Chanyeol had aviophobia.

Since he could remember, he couldn't fly on planes.

It was just a natural instinct of his.

But being an idol, Chanyeol had to fly all over the world. And after pondering his different options, Chanyeol decided.

He couldn't not fly and not participate. He couldn't quit - there was no way SM would allow that anyway.

After about a day of searching, Chanyeol found what he thought was a perfect solution.

To put it simply, it was a drug. A drug that would make him forget where his feet were, almost. He wouldn't know the difference between high and low, wouldn't feel the shaking of the plane. There were disadvantages, of course - drowsiness, less concentration, upset stomach if used too much - but no, to him it was perfect.

All until one day, when the manager caught him.

He had been caught whilst opening the new packet of pills, emptying them into his hand. Of course, he had tried to hide it - instisted with a wavering voice that they were just painkillers - but the man had forced him to hand over the packaging. And he saw.

There would be trouble. Chanyeol begged the manager not to announce it or tell the other members - he wouldn't be able to face the shame. So he stayed quiet, and for a short while, the company had let him use the pills because he could still perform and no, they weren't really that bad.

They changed their view when Chanyeol had passed out in the hallway after taking them. He tried to protest, saying that it was just because he was a bit tired, but the management had dragged him off to the doctors. And when they found out Chanyeol was starting to show the early signs of addiction to that drug -

They wanted to take him off the drugs straight away, but the doctors insisted that no, if they took him off it so suddenly it would make it even worse, the side effects could be dangerous - they should instead send Chanyeol to the therapist - both medical and psychological.

Again, Chanyeol pleaded not for them to inform the other members, and once again, they quickly agreed. It might distract them, they reasoned. If they didn't know, the wouldn't be distracted by him and they would do a better performance.

Chanyeol was hurt by that. A distraction? Was that all he was? But he didn't show it.

And every evening when he disappeared to attend the therapy, the members would ask where he'd been. And Chanyeol had a list of carefully though up lies to feed them - He went for a walk. He just visited a friend. He just went to the corner shop. When they looked at him every time he came back late, he would say he got stuck in the traffic, or he'd lost track of the time, or SM had called him back to discuss something. Every time someone had asked what the "something" was, Chanyeol would grin, raise an eyebrow, and reply that it wasn't their place to know. And then they woud laugh, which was good, because Park Chanyeol was known to laugh, even if it was fake.

And for a while, EXO had stayed in Korea, Chanyeol had steadily started to recover.

But when SM had gathered them to tell them that they were going to fly to China in a week, Chanyeol had panicked.

His therapist was a nice woman. She told him that he was going to have to face it eventually, and it was good, because he could see whether he had recovered or not. And she assured him that if he had a relapse, then that was fine, it's perfectly normal, and it would be a good experience to learn from.

But everyone says that.

No, it's okay. This is perfectly normal. It doesn't mean you won't never get better. Just keep on trying.

A week of preparation. A week of two hour counseling instead of the normal 30 minutes. A week to dread.

And now, here he was, Park Chanyeol about to board a plane.

But this time, he wasn't asleep. He wasn't passed out. He wasn't drugged.

He was aware.

He was so, painfully aware that as soon as he reached the ticket barrier, he realized his hands were trembling. Quickly, he stuffed them into his coat pockets and clenched them tighty, as hard as he could, his nails digging into his palms. He didn't mind the pain though - it distracted him.

Approaching the place where they dropped off the luggage, Chanyeol felt like something cold was creeping around his back, curling its cold fingers around his neck.

When Suho noted that he had gone pale, and asked whether he was okay, Chanyeol quickly - too quickly - denied, then to cover it up, joked about Jongin's "dark" skin. Yes - distract them.

He was Park Chanyeol. He was supposed to be the one who laughs, the one who is always posotive, the one who is happy and not aviophobic, slightly addicted to a drug, and prone to nervous breakdowns.

By the time they were hanging around the gate, waiting for their flight to be announced, Chanyeol felt so ... scared.

Scared wouldn't cover it. Terrified, dread, petrified - those words weren't enough.

Deep, raw, pure fear.

Chanyeol asked to go to the bathroom. Dismissively, the manager waved him off, reminding him that they were due to go in a few minutes, and to be quick. Chanyeol held back from running, briskly walking insteadily and locking himself into a cubicle, and cried.

No, he wasn't getting better, was he?

Why did he think he would get better?

Why was he so weak because of this stupid fear?

Chanyeol didn't know.

