My heart hurt so badly.

 

Tears were streaming down..

 

but how come I couldn't stop smiling and laughing?

 

I wanted so badly for just once..to be a ballad prince, the cool guy everyone stare at with shiny eyes.

 

But how is that possible?

 

Deep down, they know, and I know, that I'm not a ballad prince.

 

I'm just a clown.

 

 

A clown wears thick makeups, just like me.

 

A clown draws a smiley on their face, huge smiley, I don't even have to draw it with a pen.

 

A clown makes a fool of himself, just to see smiles and laughter from his audience. 

 

That's what I am, a clown.

 

 

Just another humiliation, just another round of insults, just another fit of laughter and applause.

 

It's worth it, it's worth it. I keep telling that to myself. Because eventually, what you believe of yourself, is what you are.

 

 

I'm not as goodlooking as Siwan or Heechul or Junyoung.

 

I'm not a crooner like Kevin or Hyungsik.

 

I'm not good at sports like Dongjun.

 

I can't dance half as good as Minwoo.

 

I can't rap or be cool like Taehun.

 

But there is something only I can do. 

 

I can make people laugh, be it by making a fool out of myself, do something that cause humiliation, or when the members get too nervous and didn't know what to say in variety shows, I can proudly tell them, to just talk bad things about me and everything will be fine. I remembered when our maknae cried because he felt bad after bad-talking me in a program, but I told him it's okay. And they need to do it more often if it could get them more airtime. Our Dongjunnie always appear strong, but he's a very weak hearted kid. He's like the total opposite of Siwannie who may appear frail but could control his mind and emotions very well. I can do that well too.

 

Because I'm the clown, the mascot of a major airhead with foolish wide grin.

 

I remembered when I first came out with this personality on variety shows, I became instant hit. I would just mess up everything on the camera while laughing hard. People thought I was too silly to be true that it was so funny. When I came back, our Siwannie scolded me for acting like an idiot when it was nothing like my personality. I was pretty serious back then. Silly in front of the camera, but serious and always worrying behind  it, but after that day, I realized something. I could be silly and funny on and off the camera. Then my members won't feel so bad about making joke out of me. They'd feel comfortable, the audience would also feel the same.

 

So, I changed. I upgraded my silliness and made sure to have big actions and reactions to everything. My members started to think I got carried away because of the popularity. But there were some who didn't judge. Either way it wasn't their fault. They're just worried because I was acting like a man with no genuine emotions. I never told them the reason, because it wasn't important, not nearly as important as getting our name up.

 

After awhile, my personality wasn't considered amusing anymore. Other idols were following suit with their own version of weird personalities. People got used to it and wanted new tricks. Of course, a clown couldn't stick with one trick for so long.

 

I went to see our company's President and asked whether it's okay to reveal about my plastic surgery that was actually just a minor one by the way. It was a decision I made after a long deliberation. I've seen how female celebrities who admit to plastic surgeries received positive response and newfound fame. My President was hesitant about it but I insisted.

 

Once I revealed it and added exaggeration, ZE:A's name was back in the top 100 search. 

 

Then the interest or rather obsession over my plastic surgery story caused me to tell it over and over again since I was pretty much the first male idol of my generation who boldly told it off with a proud face. During this period, I also learnt that I've started to lose fans because they're tired of hearing the same thing time and again. I was labeled as attention seeker. But indeed I was seeking for attention. We need attention to survive. Every other idols need it, it's just the methods we use and the mile we're willing to go that's different. I remembered when Junyoung came to me one day and told me it's okay to stop if I'm tired. The members were secretly worrying about me, I knew it. And I knew Junyoung understand me even without needing any clarification. He was afterall, a very understanding good friend even before we met other ZE:A members.

 

One day, i came across Heechul who was stressing. It turned out, he was using his own method to sell our name, by labeling himself as 'the Jessica fanboy'. He said it was hard on him, and warned me to not use that method. But it gave me an idea....why not I share the burden with him? And thus begun the chapter in my life of being 'the Krystal fanboy', I purposely chose someone closely related to Jessica so that Heechul wouldn't have to bear the hate remarks by himself. Heechul was suspicious about it and pestered me about it. I had no choice but to admit the real reason, with a laughter of course. What's a clown or mascot without his huge grin?

