I wanted to be patient. I wanted to be kind. I wanted to be all those things for Jung Tae oppa, but no matter how hard I tried, I just could not understand him.

Every since the first session with Dr. Kang, the nightmares have gotten worse--more prevalent. I feel foolish. I got so caught up in my own memories that I didn't even get around to telling him why I had decided to visit in the first place. I don't want to ponder too long about it; there's no use in crying over split milk.

"Welcome back Seol-Ga," Dr. Kang says, a little too excited than I was expecting. He's dressed in a expensive navy suit, with cuffs of his initials, "SK," keeping his sleeves neat and tidy. Was dressed for our appointment or a wedding-date? I couldn't tell. Dr. Kang motioned me to follow him towards the large window. I sat in the same black leather seat. It was already turned towards the window. One session and he already caught on to my habit of facing the light, kudos to him. 

The doctor began by reminding me that everything I said would be confidential and that there was no pressure to talk this time if I still wasn't ready. "We'll move at a comfortable pace for you," he smiled, reassuring me that he wanted me to feel as comfortable as possible. For the first time since I've seen him, I realized how young he looked. Early thirties at the most, I thought. His face was free of smile-wrinkles, suprising for a man who seems to smile so much, and his hair style was still in that stage of a young college student ready to go mingle at the bars.

"How old are you?" My mouth blurted before my mind could stop it. How awkward. "I don't mean it in a way of disrespect or anything, it's just... we'll I didn't realize it before but you still play KPOP and KHip Hop in your waiting area, so I wanted to know if it's some kind of psychological ploy to calm your patients or..."

He chuckled. "No, it's not that. I may be a psychiatrist, but not everything I do is a scheme." 

He could probably write down distrustful in his notes right about now. 

"But if it does make you more comfortable, we can start out by getting to know each other. I think that's fair." Dr. Kang looked unphased--it wasn't his first time discussing his age with a patient. He had been asked this question by patients, parents, collegues, and he had perfect his explaination.

"I'm 29. When I was 14, my family moved London. Surprisingly, I was ahead in my studies there and graduated high school when I was just 16. I got my bachelors and doctorates from Oxford and Cambridge respectively. I've been about two years now. But before you think you're at a disadvantage with such a young psychiatrist, I'll have you know I worked under the most brillant minds during my candidacy and published two studies and my own novel."

"Ah, you must have been so lonely with such a structured life." I commented, oblivious to the details he had just iterated through.

He let out a big laugh. "It's the first time someone put in those terms. Usually they're amazed by my credentials or ask me for me details of London, but yeah, I guess I was kind of lonely at times. I relied a lot on my friends though, they helped me stay on track."

"Friends? What about your family?" 

"Detail oriented, aren't ya? Don't worry that's a compliment."

I smiled. He was right. I am detailed oriented. After missing all the little clues from Jung Tae, I made it a habit to regard every detail of a persona as a piece of a puzzle; and what use is a single piece? To get to know someone, you need the whole puzzle, and then only then can you begin to put it together and figure out what peices are missing.

I was compelled to ask him about his family. No where in his large office or waiting room hung a family portrait. There wasn't even a picture of a girlfriend in sight, just a bunch of meaningless knock off portraits and books. Sure, he could be trying to separate his work and personal life, but as a person who is evident of making others feel more comfortable, why wouldn't he have pictures on the wall? Why wouldn't he want to come off as relatable? I waited a long time for his reply.

"Well... my mom was proud of her son graduating so early from high school. But when I informed her that I was going to major in psychology, she wasn't so happy."

"Because you weren't going to become a real doctor?"

Again with his deep, half-hearted chuckle, "No, nothing like that. She would have been happy if I became anything but psychology. You see, my mom, she's a shaman, she practiced spirtual well being and held that to a higher esteem than mindfulness or mental well-being. She thought I was majoring in psychology just to spite her. But I wasn't--it was just something that made sense to me."

Dr. Kang paused before redirecting his question, as expected by psychiatrists, "What about you Seol-Ga? What about your family?"

"I told you already. All I had was Jung Tae."

"Had?" He emphasized. "What happened to him?"

"He wasn't who I thought he was."

"What do you mean?"

---

15 years old

I don't know how I could have missed all the clues, all the signs that indicated that Jung Tae was so unhappy. He was always so goofy and cheerful in taking care of me. 

"Yah, don't worry. It's just algebra. I can show you how to do it later." Jung Tae commented as he dragged me out of the library. "Let's go, I want to show you something cool." 

"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING HALF THE TIME IN CLASS!" I shouted. 'How can you teach me anything?! I've been doing all your homework since the seventh grade!" 

