i was much too young, what did i know? i dreamed big, it was all about the sky, the stars, and the entire universe. i threw words like conquering the world in my grasp as if it was the easiest thing to do because i was convinced i could. i believed everything would be waiting there for me at the end of the line if only i wanted them enough, if only i worked hard enough for it.

if i were given a chance to change anything, it would be that. no, i don’t mean that i want to completely turn into a chump with no ambition. i have to throw that in there because i know you will be the first to protest. you will tell me over and over again that that’s what you’ve always liked about me, and that if i even so much as think about changing you will pretty much kick my .

i just sometimes wish i wasn’t so drunk with my quest for grandeur that i dragged you into the mix. you were, and i’m sure you still are, a complete one of a kind human being all on your own. you have a very particular way of going about things, and nobody can tell you otherwise. if you ask me, that’s what i’ve always liked about you. that’s why i know now that i shouldn’t have taken the liberty of mapping out an entire future for you. 

i was carried away by the way your eyes sparkle when i told you all about my dreams. bringing my family to korea, and marrying you for a happily ever after ending. i didn’t know what i know now.

lately, whenever i think of you i only have one question in mind. out of all the years that we were together, when should i have given up the notion that i could keep you with me without destroying you at the same time? looking back, i’m quite certain that there are many of these instances, but ’m always having a hard time distinguishing which moments were passed up because i actually cared about your happiness and which moments were passed up because i was just terrified to lose you.

ever since i returned your wallet to you that day we met and you nearly cried out of happiness when i did it, you became a constant source of peacefulness for me. you were always around, you were always genuine, you always listened, and you were overall indispensable for me. so you could see why the thought of losing you might have pushed me to keep my firm grasp on you for a lot longer than i should, right?

i do know that’s not an excuse for my selfishness, though. even though i know you have the biggest heart and you probably already forgive me for it, that is the one mistake that i still can’t forgive myself for. not when you have proven over and over again during the course of our relationship that you are definitely the most selfless person i have ever met. i still remember how you apologized for complaining about your school work, and even back then it made me admire you so much because how many people genuinely apologized for complaining? i can answer that now, not many. and you were one of those rare ones.

we came from a very different background, and from the very beginning it was clear that we were also heading to a different direction. i’m not sure if you also knew that, but to me it’s pretty obvious. my ambitiousness came into play at that moment too. i was so sure we could make it work, i’ve heard a lot of people who could so i couldn’t see why we should let that be a problem for us. my mistake at that time was thinking that you were like most people. you were not.

for the first few years that we were together, it seemed like we actually could make it work. my days consisted of dance and vocal practices, and then sprinting out of the building to pick you up from school so we could get ice cream or even catch a movie. i saw you every day, your smile was always there waiting for me as soon as i was done with those practices, and at the end of the day your smile was the last thing i pictured in my mind before i went to sleep. i remember thinking that time that it was perfect, and it would remain that way. just another mistake. nothing is ever that perfect, and nothing ever remains the same.

when i received the news that i could actually be making a debut in the music business, that my dreams were slowly shaping up to be a reality, there were only two things in my mind. my family and you. i already pictured a home for my family, and at the same time a home for you in any shape and form. i prepared a place for you in my future, without once thinking that it might not be what you wanted or even what you needed.

i guess i should have caught on that something was not quite right when you stopped apologizing for complaining about things, because you had every right to complain. you needed me in your days as much as i needed you in mine, and i know how much it saddened you to not have me around as often as it used to because believe me, not seeing your warm genuine smile every day frustrated me too. but i had other things in my mind, i had to work even harder than before to make sure all the hardwork i had put in was not in vain. i had a dream to reach, i had important things to take care of, and i thought that you out of all people could understand that. you understood, of course you did and you always tried so hard to, but i failed to see how much it took a toll on you.

love is not a word i carelessly throw around now that i’m older and realize that love can mean different things to different people, but even now i’m still convinced that what we had back then was love. so when the words ‘i hate you’ came out of your mouth in one of our fights, it toppled my whole world down. it shook me awake, forced me to see how much things had changed, and made me realize that we could not go an entire week without fighting. it wasn’t your fault. how could it be your fault when we could not even see each other once in an entire week and sometimes an entire month?

i wasn’t there for your graduation, and i wasn’t there when your grandmother passed away when i knew how much she meant to you. how could you not hate me? i should have seen it. i should have noticed that even when we tearily made up after every fight and we apologized for what was said, it didn’t make it any less truthful. you were being honest, and i pushed it away because it was much too difficult to accept that something was definitely wrong with us. is this the point where i should have let you go? even as i’m writing this i’m still not entirely sure.

you once told me that you wanted to see the world, to experience it with your own senses and not have it explained to you. so when i heard that you were traveling around the world and capturing them through the lens, i can’t even begin to tell you how proud i am of you. you are always so gentle in treating everything around you, you carefully gather it in your hands, you shower them with your love, and you just watch them grow. just like what you did to me. and it’s just another example of our differences. you wanted to see the world, i wanted it in my hands. how could i have ignored this?

i’m sorry for everything i have put you through, i’m sorry that i can’t spare you the pain that you felt towards the end of our relationship, and i’m sorry that i wasn’t brave enough to let you go sooner. i’m sorry that we had to go through that last night of us together in tears because i couldn’t stop thinking about how cute you were with the ponytail that first day we met, how beautiful you had become over the years, and how as i held you in my arms for the last time you had grown into this amazing woman but somehow still the same girl i fell in love with. again, i’m sure you have forgiven me. that’s just how things work sometimes between us. but i still have to say it, you deserve to hear it.

i’m now living the dream i worked so hard for, but i can’t stop thinking that you are also a major reason why i could make my dreams come true. so please know that when i walk on to that stage every other night, i’m thinking about you. when the bright lights hit me, i’m thinking about you. when i see the sea of people cheering for me, i’m thinking about you. i hope that through all the beauty you captured, you’re thinking about me too.

sincerely,

the boy who became a man because of you

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