A/N: Combined all the three chapters because each of them was too short. Ta-da. A one-shot. Also, this is just made up stop ing with me im just a wee bit emotional

"I'm scared."

"What?"

"Scared," Hoseok mumbles, eyes stuck on the practice room's ceiling, "me."

The other members have gone a few hours ago. Hoseok had decided to practice a bit more for a few more hours.

And for whatever reason, Yoongi sticks by, too.

"Yeah, you said that." Yoongi answers.Hoseok's never been like this before. Take it for a random cockroach or whatever ed up creature he could think of, but this was the kind that Yoongi has never seen before. "Of what?" He adds.

Hoseok falters, doesn't answer immediately. "Dying?"

He answers all too calmly. Yoongi doesn't budge, quite taken aback by the answer, but he agrees, still.

"You afraid you'll die early, Seok-ah?" Yoongi questions, half-jokingly.

He doesn't want to get in on with the topic, but this is Hoseok. He knows Hoseok isn't always of sunshines and flowers.

The sun's gotta set and the flowers' gotta wilt somehow. 

"Yeah," Hoseok sits up, stretches a bit and stands, "yeah, hyung." He's smiling, though, and Yoongi is all the more confused. "I want to die old."

Yoongi rests his head on his knees, eyes studying the other's features. Nothing wrong, he concludes. But Hoseok's eyes are dull, of pure desolation.

"I want to die when I'm 80, when I'm old and sad, and no one would be sad to see me go," Hoseok adds.

Yoongi frowns at this. "Hey, what happened, Hoseok?"

"And none of them would cry then, if I'd die old," Hoseok doesn't answer, but goes on, "But then if I would die early, only a few would cry, I take it."

Yoongi doesn't really know what to say, but realizes the core of the other male's sudden idea of death and dying old.

"Hey, stop thinking like that," he comforts, "you know that's bull."

Hoseok smiles. "It's not bull when you've experienced it firsthand, hyung."
 

Hoseok checks the clock, and although it's still past eleven, he decides it was time to go. "Let's get going, hyung. Thanks for waiting for me."

A hopeful attempt to change the topic, Yoongi guesses. But Yoongi's never really one to pry. Even if Hoseok is involved. And so he lets it go, but would openly talk about it if Hoseok were to mention it again.

The walk to their dorm is silent. Yoongi understands, though. He thinks Hoseok's probably just too pent up, too tired of the unequal love they receive, and of the entirety of being an idol itself. Hoseok's never been one to let it out, and so Yoongi understands how Hoseok must have had great difficulty to garnered out the courage to talk to Yoongi at the dance studio.

The dorm isn't too silent though. Jin, Jimin and Taehyung are still up, living their lives on the couch, eating junk food and chugging down canned beer and softdrinks. Yoongi reckons the others are still wide awake too, but are on their own shared rooms. A very good choice, Yoongi thinks.

"You guys are early," Jin waves to the newly-arrived members, "what's up?"

"Hoseok was just tired," Yoongi answers, not giving any space for the other to in, "is all."

"You okay, hyung?" Jimin pipes up, neck craning towards the dancer.

Hoseok smiles, cheerfully, playfully. Jimin's always the caring one. He's glad. "Of course," he answers, "I just got the choreography done a little too early."

"I'm pretty sure the one who's tired is you, hyung," Taehyung snickers from the couch, and if it wouldn't have been for Yoongi's laziness, Taehyung would have had a pretty good smack on the forehead.

'Yeah, yeah, off," Yoongi mumbles, and eventually makes his way to his room. "Seok-ah, you rest, too."

Hoseok nods. "Thanks, hyung."

"Hobi-hyung, you sure you're okay?" Jimin has made his way to Hoseok, and is standing right in front of the other dancer. "You look kinda off."

"I'm really okay, Jiminie," he ruffles Jimin's hair, "don't drink too much, I'm gonna hit the sack early, too."

"Yeah, hyung," Jimin answers, "talk to me if you need to." He makes his way to the couch. Something's off, but Jimin doesn't push it. The alcohol is getting to his system, he thinks. 

The boys wake up to yet another stessful morning.

The morning sun blinds Hoseok a bit, makes him squint, and he wants to sleep just a bit more, really. But Jin's voice is already booming within the dorm; and he really can't seem to skip breakfast.

"Where's Jungkook?" Namjoon asks, positioning himself on his seat.

Jimin comes into view as he drags himself to the kitchen. He spares a glance at Hoseok, who was leaning on the kitchen counter, but averts his eyes as soon as the other motices. "He won't budge," he mutters, eyes back on the rapper. Jimin sits on the chair next to namjoon.

Hoseok doesn't think too much of Jimin's glances. He straightens himself up and makes his way to the dining table, sits on his chair, Jimin on his left side.