 

Because some f(x) fans were not happy with this association, I needed to be careful not to harm the reputation we worked so hard to build. Thank God there's Siwan who's willing to act like my gay partner from time to time so that any scandals with female celebrities won't cause too much ruckus. His role was to be indifferent all the time, for the comedic effect. He would nag me even off camera, but I knew the reason is just because he's concerned that I would get hurt from the remarks thrown by society. In fact, he played his role pretty well. I'm happy to have such a smart friend.

 

When we first received the song Here I Am to promote on music shows, I felt so happy and relieved. Because finally there's a song that would match my onscreen personality. I was getting worried everytime comments on how my face didn't suit our older 'cool' type of songs surfaced. Even though I didn't get any line in the song Here I Am, but I feel like the whole song is mine. What's a line compared to the whole thing right? I believed as long we keep looking at the bright sight, things will eventually be good. Good things happen to those who keep believing.

 

Things then started to look up as more and more of our members started to get invitation for different variety programs, radio shows, even for me, I started to receive better jobs like MCing. But of course, on most occassions I would retain that silliness and mess up with my words or actions, after all, that's what made Kwanghee who he is today-the mascot, the clown, the face of ZE:A.

 

But deep down, I just wanted to sing a ballad on stage.

 

Just for once, I wanted to feel like a prince.

 

I wanted the fans to look at me as the real Kwanghee, the original Kwanghee before he was replaced by the comedic Kwanghee.

 

I wanted my members to be proud of me for just once. I wanted them to know that I too, could sing with emotions, not just with funny face and out-of-tune tone.

 

I wanted to dedicate it to my girlfriend, well my ex-girlfriend now. I promised her I would sing a ballad for her on TV after we debut, but while dealing with this clown that was probably too much for her to handle, she broke it off with me and wished me the best for my career. She might be scared seeing my changes that made me into a totally different person than the shy boy with decent sense of humour who just liked to spend time sitting by the river and watching sunsets with her. 

 

One day, when ZE:A's name is already up there, I had dreams to watch sunset with her again, while singing a ballad to her. Of course that's impossible now. She probably would have found a better guy by then, one who wouldn't embarass her with a public image like mine.

 

 

Like a dream came true, I was invited for a show where I had to sing a ballad, earlier today. I had dreamt for this day all along. But nervousness got the better of me. I had been too associated with being the gagman. When I was about to walk the stage to sing, I was told by the PD that I could choose whether to sing like I wanted to, or make it 'more fun' for viewers. I had been long enough in the industry to understand what he meant. Boring stages would be cut from broadcast, but funny ones won't.

 

After I finished singing, to the roaring laughter of my audience indicating a successful appearance, I couldn't held my tears any longer and they started flowing out. 

 

I felt so disappointed at myself, this wasn't the dream I had when I chose to be a singer.

 

I felt so embarrassed.

 

I felt like I've disappointed and humiliated my members.

 

Even more so, I've shut the opportunity to have my own ballad stage, my wish to be a ballad prince, even for just once.

Maybe, it was even my once-in-a lifetime chance that wouldn't come again.

 

But it's going to be okay, I just knew it.

 

After that round of my self-humiliation routine, I imagined when I go out of the building, my Ze:a members would come with a group hug and says 'It's okay.' to me.

 

Of course, that was just my silly imagination. They had their own schedules as well today. So I quietly went back to our office building, and now, here I am in our practice room, it was dark and I didn't want to turn on the lights. Even for this moment, without any audience, I want to be a ballad prince, my own ballad prince. I balled my fist tightly, trying to gain courage and overcome the overwhelming emotions. I just need to sing it out once, and I will be fine, everything will be back fine.

 

"go-od night

pyeonanhi jamdeul ttaekkaji

go-od night

nae-ga yeo-gi isseul-keyo

modeun ge da kwaehn-chanhajil-teni

keujeo nae gyeoteman isseoyo"

 

 

 

 

I couldn't continue singing after that one chorus verse from a new song I really like by a senior group in the industry, Sweet Sorrow, as I felt tears had gotten in the way. I silently let it come out, so glad finally I achieved my dream.

