The music fades out completely leaving him in an empty studio with haggard breaths and aching muscles. He can’t remember what time he got started and he isn’t quite sure what time it is now but with their impending comeback and his unsettling nerves he can’t worry about overworking, it’s a minor inconvenience in this line of work anyway. He wipes the sweat from his brow and the fog from the mirror with the end of his hoodie and restarts the track. Even without the burden of being a leader Junghwan can’t help from feeling like he’s somehow holding the group back.

 

**

 

He gets home around four, body aching and tight from hours of practice. He can’t remember the last time he spent so long working out and is eternally grateful for the fact that B1A4 isn’t known for their overzealous dance routines or synchronization. He expected to come home to a cold empty apartment like most nights and fall into bed quickly to knock out a few hours of sleep before having to get up and do the same thing all over again. What he didn’t expect was Chansik curled up somewhat uncomfortably on his small couch with the TV playing his solo track—seemingly on repeat. Usually he’d be happy for the gesture but tonight it makes his skin crawl.

 

The volume is on higher than it usually is he must’ve been trying to keep himself awake, he thinks. He sets his bag down beside his shoe rack and walks over to where the remote had fallen out of Chansik's hand. The batteries have fallen beneath the couch, he groans walking over and shuts off the TV manually with a bit more aggressiveness than necessary. He throws the dead remote onto the coffee table wincing at the loud clatter it makes when it hits the glass. He peeks over at Chansik, still asleep. After the initial ringing in his ears dies out the apartment is cascaded in both silence and darkness, the only sounds being Junghwan's socked feet padding across the wooden floor and their breathing. He kneels down beside his sleeping boyfriend, ignoring the searing pain that shoots through his body and brushes the long hair from across his forehead.

 

“Chansik-ah” he whispers.

 

When there’s no response he places a small kiss on his forehead and attempts to carry him to his bedroom across the hall. He can't see a thing but he's lived here long enough to know how to get around in the dark. He struggles at lifting him from the couch; one part on his overworked muscles two parts on a strangely heavy Chansik. Through the process of half carrying half dragging him across the hall he doesn’t wake, only when Junghwan removes his jeans and sweater and pushes him under the covers do Chansik’s eyes flutter open.

 

“I was waiting for you.”

 

Junghwan slides the whole of his hand down to Chansik cheek, and brushes his thumb across his cheekbone. “You didn’t have to.”

 

Chansik scoffs sleepily, still not having woken up. His face slightly swollen with sleep and Junghwan feels himself falling in love all over again when Chansik smiles. “That, is an insult to my chivalry Lee Junghwan.”

 

He laughs, it’s throaty and deep and Chansik’s eye smile when it happens leaves him feeling warm. “Ah, right. Your chivalry must remain intact. I apologize.” Junghwan leans over and gives Chansik another soft peck on the forehead before retrieving his hand. “I’m going to have a shower, go back to sleep.” Chansik pouts but nevertheless closed his eyes and seemingly drifted off.

 

**

Chansik fingers trail up his , the rough pads of his fingertips leave goosebumps in their wake. Junghwan pushes his face further more into the pillow, throwing his arms towards Chansik’s general direction intending to push him away. His fingertips don’t stop, running back and forth across his spine. Every so often Chansik “accidentally” scratchs him causing him to grimace and shut his eyes. No doubt in red scratches lining his pale back.

 

“That hurts.” Junghwan whines and tries to pull away but Chansik just laughs and grips him by the waist, flipping him over onto his back. He keeps his eyes shut tightly not quite ready to wake up. He hears Chansik low, scratchy breathing above him having just woken up himself and he hears the muted sounds of a never sleeping city just outside his window. He feels Chansik grip on him tighten, his thumb drawing circles on his bare hipbone, he fails at suppressing a shiver. His own peach body wash wafts over them both. The mix of it with the soft smell of laundry and the fading smell of Chansik’s cologne leaves him breathless. Chansik always seems to have that effect on him. He can’t see him but he can feel Chansik’s eyes on his, he doesn’t have to open his own to see the softness of his gaze or the longing look that always seems to be there when Chansik thinks he isn’t looking. (He’s always looking.)

 

He opens his eyes, the room is dark the only source of light being the alarm clock blinking 6:33 in angry red blocked font. He can barely make out Chansik smiling above him, all traces of sleep wiped away with the curl of his lips.

 

“I love you.” it’s whispered against his collarbone bone, against the crown of his head and against his lips when Chansik kisses him. he’s always so warm, even when his cheeks are flushed from the cold wind and his fingers are numb from the chilly Seoul weather, he always feels heat eradicating from his chest and from wherever Chansik is touching him. Junghwan kisses him again, and again until his lips are dry. They’re soft kisses, nothing more but Junghwan is burning up inside. Chansik places kisses across his cheeks his nose and even goes as far as to kiss both his eyelids. Junghwan sighs and falls deeper in the bed, he wants to hear it again he doesn’t think he could ever get tired of Chansik soft voice muttering those words. He doesn't have to hear them to know though, the feeling is always there, lingering, engulfing them. He hears it in the way Chansik asks if he’s eaten or when he makes him drink lots and lots of water when they’re practicing or when he takes care of him despite Junghwan being older. Even in the way he dresses up as a stranger to surprise him at a fansign. He hears it especially in the way he doesn’t force Junghwan to say it back.

