I hate feeling like this. Like my whole world is caving in on me and there’s nothing I can do about it. Looking out my apartment window at the tiny white crystals falling from the night sky should bring me peace, but it doesn’t. I should be sleeping at this hour, but my demons lie in wait for me in my dreams. I realize the more I hide away from reality the more I’m slowly losing myself. I’m afraid of what lies behind my eyes once I fall asleep. I don’t know if my dreams will be filled with the constant reminder of how I’ll be judged by others that barely know me.

Or, will I be reminded that no matter how hard I try to defend myself I’ll never be considered normal by the ones I hold dear to my heart. I know they’ll still love me but that still doesn’t ease the fear of whispering voices I’d catch myself overhearing. It’s the not knowing what they’re saying that terrifies me the most. Are they talking about me? Are they speculating about us? Do they know? Do they care to know how much I need you to get me through a day?

You, the one that’s sleeping soundly in my bed. To me you’re my treasure hidden in plain sight. I turn my attention away from the window to study you. You’re an unexpected angel that came into my life. I’ve told you things I thought I would never tell a single soul. I’ve shown you my damaged heart even when I vowed I wouldn’t. I’ve committed myself to you even when I had given up all hope. I can honestly say nothing in this world comforts me the way that you do. Your soft voice cast a sweet enchantment that quiets my most inner storms. Your feather light touches ignite a fire in me that I thought had died long ago. Your grace and beautiful are qualities I expire to possess. Oh, and your smile takes away all the pain I feel. Waking up to you never feels real too me. You’re my sweetest dream come true. I just wish I could do half as must as you’ve done for me. You’ve given me all the love I could ever need and the most precious nights of my life. For that, I’ll forever be indebted to you.

I know my fear is limiting me from truly loving you like I want too, but that doesn’t stop you from always reassuring me that you’d never leave me and that we’re in this for life. If I could, I’d pack both our bags so that we could find somewhere more accepting of the love we share for each other. In this country of ours we must be careful about how we interact with one other. There’s been so many times where I’ve wanted to shout at the top of my lungs that you’re mine and mine alone, but fear always grips my tongue and renderers it useless. I’m growing weary of this battle I fight with myself and the constant lying I must do. Always having to declare that, I‘m not seeing anyone, even when you’re in the same room as me.

If I could I would take all the burden and all our insecurities and place them on my shoulders I would. I’d suffer in silence if it means I can spare you from all the hate in this world. I turn my attention back to the outside world and the few people hurrying to find any type of shelter. Those little white crystals are now falling faster than before. By morning time the whole city will be blanketed by them. I’m so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t notice you quietly siting up from your place in our bed.

“Jihyo?” Your voice is so delicate yet it shakes me to the core. I was almost afraid to turn and face you. I didn’t want you to worry about the things that’s been running through my mind. “Jihyo? What are you doing out of bed?” I knew I couldn’t ignore you forever so I took a moment to collect myself before facing you. Even with the low luminesce of the streetlights shining through the window I could still the concern in those beautiful brown eyes of yours. As I make my way back towards you I contemplated of a good enough reason to give you as to why I’m still up. But that all goes astray once I reach the edge of the bed and I feel you instantly caress my face with the warmest of touches.

“Min…” I try to steady my voice but I could never hide how I really feel when it comes to you. One look into my eyes and you already knew what was keeping me from a good night’s sleep. You give me a gentle kiss on the lips before I’m enveloped tightly in your arms. I lie my head down on your shoulder as my arms soon found their way around your small waist. “You’ve been worrying about us again, haven’t you?” There was no point in denying it so I gave a quick nod of my head. I feel my heart shatter when I hear you release a defected sigh.

“Please don’t let what my mom said bother you. She’s always been that way.” It’s true your mom wasn’t one of my favorite people in the world. The way she constantly pushes you to get married and start a family, irritates me to no end. She even had the audacity to set you on a blind date. I know you would have refused to go but I had to open my big mouth and insist that you at least meet for coffee. Sometimes I can say some stupid things and when we returned to my apartment, you steadily reminded me of that.

“I’m sorry.” I quietly say. Your arms around me loosen as you position me so that I’m looking directly into your eyes. “What are you sorry for sweetheart?” I felt my eyes begin to sting with a sensation I know all too well. I try my best to hold back the tears that threaten to escape my eyes. “I’m sorry I wasn’t born a male. Maybe if I was, then we wouldn’t have to go through this hell and you wouldn’t have to have fights with your mother and…” I couldn’t continue because my tears began to fall.

