It’s been two months since he left me. I waited all night on those two specific days.

Nothing.

I had to fight to keep my eyes open, hoping he’d show up. I’d hold onto this necklace tightly hoping he’ll show up and kiss my hands away, hearing him say, “Nayeon-ah, don’t hurt yourself. I am here.”

Still. Nothing.

I had to face it. He was gone. Hoya, or Howon I should say, is gone where he should be. Happy in heaven. Guilt nearly ate me alive. I was the one keeping him away from his fate. I was the one keeping him on hold.

But I was the one he loved... And I loved him back.

Taegi and Minrin still keep in contact with me but like everyone else, I pushed them away. I wanted to see Hoya, to talk to him, kiss him, hug him, cuddle with him. Anything! I just wanted him. I was so deprived of him it had taken a toll on my life. Whether he was Hoya or Howon, I still loved either person.

“Nayeon-ah,” my mom softly spoke entering my room, “Honey, look at you. You’re as pale as snow and as skinny as a stick!” she sat on my bed and my hair, “You need to go out. Do something; have fun.”

I shook my head and turned the other way, “Mom, I only wanna--”

“Honey,” my mom spoke softly, “Hoy–I-I mean Howon,” she hesitated, “Howon’s gone, honey. He’s gone, he’s–”

“Stop,” I spoke softly, trying to stop the tears from coming. I was in denial; I knew that. But I didn’t want to remember him as a ghost that wanted to fulfill his wish before starting anew. I wanted to remember him as my Hoya oppa. The person who would make every month worth waiting for. The person who made my birthdays the best! I wanted to remember him as my first love.

“Mom,” I got up and looked at her with my tearful eyes, “I don’t wanna believe any of this,” I cried in her arms, “I don’t want to believe that Hoya was just all in my head,” I admitted and cried harder.

I cried and cried. Two months worth of tears finally out of my system. I sniffled and wiped away my tears with my hands and wrists, “Sorry,” I hiccuped.

She wiped away my last tear and shook her head, “You okay? Are you hungry? Do you want me to make you something to eat?”

“No, I’m fine. Just exhausted maybe some sleep will do the trick.” I said laying back down on my bed, hoping she’ll just leave me alone. I was lying and she knew that. I mean c’mon, what mother doesn’t know when their daughter was lying? Certainly not mine. But maybe she was tired of arguing with me to get the truth out of me.

She sighed and got off my bed, “Okay, well if you need anything I’ll be downstairs.”

I nodded while pretending to fall asleep on my bed. I waited until she was downstairs then I sat up on my bed and stared at nothing.

I am nothing.

Not anything; no single thing.

I was just a lump of mass taking up space. Every fiber in my being was worthless and useless without Hoya–and I hated it. It wasn’t until now that I realized how reliant I was of him. But I couldn’t do anything about it, because for a second I thought that everything was a dream. That at this exact moment I was asleep in this beautiful yet tragic fairy tale, but wake up as a 5th grader; able to see Howon again, alive and well.

I threw my back on my bed and peeking under my arm was Hoyeon Gom. A bittersweet smile appeared on my lips. I loved it so much; it was the first thing he ever bought me and everything about it made me happy with the memories we’ve had together. But at the same time it was also the thing that killed me.

“What are we gonna do with you?” I asked it as I pet its soft fur.I couldn’t throw it away, it was just impossible. It means so much to me. I couldn’t possibly do so.

I groaned and gently put it aside, I let my eyes roam around my room and it stopped at my bag. I sat up and got out of my bed. I grabbed my bag and stuck my hand in there, hoping a miracle occurred and it was still in there.

I felt a small crumpled up laminated piece of paper and smiled. I dialed the number quickly.

‘Hello?’

“Minrin. It’s me, Nayeon..”

‘Nayeon?’

“I have a favor to ask.”

I ran down the stairs with my bag and Hoyeon Gom in my arms.

“Nayeon, where are you--”

“Sorry, mom. I-I gotta go do something, I’ll be back!” I yelled quickly putting on my boots.

“Honey, wh--”

“I’ll be home shortly! Bye!” I yelled as I dashed out the door. I ran down the street hoping to find a taxi. “C'mon, c’mon, C’mon!” I muttered jumping impatiently. I waved my hands, “Taxi!” I shouted and thankfully one stopped right in front of me.

“Where to?” the driver asked.

“Heavenly... Angels...Cemetery.” I said breathlessly.

I watched in the rear view window as his face crinkled, “Heavenly Angels Cemetery?”

I nodded, still trying to catch my breath. Two months of no movements whatsoever and this is what you get.

He shrugged, “I guess.” he hit the meter and drove off.

“We’re here!”

