A lot can happen in six months. After not being able to remember three of them (mostly because he was either high or drunk), he saw the light at the end of that long tunnel he had made around himself.

 

That light being Kim JinWoo himself.

 

Yes, maybe he lost JinWoo to somebody else, perhaps he ed up so badly his hyung was broken to no repair, but he had to try and mend what he had done to the older even if he had zero chances of getting him back.

 

Doing things you don't like for someone you love was something JinWoo did on a daily basis, he fooled everyone with that sweet smile of his, trying to keep them happy even if he was miserable. He was always okay so people never bothered to actually ask if he was truly okay. He used to be one of them until he learned how hard it was to pretend all the time for the sake of the rest of world. It was something JinWoo did as easily as breathing, even if it took its toll, but for TaeHyun...it was a whole new experience.

 

How could he take into notice other people's feelings? How did that even worked? Did he, like, have...to think about them? To worry about what they think? It sounded...awfully unpleasant.

 

Maybe it could be easier to do so with a cigarrete...

 

TaeHyun looked up at the half empty package of cigarretes between his fingers but remembered how much JinWoo hated that habit and fought so many times trying to get him to quit. He never did while they were together and he, in his childish way of acting, even felt right to take some kind of revenge on him (for looking after him) by ing him while his hair reeked of smoke and his mouth tasted of nicotine. He blinked twice before he realized he spaced out in the middle of his train of thought, he took one out and brought it up to his lips, picking his lighter from the nightstand and was about to put the tip in the fire when he stopped midway. The memory of JinWoo crawling on top of his lap, slowly taking the bud from his mouth only to throw it over into the trash, his lips twitching into a smile, "what if you smoke me instead?" and more often than not he did breathe him, forgetting for a while about the anxiety eating him up inside. TaeHyun huffed as he stood up to dump both, the package and the cigarrette, in the trash, the usual uncomfortable feeling he felt whenever he finished a pack wasn't there, would JinWoo be proud if he knew? Would he show him that pretty smile of his and tiptoe to press a kiss on his nose?

 

A sigh escaped his lips because the empty feeling of missing someone, instead of something, was way worse than dealing with the anxiety from any kind of dependency. Someone so close yet so far. TaeHyun pushed his hair back, stopping in front of the bedroom door, because he could hear that annoying but familiar nasal laugh coming from the living room, and perhaps stepping out and join them for once, try to fix their friendship, wouldn't be so bad.

 

A few days went by like that, taking slow baby steps into patching up his strained relationships with s, however, his relationship with JinWoo was the one that kept him awake at night. Although TaeHyun was able to spend some nights alongside Mino and SeungYoon working in the studio, composing songs together again, just like he could chat about random stuff with SeungHoon when they were bored or just taking his time in catching up with iKon's issues, they were also people for who he cared about, he still couldn't break the one-sided exchanges with JinWoo.

 

"Hoonnie-ah! You put the cereal in the top shelf again!" the eldest complained one morning while three of the four remaining members were rushing to get to their schedules, "Hoonnie!"

 

"Sorry, sorry, hyung, I gotta go, manager hyung is downstairs waiting already," he jumped on foot as he put his shoe on the other, "can't you have something else for breakfast? Ask Mino, bye!" he waved already out the door, closing it just as Mino and SeungYoon were grabbing their coats.

 

"Mino-yah?" JinWoo begged with big doe eyes, doing innocent butterflys with his eyes lashes as he blinked, "you're leaving too?"

 

"Yes, we gotta go film for our new show," he opened the door for their leader who stepped out and pulled hin along, "sorry, see you later, hyung!"

 

"Bye, Yoonnie..." the mat-hyung stayed by the kitchen counter, looking sadly at the door. Alone. Once again. Great. With a deep sigh, he decided to make himself a sandwich or something that didn't require him to be struggling on the tip of his toes to reach the ingredients, "Ah!" he flinched when the cereal box was placed in front of him so he looked up at the maknae. TaeHyun gave him a small smile only to walk back into his bedroom, "Uh...TaeHyun-ah, thanks."