Jung Tae covered my mouth with his hand as if he was putting a muzzle on a puppy. "Soda, do you want every one in this place to know how smart you are or something? Why are you always so loud?" We continued out the door to the side of the building where all the bicycles were parked. "Tada!" he said excitedly as his hands pointed to a shiny, blue motorcycle.

"What?" I questioned, fearing what Jung Tae had to say.

"Can't you tell, Soda? You do all that studying for nothing, you've got no common sense. It's a motorcycle!?"

"Obviously!" I retorted. "What I mean is, what about the motorcycle?"

"Again, common sense. It's MINE!" His grin was ear to ear, his giant eyes gleaming with joy. "Now we never have to walk anywhere again. This thing can even fit through that small alleyway going up to Hap's Convience store. Isn't that neat? ALSO, Sung Do Rim always gets dropped off by her boyfriend in a motocycle. Now you can too!"

I was fuming. I could feel all the blood in my body rushing to my lips, ready to explode in a verbal vomit. I coudn't stop myself. "YOU IDIOT! WHERE DID YOU GET THE MONEY, HUH? DID YOU STEAL IT? WHY DO YOU NEED A MOTOCYCLE ANYWAY? DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE IT? YOU CAN'T EVEN CALCUALTE THE HYPOTENUSE OF A TRIANLGE, BUT YOU THINK YOU CAN DRIVE A DEFENSELESS MACHINE?!? AND YOU'RE ALWAYS SPENDING MONEY YOU DON'T HAVE! FOR WHAT? BECAUSE YOU THINK IT'S COOL? AISHHHH. "

Okay, maybe I said too much. I'm sure Jung Tae had my best interest at heart in this scenario. Sung Do Rim was one of the most popular girls in my grade. The boys swooned over her every step and chatter about her getting dropped off by her college boyfriend on the first day of school was still the topic of conversation. She had a pretty face and long legs, all the makings of basic bullying brat. Although her angelic face fooled most boys and allowed her stomp over girls, her attitude was nothing compared to her older brother Sung Jae Woo. Sung Jae Woo was Do Rim's older, even more popular brother. A walking sleezebag, if you ask me. His tactics were different than in sisters in his polite mannerisms, BUT! there were constant stories of his crude and demeaning behavior towards women no less. Both of the Sung siblings were not assets in my group of "friends."

" FINE! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO RIDE IT, HAVE IT YOUR WAY! YOU CAN WALK HOME. AND I CAN DRIVE IT JUST FINE, THANK YOU. I'VE BEEN PRACTICING ALL DAY." Jung Tae spat as he hopped ont he two-wheeled-killing-machine and zoomed away.

"FINE!" I shouted, hoping it was loud enough for him to hear.

I made my way back inside the empty library and spread out my books once again. "A simple life, a simple life." I whispered to myself. "All I want is a simple life. No motorcycles, no worrying about money, no annoying Jung Tae, and definitely no Sung Siblings there to mess it up." 

The library was my safe haven. No one ever came to this library partially because it was small and crowded... and sometimes it smelled... bad. The desks were all stacked in a square facing one another in the center and the shelved of books aligned the inner wall of the library, covering the small single window to the leftisde. It was as if someone had a spare room in their house and decided to make some extra cash by selling it as a private library. There was only enough room for about thirty students to study efficiently, but it never exceeded more than me, Jung Tae, and a few other students at a time, even on it's busiest days.

Mr. Jung, the guy who worked the front desk always let me in for free because I would stay late and clean up the mess of the few visitors and his tolder in the back. That's how I made most of my living. I hardly ever had enough money to spend on luxuries but found myself profficient in bargaining my labor for free necessities.

Tonight was no different. Mr. Jung began closing up the reception around 11:00 PM and I began sweeping and reorganizing the magazines and books. I was so busy rounding my things together in between the shelves, I didn't hear Mr. Jung asking if I had already left before he turned off the lights and lock the front door.

That was the first time I realized I was different, before then I had no idea I was so vulnerable.

Dark. That's the only way to decribe it. It's like when you close your eyes in dark room to fall asleep... But it's different because I wasn't asleep... I was awake, wide awake and I couldn't see.

I had felt this way one time before, as if I was drowning in darkness--blind. But Jung Tae was always there to assure me that he couldn't see well either. "Just trust me," he always said so confidently. "What's there to be afraid of, Soda? I'm in the same boat, and I'm not scared at all." How stupid I was to believe him.

"Mr. Jung?! Mr. Jung! I'm still in here please turn on the lights!" I sobbed. "Mr. Jung, I can't see anything. Hello?! Is anybody there?" I felt my way around to the end of the aisle before collapsing in fear. "HELLO! IS ANYONE OUT THERE?!" 

It wasn't until I was silent that I could hear someone calling back. 

"Seol-Ga! Seol-Ga! Where are you?"

Jung Tae! It was Jung Tae's voice calling me from the abyss. 