I looked out the window while still holding onto Hoyeon Gom. I felt my heart squeeze. Am I really here?

“36,780 ₩,” he said.

I gave him 40,000 ₩, “Keep the change.” I said not breaking away from my view. I got out the car mindlessly and closed it.

“Do you need me to pick you up later?” he asks from the rolled-down window.

I shook my head, “No, it's fine,” I was still so mesmerized by this place.

“You sure?” he asked again.

I just nodded and made my way to the entrance. I braced Hoyeon Gom with me and slowly entered the cemetery. I stepped in and saw rows and rows of tombstones. Then my conversation with Minrin popped up in my head again.

“I have a favor to ask.”

“What is it? Do you need me to--”

“Where is Howon’s gravesite at?” I asked cutting to the chase.

At first, she hesitated, “Nayeon-ah, what are you up to?”

“Minrin-sshi, please,” I begged, “Please let me properly say goodbye to him.” I heard silence. I lowered my head, “It's fine, I sorta expected this.” I let out a soft laugh, “What was I thinking?”

“He’s at Heavenly Angels Cemetery. He’s at the 7th aisle down. It shouldn’t be hard to miss his.” she confirmed.

I sighed with content, “Thank you! Thank you so much!!” I thanked her.

“No problem, just don’t do anything unreasonable you hear me?”

I nodded as if she were here, “I won’t. Thank you, thank you, thank you!” I repeated.

I held onto Hoyeon Gom, “7th aisle down.” I walked down counting the aisles as I go.

“...3”

I felt my heart beat faster

“5...”

My palms are starting to sweat.

“...6...”

My knees jerk as I walk to the next row.

“7...” I mumbled in a small voice. My eyes flickers, tears already making it’s way up to my eyes.

March 28, 1991 - November 14, 2004

I fell onto my knees and gripped onto Hoyeon Gom’s ears. I couldn’t believe what was in front of me. I clenched my teeth as I rocked myself back and forth. “This isn’t real.” I shook my head looking down at my red knees. I looked back at his grave and held out my arm to touch it.

My lips trembled.

Cold, hard stone.

I traced his picture with my fingers and cried. I dropped Hoyeon Gom and clutched onto his tombstone. I looked at his picture, “Howon,” I choked out. I cried and lowered my head. “Why couldn’t you just–tell me?” I lifted up my head again and gazed at his picture, “Why didn’t you tell me? Why did you have to go without a clear warning? Why?” I bit my lips, “Why did I have to fall in love with you?”

I fell on my knees once again and looked at the sky, “You don’t even know how empty I am without you.” I sighed and picked up Hoyeon Gom, “Everything reminds me of you.” My lips trembled as my eyes made way to his picture, “Are you really gone?” I choked out making it sound like a whisper. I blinked my tears away, knowing that he really was.

Two months, of course he’s gone. I sighed deeply, “In that case, I guess that means I should move on too.” I gently placed Hoyeon Gom on his tombstone as I took off my necklace from him. I let it hang from one of the corners and watched as it dangled idly. I got up and walked away and out of the cemetery.

I wanted to run in there so badly and get those things back.

But I shouldn’t. I shall contain myself.

“I need to move on,” I told myself as I left the abandon things there. I fixed my bag and lifelessly roamed wherever my feet took me.

Before I knew it I was at the park where Hoya took me to celebrate my Sweet 16. A small smile formed on my lips. I walked to the table and sat down. I looked at it and looked at the carvings on it.

12.14.09
Happy Birthday Moon Nayeon!
Always be happy and always smile~

I sighed and put my head on my arms that were wrapped around me. “Hoya. I miss you so much.” I muttered.

“Are you okay?”

My eyes widen and I threw my head up. There stood a tall guy, around my age, with brown hair styled in a fohawk. He had chubby cheeks and was...handsome.

“Are you okay?” he repeated and sat next to me, “You look... Sad, do you want to talk about it?”

I stared blankly at him. Who was this guy?

“Don’t worry, I’m not a ert or anything. I won’t do anything bad to you.” I remained silent, “Really!” he exclaimed with a high pitch voice.

I couldn’t help but laugh. I giggled and he broke out laughing with me.

“I’m Lee Sungyeol, how about you?”

I looked up at him, but instead of a blank expressionless face. I gave him a genuine smile, “Moon Nayeon.”

He smiled, “So Nayeon, why are you so down?” he put his elbows on the table and rested his head on his hands, “I’ve got time.”

I smiled, something about him makes me feel comfortable. I don’t know why, but I have a feeling he’s going to be important in my life.

ONE MORE CHAPTER TO GO!!!! And it’s YEOL :DDD I love him so yea, just had to make him the guy <":