 

"You're welcome, hyung," the youngest shrugged, his back still towards the other, as he entered his room only lean his back against the door, feeling defeated.

 

TaeHyun had to get JinWoo back.

 

Loving someone wasn't supposed to hurt yet JinWoo hurt so much because of him for so long, he could barely remember how it all started. It was his fault, just like everything wrong with their past relationship, but it was the best worst decision he would ever take in his life (even his mother took it upon herself to remind him of that): kissing Kim JinWoo just because. One night after they went out to have dinner and a few drinks, he saw everyone disappearing one by one after vague "see you tomorrow morning" explanations (he was truly okay with not knowing about Mino and Yoon's current buddies relationship or Hoon's hornyness for one of IKON's pretty face) but JinWoo stayed right beside him, shot of soju in hand, before he looked up at him from between his long eyelashes that TaeHyun could swore to that day made naughty butterflies at him as a small smile tugged on the corner of his pretty lips.

 

"Let's go back home, hyung," he muttered because he hadn't got lucky with anyone and everyone suddenly seemed dull being so close to someone as beautiful as JinWoo. What he didn't realize was how drunk his hyung actually was until he started laughing after falling face first into the street. TaeHyun was used to being the drunk one so he didn't know how to take care of someone intoxicated, still he helped his hyung off the ground, "get on," he ordered as he knelt in front of the other. The tiny Imja prince slowly crawled onto his back, latching himself to his neck and waist, making sure to be as secure as he could and letting the taller walk comfortable.

 

"Thanks, Tae-ah," his words still slurrped a little but he seemed more focused, "I'm sorry you're here with me instead of with some hot...whatever you like."

 

"It's okay, hyung," TaeHyun was actually being honest, he didn't mind doing stuff he wouldn't normally do for JinWoo, "we're almost home."

 

JinWoo was half asleep once they were in the dorm, TaeHyun carefully put him down on the couch before he went to fetch a glass of water for the sleepy prince. JinWoo drank everything but made some sort of grabby hands towards the maknae which he was sure melted some of his brain because of the cuteness. He picked the older man up again, making his way to his shared room with their leader, to sit him down on the edge of the bed and help him out of his clothes. TaeHyun did check JinWoo's body out unapologically; he eyed everything but still he felt this need to learn where was every mole and every mark on his skin yet he slided one of JinWoo's huge oversized shirts over his torso and one of his sinfully short shorts on his legs. He tucked the mathyung under the covers but as he was leaving, he heard a small, "Stay?"

 

TaeHyun could've said no but he nodded, diving under the blankets of the too-small-single-bed not designed for two people and cuddled close to JinWoo. He thought that was it for the night, the older would remember most of the night and would probably say that he was the sweetest for looking after him so it would be just fine. It could've been just fine if it hadn't been for TaeHyun staring at JinWoo's red lips from up close. They all knew JinWoo had a mouth made for but he never stopped to admire the nice shape it had or the way his cupid's bow made them look thicker. Would they be as soft as they looked? His hyung was asleep so maybe he could just press their lips together, find out then brag about it to their dumb&dumber duo. TaeHyun did so, inching closer until the tips of their noses touched and their lips brushed and JinWoo's lips were so soft, like how could a man's lips were that soft? TaeHyun hadn't notice how hard he was pushing his lips to the point of waking JinWoo up. The prince covered his lips with his hands while his cheeks flushed bright red as he blinked up at TaeHyun, he was so taintable that the maknae couldn't help when he pulled his hyung back by the neck to deep-kiss him. JinWoo moaned so easily, he wanted more, he wanted to see how he looked when he was spent on the sheets, when he begged, he wanted to own JinWoo just as much as the rest of the world but, even worse than that, he wanted Kim JinWoo to want to be owned by Nam TaeHyun.

 

All he remembered of that night was the way he was mesmerized by JinWoo's face once he reached his high and the way his hands would hold onto him like his life depended on it, he wished it did. JinWoo fell asleep after he basically couldn't give his hyung anymore, he was supposed to be older but TaeHyun was the one panting after the first two hours. His mathyung never complained, he even whispered against his chest once they were all cuddled up, "Would you remember something...for me?"