"Seol-Ga! Listen to my voice! Follow my voice! Come towards the door! I can't unlock it." 

My body became mine again and mustered up the courage to crawl towards his voice.

"I'm right outside Seol-Ga! Don't be scared! Just keep following my voice."

It felt like a lifetime before I felt a wall in front of me. My hands ran up and down the wall until they finally found the lock and knob. The door slung open and before I was blinded by the light of the street lamps, I was engulfed yet again in darkness. But this darkness was warm. It was familiar. It was comforting. When Jung Tae finally released me from his tight grip, I gasped for breath and wiped away my tears. 

"I'm sorry I'm late," he chymed. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry." He kept repeating as he pulled me in again. 

"How long have you known?" I finally manage to ask when he loosens his grip again.

Jung Tae adverts my eyes. "Known what?" 

"That I can't see in the dark?"

"What are you talking about Soda? No one can see in the dark."

"STOP LYING JUNG TAE! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN! YOU TOLD ME TO FOLLOW YOUR VOICE BECAUSE YOU ALREADY KNEW I COULDNT SEE ANYTHING."

"Stop being so dramatic. I only said that because I know you're such a crybaby and you're scared of the dark. You've always been scared of the dark!"

"I'm not being dramatic! I'm not being a crybaby! I just wish you would stop lying to me all the time! I was so scared in there because there were no lights! I couldn't see a thing." 

At this point, I was sobbing uncontrollably. There were a mix of fear from what I had just realized about my own eyes and greater emotion of anger at Jung Tae for still pretending to be oblivious. Just how long has he known that my eyes didn't work in the slightest absence of light?

"Yah, stop crying. You cry sooooo much. No wonder your eyes don't work. You're using them for the wrong thing!" 

"SEE! YOU DID KNOW! HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN I CAN'T SEE?"

"HEY EVERYBODY! THIS GIRL HERE CAN'T SEE ANYTHING, COME ROB HER AT NIGHT! COME STEAL HER SHOES. BETTER YET JUST TAKE HER WITH YOU AND LOCK HER IN A ROOM WITH NO WINDOWS, SHE'LL JUST CRY."

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW? DO YOU WANT ME TO GET TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF YOU BIG JERK!"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you wanted everyone to know SINCE YOU WERE SHOUTING AND ALL."

As much as I hate to admit it, Jung Tae was right. I had been shouting throughout this conversation. I just get so worked up when I catch Jung Tae lying... or buying things... or breathing. 

"Let's go home." He suggested. "We can talk about it later."

I did as I was told. When we got home, he followed me up to my rooftop penthouse. Per usual, we never went to Jung Tae's house. He said since it's only him and his father who live there, the place is in even worse condition than mine.

"When did you find out?" I asked him again.

His large, smiling eyes suddenly turned serous. I could tell he was nervous about answering my question by the way he was clnching down jaw.

"At first, I thought you were just scared of the dark. That's normal for kids. Hell, I didn't know any better, I was only seven. I was still scared of the dark myself. But when I patched up that hole in the wall, you threw a fit. You said you couldn't see a single thing you ran into the wall, then into me. I mean, I couldn't see so well either, but I could at least see what was in front of me. But not you. You walked around as if you couldn't see the walls at all. It didn't get any better as you got older--worse, I think. I was scared to leave you alone at night, afraid that the lamp would somehow lose power and you'd wake up in the dark again."

"Is that why you told me to always keep the lamp on? Not so you know I'm home?"

Jung Tae answered in a nod. "I didn't want you to be scared. I promised I'd never let you be in the dark by yourself, so I want to tell you about your handicap."

"HANDICAP?!? Is that what you think I am?" I responded.

"YAH! Didn't you hear the sweet part? I SAID I WOULD NEVER LET YOU BE ALONE!" 

"Oh, yeah? What about all those times you disappeared?"

"Well, that's why I told you to keep the lamp on. Duh, Handicap Soda."

---

There was a knock on the door. A frail-looking middle aged woman open the door and bowed. 

"I'm sorry Dr. Kang, but your next patient has been waiting for the past fifteen minutes. Should I tell him you're unavaible?"

"Ah, has it been that long already?" Asked Dr. Kang. "Wow, the time has really got the best of me. Ms. Seol-Ga-sshi, I had to cut you off, but can we pick up from here next time? I didn't realize we had ran so late."

"Oh, no. That's my fault. I'm sorry. When I start talking I don't tend to stop. Me, me, me. I could go on forever!"

Dr. Kang starred at me blankly before clearing his throat. "Alrighty then. I'll see you out."

What did I just say?

When Dr. Kang said he would walk me out, he really meant ten steps to his office door. Before closing the door, he smiled that infamous smile and thanked me yet again. "I look forward to our next appointment."