"Someone get him up," Namjoon orders. The bunch sighs altogether, but no one dares move, the thought of moving another muscle too tiring to even imagine. "Guys," Namjoon insists, yet again, and this time Jin gets up from the table. "

"Why is he like this," Jin mutters as he drags himself towards Jungkook's room. "Jungkook! Wake up!"

Just like any other day, Hoseok thinks. Yoongi nodding off in front of him, Taehyung drinking a cup of milk, Namjoon a little stressed than usual. Will this ever change, Hoseok doesn't know.

The certainty of separately living on their own isn't impossible, but it's too early for the group to cater to the idea. If time comes, though, Hoseok will surely miss this. Waking up to his co-members, going back home with them every after practice; the feeling's nice. And to be completely honest, he doesn't want to lose all of that.

Sure, he will have to accept that one particular fact, but for now, this kind of morning ruckus is fine.

Jin and a still sleepy Jungkook emerges from the small hallway after a few minutes.

"Sorry," Jungkook mutters.

They eat breakfast just like any other day. Hoseok likes this.

They talk about their schedule, Namjoon mostly does the talk, and they listen. And then they talk about things - about Yoongi's awkward slide during their performance on Music Bank, about Jimin's "accidental" shoulder slip, and Jimin's shouts of "I swear it was an accident" fills the room. And then there's Jin's laugh, and it makes Hoseok laugh, too. And for a moment, Yoongi almost thinks that Hoseok is back again.

Hoseok likes this.

What Hoseok doesn't like, though, is that no matter how hard he tries, it's almost always them. He's not being selfish, he reasons with himself. And he's expected this quite a long time ago, ever since before debuting. But now that he's here he feels a little sad, of how things have turned out.

"It's not that I'm not giving those who love me any attention."

Hoseok leans himself on the railing, feeling the warm breeze sweep through his hair.

It's a sunday. He had asked Namjoon to have a talk with him, because Yoongi was out, and Hoseok didn't want to disturb the other rapper. And Namjoon is the leader after all. He doesn't necessarily need to know all of this, but Hoseok thinks so otherwise.

"I'm just sad," Hoseok sighs, "is all."

And Namjoon gets it. He feels the same way, really. Always wanted to talk about it ever since their debut, but never did - he's the leader, he reminds himself, he has to be strong. "It happens on every group," Namjoon answers, because to be really honest, he wants to let it out, too, and he's sad, "but it being the ones, huh?"

Hoseok smiles a sad smile, and he focuses his eyes on the rustling leaves of the trees, focuses himself not to cry. "Yeah," he mutters, "I love them all, still."

Hoseok sniffles.

"There are a lot of them who loves us, Hobi," Namjoon sighs, "more than we think."

"I know, hyung," Hoseok rests his head on his arms, and he covers his eyes.

"You're not being selfish," Namjoon reassures, and this makes Hoseok smile. "During every V live, if I could, I wouldn't want to read the comments. It , really, makes me sad. However, let's take solace in it."

Hoseok doesn't answer, and so Namjoon adds, his eyes on the floor, "But the thing is, it's normal."

"Yeah, it is," Hoseok reluctantly answers. He doesn't want it to be the way it is, but it's the way how things work, and he doesn't like it.

"But you know what?" Namjoon stretches his hands, and looks at the other man. "I'm glad Jin's getting the attention he deserves."

Hoseok genuinely smiles at this. And he sees where Namjoon's going with this. "Me too," he answers, "seriously. He's always been working hard."

"And the others have been working their asses off, too," Namjoon corrects, "and they deserve every love that's been given to them."

"I've always admired Jiminie," Hoseok chuckles, "but it's the way it is, huh?"

"We don't always get what we want, Hobi, it's living and then some. We have to be patient."

They stay silent for a while, take for the dog barking in the distance. "Thanks, really," Hoseok says, smiling at the leader. And Hoseok wants to cry, still, despite the talk.

And as if reading Hoseok's mind, "But it still , huh?" Namjoon chuckles.

"Yeah," Hoseok laughs at this, "it does."

Hoseok remembers it all.

It started as soon as their I Need U promotions came through. Hoseok thought it had always been like this ever since debut, but had only grown evident as their fans increased, thus the immedeate dessimenation of biased interests and attention.

Which was to be expected. The boys had a talk about it before they even debuted, and the uncertainty in Namjoon's eyes had him going anxious, the evening breeze nothing like a mere whisper and Hoseok wondered about Namjoon's somber eyes and clammy hands. He paid little to no attention to it, and nothing more of the stuffy temperature was what Hoseok assumed.

It wasn't until after their promotions when he knew the reason.

And then he noticed it on himself, and then on Jin. Through fan-made popularity polls. Through the fans themselves.