 

"What is it?" TaeHyun knew he was ed up because his memory was the worst, more so because he never really cared a lot about anything to worry about keeping it in mind.

 

"...I..."

 

TaeHyun never made JinWoo his official anything after that, he forgot completely about his words, and he was just happy with JinWoo giving into him, even if it took away JinWoo's light. Everyone started to notice the way JinWoo would stop doing things because TaeHyun came home in a bad mood in order to try and cheer the maknae up. It almost never worked unless TaeHyun got to use JinWoo's body over and over again until he had taken all his frustrations out.

 

No matter what JinWoo did, he was never enough for TaeHyun to appreciate it. Mino saw him taking care of a sick, annoyed because he couldn't leave to work, maknae and felt bad for their hyung because he saw the pain in those beautiful eyes well hidden behind a small smile as he let the unhappy expression on TaeHyun's face dig into his heart.

 

"JinWoo, leave me alone already, would you?" TaeHyun demanded while JinWoo tried to made him feel better by asking him about his newest composition, "I have a headache, I don't want to think."

 

Mino walked up to the ungrateful brat but was stopped by a pair of soft trembling hands right at the kitchen entrance, he looked down at the older who only shook his head, tired smile still on his lips and the wound buried deep inside. TaeHyun barely noticed them out the corner of his eye and kept himself busy on his cellphone.

 

JinWoo became what TaeHyun wanted, he smiled less, cried more and dealt with a level of anxiety higher than ever before, all of that in front of the younger but he just brushed it off, shielding himself with lame excuses and the rest of the group couldn't take it anymore. SeungYoon saw JinWoo falling apart right in front of him one night, all ugly sobs as he choked down his feelings but TaeHyun could hear it all the way to his bedroom, the sad sounds mixing with the tones on his lyrics' notebook.

 

That's when SeungYoon decided that enough was enough so he took JinWoo away from TaeHyun and...

 

How ing dared he to keep his JinWoo from him? TaeHyun didn't pay attention in the beginning, SeungYoon was supposed to be Mino's toy, in the way how he would hold JinWoo's hand, how he grabbed JinWoo's waist or how JinWoo suddenly was running to him first when they got back than TaeHyun. His anger was nearing the boiling point, JinWoo was being stupid by doing whatever he was doing and at the end of the day, their hyung was still in his bed, , dark reddish marks all over his body (even on visible places) so TaeHyun felt satisfied.

 

Until the day he wasn't there anymore, TaeHyun came home after another one of his week's of "inspiration block" lost in alcohol, smelling like a chimney, only to find JinWoo cuddled up to SeungYoon on the leader's bed. He saw red. He pulled SeungYoon up by the collar of his shirt, waking him up at whatever unglodly hour it was, "the you think you're doing?"

 

"What do you mean? Are you drunk again, TaeHyun?" his scolding tone enraged him.

 

"Shut the and tell me, he is mine."

 

"I'm not," the small voice made them both turn around, "TaeHyun, let him go, we have to talk."

 

"Yes, we do, go to the bedroom, hyung," TaeHyun tried to brush him off.

 

JinWoo's expression exposed the amount of stress he was in because you could see the anger on his tearful eyes, he came up to the tallest among the three and slapped him across the face. TaeHyun yelped while SeungYoon took two steps back, turning to the door where the other two were up too by the loud noises, "You can do whatever you want but stay away from me."

 

That was the first time TaeHyun did as he was told as he silently left the room. JinWoo didn't want to be with him? Too bad. He knew he would come around but the thing was...JinWoo never did, TaeHyun was who kept holding onto him, pulling him in storage rooms to try and convince himself that it was all temporal. JinWoo never said no again yet he drifted further and further away from his reach, until they was the whole world between them.

 

TaeHyun saw his bruised and hickeys fading from JinWoo's skin while his smile was growing thanks to the other three's effort. He saw JinWoo regaining his strenght, his confidence, even his sassyness as a lot of IKON's members tried to get a grab of his goods every now and then. TaeHyun was pushed away, just like he always had when he was a child, but he still was Nam TaeHyun so them all.