Was he always going to be this scared?

Was he always going to be the strange one?

Was he always going to be the freak?

Somewhere, a small part of him tried to assure him that no, everyone had their fears, and no-one was really normal, and there was always a chance to get better, lots of people had overcome aviophobia easily.

But why can't I? he screamed inside, the tears still falling. Why can't I be strong enough to cure this stupid, pointless fear quickly and completely like those people?

It took him a few seconds to realize that their flight was being announced. Wiping his eyes, he quickly washed his face, and hurried outside, whereupon the manager immeadiately scolded him and dragged him to the gate.

Fear.

Chanyeol shook off the manager's arm, and stuck close with the other members. The manager hurried on ahead, boarding the plane within a few seconds, probably to sort out times and schedules.

Chanyeol didn't want to look outside the windows in the metal tunnel. He didn't want to look down at the workers and machines driving below, he didn't want to see the plane, didn't want to be reminded that he was actually here ...

Chanyeol felt like something was wrapping around his chest, and he quietly fought to take in enough air, each breath shuddering. He faltered, slowing down.

Somewhere up ahead, Xiumin called for him to hurry up. Chanyeol heard it, but it seemed to far away.

And all of a sudden, Chanyeol suddenly realized -

He was here.

Here, about to board a plane, about to fly, about to do the thing he feared so much without knowing the reason.

Here.

He was here.

And then Chanyeol couldn"t breathe.

He had only half the air he had breathed in before, and it was like trying to breathe from a wet sponge - he could breathe in so much, but get so little.

Now, there was nothing.

Just a vacuum.

No air.

And Chanyeol collapsed.

The world was spinning. Someone - many voices - calling his name. He felt a hand grabbing his shoulders, pulling him up, and he gasped, but still, no air came in. Blindly, he panicked, thrashing around, and hearing a ragged wheezing sound that he only realized a while later was the sound of his own breathing.

"- yeol? Chanyeol! Yah, Park Chanyeol, do not pass out on me -" Baekhyun? Chanyeol opened his eyes, and through there were black spots dotting the corners of his vision, he could make out the other members around him. Baekhyun was kneeling in front of him, and Sehun who was supporting him, Suho who had both his hands in his own, desperately telling him to Breathe, Chanyeol, breathe, and Chen, who already look as if he were about to pass out, his face completely drained of colour.

"Listen - Chanyeol -" Chanyeol felt himself weakening, but forced himself to listen to Suho's instructive - if not shaking and laced with a hidden panic - voice. "Come on, Yeol. Copy me -" and Suho took on of his hands, placed it on his chest, and told him to copy him, breathe in with him, out with him. And Chanyeol tried to copy his exaggerated breathing, and ...

It was working. The ringing in his ears was fading away. His vision was clearing.

"H-hyung?" Kyungsoo's vioce was high pitched with barely concealed panic. "What ..."

And at that, Chanyeol's head cleared and he realized what had just happened.

He'd had a relapse. A bad one.

Right in front of the other members.

He'll just distract them. Don't tell them - if they don't know, they'll perform better.

No.

He'll just be a distraction.

"I ..." Chanyeol cursed his voice for wavering. He shook his head, and kept his eyes fixed on the floor as he tried to get up. "It was nothing. Don't worry."

"Don't worry?" Kai's voice - he'd almost never heard it like that before. "What do you mean, don't worry? Hyung?"

Xiumin stared at him. "Chanyeol ..." his voice was soft.

Just a distraction ...

"No." Chanyeol shook his head vehemently. "It's nothing. I'm fine." He used the wall to try and stand, but his legs gave out and he staggered, falling against Sehun.

"Hyung, you're not fine," Sehun kept one arm on his back as he supported the taller boy. The youngest member's eyes were glistening with unshed tears, and it broke Chanyeol's heart, but still he shook his head adamantly. "Really - I'm fine!" his voice took on a hint of pleading.

"D-don't." Chen finally spoke up, and the look in his eyes was almost enough for Chanyeol to break. But no.

"Chanyeol - it's not nothing. Please -" Suho choked on his words at the end, his tears already flowing. Behind him, Sehun looked at him. "There is something wrong, hyung. And you're not all right - your hands are shaking." Chanyeol shook his head again mutely, stuffing his betraying hands into his pockets. Sehun finally looked at him, sadness in his brown orbs. "Why? Do you not trust us?"

Something inside Chanyeok's heart broke at the words.

