It hurts. It shouldn’t, but it does.

Hoseok wasn’t sure what he wanted when he signed up for this. His dream, if he could call it that, was to dance. Express himself to wide, gazing eyes, to his beautiful fans who would cheer him on. He expected it to be a difficult journey…but this- whatever this is- is too much to take.

Hoseok thinks himself to be a simple enough guy. Both in the appearance and talent departments, there isn’t much to see. His dance is nice though, he thinks. He raps and everything, but…dancing is his life. He wouldn’t be anywhere without it. He wouldn’t be anything without it. Well, and his fellow members too.

The first time Hoseok had gone to meet them, he was really, really nervous. His future bandmates…what if they didn’t like him? It was an unlikely, yet very understandable thought. His future would lie in the hands of these people. Should they choose to hate him, Hoseok knew he would be torn from the inside.

Luckily though, they hit it off. There was Joonie, who had his heart set on the name ‘Rap Monster’ because he thought it was ‘swag’, bright-eyed, ever-patient Seokjin-hyung who was practically his stand-in eomma, and grumpy, sleepy Yoongi who snuggled with him when he thought no one was looking. Not to mention the maknaes; Kookie, the ‘golden maknae’ with his cute, manipulative smile, Jiminie (cheery, jam-less Jimin) and TaeTae, the alien with the cutest quirks.

That day, once Hoseok had some time to himself, he asked himself why. Why on earth would he be paired up with such perfect people? They were all so special and unique and notlikeHoseokhewasabsolutelyuseless-

He always had a habit of hoping so much…hoping that his fate could be turned around, to get better (at what was beyond him, but it never mattered) and just overall… that he could be not-Hoseok.

Hoseok was ugly…but J-Hope is not. Hoseok always frowned, J-Hope always smiled. Hoseok always kept hoping, but J-Hope gives everyone else hope. J-Hope is not Hoseok.

He doesn’t like being Hoseok, but everyone calls him that anyway.

At times, though, he can’t help but become Hoseok again, when he’s too tired to resist the change…but he only does it in his few moments of privacy. Initially, it worked out, but now, he’s barely got any breathing space…and it’s starting to scare him. He can’t let anyone see who he really is (no, was), can’t let them see ugly, annoying, useless Hoseok because then they’ll hate him and he’ll get kicked out of the group and no one will bear to set their eyes open him because then, if he lost himself, he would be Hoseok; plain, boring, underwhelming, untouchable Hoseok.

When he finally loses it, trying to deal with it the only way he knows, he’s interrupted. When he looks at his ugly body in the mirror, tries to dance off the stress, when the practice room is only filled with his pathetic huffs and attempts at comforting himself, when everything seems impossible…he breaks down.

He becomes Hoseok again. He hates being Hoseok but he can’t help it.

He cries, curling into himself because he hates that he’s being so weak, c