 

Mostly Kim JinWoo who was a liar for telling him he loved him only to leave with somebody else.

 

"I still love you," he heard JinWoo said after months of their breakup, "you know? I just don't want to die for you to live since you don't even notice."

 

He had got back home, drunk and dirty, the rappers were out and SeungYoon was still at the studio, so JinWoo had to tuck him into bed, "You're lying, you left me so shut the up," JinWoo rolled his eyes before he hit his forehead softly.

 

"That's why I distanced myself from you, you're selfish, Tae-ah," he pressed his lips to TaeHyun's temple, "doesn't mean I stopped loving you."

 

"Why do you love someone like me?" TaeHyun looked up at the older, "Why JinWoo-ah?"

 

"I once told you, didn't I?" JinWoo kissed his lips for the last time as he stood up to leave, "Remember, TaeHyunnie."

 

TaeHyun remembered, he remembered the words JinWoo had told him that first night, he had to tell him. He was still in the middle of a recording session but who cared, he left HanBin there talking to himself because he had to find JinWoo.

 

"Hyung, hyung," he stopped TaeYang who was leaving the building, "have you seen JinWoo hyung?"

 

"Oh, I think he was with Mino and SeungHoon practicing."

 

"Thanks, hyung!" the senior only shrugged while TaeHyun ran across the place looking into every practice room. Most of them were empty or filled with trainees but none of them had the person he wanted, he somehow felt like the first day he met JinWoo.

 

They argued a lot about who saw who first but he was sure he saw JinWoo first because the whole world shifted when he met those gorgeous eyes and sweet smile. He wanted JinWoo back but not to destroy him, he missed soft kisses every hour, cold hands looking for heat in his, short arms asking for help in reaching higher places, he just missed JinWoo being close to him even if his feelings weren't corresponded anymore.

 

He bargued into the last practice room where the other four were messing around, maybe he was too forward to where JinWoo was because SeungHoon had to grab SeungYoon and Mino screaming, "Harmless! He is harmless now!"

 

Harmless? What had he done to JinWoo? He broke the person he...loved, "JinWoo-ah, I remember."

 

"Huh?" JinWoo's confused face was so pretty, so, so, so pretty so he moved closer to grab his hands.

 

"You said you were scared," TaeHyun finally witnessed the miracle of JinWoo looking surprised, good surprised, as he stared at him, "you were scared of...this, you liked me too much, and I was...a jerk."

 

"TaeHyun..."

 

"Wait, you can tell me to off but let me finish," JinWoo gave a shy smile, "the truth is, I was scared too, terrified of...everything. You are so perfect, hyung, I knew I would never measure up...so I just...did what I did. I wanted you to be with me, to only have eyes for me, because I...liked you too a lot."

 

"I mean, Tae-ah, really...it's okay," TaeHyun was able to tell he was hurting, like disappointed, for the first time, "it's fine now."

 

"It's not because I love you, it'll never be fine because I love you, JinWoo," Mino squealed and SeungYoon covered his face ashamed, "I love you, how is that fine? I am...me, it's not much but I will try and give you more...if you let me."

 

"I don't know, Tae..." JinWoo looked at the reflection on the mirror at the other three just awkwardly standing there and SeungHoon gave him thumbs up, "let's take it slow, okay?"

 

"Oh, wait," the maknae pointed at their leader, "you two aren't dating?" SeungHoon choked and Mino frowned by his side, silently snaking his arms around SeungYoon's waist.

 

"No," a blushed leader leaned back into their tanned rapper, "we're not, we've never been, I don't think we'll ever do."

 

JinWoo giggled, entertwining their fingers, "So...can I take you out tonight?"

 

"Actually," their eldest member piped in, "no, it's good that you're here because we have to practice our new choreo."

 

"Oh, great," TaeHyun rolled his eyes but JinWoo wrapped his arms around his neck in a thigh hug.

 

Baby steps, that he could do, to stitch up and mend the mistakes he made before his love turned from vicious to harmless. JinWoo smiled at him from across the room, reminding him that he was a damn lucky bastard for having such an ethereal person in love with him. He will spend every day making it up for him, even if it took the rest of his life.