‘here,’  the nurse hands jaebum a shoebox which is quite heavy, ‘he said to read each note with the corresponding feeling. so if you are angry tomorrow, take out the envelope that has angry written on it.’

 

the box feels extremely heavy in jaebum’s hands, ‘did-did he give this to you?’ his voice cracks at the end as his eyes start to fill with tears.

 

‘yeah. he loved you jaebum. all he did was talk about you for the day he was in here. don’t forget that.’ the nurse pats him on his back and walks out of the hospital room.

 

jaebum’s body feel broken, empty. his soul left 10 minutes prior to this moment, now he felt like a shell of a man. jaebum’s fingers slide over the edge of the shoebox and pulls it open. stacked neatly on top, as if youngjae knew jaebum was going to read these soon, was an envelop titled ‘read this as soon as you open.’

 

Dear Jaebum,

am i dead?

probably haha

don’t worry, I'm still here

watching over you

even though i am not there physically

i am there mentally

when you feel sad, read the sad envelop

when you feel hungry, read the hungry envelop

etc. etc.

i love you, bum.

sorry i left so soon

-youngjae

 

tears spilled out of the elders eyes, dropping onto the page and smearing the ink.

 

jaebum shuffles through the mass piles of envelops before he reaches one that says ‘agony.’  jaebum rips the envelop open, giving him a slight paper cut to his dismay, and rips the contents out.

 

Dear Jaebum,

already? 

you already ripped open another envelop.

man, you must really miss me.

don’t get too sad

remember the time i was twerking and herniated the disk in my lower back?

you couldn’t stop laughing

remember when i would cuddle you so tight it wasn’t possible for you to move?

well, i am going to do that tonight.

you may not feel it

you may not believe me

but i will

i will be cuddling you so hard that my little ghost fingers break

i love you, bum

sorry i left so soon

-youngjae

 

—-

 

jaebum was a recluse after that day. he would sit inside his apartment, once shared, and watch home videos of youngjae.

 

youngjae laughing.

 

youngjae singing.

 

youngjae cooking. 

 

he missed him so much, it hurt. jaebum clicks the tv off, youngjae mid-laugh, and stood up to make his way to the shoebox next to his bed. he shuffled through the letters until he came upon the letter that said ‘lonely’

 

Dear Jaebum,

you are lonely?

why?

jinyoung has probably tried to check up on you.

go live life.

go have fun.

please.

i may be gone, but you don’t have to be.

i love you, bum.

sorry i left so soon

-youngjae

 

“you don’t understand!” jaebum screams, gripping the fragile piece of paper in his hands. “you were my everything! no one can fill this void!” 

 

jaebum slides down the wall, still gripping the piece of paper, and cries until dawn breaks. 

 

—-

 

jaebum has read almost every single letter in that shoebox. it has been a total of 4 months and 3 days since youngjae has left the earth, and jaebum can still feel the pain.

 

jaebum has read a total of 37 out of 40 letters. the last letters are titled with “fear”, “confusion”, and “the final goodbye”

 

“when are you going to read the rest?” jinyoung comes up behind him, holding a glass of tea for the elder.

 

“i don’t know.” jaebum replies with a monotone voice. jinyoung sets down the glass of tea and sits beside jaebum.

 

“maybe you should read them right now?” jinyoung asks, patting jaebum on the shoulder.

 

“maybe.” jaebum puts down the letters, stands up, and walks to the bathroom.

 

—-

 

jaebum grabs the envelope that says “fear” and carefully tears it open, a big contrast to when he first started reading the letters. at first, he would rip them open, tearing the fragile paper apart. until he realized, these were the last traces of youngjae. ever since he came to that conclusion he never hurriedly ripped open an envelop again.

 

Dear Jaebum,

are you scared right now?

or are you just reading these?

well if you are scared

grab coco (which she should be right beside you)

hug her tight

then put her down

then go to the bedroom

grab my cologne

spray it on a pillow

then hug the pillow

cry if you want

smile if you want

punch it if you want

i love you, bum

sorry i left so soon

• -youngjae

 

jaebum did as youngjae told. youngjae still controlled jaebum’s life, even after death. youngjae had jaebum on a leash. forever and always.

 

“choi youngjae, i miss you so much.” jaebum holds youngjae’s pillow close to him. “do you hear me? are you here right now? if you are please know that i miss you. with all my heart.

 

—-

 

it has been a couple of days since last reading a letter. it was an accomplishment to jaebum. usually jaebum would read 3 or 4 a day, and get an overwhelming since of depression. but honestly, right now jaebum feels confused. what did youngjae die from? he was perfectly healthy one day and then the next a nurse was handing him a shoebox filled with these ing letters.

 

jaebum grabs the envelope titled “confusion” and stares at the last one in the box. he didn’t want to read the final letter, but he knew he was going to have to one day. the final letter to jaebum signifies youngjae’s ‘final’ passing. jaebum tears the envelope open slowly.

 

Dear Jaebum,

you are confused now?

maybe why i died?

it is quite simple

i hate to say this

but

you might have been able to prevent this

i know

you are asking “what do you mean?”

i was dying from an eating disorder

i wanted help

but you complimented my slimming figure

so i kept going

and here i am

sitting at a hospital bed

seconds away from dying

and you aren't here

is it an understatement to say

maybe you never loved me?

well

i loved you

you were my everything

i know you had feelings for jinyoung

i know how late at night you would go visit him

but that seemed to stop when i got skinnier

i love you, bum

sorry i left so soon

-youngjae

 

jaebum drops the letter and it floats down to the ground. 

 

“no,” jaebum shakes his head while tears fall down, “no! i loved you with all my heart! the doctors didn’t call me when you were dying! they called me after! youngjae!” jaebum screams furiously, while heavy tears fall down his face. he cries for hours after that. his head was aching when he went to bed, but it was nothing compared to how his heart felt.

 

—-

 

“read the last one” jinyoung prompts, hand tapping the last letter.

 

“i will.” jaebum replies, not looking jinyoung in the eyes. after the letter he read last night, he could never look at jinyoung the same way. jinyoung shakes his head while staring at jaebum and exits the apartment.

 

jaebum crawls over to the last letter and grabs it with shaky fingers. “the final goodbye” stares him in the face. shaky fingers grab the edge of the letter and pull it apart.

 

dear jaebum,

the nurse said i have like 10 mins to live

im so scared

i have no strength

i have written these letters in the last month

i knew i was going to die

just not this soon

 i wanted to grow old with you

but that looks dim right now

i love you,bum

sorry i lef  

 

jaebum can see where youngjae dropped the ink pen. the shaky letters and dried tear stains on the paper make jaebum cry out in agony. jaebum slumps against the wall, still holing the paper tight to his chest, and screams out while crying.

 

youngjae died while writing this letter

and jaebum died while reading it.