Tomorrow was the day. In the blink of an eye, the day had come. Ilhoon promised himself to get a good rest that night, to look good for his partner. Everything felt surreal. It was way beyond his wildest imaginations that this day would come. He climbed up his bed and looked at the bed opposite him. His heart fluttered at the thought of his dearest partner, who wasn’t even in bed. Yook Sungjae, learn to come home on time will you? He closed his eyes. And then he opened them again. He tossed and turned hoping that the continuous movement could tire him out so his obstinate eyelids could shut. He sang himself a lullaby, he counted one sheep, two sheep, three sheep, until he reached thirty and realized he would end up counting till broad daylight. Nothing worked but it would have been weird if something did. Tomorrow was the big day.

He figured that staying in bed was just going to frustrate him since a bed is to be slept on but he couldn’t fall asleep. He tip-toed his way out as the rest of the group had drifted into dreamland. Walking down the pathway towards the empty grassy field felt like a trip down memory lane. It used to be the pair’s daily routine, taking the longest route along the unused pathway, lying down on the fluffy grass patch, then counting the few stars in the sky although there was somehow always five. Ilhoon walked to the middle of the field and lied down. The grass was still the same, fluffy and soft, radiating warmth on a cold and breezy night. He wished Sungjae was by his side. Yook Sungjae, learn to reject some schedules will you? The warm grass feels cold without you. He stared at the dark sky. The sky was always dark but a tint of purple and five stars never failed to bring enough light for the two to stare into each other’s faces. This place feels darker without you. He counted the stars, one, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five.  “See you tomorrow precious one, make sure you iron your suit. One, two, thre-

“Can’t you iron it for me?” Ilhoon turned and the tall silhouette ran towards him. Ilhoon shifted a little and opened his arm for the younger one to come into his embrace. “Tomorrow is the big day how could you only come back now? I missed you.” Sungjae smiled and snuggled up as a form of apology. “Hyung, make sure the event is private tomorrow.” Ilhoon nodded listening to the old child nag. “And the rings, the rings are most important.” Ilhoon tried to hold down the intense feelings that overwhelmed him as the young one went on. Tomorrow was the day. The day had really come. The more he thought about it, the more unbelievable it felt. “Hyung, keep counting.” “Why?” “Just because.” “Okay okay. One, two-“ “Count in your heart, stupid. I want to sleep.” Ilhoon watched the younger drift off to sleep. One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five……

One, two, three, four, five. One, two, three, four, five. One, tw- A huge gush of cold wind blew on Ilhoon and he opened his eyes a little. One, two, three, four, five. Six."Six." He closed his eyes as a tear rolled down, into the soil.

After a long day filled with unavoidable schedules, the group silently took their van back home. They changed into their suits in silence. They boarded the van again in silence. The roads were dark, the weather was cold, the van was silent. Ilhoon hated the silence. Ilhoon hated the pitying looks that shot him like arrows, straight into his heart that was scarred and broken enough. He looked at the rings everyone was wearing. The rings were the only things that sparkled that night. BtoB rings, what a child. Sungjae made the group rings last year, with all seven of their initials engraved on each ring. Ilhoon still remembered Sungjae’s disappointment when the group cringed upon receiving the rings. He smiled a little.

The boys entered the grassy field. This field’s grass felt less fluffy, less soft, less warm. The air felt heavy. The night seemed darker than stormy dark nights.

Minhyuk stepped forward first. 

“Sungjae-ya, how have you been? We wore our BtoB rings today. You’re so cheesy I almost peed in my pants. But, I miss your cheese, I miss your irrational love for BtoB, I miss you, little one.”

Peniel took off his cap.

“Ta-da! Sungjae look, my hair grew back well. I’ve been wearing caps again so I could show you first.”

Changsub walked over. 

“The rules changed and I got to enter King of Masked Singer again! I made it to the Third Round this time, loser. I wish you were here to sulk over my victory.”

Hyunsik took out a thumbdrive. 

“Your hubby finally made a solo debut. I composed half of his songs, you should listen. You will be proud of us, especially him.”

Eunkwang went next.

“Sungjae-ah, how is life up there? Are there roads? Are there cars? I’ll burn them all down for you so you don’t have to fear a second time. The driver got caught a month ago. He will get what he deserves so you can leave in peace.”

Eunkwang had tears welling up in his eyes. Minhyuk breathed deeply as tears threatened to fall. Hyunsik smiled a little but his eyes didnt disappear nor form two cresents. Changsub clenched his fists a little, hoping he wouldnt break down in front of the rest. Peniel sniffed a little.

Ilhoon smiled.

He looked up, at the 6^th star in the dark sky.

“Yook Sungjae, today feels a little brighter. Now I have one more star to count too. I guess you meant it when you left promising to be the light in our darkest days. Happy 1^st death anniversary my star.”