "Welcome to the other side, Jae."
"The other side?" He cocked his head, running his hand through his hair.
"You died." Jinyoung said, wincing.
Immeidately, he looked down at himself, surprised to find the body of a nubile twenty-five year old staring back at him. It was then it occurred to him that Mark and Jinyoung were looking remarkably fresh for eighty-something year-old dead men.
"So, this is what death feels like, huh?"
Jackson cupped his face with her hands and she was so warm it almost burned. He wanted to jump into her flame and never leave. "Are you okay, baby?"
"I mean, I just found out I'm dead, so that's pretty new." He blinked at her, his laugh a little humourless. "Now I know what it felt like to be you."
"What do you mean?"
"To be told you're dead when you didn't know."
She frowned harder. "Jaebum . . . "
He reached out and pulled her into his arms. Suddenly, the whole world tilted on its axis his bedroom - along with his cooling body - vanished. All four of them wound up in a small seaside cottage, waves gently lapping at the edge of the shore. The wind was warm, but not overwhelming. Jinyoung grinned to himself when he looked around.
"We're back." He said to Mark, who nodded serenely.
"Back?" Jackson questioned.
Mark nodded, taking Jinyoung's hand and wandering off, leaving the two lovers alone.
"Have you ever been here?" He asked.
"No. I've never been able to leave the mortal world. You know that. I have no idea where we are."
It took him a moment, but once it clicked, he couldn't help but start laughing.
"What's so funny?" She asked, growing more concerned by the moment.
"I was your gateway." He said with a broad smile.
"Huh?"
"The reason you couldn't leave for the afterlife. I was your gateway all along." He pulled her in for a kiss, one that got his engine revving up. "I just hadn't died yet."
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