‘I want you to find me and save me’

I sit in my chair, wondering what I could have done all this while.

So many expectations, and criticisms, why couldn’t anyone see I was doing everything I could?

I could have given up everything and ran, heck I could everything.

But I can’t. I don’t have the heart to.

One by one, these uncontrollable tears came.

 

‘I’m in danger I’m shouting Mayday’

Everyday, they have something to say,

Everything I do is wrong, they never understood.

Just cause I look like I am too idle, they spew vicious comments as if I lived worse than the living dead.

I gave up long ago, everytime my situation screams ‘Help’, they could care less.

This time again, I’m going have an operation soon, they could care less.

Accompanying me to the doctors and then complaining about it, they could care less.

Besides, I never asked for them to be with me.

Who are you directing this complain to?

How pain could this operation be? It can never be more painful than all those other times they forbidden help.

 

But why does my heart hurt so much?

I said I gave up, why do I still hold this little hope?

 

Just then, my phone rang.

My eyes adverted to the phone on the table.

Its Jackson.

I wiped my tears away and took a deep breath, and then another, as I answered the phone.

“Hello?”

“oh hey babe, you want to pop by my house? I just learned a new dish! It’s gonna be nice and I bet you haven’t had your lunch yes?”

“Y-yeah, ‘course. I’ll come now?” I stuttered.

“No babe I’m going over to fetch you since I invited you to come, see you in 10. Love you!”

“Okay, love you too.”

Regain composure man. Jackson’s coming. You can do this.

 

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Minutes later he came by at the carpark and I got into his car, giving him a smile, “hey”.

“hello my dear! I miss you.” He exclaimed, excited to hear my reply as he had his eyes on me.

 

I lightly smile while looking at him and said, “I miss you too” and then abruptly turned away as my hand fiddled with the seat belt to click it in place.

“Baby you okay? You don’t look yourself today. Come let me help you.” He helped me fix the seatbelt.

“thanks. Let’s go? You said you wanted me to try your new dish.” Trying to change the subject.

His expression changed into a happy one as he remembered that, “oh yes yes i almost forgot! Okay leggo!”

 

He opened the door and led me in as I went to sit on the couch.

“I’ll go heat up the dish, tell you when it’s ready!” Jackson almost ran to the kitchen.

I smiled at his reaction. He must be really really excited to have me try that new dish of his. He’s so cute.

I looked around his house and my eyes locked on his family picture placed on one of his cupboards.

Such a happy family. So happy.  I smiled at the picture. I remembered Jackson would sometimes tell me that they would always find time to eat together even though he’s very busy with his schedules. That time when he was injured, his parents even flew over because they were so worried and stayed for a month here to see Jackson and to also be assured.

Mine? They shrugged at the things I say. Even when I said I needed to seek medical help. I’m so helpless. I guess I have to deal with this alone. The smile I had turned into somewhat upset expression.

“babe? Hey?” Jackson called out.

I blinked, “yes?”

“Yah, I’ve been calling you but you had no response. Why you standing here?”

“Oh I was just looking at your family photo.”

“Come here, the food’s ready.” he mentioned as he grabbed my hand and led me to the kitchen.

 

It looked nice, the kikimbap he made.

I knew he always eat takeaways with the rest cause of busy schedules. This time he actually took so much effort to make this for me. I can see the kitchen being a mess now that I see it.

“come try it! Tell me how it taste.” He sat opposite me as he looked as me, waiting for me to take that first bite.

I took a bite, and it was really really nice, it actually tasted so much better than the ones I bought from Korea mart, those were too spicy. But his, less spicy and I really loved it.

“It’s really nice, I love it,” I smiled.

“Really?! GAHHHHHH I LOVE YOUUUUUUU THANK YOU” he suddenly stood up from his seat and came to side-hug me like a kid getting his favourite teddy bear he have been asking to buy for so long.

I chuckled, this boy never fails to make me happy, even today, it is such a gloomy day but he made it all better.

I returned his hug, wrapping my arms around his back, “thank you to you too for making such a delicious lunch and for doing all this for me”.

He tried to break the hug but I held onto him, “just a little while, let me hold you”, I mumbled.

“Jackson, thank you thank you..” I utter.

You mean so so much. My tears found its way as it dripped on him, staining his shirt.

“Love you okay? Why are you crying?” He broke the hug and looked at me, his hands came up to my face and wiped my tear-stained face.

“Yeah, no problem.” I lied.

“It can’t be, babe, you usually have a lot to say, so many things to tell me, where did my favourite go? Tell me, what happened?”

Like that, he sat me down on the couch as he listened to me talk. Again, this tears had no discipline. I was crying while talking.

He held one of my hands in his, as he caressed it.

 

I even told him about my operation.

He got a little dumbfounded, unsure as to how I kept it from him for so long. And a little angry because he wasn’t the one to know it first.

All I can say, he’s a great listener.

“Babe, why didn’t you tell me all this? I knew something was off today when you got into the car.” he was upset.

“I’m sorry, I thought I could handle-“

“No don’t. What do you want to handle alone? How can you do that without me? You have me, let me know, I can be your shoulders when you need them, I am always here. I will help you. Let me help you. I will take care of you after your operation. I will make and send you tonics everyday, I couldn’t see my princess hurt and not being able to do anything because I would be hurt too. Seeing you like this breaks me. I want you to be happy. It’s time for you to be happy for all you want, and I will be the one to make you happy.”

 

He pulled me towards him and gave me a hug as his hands rubbed my back, “yah, you’ve been strong for too long, this is your healing time”.

We stayed like this for a while.

“Gomawo, Jackson ah.”

 

“Don’t thank me, you’re my heart. If you’re hurt, I’ll be in pain. Please don’t be sad alone anymore.” I nodded.

“tell me, do you love me?” he asked an oblivious question.

“What? Of course, why are you asking?”

“If you do, then love yourself more, love yourself as much as you love me. You don’t take care of yourself a lot. I always see you taking in everything people do to you. Don’t, I’ll tell you now, nobody can hurt you, They have to fight me first.”

Thank you for being so protective of me, Jackson.

 “Jackson I want to eat your kikimbap”, after all this talk, I didn’t finish what I was eating earlier. Now I’m going to enjoy this good food.

He broke the hug and scurried to the kitchen while saying “Oh ya, I’ll go reheat no worries! We need all the food we have to give you strength for your operation! I’ll cook more!”

 

“Yah I cannot finish so much!” I ran after him to stop him from trying to fish out the ingredients again to make more kikimbap.

 

Thank God for Jackson’s existence, I love him so so much. 

 

 

 

 

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hi guys (: How was it?

This is based of my own experience.

and yes, im having an operation soon. 

Hope i survive that and hope it doesn't hurt so much 

Take care guys, drink more water, eat some fruits, dont forget your veges too :D dont be like me xD

Till then, see ya!