He knocked again and called out her name but she didn’t answer. Deciding that she wasn’t home he began towards the elevator when the sound of breaking glass caught his attention. “Joy,” he called out racing back to the door but it had fallen silent. “Joy, open the door now,” he shouted. Once again, no answer. She wasn’t going to open it. Pressing his ear against the door he tried listening for any signs of her. “I’m coming in!”

He punched in the date of his birthday but it didn’t work. Then he tried hers but the door didn’t open. He began punching in combinations of important dates like the day they first met, their first anniversary, the day they both got Nora their cat, and finally the day her parents passed but none worked. He thought he knew every important date to the two lovers. But as he continued to scan his mind for any other possible number combinations, he froze, unable to press the buttons. A little taken aback by his own thought he slowly took a breath:

0308

            Opening the door, a bottle came flying in his direction shattering against the white wall beside him, coating it red. In one hand, she had a glass of wine and in the other a bottle of pills. Although it was hard to see the wrapping, he knew they were sleeping pills. Spread across her coffee table where tipped over pill bottles with its contents flowing out along with crushed cans of beers and 2 empty bottles of wine decorating the floor alongside it.

            “Oh hey,” her words slurred. “It’s you,” she chuckled as she stood up from her couch trying to balance herself. Noticing her guest, she tried placing the wine glass on the coffee table only making it crash against the marble tiled floor spilling the red wine. “Oops,” she said giggling, “I’m such a klutz. Come here.” She moved closer to him, stumbling every step she took. He watched as she struggled to walk straight, catching her before she could fall.

            “I’m fine see,” she said pushing herself out of his arms only to fall back in them. He sighed. With her so close he finally noticed her tear stained cheeks. Her eyes were puffy and red like if she had been crying for a week. Her hands bandaged from all the cuts she received from her glass cups. “Where is he?” she suddenly asked, her tears beginning to fall again. “Where is he?” she shouted. “I want him, I need him, I need him right now.” She tried standing up but endlessly kept failing and began hitting his chest. “Where is he? I need him, give him to me,” she cried out as her body shook from her sobs. She continuously hit his chest as she stood and when her leg finally gave out she fell to the floor, with him following after her.

Her head was spinning making her nauseous. She groaned from the bad hangover and slowly began to sit up in her bed. How had she ended there? The last thing she remembered was washing herself away with the pills and the drinks. She believed it was in their living room. Pain shot up into her head and she groaned again deciding to push the thought aside. It didn’t matter, the damage was done and she was there, now she just needed to make it to the bathroom before ruining their bed.

“When did you get here?” she asked as she found an unexpected guest in their living room. It seemed he had cleaned up. All the pills and cans were gone. The coffee table was cleaned from the wine stains and the floor was gleaming with water. She was confused at his sudden appearance. She had heard that he had woken up a week ago, but she was too far into her usual ritual that she didn’t make time to go check on him. She closed her eyes and sighed as she rubbed her face in her hands.

“Joy,” he spoke softly and motioned for her to take a seat with him on their couch. “We should talk,” he continued and she could feel tightening up as she tried not to cry. “Please.”

It took a while but she finally took the seat next to him. “I’m sorry,” he started and it took all the strength she had left in her weak body to not cry. She leaned back into their couch and instead of crying she scoffed. Maybe she just didn’t feel like needing his sympathy or empathy or whatever you want to call it. Maybe she was done with crying and just needed to get her anger out. Maybe that was it because before he could say anything else she stood up from the couch and just scoffed at him some more. “Joy?”

“What?” she asked. “Are you here to comfort me? Did you come to make me feel better?” Her body and her mind had finally given up and her emotions were tearing her up from the inside out. She didn’t know whether to cry or be angry. She didn’t know whether to hold her friend or hit him. She didn’t know if whether still living in their house was good for her or moving would help her forget. She just didn’t know what to do anymore. Her emotions, her body, her mind, they were all in turmoil and she didn’t know which to follow.

“Joy,” he tried again, standing up to make her sit but she just brushed him away.

“I don’t want to hear it, especially not from you. I didn’t want to hear it from anyone else why would you be any different.” He opened his mouth to speak but she jumped in, “Right because you understand what I’m going through right? You’re in the same exact position as me. Yeah, like everyone else out there. I know, they all lost someone but,” she paused to take a breath, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Joy,” he whispered as he grabbed her wrist. “I know that you lost someone you loved and yes, we may not have the same feelings but I did lose him too. I lost him and,” he swallowed the lump in his throat,” the others.” There was a long pause before he continued. “I was there and I couldn’t do anything. You know I would’ve done anything to bring him back if I could.” He was squeezing her wrist tightly now as he tried controlling his own emotions. Clearing his throat as though it would help make the lump in his throat disappear he continued, “It was my fault I know it was. I never should’ve convinced you to let him go. I hate myself just as much as you hate me okay?” His emotions and his strength had failed him. His eyes watered over and the tears were falling. He hoped she didn’t turn around. He was there to comfort her not to be comforted.

            “Your year froze but mine continued,” she began, her voice cracking. She closed her eyes and didn’t dare to look at him. She didn’t want him to see her being vulnerable, or at least she didn’t want him to see more of her vulnerable side. “You were stuck in a time loop with endless nothing and I continued to live the year feeling like I’m dying as if I’m drowning forever.” Her voice rose. She couldn’t help remembering the blurry nothingness she felt. “I feel like I’m drowning, I feel like I can’t breathe anymore. I don’t even know how I’m still moving, I can’t do this, I can’t do this anymore.” Her sobs had broken the wall she built. Her sense of vulnerability was showing but she willed herself to let her words come out. “That’s the thing too,” she chuckled. “I should hate you, I should despise you, loathe you but I don’t.” felt strain. “If I had realized sooner I wouldn’t have lost them both.” Too consumed by grief, her words had been forgotten. Her body responded to the emotion, letting her fall onto her knees as she buried her face into her hands forgetting that he was there.

He looked down at her. He could see the whole year in the way she spoke. That whole year that tore her apart. That whole year that he...

“Both?” he asked himself aloud recalling her last words. Kneeling beside her, he tried asking her what she meant by ‘both’ but the words disappeared. Instead, he pulled her body close to comfort her.

The storm that brewed in her had calmed. She was slowly dozing off, rain still falling from her eyes. His shirt was soaked and his body shook from the cold air. Helping her off the floor, he lifted her and carried her sleeping body up the stairs.

He tucked her in their bed thinking that this was probably the first time since that day that she had fallen into a peaceful sleep without the need for pills or wine. He hadn’t realized how exhausted he felt or how his legs tingled from kneeling for so long until he was sitting beside her sleeping body. He sighed softly. Pressing his face into his fist where his elbow rested on his knees, he couldn’t stop thinking. How had things turned out like this? Why was it only him? What was he going to do now? What was he going to do with her?