I hate being so weak and vulnerable like this but what am I to do? I have no defense when it comes to you. I leave myself bare, whether I want to or not. But despite the feeling of leaving myself wide open I know you will shelter me with your love. Just like now, you pull me back into your embrace and began to gently the nape of my neck. There were no words exchanged and you let me cling to you and cry away my sadness on your shoulder. No matter how long it took you never voiced any complainants. It’s in those moments that I fall deeper in love with you.

I’m not sure how long it took me to stop crying but feeling your light touches on my skin made it comforting. Being in your presence beings me peace like no other. “Do you feel better now my dearest?” I pull myself deeper into her embrace. I hear you lightly chuckle. “You’re such a silly girl, do you know that?” I lessen my hold onto you and make eye contact with you once again. You begin to wipe away any forms of sorrow from my eyes.

“How could I fall in love with anyone other than you? Truth be told if you were born a male then I wouldn’t be here in your arms now. You’re perfectly fine the way you are so, don’t ever think otherwise.” I feel your lips grace my lips once more. “Even if you were born a boy there’s no guarantee that we wouldn’t go through problems. And yes, I know we face more challenges than most people, but the more we overcome the stronger we both become. I’d rather walk, crawl through hell if I must, than to walk hand in hand with someone else. It’s love that binds and keeps us together. I’m not going to let something as small as what others think how we should live our lives destroy that.”

I look at you in complete amazement. I’m so blessed to have fallen in love with a strong willed and intelligent woman like yourself. “What about your blind date? Won’t your mother be upset of you don’t go to it?” You were quick to give me an annoyed expression plus an immediate flick on the forehead. “Did you not hear what I just said?” You laugh. “I love my mom to death but she’s not the person I intend to spend the rest of my life with. That belongs only to you.” I feel my face instantly blush and heat up. “This is my life and I’m going to live it the way I want too. You don’t know how thankful I am that you’re a part of it now. I love you honestly. You believe me, right?” I awkwardly nod my head. “Of…of course I do. I love you too.”

You give me that same smile which first captured my heart. “Good, now come back to bed. It’s cold here without you near me.” I take my time to look you up and down. “You’re probably cold because you have no clothes on; not that I’m complaining about that.” I laugh at myself. “And whose fault is that Miss Park Jisoo?” You say in your best threating voice but it all comes out as cute to me. “Well how am I supposed to resists those lovely brown eyes and perfect lips of yours. By the way I didn’t hear any complaints from you.” I love being able to make you laugh and blush.

“Well since you made me cold in the first place I think it’s only fair that you do everything in your power to warm me back up again.” I didn’t miss the teasing tone in your voice and it sent chills down my spine. “I like that idea.” I grin. You pull me in for a long loving kiss and I swear this is what heaven must feel like. I shudder when I feel your hands undo the tie of my robe. As if I were the most precious stone, you carefully slid the garment off my shoulders and on to the floor.

“Have I told you lately how much I love your body?” I lost my breathe as your hands wonder to my sides. “You have, but I’d rather you show me how much you love it.” I release an unsteady breath. “I think I can arrange that but only if you promise that the next time you’re having a hard time I’ll be the first one you come too. I know you well and I know that you keep things to yourself in order not to cause trouble to others. But you must realize that I’m not just anyone, you know? I’m more than that and you mean the world to me. So, don’t shut me out just because you want to play the hero. I’m not a defenseless girl. When we’re ready to let people know about us, then we’ll do it together. If they’re accepting of our relationship, then I’m happy. And if they’re not, well that’s on them.”

 And just like that she’s able to quell my worries I’ve been holding in for so long. I’ve failed to see how you quietly observe me and how you hurt when I let trivial things get the better of me. I don’t ever want to wake to a morning where I can’t wake up to your beautiful face or hear you sweet voice or kiss your tempting lips. “Mi…Mina?”  I anxiously call out to you. “Yes.” You watch me with wondering eyes. “I know I’ll sound needy for asking this, but I don’t mind that. Will … will you touch me like the first time? I just, well my entire being needs to feel you against me. I need you…” I didn’t get the chance to finish before you placed your lips on mine. I heaved a long sigh of contentment as our bodies reconnect. It’s a sin at how well our bodies blend together to the point where there’s no distinction of where she starts and where I end. “Mina?” I break the kiss. “Yes?” You giggle. “I love you.” “I love you too… but I’m still cold.”

How did you enjoy the story =D Please let me know =] and I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year