 

"It's going to be alright." I said to myself aloud.

 

The performance felt incomplete though. A ballad prince would need clapping sound from the audience. So I began clapping for myself. The single sound of my palms slapping onto each other radiated a wave of glorious sound in the room. I clapped, and clapped until the sound of clapping filled the room, like I was standing in front of the audience. I spread my arms to accept the love and admiration of my fans.

 

I could feel the fans hugging me. I must've been letting my imagination run too far. 

 

Suddenly I heard a voice, a very familiar one. Sounded like Jewelry's Jooyeon noona.

 

"Ya~! You kids forgot to turn on the lights, aish~"

 

The lights went open, and the whole room was in fact filled with people, half of my family- my Star Empire family- there were our President with his cheeky grin, the Jewelry noonas, some of our administration noonas and hyungs....and....my members, they're all surrounding me. Minwoo and Hyungsik were hugging me tightly and crying, that I thought I'd die because I couldn't breathe. The others are still clapping, making me blushed. Why are they clapping? I've just disappointed them once more.

 

"I think we're forgetting something." Taehun stopped clapping first.

 

"Snap! The cake! I've forgotten to take it here after decorating it." Kevin panicked. What cake?

 

"Ommo, it's here." I heard Heechul's voice from somewhere at the back of the crowd, and the two kids let go of my neck, letting me catch up on my respiration.

 

The crowd dispersed making way for Siwannie who was holding a chocolate cake with one lighted candle on it.

 

"Kwanghee-ya, quickly blow the candle. Siwan will get grumpy if he had to hold it for too long."

 

"B...but....it's not even my birthday." I couldn't understand Junyoungie's words but seeing him staring at me expectantly, my self conscious returned and I immediately dabbed my cheeks to clear of the remaining tears. I wondered if anyone noticed it, hope not. Regardless of the confusion, I went forward, shaking as I saw the words written on the cake.

 

'To our Ballad Prince.'  written in English, I'm pretty sure it's the work of art of our Kevin.

 

"Ommo." I covered my mouth and eyes widened in surprise. My big reaction came back as I slipped back into the entertainer Kwanghee's personality.

 

"Hyung, we watched the live broadcast just now. We're so proud of you." Minwoo exclaimed with twinkle in his eyes. He was referring to the show where again I humiliated myself.

 

"Yeah, I hate to admit it, but you sounded really good, hyung, especially just now." Dongjunnie punched his own cheek playfully before continuing. "You should perform the whole song to us, or did you forgot the lyrics, hyung? Haha."

 

"Kwanghee hyung, cut the cake already. Ppali." Oh Hyungsik, is there anything else you'd be bothered about? I smiled and brought my face nearer to the candle, making a silent wish. When I wanted to blow off the single candle, Siwannie covered the flame with one hand, turning towards the crowd.

 

"President, I thought there's something else you wanted to announce."

 

Something to announce? I wonder what's it about.

 

"Kwanghee-ya, you'll be recording a duet song for a drama, are you going to accept the offer or not? If you don't want I'll have to pass it to other members."

 

"Kwanghee-ya, Congratulations." Park Jungah noona who's also with the Jewelry sunbaes congratulated me, followed by the staffs, other Jewelry members and my own members.

 

After I manage to digest that unbelievable news, I finally grinned from ear to ear at the thought. My song? My very own song? Will it be a ballad? Well, even if it's not....the thought of me having my own song still made me speechless.

 

"Kwanghee hyung, ppali. My Siwannie hyung's hand are going to fall down from his arms because holding the cake for too long."

 

I whacked some sense onto that Heechullie's head. "Your Siwannie? My Siwannie!" and we both laughed at Siwan's grimace.

 

 

It doesn't matter what the world think of me.

 

It doesn't matter if I will remain as the silly, annoying clown in their memories.

 

It doesn't matter.

 

There are people who knew who I am and how I felt, and that's enough for me. Enough to make me feel like a prince. Remember when I said good things come to people who keep believing? 

 

 

I believe.

 

 

 

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and about idols' fake personality......it's kinda a spin-off from my other (on hiatus) fic.... WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?