PART 1 - Morphine

Hoseok stumbles to the bathroom, hoping ChangKyun doesn’t see the limp in his walk and the pained expression on his face. Everything hurts, maybe even more than last time, and the last thing he needs and wants is for ChangKyun to see it as the later has just calmed down. This was his decision, his sacrifice to save the man, no, deep in his heart still a little boy that was now sitting on top of blood stained sheets, his eyes red from countless tears. This was nothing, if he could at least somehow, at least a little bit protect ChangKyun.

He closes the door and stops in front of the sink and the mirror - bruises and gaping bite marks in places where older ones had left scars and one new patches of his skin are bright and visible. Most of it could be covered by clothes and wasn’t a worry until his gym buddies would ask questions. As always he planned on not answering to any of them. It wasn’t their business. It was no one else's business but his and ChangKyun’s. The last time someone else was involved he had almost lost the most precious person in his life and he didn’t want to risk it ever again. He could deal with everything himself, at least the worst moments.

ChangKyun had tendencies neither him nor Hoseok could control. When doing the dishes he would keep his hands under scalding hot water without even blinking, watching how the skin turns red. He would grab onto pan handles even though they are red hot and almost purposely cut in his fingers whenever he would be preparing a meal. When something would itch he would vigorously and meticulously scratch it until the skin would break, until his nails would be covered with his own blood.  He could skip meals to the level of fainting and ignore high fever. Any chance his body and clouded mind saw to harm itself wouldn’t be left unused. He was unawarely yet awarely self destructive and nothing could stop it when it came to everyday life.

The medications made him delirious and nauseous, and the therapies just pushed him deeper into self hatred rather than helping. The last one had sent him spiraling down so bad Hoseok wished he could forget it, yet whenever he laid his eyes on scars forever engraved in ChangKyun’s skin or the bathroom floor all he could see was red. Thick, metallic and horrifying red everywhere, swallowing up Hoseok’s whole world.

Hoseok shakes his head in hope to chase the memories away and with a hiss he reaches up to open the mirror cabinet. There, hidden in a jar of health supplements, is the orange cylinder that makes it all easier and eases at least the physical pain. There are only few pills left and it’s not easy to come up with an excuse to prescription for more, but Hoseok will figure something out, he always does. It wasn’t like hadn’t tried the basics of painkillers, but none allowed him to hide away the ache in his muscles as well as the vicious little vicodin pills. He could deal with occasional ringing in his ears and headaches. It was all for a higher good.

Still feeling every fiber inside him and on his skin aching, he drags himself to the shower. The barely warm water washes over him and he sticks his head directly in the stream as the memories are stronger than anything tonight. He hears his own voice bouncing around the bathroom walls as he desperately calls Changkyun’s name, patting the pale cheeks and praying the pale blue lips to open and say at least a single word. He hears his own sobbing and desperate pleads for help as he calls the ambulance, not being able to saying nothing more but “Please, help.” The red is everywhere - on his hands and on his shirt as he hysterically prays for ChangKyun not to sleep, to stay awake, to not leave him. Somewhere along the way he is hyperventilating, the ride in the ambulance too long despite the howling sirens and flickering lights and he knows if ChangKyun won’t make neither will he.

Hoseok jumps a little, inhaling sharply when arms wrap around his middle, familiar body pressing against his. Right, those all were just bad memories, horrible visions created by the ‘demons’ living in ChangKyun’s head - demons so powerful they had gotten their hands on Hoseok as well. He turns around to see the still red, apologetic eyes looking at him and he gently cups the cute face he loves so much. Gently he presses his lips against ChangKyun’s, partly just to test that this is reality and he is not still at the hospital, still bloody and frightened sitting in the hallway, listening to the menacing ticking of the clock - tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock - counting seconds either to Hoseok’s world collapsing or pulling through.

The kiss he receives in return is soft and loving and he is sure that this reality and that for a while the demons are gone, his sacrifice has not been in vain. He allows ChangKyun to wash his hair and body, his touches soft and tender, careful in every single way. There’s this apologetically adorable concentration on his face, his eyebrows knitted together and Hoseok wishes the demons would never return so ChangKyun could remain like this - endearingly cute - forever. Yet they always return and as it seems they come back stronger every time, so Hoseok had to become stronger as well to chase them away.

“Go and change the sheets, okay?” Hoseok’s says with a lingering kiss on the corner of ChangKyun’s mouth when they step out of the shower and have done drying themselves. He sees a little bit of protest in ChangKyun’s gaze but he nods and leaves Hoseok alone again. As if given a green light the memories hit him like a speeding truck.

He now smells the the red metallic scent mixed with the poisonous stench of bleach, the red fading into pink and disappearing slowly as he scrubs the floor. He sees ChangKyun coming in again, his forearms bandaged from wrist almost to elbow, his eyes red as he hasn’t stopped crying since they returned from the hospital. He falls on his knees next to Hoseok and apologizes countless times, he calls himself words Hoseok doesn’t want to repeat even in his head and his hands remember struggling off the dirty gloves before embracing the sobbing boy and holding him close. That was the moment he made the offer, no, rather the ultimatum to the menacing and destructive something pulling ChangKyun apart.

Above all logic he offered himself. Whenever the gleaming blade would feel like a solution, ChangKyun had to let his demons devour Hoseok instead. It was madness, it was a sacrifice to something coming from hell - no place else - but it was better than ever seeing ChangKyun fighting for his almost last breathes again.

Wincing and grimacing Hoseok applies ointment and bandages to the open bite marks before pulling a loose t-shirt over his head and struggling on a pair of sweats. He tries to walk as casually as he can, not wanting to send ChangKyun in another hysteria. The latter is standing by the open window, the curtains moving slightly in the night breeze. The dark, calming and chilly air swirls around the room, sneaking around the fresh laid blankets and ChangKyun’s frame. He’s wearing Hoseok’s sweater which is few sizes too big for him, his still innocent self shining through. However his fingers are dragging long red lines over the scars on his wrist, the skin already threatening to break, and ,of course, he hasn’t even noticed what his own hand is doing.

Hoseok quietly walks to him and takes ChangKyun’s hand in his, bringing it to his lips. For a second the other looks surprised, but he responds soon by taking a step closer and wrapping his arms around Hoseok’s middle, hiding against his shoulder. “I’m sorry.” he murmurs for the hundredth time and Hoseok presses a reassuring kiss on top of his head. “I love you,” ChangKyun ads and looks up his eyes glistering, still apologizing for something he couldn’t control, yet filled with all the love one’s heart could feel. Hoseok claims his lips, whispering “I love you too,” against them. As in every kiss they shared, he pours his whole soul in it, knowing how it irritated the demons, yet he didn’t care. He was ready to fight them.

The night is trapped outside behind the closed window and thick curtains, their bodies melted together by the welcoming warmth of the blanket and their embrace. ChangKyun is sound asleep on Hoseok’s chest, holding onto him as if his life depended on him and in a way it did. Hoseok had to be strong enough to win over the illusions clouding ChangKyun’s mind, the menacing demons every time, to fight back the threatening and metallic red, to push back urges no one could control. He had to at least pretend to be strong, to be intimidating enough.

The clock somewhere in the dark is ticking away again. This time it’s counting time from meltdown to meltdown, yet at the same time it’s counting all the time Hoseok still has to hold ChangKyun, to love and protect him and above all - the time he had to destroy those demons. This time the solid tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock was the sound that promised a perhaps better tomorrow.