 

It’s not like he doesn’t love Chansik, he does. Immensely, more than anyone and anything. Its overwhelming and terrifying—especially in this line of work. He doesn't know what he would do if he lost him, if somehow telling him his feelings would make him disappear. Saying I love you makes him vulnerable and although Chansik already taken that risk Junghwan's not so sure he can too  When Chansik says it, it makes him feel warm and safe and ready to take on the world. What if he says it and Chansik suddenly decides he doesn’t feel the same way? Like it was just some big game or pipe dream?” It’s not like he’d be able to move on when his entire life revolves around him. That fact scares him the most, the fact that his entire being wouldn't be without Gong Chansik.

 

He remembers sharing his fears with Jinyoung and although he looked somewhat uncomfortable he never passes on an opportunity to give his opinion. “Junghwan-ah,” He spun around on his chair in the studio giving him a wistful look “you’re worrying too much for someone who has nothing to lose.” He still isn’t sure what Jinyoung meant because yes—he does have something to lose, his relationship, his friendships his whole career is on the line when it comes to this, this thing this monumental feeling he doesn’t even have a name for.

 

Even in his small apartment under the covers with a boy he never thought would love him back but does, Junghwan still feels unsteady. Chansik buries his face into his neck, with each breath that tickles his skin Junghwan feels himself relaxing. He sighs and lets Chansik tangle their legs together beneath the duvet.

 

“Are you okay?” It’s soft, like it usually is but heavily laced with concern, which isn’t new either. He inwardly curses at himself for making Chansik worry.

 

There’s a long silence, both of them just stare at each other. His mouth falls open, but closes soon after out of thought.

 

“Yeah. I’m just a little sore.”

 

They both know that wasn’t what Chansik was asking but he doesn’t push any further he just runs a hand through his hair lightly scratching his scalp. Junghwan leaves his brooding for another night preferably where he’s alone and doesn’t have to worry Chansik like he always does.

He knows he loves Chansik and that Chansik loves him but he also knows that where they live isn't as accepting as to how  they live, so he's thankful for the small moments they can muster together. A smile across the stage or the way Chansik can't seem to stop touching him even when they're on camera or even a Wednesday morning where the sun hasn't yet risen but they lie awake in each other's arms.

 

He's thankful for the fans. He thinks that if he never accepted the way he felt for Chansik he would’ve already known what love was, maybe not the staggering kind he has now but the soft kind, the kind of love you dream about when you’re a child. He knows they love the way they interact. (He tries not to let it bother him, the fact that he's sharing some part of themselves with them, or the crippling anxiety he feels when Chansik does the same with another member because maybe he doesn’t really love him.)

 

He tries to swallow his nerves whenever he catches Jinyoung’s knowing stare when Chansik slides a hand up his thigh because he isn’t supposed to know but Jinyoung does know and he knows that he knows but the overwhelming panic he feels overrides any sense of thought. He can't help but worry about the fact that if the public ever caught wind of the real nature of their relationship everything would crumble so fast and everything they've worked so hard far, that he’s worked so hard for would be over. That's why they spend their nights like this because they can almost pretend like this is their life, that right outside his apartment door isn’t a city full of prejudice and hate and people who would not only ruin his career but Chansik’s and his friends’ as well.

 

Junghwan doesn’t flinch this time when Chansik’s nail lightly traces over his skin but he gives Chansik a glare, who raises a eyebrows in challenge. Any other night Junghwan would push him over and wrestle him against the sheets but he’s so drained and his body hurts too much. So he just pulls Chansik up by the shoulders and kisses him.

 

Any other night he’d hesitate. He’d worry about kissing him, or touching him or tracing the freckles on his skin because of fear or guilt or a mix of both but tonight he’s so tired, tired of hiding, tired of working himself to the point of pain to only be deemed mediocre at best. He’s been at this game for six years and along they way he realized that not everything works out, he’s seen groups disband and friendships torn apart. He’s seen scandals ruin relationships and companies treat their employees like some type of joke. He doesn’t want any of that so he hesitates and calculates and worries almost as much as Jinyoung to makes sure this beautiful idea the five of them created together lasts as long as it can.

 

But tonight he doesn’t. He pushes Chansik onto his back, ignoring his look of surprise when he kisses him harder than he usually does. Chansik tastes like kimchi and toothpaste and home (something he’d thought he had given up when he signed his life away.) He kisses over every piece of skin he can find in the dark. He traces his lips across the plane of his chest and up his neck trying to let Chansik know how he feels. Kiss after kiss after kiss, I love you after I love you after I love you. He tries to leave his confession in the marks on his chest but when he looks up all he seems swimming in Chansik's eyes are concern and anguish. The pit in his stomach is tightening and it hurts so much he just wants him to know, he needs him to know. He doesn’t even know he’s crying until Chansik wipes the tears from his eyes. He tries to stop the tears from flowing but they don’t stop. Chansik doesn’t seem to mind though, he kisses each one that falls.

 

He’s so tired of holding everything in and maybe only now does he understand what Jinyoung meant. All this— the group, the fans, the music, the dream it won’t last forever but Chansik and the love he has for him and the overwhelming sense of safety he feels when he’s with him has the potential to last longer than any of this combined. It hits him hard, like a freight train or maybe a bunch of freight trains or maybe just like the cold slap of reality how in love he is with this boy right here, right now and the fact that he would give up everything for him scares him to death.

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” It’s both a declaration and a promise. Chansik has no power over the validity of it, they both know that, but tonight it’s enough. Tonight Junghwan let’s Chansik lie to him.