But no -

Then Baekhyun, his eyes already red and his elfin features soaked with tears, had crawled forwards, throwing himself onto him and crying out, "You idiot! I always knew there was something wrong and I'm a y bandmate and best friend for not really noticing and everything -"

The rest of them watched in silence, their faces still painted with shock. Chanyeol stood frozen.

"And I heard it! I heard it all - yes you stupid giant I heard them talking and you'd never been the same since - you're not a distraction! I'd be distracted if you weren't with us! You -" Baekhyun's voice cut off with another round of sobs. "You - idiot - you're supposed to be the happy virus and god look at you now I know that big eared dork is in there somewhere - where are you?" Baekhyun broke down, weakly punching a stunned Chanyeok in the chest.

"Distraction?" Chen repeated faintly. "You think ... you're a distraction?"

And Chanyeol broke.

***

"B-Baek ..." Chanyeol tried to prise off the elder boy who was clinging to him like a koala, even though his legs were still shaky and trembling. "Can you ..."

"No," came the boy's muffled reply. "Gotta make Yeollie feel loved." Chen laughed - it was a rather unsteady, quiet, hoarse laugh, but it was a laugh. "So dramatic, Byun."

"Says the one who actually fainted," Sehun giggled. Chen threw him a wounded look. "I am a sensitive person, and it was for three seconds."

"I almost can't believe you fainted, though," Xiumin said. "I thought it would be Suho." The eldest member attempted a smirk.

Suho glared at him. "Why me?"

"Because you cry at spiders, and this is much bigger than spiders," Chanyeol cut in, his voice still hoarse and quiet, but he managed a smile anyway. Suho stared open mouth, before bursting into tears and throwing himself on a surprised (clueless) Lay. "My children are ganging up against me!"

"Aaaaaaand point proven," stated Kai and Sehun in unison, high-fiving each other. Suho let out another dramatic sob ("My babies!") and Baekhyun turned to watch amusedly.

"Hey - boys?" their manager appeared in the doorway, a confused look on his face. "Where've you all been?"

"Nowhere~" they all chorused, giggling. A "why-do-I-even-bother?" expression flickered on his face before he jabbed his thumb over his shoulder. "Get on board, we're already like half an hour late."

At the mention, Chanyeol's breath hitched. Noticing, Baekhyun tightened his grip, eleminating any possibilty of that suffocating feeling because he was simply being the cause instead, Baekhyun shot a look at the other members, and carefully sidled up the ramp, tugging Chanyeol along. After what seemed to be hours later, Chanyeol sat down in one of the seats, and the breath he didn't realize he had been holding escaped. Baekhyun sat down next to him, and patted his head. "Good boy. That wasn't too hard, was it?"

In the seat next to Baekhyun's, Chen managed to snigger and flash him a grin that held a trace of his old cheerfulness.

Chanyeol still wasn't fully coping. Throughout the flight, he had several moments of panic, and had a fair amount of trips to the bathroom, and couldn't manage to keep any food down ... But he was able.

Maybe, he thought as he watched Chen try and sneak salted peanuts into the open mouth of a snoozing Baekhyun, maybe it was good to tell them.

It wasn't magic.

Chanyeol had coped with the one hour and twenty-seven minutes of being in the air ... because of trust.

And as he watched Baekhyun wake with a start, immeadiately zoning in furiously on a hysterically laughing Chen, he smiled.

Maybe he was going to get better.

Maybe he was going to be something that wasn't just a distraction.

Maybe he could make Park Chanyeol someone unique.

Maybe he could fly - in the entertainment world, in the sky, in his heart.

Maybe Park Chanyeol can fly.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Ok ... What did I just write. Angsty feeks at midnight got the better of me, I guess!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO OUR VERY OWN LOVELY SPECIAL UNIQUE HAPPY VIRUS PARK CHANYEOL!!! My babies are all growing up so fast *sobs*

Btw I didn't plan this at all so if its really all-over-the-place sorry! I originally was going to write fluff 😂_😂 and Chanbaek? I had so much fun writing Chanbaek's Rapping Class, I hinted some more chanbaek in here ^^

Hope you enjoyed it ... Don't forget to wish happy birthday to our giant >.<

On the other hand, it was like weeks ago but B.A.P'S SKYDIVE. OH. MY. GOD. Are you guys still alive? *sighs*

Blah, blah. This is meemow chatter ^^ drop a comment, if you have time! Anything! Please? *heaps on the aegyo by truckloads*