Hoseok didn't bother at first. But that didn't mean he was unaffected, because he was. More than he should. What could he do back then but just let it slide - let the choreography weaken his muscles; let his sweat cover up his tears. Take solace in what little love he received.

What hope he had back then was so little, and he didn't dare think he'd survive, but he did. He had his family, he had fans, he had Bangtan.

Everyone was nice. Never failed to make his heart flutter, make him happy. Always been there, always have been.

Yoongi knew Hoseok had problems, but never really dawned on it. Hoseok wasn't open. And so Yoongi loved Hoseok through his own efforts of making him smile, through messages and hugs and little actions of endearment, without making the other feel vulnerable to his own weakness.

And Hoseok loved Yoongi too, very much so.

Taehyung knew too, and so did Namjoon, Jin, Jungkook, Taenyung and Jimin.  And so they tried how Yoongi did, but Hoseok knew it was not him who needed it most.

Hoseok never really talked to Jin about it. And Jin never mentioned it, never said even one word, and so he followed through.

At some point he thought it didn't really matter, because why would it, really? He had what he wanted, he became an idol, all those of years training paid off, rewards happened eventually, simultaneously.

Bangtan Sonyeondan. A tiring walk to the top. They didn't really gain too much attention from their debut. It was a steady increase, and they stayed humble throughout the process.

Their first win was I Need U. Lipstick-smudged faces took over the stage, the inevitable happiness on quivering voices and teary eyes flashed through television and they were happy. Hoseok was happy. And then came the next win, and another, and another.

Run was next, then came Fire. They gained the most recognition after those promotions. And they would gain more after it. And then there were anti-fans. Ever-present and ever-increasing.

When the decision came for him that he should do the trailer for their next comeback, Hoseok's heart nearly jumped out of his body.

"Don't stress it out too much, okay?" Namjoon smiled, knowing well the excitement of having to be given the opportunity to do the trailer. This was to be expected, since both Yoongi and Namjoon had already done the previous ones.

"Yeah, thanks," Hoseok laughed, "I'll definitely work hard." Hoseok will definitely work hard.

"You'll do great. Trust me." Namjoon assured. "We'll be here for you."

All the others are out, he's alone in the dorm, the boredom too much to bear. And so Hoseok takes his time inside, with all the free glory of the couch, head on one of the arms, one foot dangling off of the furniture.

He knows very well how it feels to get robbed off of happiness.

And he knows how it feels when it dies; how it doesn’t slowly lessen its warmth and heat but instead gives an immediate desertion; how it leaves him in the dark, hoping for some sort of miracle to happen; how he frustratingly lights matches but to no avail, because it’s raining. He’s outside and it’s raining. The matches are wet, the doors are locked. And he’s left shivering, living off of the musky scent of smoke.

Maybe he's gotten selfish, Hoseok thinks.

He's gotten himself rid of his contentment along with their ever-increasing popularity. That's probably why. Maybe he wants more.

Maybe Namjoon was wrong.

"Maybe Namjoon was what?" Hoseok immediately turns his head to the door, and Jin was on the hallway, casually taking of his shoes. Jin chuckles at Hoseok's shocked reaction. "Did you really not hear me when I got in?"

"No," Hoseok answers, mentally slaps himself because he had said those words aloud. "You're early, hyung."

"It's 4 in the afternoon, Hobi. I've been out since 9 in the morning."

"Oh, right," he answers, remembering how Jin has announced he'd be having a reunion with his friends for the day. "Had fun?"

"Yeah," Jin answers, and then raises a brow, looking skeptical, "what was it about Namjoon?" Hoseok sighs inwardly, he doesnt really want to talk to Jin about this, and more or less isn't too proud of his own skill in comforting anyone.

Hoseok lets out a laugh. "Nothing, hyung, just thinking aloud."

"And it just so happened that I heard it," Jin answers, walking towards the couch. He seats himself on the empty space on the couch. "You ok?"

"I'm fine, hyung," he fakes a laugh, doesn't budge. He really doesn't want to talk to Jin about this. Fortunately, Jin stops prying, and instead just shifts himself on his position and rests his head on his hand, eyes set on the window.

The setting sun shines through the window just across their couch, illuminating Jin's flawless features, and Hoseok's breath catches as he sees this. He catches himself staring too much, mutters a silent 'sorry' when he sees the other's eyes on him too.

Jin laughs, rolls his eyes. "Am I too handsome for you?" He jokes.

There it is again. "Jin-hyung..." Hoseok's voice falters as he slowly turns his head to the wooden floor, tracing scratches and bumps.

"Hm?"

Hoseok's tears are welling again, and this time, he doesn't know why. He lets his hair cover most of his eyes, lowering his gaze a bit more, the strands covering most of his vision. "No," he shakes his head, "It's nothing."

