Delusional.

Maybe that was what Jonghyun really was. Falling for her, loving her, marrying her it was all a huge mistake...on his part. And yet they sat opposite each other right then, the table between serving to remind them of their differences.

“I’m sorry,” she started.

“Don’t-” Jonghyun said quickly.

The divorce papers lay in a neat pile on the middle of the table. All he needed to do was to sign them, sign the papers and they were over, nothing but a painful memory.

“I never wanted to leave you.” she continued.

His breath shuddered weakly, hands fumbling and gripping for the pen like his life depended on it. The memory of their first encounter ran through his mind briefly, yet again, much like leaves rustling on branches when the wind comes by, or children playing on merry-go-rounds, going round and round, again and again...

He was in his favourite café, sipping on a mocha frappe, reading his favourite novel. Halfway through his usual routine, the clouds started turning darker, heavier, sadder. The pitter-patter of the rain followed next, hitting the glass panes relentlessly, yet soothing to the ears as it repeated itself like a math pattern - pit pat pit pat pit pat…

Time passed quickly and before he knew it, it was already six. The girl on duty kindly asked him out as she started closing the shop. It was then he noticed her - doe, brown eyes, a small nose, pouty lips, fair skin… He took a liking to her immediately. He nodded in acknowledgement to her words, but remained in his seat. Thirty minutes later and the girl had finally finished. “Aren’t you going?” she asked. He noted that her voice was soft but firm, kind of like a down-to-earth feeling. “Yea, coming.” he replied, eyes taking in every of her movement.

Outside was still pouring when the two exited the shop. The girl stood beside him, searching hurriedly in her bag for something. Her face was growing tenser by the second. “ my umbrella…” Jonghyun watched her mumble to herself as she continued to ransack her bag for the nonexistent item. “Here take mine,” he suddenly said and pushed the umbrella in his hands to the girl’s.

“huh...what..wait!”

But Jonghyun didn’t stay to finish listening to what she had to say. He dashed off into the rain, a small smile tugging at the sides of his lips.

Maybe the weather didn’t feel as depressing anymore.

Jonghyun smiled at the fond memory.

“I just hope you know that, my feelings for you were never, not once, untrue.” she continued to say.

Jonghyun was reminded of the times they held hands while walking along shopping districts, sharing the same ice-cream cone which would have as many as 5 scoops on it...and the times they would watch movies together, where he would always be caught looking at her(which he denies with stupidly lame excuses), or “accidentally” touching her fingers while “coincidentally” reaching for the same popcorn (yes another of his lame excuses), and then she would accuse him of ruining the mood of the movie which he would deny doing so and a childish argument would breakout between the both of them, always ending with either one or both laughing out loud at the stupidity of things (at the most climatic or dramatic part of the movie) and receiving glares from all corners of the cinema.

He remembered entering the house after a long day at work to the smell of dinner she prepared for the both of them, the warm smile she always greeted him with or the random kisses they shared which always grew into something much more intense, and all the times they laid in bed together, simply cuddling each other under the covers while the morning sun shone lazily on them, contradictory to all the dirty activities they had also conducted in the bedspreads, what with all the wet moans and groans and teasings and bitings at unholy times of the night...

The pen hovered dangerously above the line he was supposed to sign in.

He didn’t want to.

But suddenly he remembered why it all happened, why she chose to leave him in the first place. The memories hit him. It was all him. He started everything.

Jonghyun remembered the times for no reason he would start an argument with her, and how she would try to end it with soothing words, or just walk away. At first it worked, but it didn’t last. His temper became worse, he lost his job, he fought with his family, he began to come home in the early mornings drunk and reeking of alcohol, and in his stupor he would start accusing her of things she never did, abusing her even, slapping and hitting the life out of her. She would beg for him to stop, but he never did, not until she collapsed on the floor, body worn out with bruises and cuts.The apologies were never-ending, and he would try to help her up, but she would scream and cry at him to stay away, to not touch her as she crawled her way back to their room and lock the door for what remains of the night.

Jonghyun was lost, he didn’t know what was happening to him, he didn’t know what he was doing. How could he himself be the one causing the most pain to the one he loved the most? Jonghyun was afraid of himself, and the monster that was growing in him. He stopped coming home altogether. It was for the better, he thought.

But one day, he remembered, the images still as vivid in his head, not that he will ever forget, he was as drunk as usual when he caught her together with another male. The guy was holding on to her as she walked unsteadily towards a car and helped her in. Jonghyun felt a surge of hot, burning jealousy arising within him. Without thinking twice, he ran forward and punched the guy, hard. Everything else happened in a blur, but the next thing he knew, she was on the floor, blood pooling around her head, unconscious.

Jonghyun’s eyes burned. He guess the guilt won’t ever go away.

“I still love you, you know that right?” He said, not looking up.

“I have never doubted it.”

He smiled feebly, then in a rush of motions, the paper was signed. He dropped the pen and finally looked up. “I hope you are happy, with whoever you are with right now, wherever you ar...”

His voice trailed off. Her eyes were red and the tears were falling.

Jonghyun started panicking. “ I’m so sorry what did I do -”

“Jonghyun.”

He stopped talking.

“C-can you hug me...just one last time..please?”

The prickling feeling was back in his eyes again. He quickly looked away. “I...I can’t, I will hurt you.”

She smiled amidst the tears. “No you won't, I know you won’t.”

Then slowly, she walked forward, and from behind him, placed an arm around his shoulders. He tensed up beneath her touch. “Please don’t...”

She ignored his words and placed another arm around him. Then she bend forward and placed her head in between the crook of his neck, inhaling the familiar vanilla scent deeply. “I missed you.”

And Jonghyun leaned back ever so slightly against her touch. “I wished you hated me instead.”