Hoseok looks up to Jin. Always have, and always will. Hoseok thinks he's strong. Not that he's taking out the fact that Jin's probably cried himself to sleep, too. Hoseok knows he isn't the only one. After all that waiting and wanting and then finally, it's only come to this - his heart almost always aches.

But he still thinks Namjoon is wrong. He's becoming selfish. What more can he wish for, really. It may have only come to this - to this state of heartaches and tears and dejections but this is more than enough for him.

This is more than enough because the fans love them. The fans have given them so much, amidst the countless hatred from the outside - so what reason should he feel sad about? Hoseok wants to realize that many people love him, think about him, appreciate him, but it's always been locked behind bars.

He remembers when he first met Jin, how he was awestruck at the sight, his hands clammy with pride and envy; then Jin smiled at him, and Hoseok couldn't be more amazed at such beauty. The lasting hours they've spent during their trainee days have been a few of the best days Hoseok's had - it was fun back then. The thrill, the fear of debuting - of the outcome, but the excitement always came through eyes full of determination and Hoseok had never been more thrilled about the passing days. Jin always talked about having to debut with them, and how it would be succesful, and that Hoseok should cast away the worries lurking within him every second because everything will be alright.

Because Hoseok's always been scared of a lot of things.

The silence within the dorm breaks as Jin heaves a sigh, chuckling, "I'm tired, Hobi." Jin's voice is broken, he's playing with the hem of his sweater, eyes on the ceiling trailing on the pale seams.

"Hyung?" Hoseok is unsure. He eyes Jin warily, gulping down any more words that dare to make their way out his mouth because he doesn't want any of this.

"But a desire is a desire nonetheless!" Jin laughs, doesn't pay attention to the other man in the room, "and it grows." He sees confusion in Hoseok's eyes, anxiousness creeping towards each strand of hair. He waits for him to question the statement because he wants Hoseok to do so - for more reasons than one -  but Hoseok doesn't say anything. Jin opens his mouth, but waits a few seconds to finally answer. "We went to a ton of places," he says, finally, pushing his body up the couch, "and I'm so tired right now. Have you eaten? I'm gonna cook for you before I sleep, I'm sure the others have eaten by now."

"Oh- no, hyung, I'll just probably eat out tonight."

"Well, okay," Jin pats Hoseok's head as he makes his way through his room, "don't stay out too late."

Hoseok nods, and he's left alone on the couch again. He'll eat out later, he concludes, from that small restaurant down the block.

His mind wanders back to Jin's sudden outburst, he thinks Jin was giving him a piece of mind - of a not too obvious way - and he somehow understands the thought. And he will have to thank Jin later.

It grows, and it grows and it grows. The desire to win, to be loved, to be happy. Does it ever stop growing though? Because he thinks his own desires never stops growing. It makes its way through his skin and sweat it out whenever.

Is he being selfish? Is being selfish bad? Is having too much desires not a good thing when all he's ever done is work hard to grab it by the ends of its hair? Hoseok heaves a sigh. He's tired. Confused. He's just glad its getting dark and the others aren't home. He takes another deep breath, and then he starts to cry - he muffles it though, he doesn't want Jin to hear.

When everything is just too much, he's got to let go of the facade somehow. The tight schedules; the comebacks, the promotions, the shows. Misunderstandings within the group - of little fights and silent stares.

He's always smiling. He gets that a lot. But that's not always the case. The muscles tighten, wanting to keep smiling as the dam breaks, but everything is always better said than done, and so he lets himself weaken and watch the waters floor the streets. Hoseok doesn't like the view - but he feels light - and it somehow makes him smile.

Hoseok is easily scared. He gets that a lot, too. He's scared of a lot of things, of the little bumps and creaks, of the stage lights and the audience, of the responsibilites, of the consequences.

People will always associate fear to darkness. Well, he finds solace in darkness, calmness in silence. He will have to thank Jin and the setting sun later.

But yes, he's scared of a lot of things, and Hoseok doesn't know what to do.

He stays laying there for a few more minutes, and unconsciously dozes off, eventually falling into deep slumber.

A few minutes later the door opens, and Yoongi enters the dorm. He takes of his shoes, leaning on the wall to his left for support. The dorm is silent but catches sight of Hoseok sleeping on the couch, and Yoongi remains standing by the door, not feeling tired at all from whatever he was doing outside.

He glances over at the sleeping figure; but the coming darkness only blankets Hoseok's face.

end; living and then some

A/N: 

"A desire is a desire nonetheless, and it grows." - taken from the description of a certain manga (shounen-ai) and I've yet to know the title to give proper credit. I'll get to it, still. Expect another fic with the same description because I'm a er, also check out run dry and some other stuff of mine 

Thank you for reading